Po, the Harem Master

Part 14: Po and the Friendly Duel

by Neoraichu

Po X Various. The story returns to the beginning of the Kung Fu Panda Movies and Legends of Awesomeness, and asked the question, "what if this was written like a Harem Anime?"

WARNING: This is a strange tale, so READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

Shining Eagle managed to fall asleep again after her nightmare, but then woke up a few hours later. She went to find Po, and found that he was still snoringly fast asleep. Deciding against waking him, she went to breakfast with the Furious Five (including Master Viper), Master Fenghuang, and Scorpion for a modest breakfast of yóudoùfu fěnsī (a soup made by fried tofu and cellophane noodles) and plain rice porridge prepared for them by the lady goose who cleaned the student barracks up once a week. Normally, Tigress only ate fried doufu for breakfast, but she would make an exception once a week for her cooking as much as she would now make an exception for one of Po's dinners.

"Po and I shall fight a friendly duel after he gets up," said the eagle plainly.

"Well unless you want to wait until noon," said Tigress, "I better get him up now."

"I plan a little workout first."

"Well, Po needs a little workout too."

"If it's not too much of a bother..."

"No," said Tigress evenly, "It's not." She then said under her breath, "I'm starting to like getting him up in the morning."

"Pardon?"

"Oh, nothing important," she replied hastily, "I'll get him up as soon as I'm done here."

"Thank you," said the eagle.

"Mind if I watch?" asked Fenghuang.

"No," she replied, "I don't mind at all. I'm not trying to hide anything from our duel after your wings are fully healed, after all."

"Thank you."

"Besides," said Tigress, "He eats breakfast whenever he gets up, which usually means he's eating lunch right after eating breakfast."

"I suppose that's part of the reason he's so... uh... round," mused the eagle as she looked for the right word to use.

"That's one way to put it," she replied.

"I find it difficult to comprehend how he can use such advanced techniques like the Thundering Wind Hammer when he's... uh... That is to say..."

"So out of shape?" finished Tigress.

"Yes."

"As he likes to say, 'He's gifted'."

"Very gifted, I would have to say. I shall certainly not underestimate him in our fight today."

Tigress finished her food and went off to retrieve Po.

"What do you think you'll learn by battling Po?" asked Monkey, "His secret techniques?"

"No," she replied, "We agreed not to use them. This will be a straight forward ground fight. I won't fly any higher than Po can leap. I am going to assess his character. His words seem to play a vital role in the defense of Fenghuang."

"Wow, that's sounds real traditional."

"It is. My father used to do that a lot when new students came to him."

"Used to?"

"Yes, he's retired from Kung Fu right now."

"Hmm, I didn't think he was that old."

"He retired for... other reasons."

"Battle injuries?"

"No," she replied awkwardly, "but that's not important right now."

"Okay."

Tigress returned with Po in tow. Her cheeks were burning red as she dragged him into the room. He still seemed half awake.

"Something wrong, Tigress?" asked Crane.

"NO!" she snapped, but then she stopped to take a deep breath and say again more softly, "No, there is nothing wrong. Nothing wrong at all."

"Me thinks she protests too much," whispered Fenghuang to Viper.

"I agree," whispered Viper back.

"What was that?" asked Tigress.

"Nothing," said Viper.

"Just a friendly little side bet on the fight," said Fenghuang.

"Well,.. as long as it isn't something too serious," said Tigress.

"Oh heavens forbid," she said lightly.

"I see."

The elderly goose set a couple of bowls before Po as he sat down at the table.

"I shall do a little training before we battle," said Shining Eagle close to Po's ear, "before we duel later on. Hopefully, you will be as ready as me."

"Oh, I'll make sure he's ready," said Tigress.

"Unfortunately," said Scorpion, "I don't think Viper is up to going outside long enough to watch."

Shining Eagle left at that point.

"Aw," sighed Viper as she looked at Scorpion.

"Wanna ride back to your room?" asked Fenghuang.

