Po, the Harem Master
Part 23: Po and the Courtship of Eagle's Father
by Neoraichu
Po X Various. The story returns to the beginning of the Kung Fu Panda Movies and Legends of Awesomeness, and asked the question, "what if this was written like a Harem Anime?"
WARNING: This is a strange tale, so READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.
…
Po awoke the next morning. It was moving day for the acting Master of the Jade Palace. Out of respect for Master Shifu, he would do the moving himself. That way, he was sure that all of Shifu's personal effects would get the utmost respect when they were packed into storage. In case Shifu returns balanced, and wishes to be restored as the proper Master of the Jade Palace. He somehow managed to actually be up just as the glow of the sunrise that came before the actual sunrise began to light up the horizon.
He glanced under the bed to note that Scorpion was under the cot, and tiptoed out as to not awaken her. She did look very peaceful when she was sleeping. Po was never bothered by her appearances, as he knew what she was really like underneath her carapace.
Stalking into the kitchen, he began fixing sticky buns when he heard someone say behind him, "My, aren't you up early this morning?" He looked around to see Fenghuang standing in a corner he could have sworn was empty just a second earlier.
"I guess," said Po, "I'm just worried about what's going to happen to Shifu's personal effects once I move into his room."
"Why should that bother you?" she asked, "He's been nothing but a jerk to you. Never believed that you have been worthy of the title Dragon Warrior. He's not even respected you."
"Who told you that?"
"Oh, no one directly. But I have pieced it together from snippets of various conversations I've had with the Furious Five, the townsfolk, and the staff of the Jade Palace."
"He has a strong sense of the traditional ways."
"If by that, you mean 'stuffed shirt' and 'stick in the mud', then I agree. Personally, I hope he never comes back as the Master of the Jade Palace. I know the Dragon Warrior is the real deal. He shall run the Jade Palace with heart and conviction."
"You are talking about me, right?"
"Of course I am, you silly goose."
"Silly goose?"
"An old owl saying," she replied quickly, "I don't mean anything by it."
"Oh,.. okay," said Po, "but you are judging Shifu a bit harshly. He's basically a good person. That's what Oogway certainly believed. You shouldn't judge someone based on a narrow set of the current circumstances."
"I suppose I shouldn't be so quick to judge, considering..." She looked down as her voice trailed off.
Po nodded.
"I guess that's why I fell in love with you so completely," she cooed as she bat her eyes at him, "and that's why my cot is open to you any time you want to join me."
He stiffened just enough to tell her that she got the reaction she wanted, even though he was trying his hardest to suppress that reaction.
"You know, with all of us wives," she mused openly, "I just might have to get used to having three-ways with you, darling." She paused to gauge his reaction. "Maybe even an orgy or two." With her hearing, she could almost hear his brain exploding. He stood stock still until she began to wonder if the poor thing had fainted standing up. "Darling?!"
Po shook as he coughed to clear his throat, turned about, and asked "Yes dear?"
"Just checking on how those buns you're making are doing."
"Oh," he mused, "They're almost ready."
"I hope you made enough for two," she cooed.
"Ah... ah... of course I did."
"So thoughtful. So considerate."
"I try."
"Oh, you do a whole lot more than try."
He brought the bowl of buns over to the table with two pairs of chopsticks.
"By the way, what do you plan to do about Master Eagle?"
"Do?" he asked as he sat down at the table across from the owl.
"Well you obviously noticed the way he clings to Shining Eagle. The poor dear eagle is being all but smothered to death by him. He really needs to get out. Maybe if he started dating again, he might be more willing to give his daughter her own space."
"Oh, of course," he lied, "I just didn't think it was my place to interfere."
"But she's a student at the Jade Palace now. As her master, it is your place to interfere. It is your place to look after your student's lives, because it inevitably affects their ability to study Kung Fu."
"Oh, I see. But what should I do?"
"Well I'm sure you've brilliantly deduced that YOU should set Master Eagle up on a date, but you also know that it can't be blatantly obvious about it, or he might just resent your helpfulness. Since he's going to be in the Village for a while, it wouldn't be hard for him to 'just bump into a prospective date', shall we say?"
"I don't know anyone who's available to date him."
"Oh, you surely must know some single maiden somewhere in the whole Village?" she asked, "I would find someone if I hadn't been gone from the Village for so many years, I've lost track of who is living there now."
"Well perhaps after I move in to Shifu's room..."
"I'll help you!" she offered helpfully, "That way, you can start working on Shining Eagle's problems as soon as possible!"
"Well, that's real nice of you," as he offered her a sticky bun from his own chopsticks out of habit. She gladly allowed herself to be hand fed by him.
As if on cue, Tigress walked in. But this time, she had Viper coiled about her neck and shoulders. It was something that was lost on Po, but not to the observant Fenghuang.
"I see Po is up early," noted Tigress, "A special occasion?"
"No," replied Fenghuang, "We're just going to move into Master Shifu's room this morning."
"We?" asked Tigress suspiciously.
