Po, the Harem Master
Part 24: A House Divided
by Neoraichu
Po X Various. The story returns to the beginning of the Kung Fu Panda Movies and Legends of Awesomeness, and asked the question, "what if this was written like a Harem Anime?"
WARNING: This is a strange tale, so READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.
…
That evening, the owl warriors bid their farewells to fly back home in the comfort of the night sky. They only ask to be appraised about how the duel between Shining Eagle and Fenghuang turned out, regardless of who the winner turned out to be. Po agreed and promised the message as soon as he could send it to the leader of the owls.
...
If she could could get any hotter under the collar, Tigress could have boiled the bathwater she was soaking in. Viper had never seen her so upset. Tigress was so distracted that she wasn't even paying attention to where Viper was scrubbing her with the sponge, above or below the surface of the water. The rose oil and flower petals did nothing to lift her spirits. She had not spoken for quite some time, and that was really beginning to worry Viper.
"I can't live here any more," said Tigress at last.
"What?!" asked Viper in disbelief.
"I said that 'I can't live here any more'. Not with Po as the Master of the Jade Palace."
"Aren't you overreacting just a bit?"
"No, I don't think so."
"THEN I'M LEAVING WITH YOU!"
"You... would give up the Jade Palace? The Furious Five? The life of Kung Fu? Just for me?"
"I LOVE YOU! I'LL SACRIFICE ANYTHING FOR YOU!"
"Don't you love the Dragon Warrior too?"
"I've known you longer! I've loved you longer! That's all that matters to me! You're worth more to me than my own life!"
Tigress dragged Viper into a hug, and she responded by wrapping herself about Tigress' torso and her abdomen. The snake rested her head on the tiger's shoulder.
"But we don't have to give up all Kung Fu. Just the ones we practiced here," sobbed Viper.
"What are you getting at?" asked Tigress with tears in her eyes.
"We can found OUR OWN KUNG FU ACADEMY, Tigress! We'll teach OUR OWN Styles!"
"You really think we can?"
"With all my heart and soul, I do!"
"All right, my love!" sobbed Tigress, "We build our Academy far far away from here! Far away from HIM! Far away from my pain!"
"I swear I'll be with you every step of the way!"
"I... couldn't... ask... for... a... truer... love... than..." By then, she couldn't go on one more word. She was just crying too hard. So was Viper. They wept on each other even as they supported each other. Several minutes passed as they sobbed and cried, but it slowly was worked out of their systems.
"I... only... ask... one... favor..." said Viper.
"What... is... it?"
She stopped to gather her thoughts, her breath, and her Chi. Tigress did the same.
"Promise me we won't leave without saying goodbye to Crane, Mantis and Monkey."
"I could never do that," said Tigress very softly, "At least I owe them that much."
Viper gave Tigress a full, heartfelt kiss to her lips. They shared it for several minutes.
...
Po and Fenghuang had gotten around to packing Shifu's personal effects in preparation for his move into the bedroom. The owl had her own ideas how she could improve things for herself and Po's future wives. She spoke at length about adding a new building just to house his wives and raise his children. It wouldn't be as splendid as the Hall of Warriors (which took literally hundreds of years of upgrades, tweaks, and redesigns), but certainly a step above the Student Barracks.
She spoke of her vision of the Master's Bedroom is shades of blue, complimented by gray and purple, and accented with red and gold. Her words were so descriptive, he could actually see the finished room in his mind's eye. She spoke of magnificent silk robes and dresses of the same colors for him, and at the very least, her.
But the scenario was interrupted as Po was digging out the various trinkets Shifu had left behind, like his Master Yao meditation box complete with Master Yao and 4 carriers, his old, worn out and no longer used clothes, his various Chinese Checkers sets he had been gifted with over the years, and... the Dragon Chalice?! He couldn't believe that the foxy fox thief Mei Ling would actually hide one of Master Shifu's most prized treasures in his own closet.
