Po, the Harem Master

Part 21: Po and the Flight of the Shining Eagle

by Neoraichu

Po X Various. The story returns to the beginning of the Kung Fu Panda Movies and Legends of Awesomeness, and asked the question, "what if this was written like a Harem Anime?"

WARNING: This is a strange tale, so READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

Po awoke wondering how long he had been out, or how long he had been dreaming. He wondered how he had wound up in the finest bed he had ever slept in, and then realized he was in Master Shifu's room after it had been all dolled up and made fancy by someone. It seemed so strange that four women would propose to him no matter how sweet he might have been to them. He sat up, taking the sheets along with him.

"Master," purred Tigress sleepily, "Stop taking the covers."

He looked next to himself and saw Tigress laying there on her side facing his direction. There was 2 things wrong with this picture: The fact Tigress was wearing nothing at all, and the fact that her four teats were obviously engorged with milk. But before he could figure out what the deal with that was, he could hear the squalling of babies erupt in the distance.

Tigress sat up like the hopping dead, turned, and climbed out of bed. Well, at least she didn't stand up like a hopping dead. He slipped out of bed and followed her out of the room. When he was about to turn and follow Tigress down the hall, he saw something in the room across the way. He stepped up to look into the room and realized that it was Master Viper, and boy was her lower body bloated all out of shape. It was like she swallowed an small pig villager whole and a number of days earlier at that.

But Viper snapped up and looked him in the eyes. He waved slightly without even realizing that he had been doing so. "So, my loving adorable Husband," she asked softly, "Have you come to check on your handiwork once again? You know they aren't due for at least another month, and your nervous looks won't make them come even one second sooner."

He blinked, and then ran after Tigress. By now, the squalling had stopped. He looked up to see a sign marked 'NURSERY', and rushed in to see Tigress clutching something to her chest. There was a crib standing just beyond her: A very nice one made of the finest red wood and covered with enough silk to make sure the occupants would have to work hard if they wanted to injure themselves. When she turned and smiled, he could see that she was clutching a baby panda and a baby tiger to her chest, and they were both adorably nursing (rather hungrily). "Just look at sweet Pandora and feisty little Tigressa," she said as her face glowed with pride, "They're growing so fast." She paused to yelp in pain before she continued, "And I think their baby teeth are coming in too."

Then he noticed that there was yet another crib beyond the one Tigress had visited. Just then, another voice began to squall as another voice began to cry loudly. He walked over, looked in, and saw that there was an owl chick and another panda baby?! The owl chick was still covered with baby down, and the panda baby's eye weren't open yet.

"While it's real kind of you to offer," said a voice he recognized as Fenghuang, "But I already ate extra food tonight so I'd have plenty to regurgitate to the babies." He turned to see a slightly bedraggled owl standing there, and she was dressed naught but for her fine feathers. She boldly walked up to him and gave him a little kiss on the lips. Then she walked past and leaned over into the crib. He stepped back when she started heaving, and then spewed. Then she did it again. "What?" she groaned, "Are you still hungry? I'd swear you're going to be too fat to fly, my little fledgling girl. Very well, I ate plenty just to be sure." She seemed to spew her food a little faster this time. He was really glad he couldn't see her doing any of this.

He looked back at Tigress glowing with motherly beauty as the babies nursed in her arms. It seemed like minutes passed as she looking smiling from one baby to the other. She then stepped up and put both babies on his shoulders.

"It's your turn to burp them," she said with a slight yawn, "Come back to bed when were done and see if you can help me with my... personal problems?" She ran her hands over her hips and up her sides as she suggestively smiled at him. Without waiting for a response, she turned and left. He held and patted the babies' back until he could hear belching, and more than once from each shoulder.

Fenghuang, in the meantime walked by as she commented, "You know, that's really gross." He looked at the owl's back as she walked out of the room, and glanced down into the other crib to see that those two babies were already peacefully slumbering. There was a slight mess from the food that didn't make it into their mouths all around them.

Then when he was sure the belching stopped, he put the baby panda and tiger back in their crib, but not before they grabbed one finger from each hand and sucked on them a little while. He winced when the little tigress nipped his finger a little hard, and he sighed, "Baby teeth alright." He picked each baby up again to plant a big sloppy kiss on their forehead accompanied by some raspberry noises, and put the giggling child back down before tucking them in.

But then a voice cried out from the hallway. "Po!" called Scorpion, "I'm stuck again! Please help me, my love!"

He ran out into the hall to see Scorpion just a couple of doors down. Her belly was swollen so large, it almost looked like she had swallowed a rhino villager whole. She was indeed stuck in the doorway.

"THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!" she screamed at him.

...

