Po, the Harem Master

Part 16: Yao is the Time for All Good Men

To Come to the Aid of Their Master

by Neoraichu

Po X Various. The story returns to the beginning of the Kung Fu Panda Movies and Legends of Awesomeness, and asked the question, "what if this was written like a Harem Anime?"

WARNING: This is a strange tale, so READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

Master Shifu, Tai Lung, Temutai, and his warrior group managed to get back to his ruined fortress with the meditation box of Grand Master Yao. Temutai opened the box, grabbed Yao, walked over to the stone pillar, and hung him upside down from the iron chains there. Shifu and Tai Lung walked just behind him.

"My goodness," said Yao as he looked over Temutai, "You're a big one, aren't you?"

"I'm truly sorry about the treatment, Master Yao," said Shifu, "but these are extraordinary times requiring extraordinary measures."

"Oh look at these chains," muttered Yao, "Exquisite!"

Temutai slammed his fist into the stone, cracking it right next to Yao's head, exclaiming "TELL US THE SECRETS OF KUNG FU IF YOU WANT TO LIVE!" His muzzle was right in Yao's face.

"Oh, such strong garlic breath," muttered Yao, "Exquisite!"

"I'M SERIOUS!"

"Your horns are so pointy!" he exclaimed, "Can I touch them?!"

Temutai turned his head to Shifu and asked, "WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM?!"

"He spends all of his time meditating about Kung Fu," replied Shifu, "He doesn't get out much."

"YOU HAVE UNTIL TOMORROW MORNING TO TALK OR YOUR HEAD GOES BYE-BYE!"

"Exciting!"

Shifu turned to Tai Lung and said, "We won't get anywhere like this."

"Yes Master," said Tai Lung, "Perhaps a few pressure point hits on his spine will..."

"Don't be ridiculous," scolded Shifu, "His mind is so powerful, he can completely shut it off from the rest of his body. Acupressure won't get us anywhere."

"So we just let the big brute over here kill him?"

"No, we just have to ask the right questions," he replied, "Let me show you all." He walked over to Yao and asked, "What pressure points do you strike to stop your opponent's heart in a few seconds?"

"You strike at the base of the neck on each side with two fingers. It is important that you strike just on each side of the Caroted Artery, of the effect won't happen. Hitting the artery directly will just damage the vessel and inhibit blood flow, which is not immediately lethal."

"But I knew that already!" snarled Tai Lung.

"AS DID I!" added Temutai.

Shifu then asked, "What pressure points do you strike to stop your opponent's heart three days later?"

"You do the quick heart attack pressure point strikes, but only to the right side of the victim's neck. The maneuver must be repeated a total of three times."

"I didn't know that," muttered Tai Lung.

"WHY SHOULD I CARE IF SOMEONE WILL DIE IN THREE DAYS?! WHAT GOOD WOULD THAT DO ME?!"

"Because that's a perfect technique for..." said Shifu, "AN ASSASSIN."

"I'M NO ASSASSIN!"

"That's beside the point," sighed Shifu, "The point is he knows every secret of Kung Fu if we can just ask him the right questions."

"He's absolutely right," agreed Yao.

"FINE!" he snarled as he looked into Yao's eyes, "WHAT ARE THE RIGHT QUESTIONS?!"

"It all depends on what you want to know."

"I HAVE A QUESTION," snarled Tigress, "HOW MANY DAYS WILL IT TAKE FOR TEMUTAI TO RECOVERY AFTER I KICK HIS BUTT ALL OVER THIS PLACE?!"

Yao glanced at Tigress, and said "Oh, about three days."

They turned to face Master Tigress, the Dragon Warrior, Master Monkey, Master Crane, Master Mantis and Shining Eagle.

"ATTACK THEM, MY WARRIORS!"

His warriors rushed in to attack the group. He stopped, turned and put his face back into the face of Master Yao. Yao looked back and blinked as the massive water buffalo formed a question.

Tigress dropped the first two warriors who got close to her by leaping up and doing a split kick into both of their chests.

Po leaped into the air and did a double 'claw' attack to the warrior's head, shattering his horns just like he saw Shining Eagle do it. The warrior likewise fell down.

Master Monkey leaped onto a warrior's head and boxed his ears, stunning him with pain.

Master Mantis leaped at a warrior and used his shoulder pressure points to render his arms useless.

Master Crane and Shining Eagle flew into the sky and readied to attack the warriors from above.

"HOW DO I DEFEAT AN ENEMY WHO FLIES?!"

"Find a place where you have cover over your head," commented Yao, "Make them come to you on the ground where you are stronger."

Temutai looked around, and noticed the place was shockingly lacking in such cover. He looked at the warriors who weren't engaged in battle yet, and yelled, "GRAB A SHIELD AND COVER YOUR HEADS! STAND CLOSE TOGETHER AND COVER EACH OTHER!"

"Ah, the classic overhead shield wall tactic," said Yao, "Excellent!"

The warriors were now guarded against the fliers, and still had a free hand to attack the enemies they faced on the ground.

"Master?" asked Tai Lung, "May I join the battle?"

"No," he replied, "We must conserve our strength, and strike when our attacks will have the greatest effect on our enemies. There's no point in squandering our power now."