"Look," he said to Fenghuang, "Mei Ling left her treasure in Shifu's closet. I wonder when she's going to come and get her Chalice?"
"Her Chalice?" asked Fenghuang suspiciously.
"Well yeah," he replied, "He promised it to her years ago before she left on a trip to the capital, and he forgot all about her while she was gone."
"And you believed her?"
"Sure," he replied, "Why not?"
She sighed and answered, "I guess it doesn't matter anymore. It clashes with the room we're designing anyways. Just pack it by itself so it won't get lost in Shifu's other things."
"Good idea."
"I've been known to have a few."
"Oh, you have a whole lot of good ideas," he replied cheerfully.
She leaned close to him as she cooed, "Flatterer. Maybe we should give the bed a stress test for two people. We might have to replace it, you know. Shifu is so small, I don't even know if the bed even knew he was there most of the time."
"Heh-heh," he said awkwardly, "Maybe that can wait until after the wedding?"
"But Po, I want to give you an heir to the Jade Palace. It's good fortune if the heir is conceived before the marriage ceremony. I'm sure that a stuffed shirt like Shifu would never have an an heir, legitimate or otherwise. I want to show you just how much I love you." She tried to push Po back towards the bed, but he let his bulk do the resisting for him.
"If we're aren't married by the time I'm sworn in as the Master of the Jade Palace, then we can... *gulp* do the stress test on the bed."
"I'm going to hold you to your word, darling."
*gulp* "I wouldn't expect any less, my dear."
Fenghuang smiled as she stared into his eyes. She leaned in and caught him by surprise with her heartfelt beak to lips kiss. Closing her eyes, she realized that she had never been happier in her life as she was in that one moment.
...
Tigress called the Furious Five together to make her announcement. She made sure that the word did not get out to anyone who wasn't a member of the Furious Five. But she also didn't tell the guys what she had called them together to say.
"I want you all to know that I couldn't be more proud of what we've done as the Furious Five," she began calmly, "Every one of you is a valued member of this team. You're dedication to the Jade Palace, the Valley of Peace, and Kung Fu itself are beyond question."
"Thank you, Master Tigress," said Monkey.
"I'm glad you feel that way," said Crane.
"Having said all that," she continued, "I have to say that Viper and I are leaving the Five. We are leaving the Jade Palace. We are leaving the Valley of Peace. Most likely, we are leaving forever. You will have to find suitable replacements for us."
"WHAT?!" asked the three men as one.
"I cannot bear to be here any more. It would be too painful to even try. I can't ask any of you to come with me."
"Do you hate Po that much?" asked Mantis.
She tried to answer, but no words would come out of her mouth.
"What about you, Viper? Why are you leaving?"
"Because I love Tigress, and if she goes to the gates of hell, then I'll go there right at her side."
Tigress stepped forward, and put her hand on Monkey's shoulder. "Monkey," she said, "I trust you to lead the Furious Five and any replacements you get for Viper and I."
Monkey put his fist into his hand and bowed to Tigress as he said, "I am honored by your choice. The Furious Five will always serve to protect the Valley of Peace. I will miss you both dearly, but I shall carry on in your legacy."
"I can not ask any more from you," she replied as she repeated the gesture back to Monkey, "As my final request, I want you to wait one day before telling the Dragon Warrior that we left. If he asks you directly, don't lie to him, but don't volunteer the information either."
"Of course I can do that much."
"We're leaving right after dinner. Viper and I will eat in my room so Po won't realize we're packing our bags. Tell him I don't want to talk to him until he's willing to admit it's ALL his fault. That should keep him from bothering me until we're long gone."
Monkey nodded.
...
Po was depressed as he looked at the places Tigress and Viper would have sat in at the dinner table. He even set out two bowls of noodles for them, just in case they should change their minds. They sat there undisturbed until they were quite cold.
"I'm sure things will look up in the morning," said Monkey as he patted Po on the back, "but you're a total wreck. Just go to your new bed and sleep. I'll take care of the dishes."
