Po, the Harem Master

Part 18: The Perils of Tigress

by Neoraichu

Po X Various. The story returns to the beginning of the Kung Fu Panda Movies and Legends of Awesomeness, and asked the question, "what if this was written like a Harem Anime?"

WARNING: This is a strange tale, so READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

Po secretly watched Master Tigress meditating under the Peach Tree as she searched for solutions concerning Master Shifu and Tai Lung. She was sitting a scant 10 feet from the base of the tree in the traditional Lotus Sitting Position. He had never seen her at such rest with her hands held together in her lap, and certainly never seen her using the Peach Tree. But since she was the acting master of the Jade Palace, it was now her right to do so. He sighed, as while peaceful and meditating, he had never seen her in such a beautiful state. But he knew he couldn't let her know he was there, because he knew that his presence would upset her peace of mind, and he just couldn't do that to her.

"Darn you," she muttered almost too softly for Po to hear, "why can't I stop thinking about him?"

She seemed frustrated as she stood up and shook her head. He couldn't wait to see what she was going to do next. If she was leaving, he had to get back to the Jade Palace well ahead of her. He was moving more slowly because he was being sneaky. So as she looked up into the limb and leaves of the Peach Tree, he slipped away back to the Palace grounds.

"Where have you been?" asked Monkey as he slipped past a tree in the Courtyard.

"I've been taking a walk to clear my mind," he blurted out.

"Clear you mind?" he asked, "Is that really much of a trip for you?"

"Ha ha," said Po sarcastically, "Very funny. Is there a reason you're bothering me?"

"Well, I was really going to bother Tigress..."

"She's meditating!"

"I know that! I'm not blind!"

"What's so important that you can't let Tigress meditate?"

"Yes," asked Tigress, "What's so important?"

They turned to see Tigress standing there.

"Tigress!" said Monkey, "We just got a message from the Sacred Onyx Council that Master Junjie and Master Chao are coming here tomorrow!"

"Why now?"

"The message didn't say!"

"This can't mean anything good," grumbled Tigress.

"Why not?" asked Po with concern.

"Because it's their job to ferret out any weak, foolish or inefficient masters of their Kung Fu Temples and replace them!"

"No way!"

"Way!" She face-palmed herself because she couldn't believe she just said that.

"They can't just replace a Temple Master on a whim," interrupted Monkey, "They have to prove that the ruler of a Temple is not fit, and that requires a test. As long as you pass the test, they cannot take away the Temple."

"I'm sure Tigress can pass any test they have," said Po with a smile.

"Thanks for the vote of confidence," she replied.

"So how did the meditating go?"

"I learned nothing."

"I'm sure you'll learn everything you need to know when you have to."

"I wish I had that much time," she sighed as she looked at Po, "but let's get back to your training." She took Po's hand and led him off towards the Training Hall, leaving Monkey to look on with one eyebrow lifted in curiosity.

...

Tigress was exhausted after spending the rest of the day driving Po hard to become better. She was sure Po was tired too. It all seemed about the Dragon Warrior to her now. She just slipped into her dark room and flopped on her back onto her cot. Much to her dismay, figures emerged from the shadows all around her. Feline forms. One grabbed her right arm, one grabbed her left, one grabbed her right leg, one her left, and one shoved a thick leather bag over her head. They all gripped her tightly. She could hardly move. Someone was holding her mouth closed so she couldn't call out for help. Then someone did a rapid set of nerve strikes at her abdomen, and she felt paralysis spreading from there all over her body.

The bag was tied down tightly over her eyes and mouth. A lot of rope was used to bind her from shoulders to ankles. Her arms were twisted painfully behind her back. Then she was lifted up and spirited out the window.

...

Po awoke to a panicked Monkey.

"TIGRESS IS MISSING!" he yelled in his face.

"Did you try the Peach Tree?" he asked half-asleep.

"OF COURSE WE DID! SHE WASN'T THERE! SHE'S NOT ANYWHERE AT THE JADE PALACE!"

"Calm down," he muttered, "There must be a reasonable explanation."

"SHE WAS KIDNAPPED BY DEMONS!"

"No, that's not it."

"SHE WAS ABDUCTED BY SPIRITS!"

"Isn't that the same thing?"

"NO, IT'S NOT!"

"WILL YOU STOP SCREAMING ALREADY?!"

"YES!" shouted Monkey, who then cleared his breath with a cough, and said, "Okay, sure. But what are we going to do about Junjie and Chao? Viper is still to injured to be the acting Master of the Jade Palace, and they sure as hell wouldn't accept Fenghuang as the Master here. Don't even get me started about Quiong Qi."

