Po, the Harem Master

Part 15: Po and the Apocalypse Yao

by Neoraichu

Po X Various. The story returns to the beginning of the Kung Fu Panda Movies and Legends of Awesomeness, and asked the question, "what if this was written like a Harem Anime?"

WARNING: This is a strange tale, so READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

Master Shifu and Tai Lung walked into the gates of Temutai's seat of power and that of the Qidan Clan as if they belonged there. As if they owned the place. The glares and snarls from Tai Lung alone kept the large water buffalo warriors at bay. But the massive Temutai simply glared down at them from his throne of stone.

"SO WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!" hollered Temutai down on them.

"Greetings, Mighty Temutai," said Tai Lung smoothly, "My name is Tai Lung." He gestured to his smaller companion as he added, "and this is my Master, Master Shifu."

"FUNNY, I THOUGH YOU WERE ROTTING IN CHORH-GOM PRISON!"

"I got time off... for good behavior. But that's not why we're here."

"THEN WHY ARE YOU HERE?!"

"We have heard that you lost to the Dragon War..."

"IT WAS A DRAW!"

"Well, then let us say you didn't beat the Dragon Warrior."

"AND YOUR POINT IS?!"

"Please explain, Master Shifu."

Shifu stepped forward, cleared his throat and said, "I know for a fact that Grand Master Yao, the greatest mind Kung Fu has ever known, is on his way to the Jade Palace. It's a stopover on his trip to the capital. He's traveling in his meditation box with four attendants. There are no warriors with him."

"AND?!"

"He knows ALL Kung Fu. I we take him, and make him tell us the secrets of Kung Fu, it would surely become child's play to DESTROY the Dragon Warrior."

"WAIT ONE SECOND, SHIFU!" he yelled, "YOU'RE FROM THE JADE PALACE! AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE ON HIS SIDE?!"

"I assure you that Panda is a FAKE and a FRAUD! Tai Lung should be the Dragon Warrior! One of the Furious Five should be the Dragon Warrior! Not that incredible FAKE!"

"BUT HE DID THE IMPOSSIBLE THUNDERING WIND HAMMER! I SAW IT! HOW CAN HE BE A FAKE?!"

"Nothing but a FLUKE! A beginner's luck!" Master Shifu paused to take a few deep breaths, and recompose himself as Temutai responded.

"IT ALL SMELLS SUSPICIOUS! HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WON'T USE THIS VAST KUNG FU KNOWLEDGE TO TAKE ME OUT OF THE PAINTING?!"

"You don't, any more than we don't know you won't try to use your Kung Fu Knowledge to try and conquer the Valley of Peace."

"YOU HAVE A POINT THERE!"

"So if we work together to kidnap Yao, we agree to share the knowledge we get from him?"

"AS LONG AS NO ONE TRIES TO MONOPOLIZE HIS TIME OR HIDE SECRETS FROM ME, YOUR TERMS ARE AGREEABLE!"

"Remember, this vast and precious knowledge will lose value if we share it with just anyone," said Master Shifu as he looked around at Temutai's guards.

"VERY WELL, BUT I DON'T EXPECT MY MEN WILL BE DOING ALL OF THE WORK!"

"Of course," answered Tai Lung, "We'll be pulling our own weight here."

"WHEN DO WE LEAVE?!"

"If we set out tomorrow morning," said Shifu, "We should reach the optimum ambush point in about 2 days."

"WHERE AMBUSH POINT WILL THIS BE?!"

"At the gates to the Village under the Jade Palace itself. They would never expect an attack at that place at that time."

"I APPROAVE!"

"Not that I care for your opinion, fool," muttered Tai Lung under his breath.

...

Po found Tigress running around the Student's Barracks in a tizzy.

"Slow down," he said as he caught her, "Take a breath and tell me what's wrong."

She panted a moment before she said, "Nothing's wrong! It couldn't be better! The great Grand Master Yao is stopping by the Jade Palace!"

"Who?"

"Grand Master Yao!"

"Oh wait, isn't he the greatest mind of Kung Fu that ever lived?!"

"The same!"

Po danced as he said, "AND HE'S COMING HERE?!"

"That's what the message said."

"WHEN?!"

"He'll be here for about three hours in about two days time."

"Now I can see why you're so excited!"

Tigress coughed, and said, "I'm not excited. But Master Yao is so important that everything must be in order for his visit. Every little thing. This could be one of the greatest events the Palace has ever hosted, Po."

"You mean he's never been here before?"

"Grand Master Oogway never talked about it if he had."

"You'd think the Oogway and Yao would certainly know each other from somewhere."

"I suppose that must be true."

"I'll do what I can to help."

"No, Po," she replied, "You must make up for lost training. Masters Crane, Mantis, Monkey and some of the villagers will take care of the preparations. Viper must rest, and I have to train you myself. It's going to be a busy two days."

