A/N: Time for chapter two of this crackpot fic that I somehow put to paper!
This will be the effective beginning of the 'cannon' Twilight books, with a most definitely NON-Cannon Bella. So yes, there is about eight years that I 'skipped', where A LOT happened to and around Bella. Events from said period will come up during the series, although there will rarely be flashbacks, usually it will be more of a noodle incident… MANY noodle incidents.
As Deadpool stated, this story will be in third person narrative, as opposed to his usual first person narrative. Bella however, has been granted the ability to break the fourth wall, and has her own textboxes… she will be the only one to be able to see them, unless Deadpool or certain members his family show up, or Dr Strange… Noodle incident!
WE BEGIN! (Before I give up more info than I meant to.)
Charlie was having mixed emotions.
On one hand, his baby girl was moving back in with him.
On the other hand, she wasn't his baby girl anymore…
He of course, had talked with her occasionally over the years, and he felt that there was something different about her immediately after the separation. He judged that it was normal, since she had lost a parent that day, and despite seeing all the delinquents and the like that came out of such situations, his daughter seemed to have continued on normally.
Then his wife started calling about Bella's weird if kind friends and he was forced to get a quick vacation to check on them and her. Weird most definitely qualified for the costumed men and women that his little girl had befriended, but Charlie had come to accept that aside from their eccentricities in respect to their wardrobe, they were all thoroughly decent and likeable people. Plus, his daughter had assured him that she would not wear a costume. Although her reasoning that since she was a normal human without Batman's wealth or mind, she couldn't possibly survive putting it on for any decent length of time, left him quite baffled, and decided that it was just a phase that young teenagers went through.
Now, due to Renee and Phil apparently needing their alone time, according to Bella, his daughter was moving in with him.
Bright side, she kept her promise and wasn't wearing a costume like her old friends.
He wasn't sure the black leather pants and jacket lined with Kevlar and metal plates sewed in strategic areas, along with a maroon shirt shouting that 'Doorknobs don't kill people, I kill people' was a better solution. At least she had sensible boots on for getting around the Forks and La Push, although he could do without the visible combat knives in each of them. When he asked her about them and her choice in 'fashion', she wisely responded with "Daddy, how could you possibly think that a lady like myself would go anywhere without a means to adequately defend and protect myself?"
Charlie couldn't argue with that. He instead asked if she wanted a Taser and pepper spray. She responded by pulling out formaldehyde and a tranquilizer gun.
Charlie didn't ask. He just nodded his head and got into the car, starting the drive back home.
Bella was glad Charlie didn't ask further and forced her to reveal her ACTUAL doorknobs. She had decided to always speak the truth as her own unique perk to contrast Deadpool's mouth. That and telling the truth all the time was a good idea for her, since the Yautja of the Justice Clan had decided to induct her into their clan, purely to keep an eye on her constantly, and to make it easy for them to decide her Rogue if she slips up.
She had quite enjoyed screwing with people like Deadpool before, but had NO intention of having an alien warrior race hunting her for the rest of her probably short life.
So now, she told naught but the truth, not that always speaking the truth meant that those who listened heard the truth or the full truth. Still, telling the truth while avoiding the truth was fun, particularly those with good instincts and a good nature, since they felt and understood she was being truthful to them, so they accepted what she said at face value.
Although those with TOO good instincts, like that Italian-Japanese Mafia boss, caught that they weren't getting everything and then became untrustworthy to the EXTREME!
Darn flaming boxers. Apparently, 'You didn't ask' or any variation of that doesn't work quite well with those kinds of people sadly.
Well, suspicious aliens, mafia, and alien mafia aside, it was time for Isabella 'Bella' Swan to get started on the main topic of her life, according to Stephanie Meyer. Moving to the Forks to meet a clan of pasty white, sparkly vampires with golden eyes and rock hard abs. Literally, if not visibly for all but one.
As well as the shapeshifters with HOT, again literally, toned bodies, enhanced regeneration, and the ability to become Scooby Doo, or Hagrid's Fluffy after the surgical removal of two heads.
Bella was looking forward to finally starting the 'romance' portion of her life. After all, Deadpool himself had married a few women. So clearly, romance was not bad. Just romance to creepy old sparkly bloodsucking emo immortal stalkers, like the Volturi, or Edward Cullen.
Although Deadpool did constantly break NPH's comment of not sticking it in crazy…
Meh.
Thankfully, the Volturi were no longer a problem. She thanked the Yautja and their plasma guns for that, and the Volturi for stupidly converting and eating younglings. An event which she had most certainly NOT caused. It was merely a coincidence that the field trip she had dragged all of them and their caretakers to, happened to be the Volturi's home base. She could NOT have known they were going to be THAT stupid and incite the Yautja of the Justice Clan to exterminate them.
Oh well.