Shining Eagle soared through the night sky towards home. She normally did not fly at night, but she wanted to make sure her father, Master Eagle, would have time to come back and watch her rematch with her old rival, Fenghuang. There was barely time to tell Po that she was even leaving, so she left a note on his cot. Fenghuang may well be able to remove her slings the very next day.

Looking at the mountain sides as she passed them, she knew she couldn't be far away from the Grand Eagle Aerie where her father's Aerial Kung Fu School resided. Only the best of fliers were allowed to attend that school, and even Shining Eagle had to pass the trials to enter just like everyone else. She knew she had to be close when she started seeing white stone pillows carved into stylized and romantic images of floating clouds.

Then the Arial Kung Fu School came into view. The most striking thing about the place was not the grounds or buildings of white, but all of the white poles sticking out of the ground with perches for at least a dozen fliers each. But the other thing that stuck out most was the fact that Master Eagle was standing on the Field of Honor with his eyes riveted on her as she flew in.

"Where have you been?!" he asked firmly.

"I rescued a panda, a snake and a scorpion from a cave in," she replied.

"THAT took this long?" he asked suspiciously.

"No father," she answered, "Finding out that Fenghuang is at the Jade Palace, learning that Grand Master Oogway had become one with the Universe, and battling Junjie of the Sacred Onyx Council took that long."

He blinked in disbelief. It was obvious since he had never again donned a hood since he permanently retired his Hood of Honor. "You've been very busy. Did you settle your score with Fenghuang?"

"No, she was badly injured. She was in no shape to fight. We agreed to fight when she was better, and she could be ready to fight me tomorrow."

"I see," he mused as he fiddled with one of his long beak whiskers, "and I take it you want me to be there when you fight her again?"

"That would mean more to me than any other gift."

"Very well," he replied, "I was wondering why you flew back here in such a state at night. Get some sleep, my child. I shall be ready to go with you after breakfast."

She nodded as she went off towards her room.

...

Po awoke in a cold sweat. He looked around and sighed in relief that he was still in his old cot at the Student Barracks. He got up and crept over to Master Tigress' room. Peeking in the door, he noticed that she was wearing naught but a loincloth, and that her torso and stomach were both wrapped by Viper. Viper's head was resting just under Tigress' chin. But at least neither of them appeared to be pregnant or in a state of nursing. He realized it was just some REALLY weird dream he had.

"Maybe you are a sicko after all," said Fenghuang from just behind him.

He spun and faced her as he spluttered quietly, "It's not like that. The... it was... I mean... oh, you'd never understand it..."

"Try me and find out," she replied.

"Very well," he sighed, "I woke up and found that Tigress was laying next to me. Her teats were just chock full of milk. I followed her to a nursery, and found she was nursing a baby tiger and a baby panda. Judging by their names, they were both little girls. But that was after I found Viper with a huge swollen uterus, and she asked me if I had come by to check on 'my handiwork'. Then I saw another crib with an owlet and another baby panda in that. You came in and did the whole throwing up in their mouths thing, and then Scorpion called out to me because her belly was swollen so large, she was stuck in the doorway."

"So you wanted to make sure Tigress wasn't nursing and Viper wasn't bloated?"

"Something like that."

"It's understandable that you checked," she said as she rubbed her head on his chest, "but still just a little bit perverted to spy on them without asking." Then she said, "Oh, I should have given you this note I found on your cot hours ago." She backed up and took a small, tightly wrapped scroll from under her wing.

"You took something off my cot?" he asked as he opened the scroll and read it.

"Well you were all kinds of busy at the time," she replied, "So what does it say?"

"Shining Eagle went back home to fetch Master Eagle so he can be present when you're ready to duel."

"My wings should be healed this morning, so I guess that is later today, isn't it?"

Po nodded.

"PO!" shouted Master Monkey from his room, "YOU HAVE TO SEE THIS!"

"I don't care about your latest gimmick..."

"IT'S NOT THAT! JUST COME HERE!"

He could hear Tigress and Viper stir as he and Fenghuang came into Monkey's room. Monkey was standing by the open window, staring out towards the Courtyard. Stepping up to the window, he saw nothing until Monkey grabbed his head and turned it 90 degrees. It was then that he saw a flight of a dozen eagles gliding in towards the Courtyard with Master Eagle and Shining Eagle leading them all. Of all the eagles present, only Master Eagle was not wearing a hood.

He wore robes of pure white while the others (not including Shining Eagle) were wearing robes of jade green trimmed with silver. It was also obvious that everyone but Shining Eagle was wearing their Iron Battle Claws. Po was struck by how glorious they all looked as they were lit up by the rays of the morning sun.

"So that's how it's going to be?" snorted Fenghuang as she turned to flee from the room.

Everyone rushed to dress to greet the visitors save for the leopard Mei Ling and Scorpion. He glanced into Mei Ling's room, and saw she was still sound asleep despite all the racket going on around them. Then he covered his eyes and looked away when he noticed her trousers were still down by several inches. Scorpion was looking her as she slept. He moved along without comment.

