Po, the Harem Master
Part 17: The Good, the Bad and the Po
by Neoraichu
Po X Various. The story returns to the beginning of the Kung Fu Panda Movies and Legends of Awesomeness, and asked the question, "what if this was written like a Harem Anime?"
WARNING: This is a strange tale, so READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.
…
"I can understand how you would like to take a day off from training, Dragon Warrior," said Tigress softly, "so I'll have you do something else useful. You can clean the relic vault. The closet in the corner has all the cleaning supplies you should need."
He was too busy looking around wide eyed at all of the relics the Jade Palace had collected over the centuries. There was swords, axes, maces, shields, helmets, masks, armor, bows, arrows, staffs of various lengths and thicknesses, boots, sandals, slippers, and too many other things for his mind to wrap itself around.
"Wow, for a menial job, this is pretty awesome!" said Po as he danced around, "How much of this stuff is the real deal?" Looking at a tall mirror framed in ancient looking red stained wood leaning against a wall, he said, "Oh, I know that one! It's the Mirror of Yin-Yang!" He rushed over to look at himself in it. "Can I touch it?!"
"Yes," replied Tigress, "because that's just a replica. The real mirror is locked in that vault over there with the most dangerous relics we keep here." She looked in the direction of the vault that looked like a wooden wardrobe from the outside. Walking over, she opened the wooden doors to reveal the iron vault within. "This lock requires TWO keys that must be turned at the same time to even open it, so don't even think about trying to look in there."
"Too late," said Po with a sigh.
"I hope you can get most of the cleaning done by dinner," she said, "because you'll have to finish the rest of this tomorrow morning after breakfast. In the morning. At sunrise."
Po was too busy gawking at the vault to really listen to Tigress at this point. He just said, "awesome."
"I'm really as lesbian who loves Master Viper."
"Awesome."
"I masturbate myself to sleep every night thinking about sticky buns."
"Awesome."
"WOULD YOU PLEASE LISTEN TO ME?!" she snarled, making Po jump.
"What?!"
"I said, 'I hope you can get most of the cleaning done by dinner, because you'll have to finish the rest of this tomorrow morning after breakfast'. So please do the best job you can."
"Okay."
She walked to the closet, and returned with a feather duster. As she handed it to him, she said, "Dust first, sweep second, wet mop third, and polish the metal next. If you have time, apply a new layer of varnish over the faded wooden items."
"The Dragon Warrior lives to serve!"
She leaned in and kissed him on the cheek as she purred, "Perhaps you could save a little of that service for me?"
"Huh?"
Blushing at her own bold words, she said, "It's nothing!" He watched her retreat from the vault, leaving him behind with the feather duster. He absentmindedly began to dust the inner vault door even though it was in fact dust free.
"You're just dying to know about that mirror and all those other dangerous toys, aren't you?" asked a voice from the shadows.
"What?" he asked, "Who's there?"
Mei Ling, the fox, stepped out of the shadows as she said, "I can help you look until your heart's content, Dragon Warrior."
"But you stole the Dragon Chalice!" he said accusingly.
"How can I steal what is already mine?" she asked smoothly.
"Yours?"
"Yes, Shifu promised that to me years ago," she replied evenly, "before I had to take a journey to the Capital. By the time I returned, he forgot all about his promise. He forgot all about me."
"But why are you here? Why now?"
"He promised me a few things in here. One of them happens to reside in that very vault."
"You have the keys?" he asked excitedly.
"No, I'm sure he took the keys with him wherever his disappeared to," she answered, "but let's just say that I have a way with locks."
She pulled a couple of crooked metal wires from her sleeve as she stepped up to the vault door. Then she looked over her shoulder as Po was all but drooling over her.
"Excuse me," she said curtly, "A little personal space please?"
"Oh sorry," he said as he backed up.
She began picking both locks at the same time. A few minutes passed until both locks clicked at the same time. Opening the vault door, she opened an ivory box, and took a glowing stone from it. She dropped the stone into a small bag that disappeared up her sleeve before she closed the box once again.
"Hey, is that one of those Zhou Deng Soul Gems?"