"I'm sure I can..." began Fenghuang.
"No!" said Monkey firmly as he looked at her, "He needs time alone."
"But Viper is with Tigress..."
"That's different. They've lived and fought together for years and years. They're practically sisters to each other. I really think she can make Tigress calm down and see reason." He really wished that he could believe his own words. But Po and Fenghuang seemed to believe him.
"But I can..."
"All I'm asking is to let Po have one night alone to meditate, and perhaps he can find a way to assuage Tigress' upset disposition."
"Very well," she sighed, "but I will be lonely tonight. I wish I could be less selfish about you." The later part was said as she looked into Po's eyes.
"Monkey is right about this," he answered, "I'm glad I have his wise council in this matter."
She nodded in defeat. Po would spend the night alone in the Master's bed, while Fenghuang would spend the night alone in her cot. This wasn't unusual, except for that one night. He rushed out to the Student Barracks to see if Tigress had calmed down in the morning. But Tigress and Viper were not at the table with the others. He felt crestfallen as he made noodles and broth for the rest of them.
"I guess Tigress is still upset," said Monkey honestly, "Well, I wouldn't even try to see her before dinner tonight."
Po nodded.
...
Tigress and Viper left just before sunrise. They packed enough rations and water to last them for about the first week. It was hoped by them, they would have established themselves somewhere else. A place where they could make their own way, their own new life together.
She was sure that no one saw them leaving, least of all the Dragon Warrior. As the sunlight lit the place up, she sighed as she watched, figuring it would most likely the last time she would ever see the place. She turned and trudged into the forest as Viper slithered along behind and off to her right.
The two said nothing for the first two hours of their trek. It seemed that the bamboo forest itself was keeping quiet just for them. They headed somewhat north towards a mountain pass where they could avoid things like the territory of Temutai and the Qidan Clan.
But when Viper became so quiet, Tigress couldn't even hear hear slithering across the open ground any more, she turned and came face to face with Tai Lung. He was holding a limp and unconscious Viper by the neck in his right hand balled into a fist around it. The rest of her body was looped a few times around his forearm and bicep.
"Hello bait," he said as he jabbed his finger into her chest almost too fast for her eyes to follow several times. The net effect of his pressure point strikes was to leave her totally paralyzed. She couldn't even close her eyes as she fell onto her back. Reaching down, he took a second to close her eyes. No point in having them burned out from the sun or being dried out. She had to be able to see what to was come later on, he thought darkly.
First he laid Viper down, and tied her body into a complex knot he was sure she couldn't wiggle out of even if she was fully awake and aware. It only took a strategically tied piece of red silk ribbon to make sure the body knot was inescapable. The last bit of ribbon was used to tightly bind Viper's nose and snout. Her mouth was sealed shut, but not her nose holes. The ribbon made her look gift wrapped, and then he just dropped her into a sack he tied to his sash.
He wrapped the paralyzed tiger with long ropes, then in a blanket he secured with more ropes, and then hefted her Tigress like she a log and tossed her over his shoulder. It wasn't to make sure she wouldn't escape, but just to make sure that if anyone saw him from a distance, they wouldn't think anything strange was going on.
"Master Shifu will be most pleased," he snarled as he set off to where they were temporarily camped. A camp they changed every night to elude the pursuit which so far had not materialized.
They couldn't tell how long or far Tai Lung carried them before they heard a voice say in the distance, "Where have you been? Breakfast is now cold. We have to pack up and go right away." It was the displeased voice of Master Shifu.
"Oh, not before I bestow these gifts upon you," he replied.
"Gifts?!" he asked, "What ever are you talking about?!"
He dropped his burdens to the ground. Tigress and Viper couldn't object or complain even if they were inclined to do so.
"Go ahead and look," he said, "It won't take long."
He started with the wrapped log-like present.
"MASTER TIGRESS?!" he asked in dismay. But Tai Lung took his dismay for excitement.
He opened the sack.
"MASTER VIPER?!"