As for Edward, well, he was never really a problem. If he were to push it, then she did have a plasma doorknob in her collection, which she always carried with her in case of rabid sparkly vampires, or Xenomorph Royals.
Cataloguing all the ways she would screw with her new home and neighbors, Bella and Charlie peacefully passed the trip to the Forks in silence.
"Well, here we are. Home sweet home." Charlie stated as he stepped out of the vehicle. As he reached into the back to grab Bella's bag, he found she was already pulling it away towards herself. Hefting all three bags with no apparent difficulty.
Charlie merely shrugged again. Sad that he couldn't help his little girl, and happy that she seemed capable and willing to take care of herself. The difficulties of fatherhood.
Then he saw Billy Black and Jacob drive over.
"Hey Charlie! And is that Bella?"
Bella turned around to her sorta childhood friend, who looked like a scrawny long-haired nerd with a fetish for cars, who she knew would become a tall rippling mass of steaming muscle, nerd with a fetish for cars.
"Jacob? Hey, been awhile shaggy."
"It's the hair, isn't it? I have been planning on cutting it, but Billy here has been adamant it is tradition."
"If I were to follow tradition to the letter, then I would probably be a vapid blond with a fixation on Romeo and Juliet like romances which would only lead to tragedy and death, and I would refuse to listen no matter how much everyone was to tell me otherwise when I decided that I had fallen in love with my soul mate, which would eventually lead to my untimely death. Instead, I plan to walk over and remove my two knives that are currently pinning your shoes to the ground."
Jacob looked down to find two stiletto knives digging firmly into the soles on the side of each of his sneakers. Sadly, for his dignity, he responded by jumping in shock. Or rather, trying to, as Bella had tossed those rather hard, as such, he merely lost his balance on fell on his face.
Bella was laughing at him the entire time as she went to pull her knives out, hiding them up her sleeves in a single swift maneuver. "So shaggy, what have you been up to?"
Jacob grumbled a bit as he rose, wiping his face of some of the dirt. "Cruel Bella. Cruel, and when and how did you get those there?"
"I threw them. Little Red Riding Hoods' have got to be able to defend themselves from big bad wolves after all." She ignored the slight twitch from Billy. "Anyway, last chance before I just head upstairs, since these bags do need unpacking. What's up?"
"Oh. Oh, well, I came over to check on your truck. Charlie asked me to fix it back up for you to have a ride around here."
With that Bella turned around to her apparently new, old Ford Truck. It wasn't on par with her usual rides, but unlike her usual rides, this one wasn't sto-'borrowed temporarily'. So that most definitely counted in its favor. Plus, the thing looked like it was built out of heavy, solid steel and could probably do more damage to people when hit than the other two vehicles present. Combined.
As such, she turned towards Charlie, and proceeded to hug him, around her three bags, of which only one had clothing, the other two filled with doorknobs and useful knick-knacks. "I love it, thank you daddy."
She froze at the snort behind her. "Daddy? You know I am goi-"
Whatever Jacob was going to say faded out as he slowly collapsed back into the truck and slid down, his head lolling to the side. Both Billy and Charlie turned as one from Jacob's unconscious body, to Bella who had one hand held out, pointing a tranquilizer gun towards Jacob, and then back to his body to find the dark grey dart sticking out of his chest. Right over where his heart would be. Then back to her.
She merely shrugged, quickly putting her only gun away, before heading to the house. "He shouldn't have tried to make fun of my calling dad, daddy. I am not going to change who I am to fit the image of the stereotypical teenager. Going around, crying 'Oh woe is me. I am so unpopular, while being stalked by many different men and/or women'. Charlie is my dad. So I will call him as such, if I want to call him daddy because it fits the mood, I will do so. Anyone who doesn't like it, either minds their own business. Or if I am lucky, will come and try to cause an issue with me about it. Then I get to have fun." She turned around to look at the two adults present. "I normally don't use the tranq gun when having fun. They don't remember the lesson as well." She turned back and opened the door. "Jacob is family though, so make sure to talk to him Billy. These darts aren't cheap."
As she faded inside, Charlie once again shrugged, although this time, there was a small smile of pride on his face. He would miss out on the whole, threaten the horn dogs with a shotgun and shovel that dads are supposed to do, thanks to her seeming to be able to do it herself, but it would just mean that he could focus more on the real scum out there to protect his baby girl better.
"Charlie… Jacob is my ride home…"
Bella had finished unpacking her clothes, and hiding her doorknobs strategically around her room, before Charlie knocked on her door, coming in at her call. "Bella dear. I need to drive Billy and Jacob home since neither of them are in the proper condition to drive. Could I ask you to drive behind us so that I can leave their truck there? It would also be a good opportunity to test out your own truck, and get a feel for her and the roads around here. We can stop at the diner on the way back for some dinner."