Viper glanced at Scorpion, who just shrugged.

"I think I will," said Viper as she coiled about the owl's neck and shoulders.

She walked to the door, turned her head 180 degrees, and said, "I'll see the rest of you outside for the battle." Turning her head back, she left, but not before Viper put in a word. Scorpion followed along behind.

"I'm rooting for you, Po," said Viper softly, "Fight well and win for me."

"Or me," said Scorpion, "I'm sure with my acupressure and my healing touch, I'll make you feel all better afterwords."

"Or me," cooed Fenghuang, "I'm sure I could arrange a little reward if you win, big boy."

Tigress face-palmed herself.

"Hey," said Master Monkey sarcastically, "Let's not get Po too excited over here."

"Huh?" asked Po.

"Oh, it's nothing."

"It's too late," muttered Tigress to herself. If anyone heard her, they acted like they didn't.

A few minutes passed as Po ate, and then ate seconds.

"Time to go," she said as she stood him up.

"But..."

"No time for thirds or fourths," she interrupted, "Let's go get ready to fight."

"But..."

"If you want to win, you have to take this fight seriously."

"But I do..."

"Yeah yeah, let's go."

"Okay."

Tigress dragged Po away.

...

The Furious Five (minus Viper), Fenghuang, Shining Eagle and Po assembled outside for their friendly match.

"Since you cannot fly, it would be dishonorable for me to do so," said Shining Eagle, "Therefore I shall battle you on the ground, and I promise not to leap higher than you can... By the way, how high can you leap?"

"I don't know," he replied, "Let me try..."

He managed to jump a foot upwards.

"Maybe a running jump?" asked Shining Eagle.

"Okay."

He ran several feet and leap prodigiously... three feet forward and about one foot upwards.

"Well, I guess this is going to be a strictly ground battle," mused Shining Eagle.

"I guess throwing yourself off a cliff is not as hard or impressive as I thought," muttered Fenghuang.

"Apparently we need to work on that," sighed Tigress.

"He was more impressive in the training hall," muttered Monkey.

"I suggest you go to the south end of the Courtyard," said Tigress to Shining Eagle, "and Po goes to the north end. Is that acceptable?"

Shining Eagle nodded as did Po. They separated as they walked to their starting positions. The two turned sideways to each other, and stood with one hand forward and another kept back.

"As the acting master of the Jade Palace," said Tigress as she walked between them, "I shall act as the officiator of this match."

Shining Eagle and Po bowed to Tigress, and then bowed to each other. Tigress raised her hand as she said, "The rules are simple. The battle continues until one side surrenders, or I declare a winner based on my decision that one side is clearly winning, the other side is clearly injured, or the other side has cheated. You are not allowed by agreement to use any special chi-based techniques, and Shining Eagle has agreed not to fly. When I drop my hand, the match shall begin."

They all watched and waited for Tigress to begin the match. Seconds seemed to crawl by until she finally dropped her hand and stepped back from the field.

Tigress face-palmed herself as Po rushed forward to attack. Shining Eagle rolled onto her back as he came close, grabbed his leading arm with her foot while planting her other foot into his chest, lifted him up and over her, slammed him into the ground on the other side, used his momentum to come up on top of him as he rolled over onto his stomach, and finally twisted his arm behind his back in a near perfect arm lock. With her strength and leverage, he could not get out of her grasp.

"All right," said Tigress, "The point goes to Shining Eagle. Release him."

She let go as she hopped off his back.

"That! Was! Awesome!" said Po as the eagle raised an eyebrow.

He didn't notice (mercifully) that everyone else had face-palmed (face-clawed or face-winged) as well.

"Thank you," she replied, "but your flattery will not distract me from this fight. Now let us continue."

Po nodded. He raised his hands in a defensive boxing stance, signaling he was not going to be the aggressor this time.

Shining Eagle rolled forward, thrust a kick up through his guard from the ground, and planted a solid kick under his chin. The blow staggered him, making him fall to his back.