"We still have you, Master Crane, Master Mantis, and Shining Eagle."

"The recognized chain of command was Grand Master Oogway, Master Shifu, and then Master Tigress. None of the rest of us have the recognition necessary but one. It really pains me to say this, but that one is the Dragon Warrior." He paused before he add, "That's you, Po."

"ME?!"

"Quick on the uptake, aren't you?"

"That's not important right now!" shouted Po, "I have to LOOK like the acting Master of the Jade Palace before Junjie and Chao get here!"

"Good thinking, Po. I think I can stall them at the gates until you're ready. They could be hear ANY MINUTE NOW!"

"Yelling again, Monkey."

"Sorry."

...

Junjie and Chao waited patiently as Monkey rushed out to meet them. They bowed to him, and he deeply bowed back.

"This is highly irregular," said Chao, "Where is acting Master Tigress?"

"I'm so sorry for the inconvenience," said Monkey, "But Masters Tigress and Viper are sick right now. Viper had her tail crushed under a boulder, and Tigress... is elsewhere... She's suffering from... uh... RIVER FEVER! Yeah, that's it."

"Then who is running the Jade Palace?" asked Junjie with a scowl.

"The Dragon Warrior, of course," said Monkey quickly, "He apologizes for not being here, but he really is very busy with the matter of the rogue masters, Shifu and Tai Lung."

"How dare he make us wait!"

"Calm yourself," said Chao, "I'm sure he'll explain all when he gets here."

Po rushed up in a long white silk jacket, silk pants, and a black silk sash. Monkey had no idea where it came from until he realized it was a formal waiter's uniform. He bowed deeply as he said, "A thousand apologies for the delays, Masters. I'm so glad to see you. Is this a formal visit?"

"Of course it is," growled Junjie, "The most disturbing rumors about the Jade Palace are being proved to be true!"

"Let us not jump to conclusions, Master Junjie," said Chao, "All we have to do is test the worthiness of the Dragon Warrior to make sure the Jade Palace is in capable hands."

"No big deal," agreed Po.

"Very well," suggested Junjie, "We should began the tests by NOON at the latest."

"I agree," added Chao.

"No problem," said Po as he thought, 'HUGE PROBLEM!'

...

Tigress was boiling over with rage, indignation and righteous fury. She was rudely stuffed into a potato sack of all things and tossed over the Palace wall like... like... a sack of potatoes! It didn't matter that someone caught her on the other side, because that was besides the point. There just was not that many ways less dignified for one to be kidnapped.

Once away from the Palace, her kidnappers became more chatty.

"Remember, we hide her in the cave until the Master gives us the signal to release her. By that time, the Jade Palace will be under our control, and she won't have any place left there anyways." Tigress couldn't tell if it was a man or woman that spoke, or what their species might be.

"Maybe we should have a little fun with our prisoner," suggested another voice.

"Don't be so crude! We can't dishonor a Kung Fu Master like that!"

"Oh right," said the second voice dripping with sarcasm, "stuffing her in a potato sack is just so much more dignified."

"She's out prisoner. A prisoner of our Master's war. Nothing more, nothing less. Rape and torture have no place in the treatment of a prisoner. I swear if even one of you tries to molest Tigress, I will..."

"Oh shut the hell up, we know the drill," which was said like that threat was heard a hundred time before then, "You're no fun at all. I promise she'll be kept pure." The last word was almost said in a flood of sarcasm.

The sack was opened as three pairs of hands pulled her out. She was laid out on a cot somewhere. They pulled the sack off her head, but quickly bound her muzzle and gagged her even faster. She was in a dark cave save for a little candle light. Tigress could now see her captors were Clouded Leopards.

One leaned over her and said, "I'm really sorry about this, but orders are orders." It was clear that this was the one who had been defending her honor all along. "This must be really undignified for one such as you, but I'm sure it won't last... that long. With no one competent or recognized enough to run the Jade Palace, I'm sure it will quickly be under new management."

Then the captor undid the pressure points in her abdomen, and the paralysis abated.

"What are you doing?" asked the one next to them.

"Relieving the paralysis," they answered, "You know damn well we can't leave her under such a state for too long, or the complications to her kidneys, lungs and heart could kill her. You know we were specifically told not to kill her. Don't worry, we know she's no master escape artist. As long as one of watches her, she won't get away."

"Well I'm going to blindfold her just to be sure!" said another as her eyes were wrapped tight under a long strip of cloth.

'Po!' she thought, 'Please come and save me!'

...

Po and the others gathered in the Courtyard to see the Masters Chao and Junjie give him the test. Even Scorpion, Viper and Fenghuang were attending, two of which drew very suspicious looked from Chao and Junjie.

