Po, the Harem Master

Part 25: Reunions and Revelations

by Neoraichu

Po X Various. The story returns to the beginning of the Kung Fu Panda Movies and Legends of Awesomeness, and asked the question, "what if this was written like a Harem Anime?"

WARNING: This is a strange tale, so READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

The foxy thief Mei Ling knew that once she robbed the Relic Vault of the Jade Palace, she had to just vanish for a long time. There was almost no where in the Valley of Peace where she could hide from the Furious Five and the Dragon Warrior. She figured a trip to the north until the verge of winter would be long enough for the heat to cool off. Once her new treasures were hidden, she could use the threat of selling them on the Black Market to force Master Shifu to at least acknowledge her again.

Once she was miles away from the Jade Palace, she found a private little spot in a group of bamboo trees. She opened her bag of stolen goods to make sure she had stolen everything she wanted. It seemed prudent to leave the Dragon Chalice behind because it was better hidden in the clutter of Shifu's closet. She didn't take many things, because she knew she had to travel fast and light once she was out of the Village.

The first was the Claws of the Dragon. There was two of them, each was three rings forged as one line of rings, and from these came the four 'claws'. They were made from pure silver with an iron core, and it was said that they could shred ghosts as well as Chi effects like the Thundering Wind Hammer and the Golden Lotus Clap. Another use was it made it easier to climb any surface that the claws could scratch. Something very useful to a thief.

The second was the Jade Fan of the Four Wind Gods. It was a truly beautiful fan made from the finest of jade, and in spite of its apparently fragile structure, was said to be all but indestructible. A breeze could be whipped up with a gesture, a gale with but a few more, and a hurricane of rage if waved for but a moment longer.

The third was the Cloak of Shadows. A black silk cloak which supposedly had the power to make its wearer disappear into the least little shadow, and appear again from a distant shadow. The cloak was so powerful, it could be used to cover the user and create its own shadow. It was said that the soul of a trapped demon from the pits of the blackest hell made the fearsome cloak work, and one's soul would become corrupt with darkness if the cloak is worn long enough.

Then there was the Rope of the Cobra. A one hundred foot long white silk rope with the amazing ability to move as if it were alive. It had the ability to knot itself, and untie itself, as commanded by the rope's owner. An ideal tool for kidnappers and assassins, as it easily immobilized the unaware and could strangle the life from the unprepared. In the hands of someone clever, its uses were almost without any limits.

From the safe itself, she had taken the Zhou Deng Soul Gem. A dangerous glowing stone that allowed one to switch their mind and soul with another, even if they were not consenting to the switch. A change that could only be undone by the gem itself (or another of its kind). Difficult to master, but it had massive potential in the right hands. Unfortunately, the switch left the person without access to the memories of the victim, which limited its ability to impersonate the person in the presence of those who knew the victim well.

But as she tied the bag's string once more, it just vanished from her hand. It would take someone with incredible speed to steal from a thief like her. They would suffer her displeasure for sure.

"Well," said a familiar voice, "I should thank you for bringing me some of my... personal effects... from the Jade Palace for me."

She turned to see a very large leopard handing her bag of stolen goods to... Master Shifu?! It was he who had spoken to her with such familiarity.

"I'm surprised you even remember me," she said with a trace of bitterness in her voice.

"How could I ever forget you?" he replied, "I was in love with you even though every shred of honor I had told me it was a very bad idea."

"I could have made you rich beyond your wildest dreams!" she said, "We could have been the best thieves in all of the land if we just pooled our skills and resources!"

"And that's what you could never understand about me," he replied, "I could never become a criminal. Grand Master Oogway taught me much better than that. The only thing I live for is the purity and honor of Kung Fu. I cannot live for material wealth if that means a life without honor."

"So what are you planning to do with me now?"

He glanced at Tai Lung as if reading his mind, and said, "No, we can't just kill her out of hand."

She glanced at Tai Lung as said, "Who's the hired thug?"

Tai Lung snarled at her in a completely feral sort of way.

"I hope he's at least potty trained."

Shifu cleared his throat, and said, "This is my student, Tai Lung. He was away in prison when we were together last time."

"What for?"

"Mass homicide, destruction of private property, and jaywalking."

"Sounds like my kinda guy."

"Well this guy is mine," he replied, "His loyalty is mine. The rampage he was sent away for was all about a misunderstanding about the role of the Dragon Warrior we had with Grand Master Oogway."

When she turned to flee, she saw that Tai Lung had appeared to block her way. With speed she had never seen before, he attacked the pressure points of her arms and legs with one finger. He knees gave out as she fell, and then collapsed onto her back.

"Ah, you avoided paralyzing the vital organs this time," said Shifu, "You can leave her like this as long as you want and not worry about the deadly complications."

He bowed to his Master.

"How dare you do this to me!" snarled Mei Ling.

"Master," asked Tai Lung, "May I?"

Shifu nodded. He stopped her protests with a rag in her mouth tied behind her head.

"Take her and store her with the other prisoners," said Shifu evenly, "I'm sure these treasures from the Vault so thoughtfully delivered by Mei Ling will be enough to completely destroy the false Dragon Warrior. Soon, you will be the rightful one to read the Dragon Scroll."

"I shall make you proud of me, Master."

Shifu began to examine the stolen goods as Tai Lung carried her a couple hundred yards to a cave. Once inside, her eyes adjust to the dark, and she saw the Tigress and Viper were also the prisoners of Shifu and Tai Lung. Once inside, she could almost swear there was an evil glint in his eye and a sneer on his lips as he stripped her of her robes, and hogtied her from shoulders to ankles. Her arms and hands were twisted painfully behind her back even though she couldn't move them.