"Yes," she purred, "I'm only taking one because he only promised me one."
"That's so thoughtful of you," he said back, "I'd be tempted to take them all."
"I'm a real princess of a gal, aren't I?"
He nodded.
'Moron,' she thought. "Look," she said, "I already know where my stuff is, and I'm sure you'll want to spend plenty of time looking at all these... priceless treasures. Just be careful. These doors will simply lock themselves again as soon as you close them, so make sure you put back everything you look at before you do so. You don't want to upset Tigress, now do we?"
"Oh no!" exclaimed Po, "I'd never want to do that!" He thought, 'because I like her way too much to upset her like that.'
'So he's scared of her, too?' she though as a small chuckle escaped her mouth.
"What's so funny?"
"Nothing," she replied, "I... just heard the Cursed Giggling Sword is in here somewhere."
"Cursed Giggling Sword?"
"Oh yes. They say that once you pick up the sword, you can't put it down until you die. Worse than that, it makes you laugh yourself helpless whenever you're faced with a deadly situation."
"Wow, that sounds like a wicked awesome curse!"
"I'm... sure it is." She thought, 'Such a bloody moron!'
He looked at the cover over an object shaped like the Yin-Yang Mirror. Mei Ling had already slipped back into the shadows by then. Lifting the corner of the of the cover over the mirror, he glanced into it. He opened his mouth in surprise as the reflection was grinning at him darkly. It was so spooky, he turned and fled from the room.
After he left, another Po stepped from the vault. He laughed darkly as he looked in the direction that the other version of himself had just run away in.
'Just laugh, MORON!' thought Mei Ling from the shadows, who apparently had not seen the first Po leave, 'I'll just rob you all blind! That will show Shifu that he shouldn't have spurned my love!'
...
Po retreated to the relic vault foyer to begin sweeping and cleaning there. He was far too scared to go back even though he had left the hidden vault door standing wide open. As he glanced into the relic vault entrance hall, he seriously hoped that Mei Ling would be nice enough to close it when she left. When he was done sweeping, he went to the closet to get the mop. The other Po crept out while the first Po was gone. Then Mei Ling followed the other Po out with her bag of goods she had stolen from the relic vault.
While the second Po boldly walked into the Courtyard, Mei Ling climbed over the wall to make good her escape. Tigress was sweeping the grounds when she noticed Po coming towards her.
"Are you done already?" she asked.
"No," he growled, "I changed my mind. Let's train. I want to spar with you right now."
"I've never seen you want to train so... aggressively," she observed.
"I want to be ready to kick Tai Lung's sorry ass all over the countryside when we fight!"
She tossed aside the broom as she said, "I admire your dedication, but don't get cocky." Then she shifted into a ready stance as she faced Po.
He also shifted into a ready stance.
"I know Tai Lung's the aggressive type!" he observed, "He'll surely attack me first! I want you to come straight at me!"
She nodded. Lunging at him, she threw a punch at his head. He grabbed her arm at the hand and the elbow, threw her over his shoulder, and slammed her into the ground rather hard. She rolled to her feet as she glared at him. He had never treated her so roughly before.
"Attack me again!" he snarled.
She charged again, but her wind up for a punch was merely a ruse to cover a leg sweep kick at his feet. But he leaped over her kick, and punched her in the side of her head. He hit her ear, making it hurt like hell. She was knocked back, fell and rolled back to her feet. Now she was getting very angry.
"LOSER!" he shouted, "ATTACK ME AGAIN!"
She dropped to all fours and just charged him. Her head slammed into his stomach, as he made no attempt to block or dodge her attack at all. But he had no intention of stopping her attack at all. He let the fat in his stomach take the blow as her grabbed her right arm, twisted it behind her back as far as he could, and used all of his weight to fall onto her back. She screamed in pain as her shoulder was dislocated.
"YOU'RE PATHETIC! TAI LUNG WOULD HAVE KILLED YOU BY NOW!"
She was hopelessly trapped under his bulk as she whimpered.
"PO?!" shouted Master Monkey, "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?! LET HER GO!"