Tigress face-palmed as she announced, "Another point to Shining Eagle."

Shining Eagle stood as she said, "Is this some kind of joke? Are you playing with me? When are you going to take me seriously?"

"Ha-durr," said Po as his eyes rolled around. He shook his head.

"I expected the Dragon Warrior to be more of a threat than this."

"All right," he said softly, "Time to bring the awesomeness." He rushed forward to attack again.

Tigress face-palmed as the eagle rolled onto her back and used her feet to grab his arm again. But he was ready this time. When she grabbed his leading arm, his following arm reached out and grabbed the foot that grabbed his arm. He turned sideways so the foot she planted in his chest slid off. Planting his own head into her chest, he rolled onto her with his vastly superior mass. Rolling onto his back, he used his arms and legs to pin the eagle in a full body hug.

Tigress looked between her fingers as she stammered softly, "Uh... point to Po?.. Release?" It almost sounded more like a suggestion than an actual command.

The panda released the eagle as they both got back to their feet.

"I see what you did there," said Shining Eagle, "You lulled me into a false sense of security by letting me score a few easy points. That was strategically clever of you. As I thought, you were holding back on me."

The two bowed to each other before they resumed their ready stances. Po returned to his boxing stance as he watched the eagle.

She tried again to roll forward and thrust a kick up under his guard again, but he grabbed her feet this time, pushed her legs back against her body and fell stomach first on top of the eagle again.

Tigress looked on wide-eyed as she said, "Point to Po. Release."

"I think I know what you're doing," said Po, "You're giving me openings now to see if I treat you with honor and respect. To see if I would try to hurt you in a friendly match. Well I am honorable. I won't exploit my opponents so I can land a cheap blow on them. Even on Temutai, I wouldn't fight dishonorably even though he was much larger and much stronger than me."

"You're right," she said back, "I was testing you, and you have passed so far."

Tigress and the others could have been bowled over with a feather as they stared open-mouthed at the panda and the eagle.

"So let's just make this a clean contest of skill, shall we?"

She nodded. Hopping forward, she thrust a foot-punch at his chest. When he blocked that, he realized too late that the kick was a feint for a couple of wing-chops at the sides of his head. Her wings almost boxed his ears as he staggered back, but clearly she was not aiming for his ears. The blows landed high, almost on the top of his head where his skull was the thickest and best protected. She could have struck at his ears to stun him, or struck at the thin parts of his temples to injure him, but she did not.

"Point to Shining Eagle," said Tigress.

"Your training is great," said Po, "It's totally awesome!"

"Are you trying to distract me with praise?" she asked.

"No," muttered Tigress, "He acts like that to any Kung Fu expert or anyone else he's impressed with."

"I see." She bowed to Po and said, "I surrender to you."

But Po bowed at the same time and said, "I yield to you."

They blinked at each other as the others looked on with stares (except for Fenghuang, who was just smirking as she looked).

"You were holding back and clearly going to win on the next move," said Shining Eagle.

"You were clearly winning," said Po at the same time, "I'm sure you would have won on the next..."

They blinked at each other again as the others looked on with stares (except for Fenghuang, who was just smirking as she looked).

"I declare this fight a draw," said Tigress.

The panda and the eagle bowed to each other, and then bowed to Tigress.

"Your honor and your word are both credible and beyond reproach," said Shining Eagle, "So if Fenghuang can prove to me that she's truly changed her heart, I shall not kill her after our own battle." She bowed to the owl, who bowed back.

"I hope I can prove I'm not the same as the owl I was the last time we fought," she replied.

"I'm hungry," said Po, "Who wants sticky buns for lunch? I'll make my special sweet soy bean paste filling with them."

"Actually," said the eagle, "that does sound... delicious. I would like some if that's alright."

"If the Dragon Warrior thing doesn't work out," commented Monkey, "You always have a future as a house husband and chef."

The others chucked at that, although Tigress was trying to hide her reaction.