"Yes Master."

"HOW DO I DEFEAT MASTER TIGRESS?!" asked Temutai of Yao.

"Strike at her armpits," he answered, "Those are her vulnerable spots."

He moved in to attack Tigress. Raising his arm to crash down on her, he tricked her into raising her arms in an attempted block. But it was really just a ruse so he could give her a vicious kick to her right armpit. Tigress staggered back, grabbing her armpit as she screamed in agony.

Po leaped in front of Tigress to cover her as he shouted, "THE MIGHTY TEMUTAI, REDUCED TO CHEAP SHOTS AND DIRTY TRICKS?!"

Temutai lunged ahead and grabbed Po's right arm at the wrist with his left arm as he shouted, "JUST TRY AND DO THE THUNDERING WIND HAMMER NOW, DRAGON WARRIOR!"

"Nah," said Po, "I'd rather do this." He used Temutai's arm as leverage as he lifted himself up and used his feet to box Temutai's ears just under his horns. The massive water buffalo yelled in pain as he let go of Po's arm.

"NOW FOR THE THUNDERING WIND HAMMER!" he shouted as he used the legendary attack once more to send Temutai sailing a mile back through stone pillars and thick stone walls.

He raced back to Tigress, who had fallen to her knees by now.

"Are you okay?!" he asked with dire concern.

"I think his kick broke some of my upper ribs," she moaned in agony.

"Let me help," he said as he hit a number of acupressure points around her armpit.

"When did you learn about acupressure?" she asked as the pain was eased.

"I don't know," he answered, "It just seems like my body knows how to do it now."

"You must have learned that just by watching the others doing it!"

"You can do that?"

"Not anyone can do that," she replied, "But A MIMIC can!"

"A who-what-now?"

"A mimic is a very rare individual who can learn any Kung Fu Technique just by seeing it done ONCE!"

"Brilliant deduction!" said Yao.

"DAMN HIM TO HELL!" shouted Shifu, "LEAVE MASTER YAO HERE! WE HAVE TO RETREAT OR ALL IS LOST!"

"But Master..." said Tai Lung.

"ARE YOU DEAF?! I SAID RETREAT!"

"Yes Master. At once."

The two of them fled as the others fought the water buffalo warriors. Po hoved over Tigress as he tended to her injuries. He made an impromptu sling for her arm from things he found laying on the ground around them.

Master Crane and Shining Eagle came down to the ground to battle the warriors, and their fighting skills were not reduced as much as the warriors liked, even though they were still outnumbering the attacking heroes, especially with Po and Tigress out of the action.

Tigress looked at the jury rigged sling, and said, "You've done all you can for me. I beg you, go help the others fight now."

He rushed off to attack, but even more reinforcements were coming every minute. It was starting to look hopeless. Even Yao had his eyes closed.

"I didn't think it would end like this," said Tigress softly.

Then Yao opened his eyes again, and they were positively glowing with Chi energy. A massive burst of golden Chi energy erupted from Yao, radiating outwards in all directions. ALL the attacking warriors suddenly stiffened, got knocked back several feet away from Yao, and then fell over paralyzed.

"What just happened?!" asked Po as he looked around, wondering how they just won.

"I did the Yao's Eight Arm Yangtze Spleen Punch," said Yao, "WITH MY MIND!"

"That! Is! So! AWESOME!" Then he paused to think, "Hey, if you did that earlier, TIGRESS WOULDN'T BE HURT NOW! WHY DIDN'T YOU DO THAT SOONER?!" He suddenly seemed angry at Yao.

"And miss out on all this fun?" he asked, "Besides, Tigress only has a bruise. Her ribs might be a little sore for a few days, but I promise none of her ribs are broken. But YOU had to defeat TEMUTAI again to learn something more about yourself. About the TRUE POWER OF THE DRAGON WARRIOR. If I thought for a second that he might seriously injure Tigress, I WOULD HAVE ACTED TO STOP HIM. This I swear to you on my own life."

Po calmed down as he looked at Tigress, and said, "I was still worried sick about her."

"That is the burden of caring," said Yao, "and also your greatest strength. Don't you ever forget that."

"I won't," promised Po as Tigress tried to hide her smile, "This I swear to you on my own life." He was looking right into Tigress' eyes as he said the latter part.

"We better get Master Yao back into his meditating box and back to the Jade Palace," said Tigress, "He's a busy man with a schedule to keep."

"Actually, I'd rather walk with the rest of you and see the sights. I haven't seen land as beautiful as the Valley of Peace in over sixty years."

"Awesome!" said Po, "We'll just..."

"Oh leave that old thing here," said Yao as he looked at his meditating box, "I have spares. I'm sure they'll find me a brand new one at the capital. Too bad this one wasn't destroyed, eh Po?"

"Oh, I get you," he said, "I've been meaning to seriously try out the MONGOLIAN FIREBALL!" He hit the box with his new attack, making it explode before it all imploded upon itself. "That! Is! So! AWESOME!"

"Grand Master Oogway was right. The Universe DID choose you, Po."

"I miss Oogway so much," sniffed Tigress.

"One day," said Yao, "We can all join him being one with the Universe."

They all started their journey back to the Jade Palace.