He looked up at Monkey, Crane, Mantis, Shining Eagle and Scorpion (all of whom heard the noisy fight), and snarled at them, "WHY DON'T YOU SECOND BANANAS MAKE ME!"
"Second banana?!" asked Monkey, "Was that supposed to be a joke?!"
"No!" he snarled, "YOU are the joke, monkey-boy!"
"You're way over the line!" shouted Crane.
"I'M THE DRAGON WARRIOR!" he shouted back, "I DRAW THE LINES!" He twisted her arm hard making the elbow bend the wrong way until that dislocated too, causing her to scream in pain again.
They were all horrified at what Po had done. It was totally against the nature of the Po they had come to know and respect so much.
"HE'S TURNED EVIL!" shouted Monkey, "WE HAVE TO TAKE HIM DOWN!" They moved in to attack him, spreading out to strike from all sides. He closed his eyes as they charged to strike.
"I'M SORRY TO HAVE TO DO THIS, PO!" shouted Shining Eagle.
Then Po opened his eyes again, and they were positively glowing with Chi energy. A massive burst of golden Chi energy erupted from him, radiating outwards in all directions. ALL the attacking heroes suddenly stiffened, got knocked back several feet away from him, and then fell over paralyzed.
"He did the Yao's Eight Arm Yangtze Spleen Punch," said Shining Eagle weakly as she lay on her back, "WITH HIS MIND!"
He stood up as he said, "You're all weak and foolish! Death is the price for being weak!"
A storm of peach blossoms swept in from the hill, and a green ghostly vision of Grand Master Oogway appeared several yards behind Po. "Bad Po!" said the Grand Master, "You need a time out!" A giant pillar of stone erupted under Po, sending him sailing over the wall, over the whole village, and out into the meadow past the village.
"That was the Impossible Fist of the Earth Technique!" shouted Po as he vanished into the distance.
He stepped up to the weeping Tigress and touched both her shoulder and elbow. They both snapped back into place without effort, and without pain.
"Look for the good in Po," he whispered into her ear, "He cannot be whole when he's not in balance."
"Oogway," she sobbed, "I miss you so much..."
He then stood and walked around to each person in the Courtyard, touching each on the neck at the base of the left shoulder, and released them from their paralysis. Then his ghost vanished in the same cloud of peach petals.
Then someone rolled her onto her back. She was staring into the face of... Po?!
"Are you alright?" he asked as he used the pressure points of her chest, shoulder and arm to ease her considerable pain. She headbutted him head to head, grabbed his shoulders, and rolled on top of him as she screamed in his face.
"What the hell is wrong with you?!" she howled in fury.
But to her surprise, he covered his face and neck with his arms and whimpered like a total coward as he said, "PLEASE DON'T HURT ME!"
"I just saw Po get knocked MILES away by the ghost of Oogway!" shouted Monkey, "How the hell did he get back here so fast?!"
"Look for the good in Po?" she asked aloud, "Be whole? Be in balance? OH NO!"
"What's wrong?" asked Monkey.
"PO MUST HAVE LOOKED INTO THE YIN-YANG MIRROR!"
"How the hell did he get to that?"
"Mei Ling helped me see it," he replied simply.
"MEI LING?!" screamed Tigress, "SHE WAS IN THE RELIC VAULT?!"
"Oh yeah, she just stopped by to take back a few things that Master Shifu had promised to her."
"WHAT THE HELL?!"
"By the way, it felt like she was just a little upset about something."
"Who knows how many things she's stolen!" cried Master Crane.
"She's probably long gone and hiding down in the village by now," observed Master Mantis.
"Tigress!" he cried as he glomp-hugged her to his chest, "I just want you to know I love you!"
"Ow ow ow," whimpered Tigress, "The arm is still tender."
"So sorry!" he cried as he released her.
"What about me?" asked Scorpion as she scrabbled over.
"I love you too!"
"And Master Viper?"
"I love her too!"
"And Fenghuang?"
"I love her too!"
Shining Eagle asked, "And me?"
"I love you too!"
"And Master Crane?"
"I love him too!"
"And Master Monkey?"
"I love him too!"
"And Master Mantis?"
"I love him too!"