It was in fact, a very busy two days. Tigress was training Po to the bone, he was checking up every night on Fenghuang and Viper almost as much as Scorpion was. Tigress had to step in a couple of times to separate Fenghuang from Po with her aggressive displays of affection for him. There was also the matters of eating, sleeping, and bathing to consider.

In the meantime, the Ladies of the Shade bid their farewells, and returned to their own village. They lingered around long enough for Voiceless to give a large hug and kiss on the cheek to one of her best friends in the whole world: Po.

But when the morning came when Master Yao was supposed to arrive, they instead got a panicked villager running up the stairs shouting, "MASTER YAO AND HIS ATTENDANTS ARE UNDER ATTACK AT THE EDGE OF THE VILLAGE!"

Tigress turned and yelled, "YOU HEARD HIM, FURIOUS FIVE! LET'S GO!"

"I'M COMING TOO!" shouted Po.

"COUNT ME IN!" cried Shining Eagle, "I'LL FLY AHEAD AND SCOUT!"

"BE CAREFUL!" cried Tigress as Shining Eagle flew ahead.

"I'LL HELP!" shouted Crane as he flew after her.

Viper slithered ahead before Tigress stopped her and said, "Not this time, Viper. Stay here and rest."

"Aw," she moaned.

"Someone needs to keep Scorpion and Fenghuang company, after all."

"AW!"

"I'd help if I could," muttered Fenghuang as she looked at her wings in slings, "But I'm not very useful like this, am I?"

Tigress, Mantis, Monkey, and Po began running down the stairs towards the Village, and then out to the battle. They hoped they could make it in time.

As Shining Eagle and Master Crane flew over the village, they saw the meditation box of Yao and his four attendants under attack from water buffalo warriors. They were outnumbered at least six to one. The attendants fought fiercely, but their defeat was inevitable.

"NO TIME TO GO BACK!" shouted Shining Eagle, "WE ATTACK NOW OR IT'S TOO LATE!"

"I AGREE!" shouted Crane as the two of them dove to attack.

Shining Eagle attacked first by virtue of her diving speed. Her balled up talons hit the warrior's head so hard, his horns shattered into pieces before he fell over unconscious. She motion continued as she level off to grab the next warrior by the shoulders and push him into the one standing behind him. They both fell to the ground in a senseless heap. She flew out past the brawl as she circled around to come back.

Crane grabbed two of the warriors by the shoulders, lifted them into the air for just a second, and even then managed to throw the two of them a good twenty yards away from the battlefield. Then Crane used his momentum to fly back up into the sky.

A huge rock was chucked at the eagle that she just barely managed to avoid. She saw a giant water buffalo she knew by reputation to be Temutai. He was just out of view behind a very large bush.

"COME DOWN HERE AND FIGHT US, COWARDS!" he shouted at the two birds.

"YOU COME HERE WITH TWO DOZEN WARRIORS TO FIGHT FOR YOU, AND YOU HAVE THE NERVE TO CALL US COWARDS?!" shouted Shining Eagle back, "THE COWARD IS THE ONE WHO WON'T FIGHT FOR THEMSELVES!"

"THEN FIGHT ME IF YOU AREN'T AFRAID!"

"If we beat you, will you take your men and leave in peace without Grand Master Yao?!" called Crane.

"IF I BEAT YOU, WE GET TO TAKE YAO WITHOUT ANY RESISTANCE!"

"I accept your terms!"

"I'LL GO FIRST!" shouted the eagle.

"ONE AT A TIME, OR BOTH AT ONCE! IT MAKES NO DIFFERENCE TO ME!"

"Tell your warriors to stop fighting until this is resolved!" shouted Crane.

"FINE! EVERYONE STOP FIGHTING NOW!" His bellow was so loud that everyone indeed stopped fighting.

They landed as Shining Eagle faced off against Temutai, and Crane standing to one side. The warriors moved aside as well as the attendants circled the meditation box, which was still closed and barred.

'We just have to stall them long enough for Tigress and the others to get here!' thought Crane.

She used her wings to make a 'come and get some' gesture at him, and he obliged her by making a charge straight at her. Leaping up, she lashed out at several of the pressure points in his left arm and shoulder as he passed underneath. He stopped his charge, turned, and flexed his left arm and rotated it.

"YOU TRIED TO PAYALYZE MY ARM!" he shouted, "BUT IT DIDN'T WORK! MY BODY IS TO STRONG AND MY HIDE TOO THICK!"

"Oh, I slowed down that arm alright," she replied, "and I'll slow down the rest of your body as well."

He came back leading with his right fist, but she easily moved aside as she repeated her attacks at his right arm instead of the left.

Crane looked to the meditation box, and saw that four water buffalo warriors were running away with it. The attendants were down as well, but it didn't seem right for some reason he just couldn't put his beak on.