"Sure dad. Let me just get a few additional knick-knacks for just in case situations."
"In case of what?"
"Oh you know. Perverts, assholes who don't understand the word no, sparkly vampires, stalkers, furries, Rogue Yautja, Flaming Mafia, delinquents, any Wilson, Logan, Laura, etcetera, etcetera."
"I am glad to hear that you are properly prepared for any situation. Hey, do you think you would be interested in a career in law enforcement."
"Possible dad. I don't want to tie myself to a particular place yet, but I know that it is definitely an option. Think I can join you one day, check the place out and get a better view of the job?"
The smile on Charlie's face could only be brighter if she had offered to go fishing with him on the weekend. "I was going to ask if you wanted to start school tomorrow, or wait till Monday. If you wait till Monday, I can bring you over tomorrow and Saturday."
"Monday it is, gives me more time to settle in anyway. Well, I am ready, let's go."
"Just follow behind me as I guide you to La Push and Billy's house."
The drive to Billy and Jacob's place was rather uneventful all things considered. The fun happened when they actually arrived.
Bella was helping Billy off the back, while Charlie was throwing Jacob over his shoulder in a fireman carry, when a nicely tanned and relatively toned young woman walked out of the house. She quickly spotted the quartet, before focusing on the closest one.
"Hey Charlie, what's up with Jacob and who's that?"
"Hey Leah, my daughter shot Jacob with a tranquilizer gun for trying to mock her when she was thanking me for the truck, and that over there is my daughter Bella." Charlie said this in the same tone one uses to converse about the weather. Leah raised a delicate eyebrow at him before turning to Bella who had just finished helping Billy down.
"Hey Billy, mom sent me with some food for dinner. She didn't think you would eat right with Jacob in charge tonight… clearly she was more right than I thought."
"If I want to hug my dad and call him daddy when he gets me a car, then I can damn well do it. Shaggy was asking for it, and no one can convince me otherwise." Bella huffed out with something that looked suspiciously like a pout.
"No one is trying to convince you otherwise Bella. Partially because Charlie is probably happy you shot Jacob, partially because Jacob is unconscious, and partially because I don't want to be shot."
"Are you trying to imply something Mister Black?"
"Perish the thought dear. Thank you for the help though, it was kind of you. Most women outside of Leah here, would not have been able to do so, even if they would have wanted to."
"It takes more than good hand eye coordination to bury a knife in the right place."
"…quite." With that parting remark, he followed Charlie's earlier footsteps into his own home, leaving the crazy women together.
"Now that was just cruel." Bella stated.
"What was?"
"Billy thinks we are crazy women. That or Grave, but I am pretty sure it was Billy. Grave is a nice, if unstable guy."
"…Didn't you shoot Jacob when he tried to make fun of you for being a loving daughter to a loving father?"
"Yup. Want my spare Tranq Gun?" She asked holding out just that. Leah looked at her in the face, before looking at the gun, back again, and then she took it. "It works on all humans. Unless they are incredibly drugged, in which case I recommend you drive one of these into their spine" She pulled out a foot-long knife to demonstrate what to use in such a situation. "Those are rare though thankfully. Now, you must be responsible with these things. You can't just use them willy-nilly."
"If it isn't Leah, whose th-" The newcomer couldn't even finish his introduction before he fell forward, a dart sticking out near his collarbone. Bella just looked askance at Leah, and raised her eyebrow a bit in question.
"In my defense, that's Paul." As if that answered everything, which it kind of did, if you knew who Paul was. Which Bella did not, but would take Leah's word for it since she was the only one to converse with at the moment. That she was a woman after her own heart, would later be capable of becoming a giant fluffy dire wolf and even more attractive didn't hurt.
So Bella shrugged. "Works for me. By the way." She stuck her hand out to Leah. "Isabella Swan, although I prefer being called Bella, or Bea."
"Leah Sweatwater," she responded while taking and shaking her hand. "I didn't think I would ever say this, but it is a pleasure to meet you." Bella's raised eyebrow did all the talking, or questioning in this case, for her. "I expected, based off of experience, that all my encounters with female teenagers, especially from outside La Push, to be braindead, anorexic, and covered in so much makeup, I would think they would suffocate. Oh, and constantly chasing their latest romantic dream." That last one was spoke with particular vitriol.
"I learned, from a great man, early on in life, that I needed to follow a different path. After he explained to me some of the absolute truths of the universe, I found out that if I continued on as I was, I would be just as you said, minus the makeup, couldn't stand that stuff even when I was stupid, and it would lead to a pitiful existence, where my very purpose in life would be as the trophy of some egotistical, rich, probably attractive, eccentric douche fuck, with more pride than common sense and an urge to conquer the unique, as he would be too 'special' for the normal stupid women." She looked Leah dead in the eye, who shivered at the description, "Needless to say, I was glad that I was already on the path of awesomeness, and put even MORE effort to avoid such a fate. I will admit it has brought its own issues, not all of which are simple or things that could be ignored, but it is MUCH more preferable than the other outcome."
