Po, the Harem Master
Part 26: Damsels in Distress?
by Neoraichu
Po X Various. The story returns to the beginning of the Kung Fu Panda Movies and Legends of Awesomeness, and asked the question, "what if this was written like a Harem Anime?"
WARNING: This is a strange tale, so READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.
…
Masters Crane, Mantis, Monkey, and the leopard known as Mei Ling set out in search of two groups they would rather have liked to remain separate. The first was Master Shifu and Tai Lung, and the second was Masters Tigress and Viper. While they were fairly sure that the former group would well exploit the various caves in the area, only a vague hand full of eyewitnesses told them that Tigress and Viper were headed the same way as well.
Crane scouted ahead from the air as the others made progress through the bamboo forest on foot. Even without the eyes of an owl, hawk, or eagle, they were better than the eyes stuck on the ground. They followed the road north on the last known sitings of Tigress and Viper. Crane flew closer to the mountain, as he could see caves better from there.
The day progressed until nearly noon when Crane flew back to report, "I've spotted Tigress and Viper camping in a shallow cave just off the road. It looks like they're having tea together."
"Alright," said Monkey, "Let's see if we can talk some sense into those two."
"Lead the way, Crane," called Mei Ling.
As they approached the cave, Tigress and Viper came out. Tigress was wearing a rather large if not bulky backpack. She did not look like she was very happy to see them.
"What do you want?!" called Viper, "Did that idiot Po send you?!"
"Sort of," said Monkey, "He mainly sent us to hunt down Master Shifu and Tai Lung."
"What do you need them for?"
"Because the Dragon Scroll is BLANK!" he called, "And we think Master Shifu may well be the only person left who would know what Ceremony or Ritual is needed to make the text appear."
"Really?" she asked, "Well I don't think Tigress wants to speak right now. She's still very upset. But if you don't mind, I think we can help you find those two before Tigress has calmed down enough."
Tigress turned and gave them a stern gaze as the people on the ground approached them.
"That's funny," he replied, "You told us before you were both leaving the Valley of Peace with Tigress forever."
"NOW TAI LUNG!" shouted Viper... in the voice of Master Shifu?!
Tigress lashed out at the arms and legs of both Monkey and Mei Ling, leaving all of their limbs paralyzed as the fell face first into the ground. Viper headbutted Mantis out of the air, and right into a bamboo tree which splintered under the force of the blow.
"LET ME KILL THEM THIS TIME!" shouted Tigress... in the voice of Tai Lung?!
"A THOUSAND TIMES NO!" shouted Viper/Shifu. Then she turned to Crane as she called out, "YOU MUST DELIVER THIS MESSAGE TO PO! IF HE WANTS THE SECRET OF THE DRAGON SCROLL SO BAD, HE BETTER COME TO THE TEMPLE OF THE STRIKING COBRA BY TOMORROW MORNING, ALONE, OR ELSE I WILL LET TAI LUNG KILL THEM! WE HAVE MEI LING, THIS LEOPARD, MANTIS, TIGRESS, AND VIPER! IF HE IS A COWARD AND DOES NOT SHOW, LET HIM KNOW THEIR DEATHS WILL BE ON HIS HEAD!"
"Are you serious about that, Master?" asked Tigress/Tai Lung.
"Yes," replied Viper/Shifu as she watched Crane wing his way back to the Jade Palace, "I am. We need to have defenses set up in case Fenghuang tries to disobey Po and follow him. I have a few ideas about what sort of traps we can set in case anyone else tries to follow Po, like that disgusting Scorpion." She turned back to say, "Now bind, gag and search the prisoners. Toss them in with the... WAIT! WHERE DID MASTER MANTIS GO?!"
Master Mantis was no where to be seen.
"That blow had to have injured him badly! He couldn't have gotten far away! Secure those prisoners while I look for him! Remember, NO DISRESPECTFUL behavior towards any of them!"
"Say?!" Tigress/Tai Lung asked, "How long am I supposed to be stuck in this tiger babe's body?!"
"Until I return!"
"He's no fun at all," he grumbled quietly.
"Crane," sobbed Mei Ling.