Tigress was obviously paralyzed, but Viper was helplessly squirming once she was on the ground. He immediately began reversing the paralysis that Tai Lung inflicted upon Tigress.
"Master?"
"Haven't you learned ANYTHING from me?!" he asked with irritation, "You can't just leave someone paralyzed for days, or even hours. The complications of paralysis could well kill them."
"She wasn't paralyzed all that long, Master," he said apologetically, "but she's crafty and I wanted to make sure she couldn't get away."
"Then I shall overlook this transgression just this once. Try not to let it happen again," he said as Tigress seemed to come to and start moving against her bonds, "Why did you even bother to take them as captives like this?" Her eyes snapped open as she stared into Shifu's eyes. Just as she was about to speak, Tai Lung stuffed a rag in her mouth and tied it off behind her head. Now her voice was stilled as much as she was rendered immobile.
"So the Dragon Warrior will be forced to fight me on our terms, at the time of out determination, and the place of our choosing."
"I see," he said, "but remember this, they are prisoners of war against the false Dragon Warrior. There will be no dishonorable actions taken against either of them. We will make every effort to make sure that they are well taken care of until the false Dragon Warrior is defeated. Do I make myself clear?!"
"Crystal clear, my Master."
Viper then remembered the last warning that Grand Master Oogway had given her in her near infinite wisdom and insight, 'Just don't try to play one love against another, because it never works out in the end'. Because of her selfishness, she and Tigress both would pay the price for her crimes against both Tigress' heart, and Po's innocence. She began crying her heart out, although neither Shifu nor Tai Lung paid her any mind. With her betrayal of their trust, she feared that neither of them would ever love her again. She wasn't even sure if Tigress suspected what was really tormenting her soul. At that moment, she just wanted to die.
...
Monkey approached Po and said to him privately (not that Fenghuang would miss the chance to listen in on them) and said, "I managed to speak to Tigress for a moment. She refuses to even speak to you until you're willing to admit it's ALL your fault."
"Then I'll go and admit it was ALL MY FAULT RIGHT NOW."
"It's still too early," he replied, "Viper needs more time to calm her down."
"Are you absolutely positive?"
"That's right."
Fenghuang spent most of the day trying to comfort Po, but she just couldn't seem to drag him out from his pit of despair. She was desperate enough to enlist the aid of Shining Eagle and Scorpion towards the end of the day. But he really hit bottom at dinner when Monkey came in and finally said, "Tigress and Viper aren't in their rooms. I don't know where they are. They aren't anywhere on the Jade Palace grounds."
Po stopped dead in his tracks, as if his life and his heart just stopped. Shining Eagle stepped up and wing-slapped Po hard with each wing, one after another, into both sides of his face.
"STOP IT!" cried Scorpion as she whipped out a vial of green poison, "STOP RIGHT NOW OR I SWEAR I'LL!.."
"Do nothing," said Po firmly.
"WHAT?!" she cried in distress bordering on panic.
"I deserved that," he said softly, "I had that coming."
"Slapping the face brings one's mind to focus," said Shining Eagle.
"She's right," he added, "and I really needed to focus on my duties of the Jade Palace."
"WHAT ABOUT TIGRESS AND VIPER?!" screamed Scorpion.
"I can't abandon my duties to go after them."
"THEY MIGHT BE IN TROUBLE!"
"Are you saying that two Kung Fu Masters can't take care of themselves?" asked Monkey, "I'm sure that Tigress would be deeply insulted by that implication."
"THEY AREN'T INVINCIBLE PILLARS OF IRON, YOU KNOW!"
Po picked up Scorpion and hugged her to his breast as he sighed, "I know you really care about both of them, but there's no point in worrying yourself sick about it. Some way or another, I'll find someone who can track down Tigress and Viper, and tell them how wrong I was. Maybe by then, they'll be ready to come back to the Jade Palace even if neither of them wants to speak to me ever again. I just wouldn't mind as long as I knew they were safe."
Fenghuang felt sick at heart.