"MASTER YAO!" he screamed.

"WHAT MANNER OF TREACHERY IS THIS?!" screamed Shining Eagle.

"THAT WASN'T MY ORDERS!" he yelled back.

"Then who did?!"

A small form leaped onto Master Crane's back as a larger form leaped onto Shining Eagle. When being struck in the pressure points of the back, Crane realized what was wrong: The attendants weren't beaten down, killed or knocked out, they were paralyzed. Something the brutish water buffalo warriors could not have possibly done.

"WHY, MASTER SHIFU?!" he screamed as he fell onto his beak.

"I'm sorry it has to be this way!" shouted Master Shifu on his back.

In the meantime, Tai Lung pinned Shining Eagle under his knees as he struck at the pressure points at the sides of her neck. "In seconds," he shouted, "Your heart will stop and YOU WILL DIE!"

"THAT'S NOT WHAT WE AGREED TO!" shouted Shifu back at him.

"I AGREED TO NOTHING, MASTER!"

Just then, a large black and white mass struck Tai Lung at an angle, knocking him off Shining Eagle as the two of them tumbled away from her.

As Tai Lung snapped back to his feet, he shouted, "DRAGON WARRIOR?! HOW?!"

Po took a little longer to get up again as he smirked, "It's just amazing that there's so many uses for the Thundering Wind Hammer, isn't it?!"

"Your eagle friend will die in seconds!" said Shifu, "Will you fight Tai Lung, or save her?!"

Po rushed to Shining Eagle's side as Tai Lung raised his fist to Po's back.

"DAMN YOU!" shouted Shifu, "WE HAVE MASTER YAO! TAI LUNG, WE'RE LEAVING! RETREAT TO TEMUTAI'S LAIR! NOW!"

The leopard lowered his fist as Po struck the pressure points at the sides of the eagle's neck. "Yes Master," he replied as they turned and fled, "At once."

"Dragon Warrior," said the eagle weakly, "You should have stopped them. I'm not important enough to..." The touch had come too late. Her heart was failing.

"NO!" said Po firmly, "Even if it means letting them get away with Master Yao, I can't let you die!"

He planted both hands into her breast feathers and started pumping her heart from the outside.

"Just live for me!"

Tigress and the others arrived to see Po blowing air into Shining Eagle's nose holes. Then he went back to pumping her heart.

"Stop it, Po," she said as she put her hand on his shoulders, "She's gone."

"I don't believe you!"

"I know you have a kind heart, but you have to face..."

Just then, Shining Eagle coughed and breathed in. Po planted an ear against her chest feathers, and said "Her heart is beating! She'll LIVE!"

Tigress looked dumbfounded. He hugged the eagle to his chest.

"Dragon Warrior," she asked, "Why? Master Yao is much more important than the likes..."

"No!" he cried, "You're ALL SPECIAL TO ME! I can't let ANY of you DIE!"

Tigress turned around when she saw that the two of them were crying on each other. "Master Crane and the attendants looked paralyzed. I know that Master Shifu and Tai Lung had something to do with this. Let's get them fixed up at once, Master Mantis. Viper isn't here, so that acupressure work must fall to you."

"At once, Master," said Mantis as he leaped to start working on the attendants.

When Crane was fixed, he leaped up and shouted, "I'll follow them! They can't have gotten too far..."

Tigress put a hand on the base of his wing as she said, "That won't be necessary. There's only one place they could be heading because Temutai won't let them go anywhere else. His own palace. As soon as... we're ready..." She glanced at Po and Shining Eagle, and continued, "We're ready to go, we'll give chase. Water buffalo are not fast. We'll catch up with them just as they return to the palace, so we can save Master Yao before they can seriously interrogate him. His secrets cannot fall into their hands."

"I'm so sorry, father," sobbed Shining Eagle, "I've shamed myself and you again. I failed you like I failed you the day Fenghuang beat and humiliated..."

"Stop talking like that!" shouted Po, "You haven't failed anyone! You haven't shamed anyone! I saw the attack Tai Lung did, and it was a cowardly attack without honor! There was nothing you could have done to stop it! You are a skilled, noble and honorable Kung Fu warrior, and I won't let ANYONE tell you otherwise! NOT EVEN YOURSELF!"

Shining Eagle broke down in Po's arms and wept all the harder.

...

Shifu and Tai Lung ran through the bamboo forest as they followed the collective warriors of the Qidan and their leader hauling the meditation box with them.

"You should have let me kill them, Master!"

"No!" he shouted back, "We needed them alive as examples of the foolishness of fighting us!"

"The crane could have told them all by..."

"No, that won't do. The Crane is a scatterbrain. I promise you'll get your chance to kill the Dragon Warrior when you are prepared, the time is right, and not one minute sooner!"

"Yes Master," he replied glumly.