"Don't count on stick legs to save you, babe," came the reply as he gagged her, searched her body (as an excuse to feel her up), and then bound her in about as an uncomfortable position as he could.
"Coward!" called Monkey, "Why don't you fight me honor-*GAG!*" He was likewise searched and bound painfully, but at least without getting bodily searched first.
He took the prisoners back to the cave, and tossed them with their real bodies, and the foxy Mei Ling. Shifu had hit them with a delayed set of nerve point hits so that they would be fully paralyzed by the time he had used the Zhou Deng Soul Gem to trade places with Tigress and Viper. He fully thought that someone would have been sent to hunt for them once they were caught on whatever mission they happened to be sent on. Of course, the two of them had to be temporarily paralyzed so that they could be unbound, and the switch could take place. It was child's play to bind, blindfold and gag their real bodies until they could return.
When he looked down upon himself, he looked around to make sure that there was no signs of Viper/Shifu. Then in the body of Master Tigress, he reached down and lifted the blindfold from his real body. The gaze from his own eyes was about as heated and angry as he had ever seen even in a mirror.
"Wow, I must be scarier then even I thought. But don't worry, tiger babe, I'm going to use your body to give me a treat I've had coming for a long time. Too bad I just can't be in both bodies at once, now can I?" Tigress/Tai Lung reached down as he made a few jabs at the pressure points of his own real body's crotch, and then began to undo Tai Lung/Tigress' trousers. "There, now you can feel everything that I'm going to do to me... or is that you? It's really confusing, don't you think?" And what Viper/Master Shifu didn't know wouldn't hurt her/him in the least.
Tigress/Tai Lung was simply Furious. Even though Master Shifu/Viper and Mei Ling were both quite blindfolded, they could still hear. She made a point no to be quiet about her real body, after all.
...
Crane flew as fast as he could back to the Jade Palace. Approaching Shining Eagle as he landed, he squawked loudly, "THEY HAVE MEI LING! THEY HAVE MEI LING!"
"Calm down and tell me exactly what happened," said Shining Eagle.
"There's NO TIME!" he called back, "Where's Po?!"
"Fenghuang and him are packing Shifu's stuff from his old room."
"I HAVE TO SEE THEM AT ONCE! IT'S VITAL TO MEI LING'S SAFETY!"
He flew into the open doors of the Hall of Warriors. Approaching Master Shifu's old room as he landed, he squawked loudly, "THEY HAVE MEI LING! THEY HAVE MEI LING!"
Po and Fenghuang rushed out as Crane panicked.
Fenghuang raised her wings and said, "If you don't control yourself RIGHT NOW, I'm going to wing-slap you STUPID!"
"Master Crane," interrupted Po, "Just tell me what happened."
"Mei Ling, Monkey and Mantis were all captured by Tigress and Viper! But it wasn't Tigress and Viper at all. It was really..."
"He's lost his fragile bird brain," said Fenghuang evenly.
"MASTER SHIFU AND TAI LUNG!"
"Yep, he's lost it."
"They said I must tell you, 'You must deliver this message to po! If he wants the secret of the dragon scroll so bad, he better come to the temple of the Striking Cobra by tomorrow morning, alone, or else I will let Tai Lung kill them! We have Mei Ling, this leopard, Mantis, Tigress, and Viper! If he is a coward and does not show, let him know their deaths will be on his head!' That was the whole message."
"They must have used the Zhou Deng Soul Gem from Mei Ling!"
"Mei Ling never had the Zhou Deng Soul Gem."
"I mean the OTHER Mei Ling!"
"This is about the most obvioius trap I've ever seen!" hooted Fenghuang, "If they've been body switching, than any one of them could be Shifu or Tai Lung! It would be almost too easy for either of them to ambush you!"
"I know that," said Po, "but I have no choice in the matter! If they see a sign of either of you, I'm sure Tai Lung won't hesitate to kill all the captives this time!"
"CRANE!" said the owl, "Go outside and find Shining Eagle! I need a moment alone with Po!"
"Of course," said Crane as he left.
"What's so important that..."
"Open your mouth, close your eyes and you will get a big surprise," she cooed. As his eyes closed, she lunged ahead to kiss him beak to lips. She counted on his shyness to keep his eyes closed, or he might have seen the golden glow of Chi that surrounded them and bound their fates together as one. It was her last trick to fulfill the destiny that Grand Master Oogway had cast for them.