"What are two of the foulest creature known to Kung Fu doing here?!" scowled Junjie.

"They were both pardoned by Grand Master Oogway before he joined the Universe," replied Po, "Are you going to question HIS judgment?"

"Of course not," said Chao, "Let it go, Junjie."

Scorpion and Fenghuang both smiled at Po, defender of their honor. Junjie just looked with a narrow-eyed scowl back at Po. In a way, it looked almost identical to the same scowl from Master Shifu, but with Junjie wearing spectacles perched at the end of his snout.

"What is the best way to greet a visiting Master?" asked Chao.

"You bow deeply, address them by their full titles and name, and ask a rhetorical question about their health, family or their past accomplishments," answered Po.

"Very good."

So the verbal etiquette test dragged on for at least an hour with Master Chao asking all of the questions. Po seemed to get about half of the questions correct, which was better than almost anyone else thought he would. Junjie paced back and forth with impatience, which was behind Chao's back.

When Chao was done, he scratched his chin and said, "Barely passable. You'll have to do better on the other tests if you want to remain in charge here."

Po nodded.

"Now for the traditional Kung Fu stances."

Monkey knew that it took ALL FIVE of them to do those right, especially the five member stack, and Po hadn't even done any stance training with them. So he bowed and said respectfully. "Sorry, but with Viper injured and Tigress sick out of town, we can't do those."

"Then we have no choice but to fail you all," said Junjie darkly.

"I fear I have to agree," said Chao.

"We can make up for that?" asked Po, "Right?"

"You would need a flawless performance on the rest of the tests to do that."

"The next test is the Master of the Jade Palace must fight a ceremonial battle with one of us," said Junjie, "I am volunteering to be your sparring partner. Master Chao will officiate. We must perform this battle in the Hall of Warriors once it has been closed, because NO ONE can be present for this battle besides the three of us."

Po nodded. They withdrew to the Hall, were the doors were closed and barred once they were inside. Junjie offered Po his hand as he said, "Let this be a clean and honorable fight."

Po nodded, and then shook Junjie's hand. What only Junjie saw was the fact he tapped Po's wrist pressure point just hard enough to throw off his coordination and balance slightly for several minutes. Then the two separated, and bowed deeply to each other. Chao stood between with his hand up, waiting to signal the start of the match.

"This is only a test," said Chao, "The goal is not to hurt each other, or even outright win, but to display one's Kung Fu Skills and Techniques in action. Either of you can surrender without any disgrace at any time. I will decide when one of you has won."

They both nodded.

"BEGIN!" he said as he backed out of the middle.

Junjie rushed into a sweeping leg kick that knocked Po's feet out, and left him face first on the floor while the much smaller Master leaped backwards while driving his elbow into the back of Po's head.

"Point to Junjie," said Chao.

"I'm sorry," said Po, "I can't understand why I feel so off right now."

"We aren't interested in your excuses, Panda!" scowled Junjie, "Now get up and continue!"

Po stood up as they faced each other again. He stepped into Junjie with a furious flurry of punches, but all of them missed their mark by a fairly wide margin. Junjie simply knocked the Panda on his back with another sweeping leg kick.

"This is pathetic!" scowled Junjie.

"I agree that the Dragon Warrior's performance so far has been..." said Chao softly, "substandard. Point to Junjie."

Po was unsteady as he stood up yet again. This time, Junjie leaped into Po face as he unloaded a flurry of bone breaking kicks right into Po's chest. He staggered backwards and fell over.

"Point to Junjie."

"Stay down if you know what's good for you!" growled Junjie.

Po got back up.

"That's it!" snarled Junjie, "It's all over for you! GOLDEN LOTUS CLAP!"

Chao looked away as Junjie clapped his hands, sending a wave of golden energy right at Po. He was slammed backwards into the wall with incredible force. As he slumped to the ground, he also realized that he was now blind. That realization came just before he passed out.

"ARE YOU INSANE?!" asked Chao, "HOW DARE YOU USE SUCH A POWERFUL MOVE ON A TESTEE!"

Junjie bowed to Chao as he said, "A thousand apologies, Master Chao. I... don't know what came over me... what there is about the Dragon Warrior that makes me... so upset. I can't stand the thought of this inept buffoon running the Jade Palace one minute longer..."

"While your methods are excessive, I can't argue with your conclusions. We have no choice but to leave you in charge of the Jade Palace until such a time as we can find a proper Master for this place. Now open the doors so his... associates can get him over to the infirmary."

"Very well," said Junjie as he bowed, "I shall run this place properly until that time comes."