"Don't think I'm doing this because you're hot and sexy," snarled Tai Lung, "I just know a lowly thief like you would surely have hidden tools and weapons in your clothing. Of course, I could check for hidden weapons and the like underneath that loincloth of yours." He leaned over her and reached for her loins.

"Tai Lung!" snapped Shifu, "I said there will be no dishonorable treatment of our prisoners. If I was not perfectly clear, Mei Ling is our prisoner."

"I was only going to search for hidden weapons and tools, Master," he replied, "I swear this upon my honor as a Kung Fu Warrior. There was no dishonorable intents of any kind."

"Since I know her well, I shall search her," said Shifu with authority, "Step outside for a few minutes. This is not an order, but a simple request from your Master."

He nodded as he stepped out into the light.

"I'm really sorry about this," said Master Shifu as he stepped up and knelt down next to her. If he was aware that Tigress and Viper could clearly see what he was doing, he didn't seemed to care. He searched her ears and nose, but she closed her eyes and really blushed when he searched a couple other more personal hideyholes on her body. Tigress and Viper were blushing almost as badly.

He used a little water from a canteen to wash his hands, and then stepped out to apparently speak to Tai Lung. Mei Ling glanced at Tigress and Viper, and she pleaded with her eyes for someone to do almost anything to get them out. Tigress and Viper looked back helplessly.

...

Po looked up at the Dragon Statue that clutched the Dragon Scroll in its teeth. He knew it was time. Looking back, he could see his friends supporting him: Master Crane, Master Mantis, Master Monkey, Master Fenghuang, Shining Eagle, Quiong Qu (better known as Scorpion, the Master of Poison), and Mei Ling (the leopard and former minion of Junjie).

"Now how would Grand Master Oogway have gotten that scroll down from there?" he mused aloud.

Monkey stepped forward and offered Po the staff once used by Oogway. He bowed, and then turned back to face the Dragon carving over his head. The end began to glow brightly with golden Chi. As if by command, the Dragon's eyes glowed just the same, and its jaws opened to drop the scroll. He used the tip of the staff to catch the scroll just before it hit the pool underneath. It just needed a flip of the staff to bring it to his hand.

He admired the red shiny case inscribed with gold, and the jade end caps also engraved in gold. There was a grand and glorious dragon wrapped about the case to tell the world what treasure was contained within.

"I'm not sure I'm ready yet," he said nervously.

"You're as ready as you're ever going to be," said Monkey, "Just read it. The right to do so is now yours beyond question."

The others nodded in a agreement. He unscrewed the end cap and dropped the scroll itself into his other open hand. The panda was sweating as he set the case down by his foot, and then began to slowly unroll the scroll. As the scroll opened, his eyes widened and widened. His mouth just dropped further and further.

"I can't believe it!" he said at last.

"No!" said Monkey, "You can't tell us any of the Dragon Warrior's secrets!"

He turned the scroll to the others, who all averted their gazes until Po shouted, "I can't! THIS SCROLL IS BLANK!"

"WHAT?!" they all shouted as one and looked for themselves. All they could see was a shiny, copper like coating to the scroll that they could somewhat see their reflections in. There was no writing. There was no pictures. There was NOTHING THERE AT ALL.

"WHAT KIND OF SICK JOKE IS THIS?!" screeched Crane.

"Maybe the scroll is so old, the ink just wore off?" suggested Monkey.

"There would be some signs of smudges or smears," answered Fenghuang.

"Maybe there's some Ceremony that has to be performed before the text will appear?" suggested the leopard Mei Ling.

"Does anyone have even the remotest clue what that Ceremony might be?!" asked Po.

Everyone just shook their heads 'no'.

"I just know that Master Shifu must know what it is! He just has to!" hooted Fenghuang, "Drag his sorry butt back here and MAKE HIM TELL US!"

"Then I have no choice any more," said Po, "Please step up, Master Crane, Master Mantis and Master Monkey of the Furious Five."

They stepped up.

"I am charging you with the task of the apprehension of Master Shifu and Tai Lung. Take them as your prisoners and return them to the Jade Palace. I ask that you leave in the morning."

The three bowed to him, but Mei Ling blurt out, "You are NOT getting rid of me that easily, Master Crane! I'm coming with you!"

"It could be dangerous," said Crane firmly, "I won't let you come!"

"No," said Po firmly, "Having her with you is a good idea. She can look for Tigress and Viper while the rest of you search for Master Shifu and Tai Lung." He looked to Mei Ling and added, "Just don't stray too far away from the Furious Five. Your safety is their concern. If a battle with Shifu and Tai Lung erupts, I beg you to stay out of it. While I have no doubt of your Kung Fu skills, I couldn't forgive myself if either of them hurt you. They are now both totally ruthless, and I don't doubt for one moments that they will try to kill all of you rather than turn themselves in."

"Don't worry, Mei Ling," swore Crane, "I'll protect you with my life."

She smiled at him softly and said, "Don't mistake me for just another damsel in distress. Then I would feel compelled to prove you all wrong. Don't be surprised if I'm the one who pulls your feathers out of the fire."

Crane put his wings around her and hugged her tight. "I'm sorry if I ever implied that."

"Oh, it's all good," she said with a broader grin, and then gave him a lip to beak kiss. The others found other things 'more interesting' to look at as the two shared their passionate kiss.