"Go get them, my love," she cooed as the aura faded, and he opened his eyes, "You must leave as soon as you can if you want to make it to the Striking Cobra Temple in time. They must be counting on you being exhausted by the time you get there."
"Ha-durr!" he stammered.
'So elegant,' she thought, 'Now to speak to Shining Eagle.' She left him gibbering as she went out after Master Crane.
She approached Crane and Shining Eagle as Po ran out of the Hall of Warriors wearing a bamboo 'wok shaped' hat and a long black cloak. This time, he was talking a staff of great quality from the armory that the owl could not recognize. It was striking because of the blood red color of the wood it was made from. Pausing until she was sure he was going down the Jade Palace stairs, she turned to them.
"I don't care what darling says," hooted the owl, "WE HAVE TO FOLLOW HIM, and I can't do it without YOU TWO!"
"You heard what Po said!" replied Shining Eagle, "We are honor bound to..."
"DO NOTHING!" she snapped, "He is not actually the Master of the Jade Palace yet, so he can't really tell ANY of US what we can and cannot do!"
"But what can we do? If we are seen..."
"I'm an OWL! My night vision and hearing are peerless! My flight is soundless! You're an EAGLE! When we fly high enough, you can see them plainly from 3 MILES AWAY! No matter whose body they're in, they cannot possibly see us that far away!"
"What about me?!" asked Crane.
"I doubt they're so stupid as to have the prisoners right there with them. It's up to you to find them and make sure that they're alright!"
"I CAN DO THAT!"
"For Mei Ling's sake, I hope so."
"You mean the leopard and not the fox, right?!"
"OH WHAT'S IN A NAME?!" snapped Fenghuang.
"To me," he said quietly, "everything."
…
Po had to hurry more than he ever had in his life to make the Striking Cobra Temple before the deadline. He had to travel all day, all night and well into the next day without any rest at all. It was only his fears about what was happening to the prisoners of Shifu and Tai Lung that kept him going. By the time he made it to the Temple, the staff was about the only thing keeping him standing.
He could see stone arches ringed around the whole Temple, and it seemed like each of his friends was now strung under an arch like a puppet. They were also quite gagged. Looking around, he could not see Tai Lung or Master Shifu. But that fear was alleviated when he saw Shifu coming towards him.
"You almost didn't make it, Dragon Warrior fraud," he said.
"Where's your little student flunkey hiding?!" asked Po.
"Oh, I think you have other issues," he replied, "All of them have been completely paralyzed in a random order. Who know just who is going to die of complications first."
"HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO YOUR OWN DISCIPLES?!"
"HOW COULD OOGWAY NOT SEE THAT TAI LUNG IS THE ONLY TRUE DRAGON WARRIOR?!"
"I have the Dragon Warrior Scroll right here with me. For the scroll, I'll trade you ALL of your prisoners," he said.
"Then you came all this way FOR NOTHING!" snarled Shifu, "There IS NO CEREMONY OR RITUAL to reveal ANYTHING about the Dragon Scroll!"
Po gasp. Then it was really true that the scroll was intentionally blank!
"The sands of time stop for no one, Panda," he mused.
He rushed over to Tigress, but when she lifted her legs by surprise, she lashed out at every pressure point in his chest.
"Really, Tai Lung?" he asked as the strikes didn't affect him, "Using Tigress against me? Is that really the best you could do?"
"How could that not have worked?" asked Shifu in dismay.
He patted his stomach, and said "I'm what you call padded."
Shifu threw a knife that cut Tai Lung/Tigress loose. As she hit her feet, the Cloak of Shadows fell on top of her, and they both vanished without a trace.
"Cloak of Shadows, huh?" he asked, "Totally awesome. So where do you really have Tai Lung's body and Tigress' soul?"
"I'LL NEVER TELL, FRAUD!"
Tai Lung/Tigress leaped at him from the shadow of an arch, aiming both Dragon Claws at his open back, but Po simply blocked them with the red staff. Rebounding off the staff, Tai Lung/Tigress vanished back into the shadows.