The owl coughed, and then said, "I mean Po. Just Po. I'm just helping him pack up Shifu's personal effects. Really."
"Well I'm sure as part of Po's Dragon Warrior Training, we can't just let him do it without the proper supervision and assistance, now can we?" asked Tigress slyly.
"Of course," added Viper.
Just the reaction the owl was hoping for. "Of course," she said smoothly, "As future wives, we should do everything we can to help each other. Who knows. He may well demand that more than one of us come to his bed to entertain him and keep him warm at night."
Po and Tigress blushed.
Viper's smile told the owl that she knew exactly what the owl was playing at. "Oh yes," she added almost directly into Tigress' ear, "He might even demand we amuse each other while he watches us... just to get him in the proper mood."
Now Po and Tigress really blushed. Their eyes were so large, they might have popped right out of their heads if they weren't attached. Viper slithered onto the table between Po and Tigress. She could sense that the owl was about to deliver the figurative coup de grâce.
"Yes," she cooed, "I'm sure the interaction of women of different species would be so... so... interesting to watch."
Po fainted into the sticky buns. Tigress fell over backwards as she passed out.
"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" asked Viper.
"If you mean they should both wake up in Po's cot together," said Fenghuang suggestively, "Then yes we are."
They smiled so broadly.
"I guess moving day will have to wait just a little longer," said Viper.
The owl nodded sagely.
...
Tigress came to on top of something soft and oddly lumpy. She opened her eyes to find that she was laying on top of Po in naught but her loincloth. He was snoring as he head was tilted back, mouth agape. She blushed badly as she realized the position she was in. Even though she could feel his trousers under her, her imagination ran wild.
"PERVERT!" she shrieked as she slapped him as hard as she could. That woke him up fast.
Viper and Fenghuang just happened to rush into the room, and then Scorpion came in scant seconds later. Tigress leaped backwards off his stomach as he rubbed his chin.
"My goodness!" called Fenghuang, "What's going on here?!"
"Isn't it obvious?!" replied Tigress as she landed on her feet cat-like.
"When you fainted at the table," she said, "and he offered to take you back to bed, I had no idea he was talking about his own cot!"
"Me neither!" added Viper. She slithered up Tigress' leg and torso until she was coiled about her neck and shoulders again.
Fenghuang moved to Po's side to check his jaw and chin, as did Scorpion. As soon as Po said, "But..." Fenghuang hushed him with her wing.
"Hush," she cooed, "We can't take the chance that you have a broken jaw or loose teeth, darling."
"Let's get your clothes," said Viper as she looked at them piled in the corner, "and get you back to your proper room. Then we can get a nice hot bath the way you like it... to help you..." Her voice trailed off into nothing.
"Yes," agreed Tigress as she turned and stalked out of Po's room, "He doesn't need my help to move."
She heard Scorpion say as she moved quickly towards her own room, "It doesn't look broken to me."
...
Shining Eagle awoke to a terrible racket. She could almost swore someone screamed 'PERVERT!' Someone that sounded a lot like Tigress. She leaped from her cot into the hallway dressed in naught but her fine feathers. Tigress was stalking by in her loincloth with her clothes in her hands, and Viper coiled about her shoulders and neck.
"Are we under attack?!" she asked.
"Only my honor," snarled Tigress.
"I'm sure it's all just a big misunderstanding," said Viper.
"Oh, the only thing I misunderstood is what Po really thinks about me!"
"Focus, breath deeply, and think calmly," said Viper, "I'll do everything I can to help."
"I don't know what I'd do without you," said Tigress softly as she stepped into her room. Shining Eagle winced as she heard the door slide shut behind her with great force.
The Po stepped into the hallway as he asked, "Tigress?"
"Just let her calm down and blow off some steam," said Fenghuang as she followed, "You know what she gets like when she's in a mood. Besides, Shining Eagle is up now, and you know what you wanted to discuss with her, right?"
"Discuss with me?" asked the eagle.
"Oh yes, you," said the owl, "Why don't we go to my room where we can have a little more privacy."
"Your room?" she asked curiously.
"Yes," she replied calmly, "It's padded to keep the light levels down, and incidentally helps keep the sounds out... or in... as well."
"What so important that we need..."
"Come to my room and I promise all shall be explained. Well, after you dress yourself anyways."
Shining Eagle suddenly blushed as she stepped back into her room. "5 minutes!" she called as she shut the door behind her. She rushed to dress as she wondered what could possibly be some important that Po and Fenghuang wanted to talk to her about. Once she was dressed, she moved to Fenghuang's room and knocked.
"Enter," said Fenghuang.
She came in to see Po and Fenghuang sitting next to each other on her cot. Once she closed the door behind her, she realized that the room was quite isolated from outside light. In fact, the only light came from a few candles lit on the table in the corner of the room.
"Well, Po couldn't help but notice how your father is just smothering you," said the owl smoothly, "If you want a life of your own, then you need to get a new interest for your father. Since it can't be Kung Fu, then he needs to get a... romantic interest. If he has someone to love, then he'll treat you more... normally. You know you have to leave the nest sometime, and if he isn't your Master anymore, then you can stay here at the Jade Palace and learn from the Dragon Warrior himself."