"And Master Shifu?"
"I love him too!"
"And Tai..."
"ENOUGH!" snarled Tigress as she looked at the awkward looks on all of the men present, "WE GET IT ALREADY!" She was left huffing and puffing. Then she took a minute to compose herself. "Master Crane, Shining Eagle! It's your job to find the evil Po and lure him back to the Jade Palace! Tell him you'd rather die then let him get his hand on the Dragon Scroll! The rest of us need to bring the Yin-Yang Mirror and the good Po back to the Hall to make sure the bad Po looks into it again!"
"Right!" shouted Crane as he and Shining Eagle flew off in the direction bad Po was last seen flying.
She then realized that good Po was hugging her from behind as he whimpered, "Protect me, my love." Walking towards the hall and sighing, she more or less dragged Po behind her.
"You know I hate whimpering and whining, right?" she asked.
"I'm so sorry," he whimpered.
"Still whimpering," she said.
"I'm so sorry," he whimpered.
She just sighed.
...
They waited hiding with the Hall doors wide open. Soon, Crane and Shining Eagle would lead the evil Po back there, because she knew full well he couldn't resist the lure of the Dragon Scroll. Good Po was still clinging to her back as she hid behind the jade green pillar out of sight of the open door. He finally stopped his almost constant whimpering and apologizing to her. She was so focused on the open door that she almost didn't notice the way he was rubbing her chest and stomach, and she really did notice when he started nibbling and kissing her ear.
"Stop that," she growled in a low voice.
"I'm so sorry I hurt you," he said softly into her ear.
"No it wasn't you, it was you! I mean the other you! I mean... oh, never mind!"
He loosened the ties on her jacket and began to rub her shoulder and stomach more directly as he resumed nibbling her ear. Her cheeks blushed as she started to enjoy herself, but she snapped her mind back into focus as she said, "Knock it off! We don't have time for this!" She blushed even worse when she realized that Scorpion and Master Monkey were all staring at their little show from behind their own columns. Her eyes really snapped wide open when he started taking her jacket off, so she grabbed the edges and pulled it shut tight.
She was ever so grateful when he head Mantis calling from behind the open door, "Their almost here! Any second now!"
Master Crane and Shining Eagle flew in the open door, and seconds later, the bad Po ran in after them. He seemed to have A LOT more stamina that the normal Po ever did. After climbing all those stairs, he was usually about dead on his feat, but bad Po RAN all the way up the stairs without getting winded.
"Give me that Dragon Scroll and you'll get a merciful death!" he yelled.
But Crane and Shining Eagle landed, turned and faced bad Po as Tigress, Monkey, Scorpion, Mantis all leaped out to surround him. Good Po just looked from around the corner.
"Give it up, EVIL PO!" she shouted, "We don't want to hurt you!"
He looked at her open jacket and smirked, "Hey tiger babe, you gonna strip for me? You know you totally want to!"
She blushed horribly when she heard that. Then she looked back at the other Po and said, "Throw me the Yin-Yang Mirror!" Monkey grabbed bad Po from behind as Mantis leaped to his head and pulled up on his eyelids. Tigress grabbed the Mirror after it was thrown and started to turn it towards bad Po, be he was already doing a backflip kick which shattered the Yin-Yang Mirror. He stunned Monkey when he landed on his back, and shook Mantis off his head as well. Then he rolled back up to his feet.
"FOOLS!" he shouted, "You can never merge me back with my wimpy goody-goody side now! I just do what I have to!"
"And so do I," said good Po from behind him. Bad Po turned expecting an attack, but came face to face with... the Yin-Yang Mirror?!
"How?!" yelled bad Po as the Mirror started to suck him back in.
"You broke the copy," smirked Tigress.
There was a bright flash of light, and when they could see again, there was only ONE Po holding on to the Yin-Yang Mirror.
"Po?" asked Tigress, "Are you... whole?"
He put the cover back over the front of the mirror, walked over with a smile, and retied the ties on the jacket of Tigress. Then he hugged her, and said softly, "I'm balanced again. And I do really love you." She hugged him back and closed her eyes tight as her blush returned.