"How did you know?! How did you do that?!" asked Shifu.
"That's easy," he replied, "Why bother to bind someone who totally paralyzed, plus gag them, but leave the ropes on Tigress' legs hanging loose?"
"Wait, I should know that staff!"
"Oh, are you talking about the Legendary POWER POLE OF SUN WUKONG?!"
"It grants its wielder a SIXTH SENSE against surprise attacks!"
"Among other things," he said, "Like the little trick I like to call POWER POLE EXTEND!" The staff grew one hundred feet tall, taking Po up with it as Tai Lung slashed where Po was in vain. Then he allowed the staff to fall forward and take him to the top of a cliff looking down on the Striking Cobra Temple. Then the staff shrank back to 6' long in his hands.
"There's no shadows up here to use against me!" he called as he looked around for Tigress/Tai Lung's body. He saw her, that is to say him, bound tightly in an entrance to a shallow cave nearby.
"But I have plenty of things to use against YOU!"
"Not for long!" he called as he whipped a silvery dagger from his sleeve, "I call upon the SWARM OF FLYING KNIVES!" He threw the blade as it became two blades, then four blades, eight blades, 16 blades, 32 blades, and finally 64 blades. Not only did the blades manage to hit every pressure point needed to end the paralysis of Shifu's victims, but they also cut them all down at the same time. The blades recombined into one as they returned to the hand that threw them.
"Clever fraud!" said Shifu, "Very clever in deed! See if you can get down here in time to stop me from killing Master Viper!"
"POWER POLE EXTEND!" he shouted as the pole embedded itself at the bottom of the cliff, and then slid down it.
But Viper lunged at Shifu first. The two met in mid leap. She wrapped herself about his arm and neck as she made him quickly punch himself in his own face. He tried in vain to pull Viper off him, but only staggered back as his own blows stunned him.
"I'm safe!" she called to Po, "But the only way to save Tigress is to kill Tai Lung!"
By the time she said that, he had already made it to the original body of Tai Lung. He drew the Swarm of Flying Blades Knife, but paused as he said, "The real Master Viper would never say something like that! Shifu switched bodies with her!" But by the time he said that, Shifu/Viper had already used her own body to bind his wrists, immobilizing both the Power Pole of Sun Wukong and the Swarm of Flying Blades Knife.
"I'M SO SORRY FOR EVERYTHING, MASTER PO!" shouted Shifu/Viper as he grabbed the snake by the head and allowed them both to fall upon the Swarm of Flying Blades Knife. It pierced the snake's throat as it also pierced the heart of Master Shifu.
"NO!" screamed Tai Lung/Tigress.
"NO!" screamed Po.
Shifu/Viper's body fell back to the ground as blood poured from their deadly wounds.
"I love you, Po! Tell Tigress I love her more than anything!" said Viper/Shifu as he coughed a gout of blood, and then simply passed out.
It seemed pointless, but Po took the Zhou Deng Soul Gem and used it to put Viper and Shifu back into their nearly dead bodies. He dropped the staff and the knife to hold Viper's body.
"DIE YOU SON OF A!.." cried Tai Lung/Tigress as she lunged at Po's back using the Dragon Claws now seething with Chi energy. A huge flash of light appeared between them, and Fenghuang took both of the claws in the chest for Po. Her chest gushed blood as she bounced across the stone Temple grounds and slammed into an arch.
"NOT YOU TOO!" he cried.
"FOR THE GLORY OF MASTER SHIFU!" called Tai Lung/Tigress, "I DIE NOW!" Tai Lung/Tigress plunged the Dragon Claws into both the chests of Tai Lung/Tigress, and Tigress/Tai Lung, destroying both of their hearts at the same time. Tigress' body collapsed on top of Tai Lung's.
"NO!" screamed Po, "NO! NOT LIKE THIS!"
He looked to see Shining Eagle and Master Crane flying in.
"What the hell did Fenghuang do?!" asked Crane.
Po was so filled with his rage and pain that he shook the Dragon Scroll at the Heavens and screamed, "I WISH I WAS NEVER THE DRAGON WARRIOR!" The scroll exploded as everyone and everything was engulfed in a burst of pure golden Chi energy.
[to be concluded]