"So this is about getting a date for my father?"
"I suppose that might be a tad over simplifying the whole matter, but yes... we need to get your father to date again."
"Why does this matter to any of you?"
"I asked him that myself," she replied smoothly, "He just cares about everyone too much. Even the happiness of people he hardly knows matters to him greatly. Who knows what half-baked plan he would have come up with if I wasn't here to advise him on matters of the heart."
"I see," said the eagle evenly.
"I heard how he let thugs get away with Grand Master Yao because he wouldn't let you die. He risked his own life to save me too. Let's not forget Viper either. If that isn't caring, I have no idea what is."
"I see," mused the Eagle.
"And as his future co-wife and concubine," cooed the owl, "I just cannot let him stumble around in the dark without my guidance."
"Future co-wife?"
"Oh yes. It looks like Tigress, Viper, Scorpion and me are all going to marry Po."
"I don't know," replied Shining Eagle, "Tigress seemed really really mad."
"I'm sure she'll forgive Po as soon as she cools off. But back to your problems. Let's hear who Po thinks would be a good candidate to date your father."
"Ha-durr..." he spluttered incoherently.
"Not sure I know her..."
"Father spent his whole life around avians," began Shining Eagle, "except when he was battling against the Hyenas."
"Not a lot of those around this Village," replied Fenghuang, "but I'm sure that Po must know a few."
...
Master Eagle opened the door to whoever was knocking.
"Daughter!" he chirped happily, "What brings you here?"
"I just stopped by to see how you're settling in here," she replied softly.
"Oh, I'm settling in well enough."
"Well I just happen to know the owner of the best Noodle Shop in town," she continued, "I just have to take you there for lunch. I'm sure you love the food as much as I do."
"You do?"
"Of course," she replied, "His son just happens to be the Dragon Warrior."
"Ah," he said as it suddenly seemed to dawn on him.
"We want to beat the rush. I don't want to make a scene by insisting he takes our order first. That just wouldn't be... honorable... to exploit our status like that."
"Of course," he said with sudden pride, "I'll be ready to go in just a moment. Would you like to come in a moment?"
"Oh, I'm good father."
He nodded as he stepped back.
...
The two of them stepped up to the entrance to Mister Ping's Noodle Shop. It looked like all of the tables were already taken. Much to his surprise, Po approached them after dropping off several orders of noodles along the way. He was wearing a serving apron, the pockets stuffed with chopsticks.
"Dragon Warrior?" asked Master Eagle.
"I know," interrupted Po, "Just until I officially become Master of the Jade Palace." He leaned closer and said quietly, "My Dad is just too cheap to hire someone until he absolutely must." Righting himself, he added, "So how can I help you today?"
"PO!" called Mister Ping, "I have six noodle orders for table six!"
"Dad!" he replied, "I'm taking orders from some VIPs over here! I'll take care of that in just a minute!"
"Just remember to take care of every customer!" he scolded Po.
"Of course, dad!" He stepped in and looked around. Then he walked over to a table with just one goose sitting at it. "Excuse me, Miss Pinyin?"
"Yes Po?" she asked.
"Would you mind sharing your table with Master Eagle and his daughter, Shining Eagle. They're visiting Kung Fu Masters."
"Oh, of course," she replied, "You know I just love to talk about Kung Fu."
Po waved the two eagles over to her table. He raced off to get more orders while they seated themselves at her table.
"So you like Kung Fu?" asked Shining Eagle.
"OH, I just love Kung Fu and everyone who practices it!" she gushed, "Tell me all about it." The last part was aimed at Shining Eagle as she leaned closer to her.
"My father here used to run a very prestigious Aerial Kung Fu Acadamy. But he retired since he's a single parent now and cares so much about my well being."
...
When Po got back to their table, Shining Eagle was there all by herself.
"How did it go?"
"Great," she replied, "If I were trying to get a date."
"What? They didn't hit if off?"
"No, she completely ignored Father. He went back to the inn as soon as he was done. She talked endlessly about Kung Fu with me for at least an hour. Then she left when she realized she had another date... with a girl! After hitting on me!"
Po blinked. "I'm so sorry," he said at last, "I didn't know..."
"Sorry for... this shameful outburst."
"Don't worry," he replied, "I'm sure hardly anyone noticed. I promise I'll look into the next candidate a lot more carefully."
"You shouldn't bother."
"Oh, I'm sure Fenghuang won't let me off the hook that easily. I know her a little to well to expect anything different."
"I'm still just a burden to you, aren't I?" she sniffed.
"No!" said Po firmly as he hugged Shining Eagle, "Don't talk like that! I love to help my friends! I would do anything to help you! You'll never be a burden to me!"
"Thank you," she choked, "You're just so... incredible!"
'Darn it!' thought Fenghuang as she spied on them from over the Noodle Shop roof, 'This scheme just might well totally backfire! Did I just make a huge strategic blunder?'