...

"DAD," moaned Shining Eagle, "It's just an hour or so after sunrise. Of course there's no one out here to greet us."

"It's still disrespectful to make a Kung Fu Master wait," he replied.

"Well, Master Po is the acting Master of the Jade Palace. He was just raised to the post about a day and a half ago. He hasn't even had a chance to settle into his new room yet."

"Still disrespectful," he chided her.

Po burst out of the Student Barracks in his formal waiter's uniform, straightening it out as he rushed out to greet Master Eagle and Shining Eagle.

Turning to face his daughter, Master Eagle asked, "IS THIS SOME KIND OF SICK JOKE?!"

Shining Eagle asked, "What's wrong, father?"

"WHAT'S WRONG?!" he screeched, "WHAT'S WRONG?! HE INSULTS US BY COMING OUT IN A WAITER'S UNIFORM AND YOU HAVE TO ASK ME WHAT'S WRONG?!"

"Calm yourself, father" said Shining Eagle.

"Forgive me," said Po quickly, "I was made acting Master of the Jade Palace less than two days ago without any ceremony or even notice. It may be a lame excuse, but I haven't even had a chance to order the proper clothing for my job yet. If you're upset at anyone, just be angry with me."

"How... irregular... I must say," said Master Eagle in a slow and measured voice.

"I know," added Po, "I'm not even fully finished with my Dragon Warrior Training yet."

"Dragon Warrior, you say? Well, I must say you're soaring to new heights now, aren't you? I guess you must be pretty proud of what you've done."

"DAD," moaned Shining Eagle, "He's far too modest to just brag, boast and carry on about his own achievements. The Dragon Warrior came from modest means, not some might Kung Fu Academy."

"Really?" asked Master Eagle, "How interesting."

"SO YOU BROUGHT HELP TO BRING ME DOWN, HAVE YOU?!" screeched Fenghuang from the Student Barracks doorway. She was dressed in naught but an open jacket, bandages, slings for both wings, a loincloth, and iron battle claws that Po could have sworn he had never seen before.

"FENGHUANG?!" screeched Master Eagle back, "HOW DARE YOU COME OUT IN SUCH A STATE OF UNDRESS! THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!"

"DOES IT EVEN MATTER HOW I'M DRESSED IF YOU AND YOUR BULLY BOYS ARE JUST GOING TO TEAR ME TO PIECES?!"

"SHAMEFUL LITTLE VULTURE!"

"BOASTFUL BIG PIGEON!"

"STOP IT!" screeched Shining Eagle, "JUST STOP IT! NOONE IS GOING TO TEAR ANYONE TO PIECES! THEY'RE JUST HEAR TO WATCH OUT DUEL, FENGHUANG! NOTHING MORE!" Everyone just stopped and stared at the volume, the intensity of Shining Eagle's outburst.

"Oh," said Fenghuang at last, "Very sorry."

"As am I," answered Master Eagle. He turned to the other Eagles as he said, "Everyone return your iron claws to your belts at once. It was wrong of us to fly in here displaying weapons like that."

The other eagles nodded as they removed their iron claws and put them back onto their sashes.

"That's better," huffed Shining Eagle.

Fenghuand turned and stalked back into the Student Barracks without another word.

"Well, a rough beginning," said Po, "but I'm sure things can only look up from here, right?"

"OH, IT SURE CAN GET WORSE!" hollered Monkey as he grabbed Po's head and turned it again. Gliding in from the other side of the Courtyard was a dozen Owl Warriors. They were also coming in with their Iron Battle Claws out on their feet and ready for action.

"What do you want here?!" screeched Master Eagle.

"Calm yourselves," said the lead Owl, "We're only here to arrest the renegade Fenghuang. A source tipped us off that she was hiding at the Jade Palace until she could flee for cover again just because Grand Master Oogway was one with the Universe." Po wondered what kind of issues there might be between the Eagles and the Owls, or who might have ratted out Fenghuang to the Owls.

"And she was pardoned by Grand Master Oogway of all crimes before he left," said Po smoothly, as he darn well knew that was well within the rights and powers of a Grand Master to do so.

"Do you have a signed statement to that effect?"

"No, but I have a dozen or more witnesses who are willing to swear upon pain of death that what I just said was completely true."

"Including me," said Tigress as she stepped forward and bowed.

"And me," said Viper as she slithered forward and bowed. The situation was repeated as Master Crane, Master Mantis, and Master Monkey all stepped up to vouch for Fenghuang.

Just then, Fenghuang screeched from in the Hall somewhere, "Po, darling! Help me get dressed!"

"A thousand pardons," he said as he turned and ran back calling, "Of course, I'll be right there!"

"This just gets weirder and weirder," muttered Master Eagle.