Leah nodded "I am glad to have met a woman like yourself, and am happy for you too."
"Thank you, and it is my pleasure to meet you as well. Most strong women I meet tend to be Yautja, and as much as I love hanging out with them, they tend to travel a lot to out of contact places, so I might never see some of them again, making it hard to make meaningfully active friendships. I am going to be hanging out with my dad the next couple days since it has been a while, but would you be interested and available this Sunday? It would be nice to have a proper friend here, since I don't imagine I will be getting along with most of my new school."
Leah actually smiled at that, her first one since her appearance actually. "I would love to. Since you are the one with the new car, how about you come over to my house? I will draw you a map."
Bella waved her off. "No need, I know from even way back that Charlie is good friends with your parents, he can give me directions. Plus, I studied the area before coming here, so it shouldn't be too hard with even just the address." Which really meant that she had studied several detailed maps with the streets, terrain levels, and a few other things that the Yautja had taught her to look for, since Deadpool doesn't really care about things like that with his immortality.
Fucking asshole.
Bright side? No Xenomorph lairs that could cause problems, or fun, later on.
Meh side? There was a coven of sparkly 'vampires' who didn't realize that satellites could get clear pictures of them doing superhuman things, and a clan of dire wolf shapeshifters with superiority complexes lead by a douchebag who makes Edward Cullen seem like an acceptable guy.
Good thing the world doesn't really care about simple things like sparkly 'vampires' and shapeshifting, mostly law-abiding douchebags when there are things like Xenomorphs, Demons and the fucking Joker out there.
On a completely unrelated note, Batman was fun to talk with, and Alfred is a God of the kitchen. Also happens to be a conglomeration of Tony and Black Widow in this universe when it comes to machines, technology, and being a general fucking badass.
And people wonder why Batman is Batman.
Leah just shrugged. "Okay, what time do you want to meet up?"
"I'm new here, I might be the one picking you up, but you're the one who is going to be in charge of this particular date. What to visit, when things open, where to eat, how to comport myself… okay that last one is just going to be me being me, but otherwise, it's all you this Sunday. Although if we are eating picnic style, tell me, I would like to be the one to cook."
Leah merely crossed her arms, "You didn't strike me as the cooking type."
"I had to. Mom and Phil can barely cook to save their lives, and I went on an unplanned hunting trip once which became a routine afterwards, quite often actually, so learning to cook anywhere and anything was a necessity. Afterwards, it became a nice hobby." A glint appeared in her eyes, "I make a mean Chimichanga."
A/N: And Chapter Two is complete! We introduced Billy, Non-wolfie Jacob, Paul and Leah, and Charlie finally got a proper script! I refuse to accept that Paul wasn't an asshole prior to the whole shapeshifting and sparkle things started happening, based on his interactions with Sam during the cannon story. Leah herself was actually NOT an asshole prior to Sam wolfing out and imprinting on Emily, which lead to Sam breaking off his engagement with Leah. Furthermore, because of the whole 'secrecy' thing on the shapeshifting, they couldn't or rather didn't explain to her WHY he was breaking it off, and IMMEDIATELY shacking up with Emily. So naturally assuming the worse, she grew to be a hateful bitch with a massive temper and an inclination to snap at everything and everyone if there was even a single perceived fault that she disliked… which was a lot by the point she is properly introduced into the story. Thanks to all of said silence and lack of support from all the involved and supporting parties, and then lack of support, or rather OPPOSITION, once she joined them and learned the truth of the matter and lashed out, further driving her down the rabbit hole and away from the nice woman she had been prior to the story.
The only reason Leah here is NOT like she was known in Twilight is because:
One – I have modified the timeline a tad bit, so this is still early after the split, so she is still in the midst of flip-flopping between rage, and depression. She hasn't settled on being a rage monster yet.
Two – She wasn't known to have many female (Nor male) friends thanks to her demeanor ANYWAY, since it was still rather different from all others, meaning that her closest female friend was Emily. Someone she almost considered a sister, and she currently feels that Emily betrayed her. As such, all women similar to her, which means Kind, relatively soft, and generally understanding, are an anathema to her at the moment. Meaning that she is currently rather lonely, having only her family as support for the most part.
Three – Bella is like NOTHING she has seen or dealt with before, (Let's be honest, how many people do you know, shoot a friend with a tran gun with no hesitation the second they are attempting a joke at their expense?) she is NEW, DIFFERENT, and INTERESTING. To boot, Bella even spouted a similar philosophy to Leah's currently developing one. So, Leah doesn't want to hurt this chance at a possible friendship, as she subconsciously feels the need to have someone there with her.
