Po, the Harem Master

Part 27: Dream a Little Dream of Me

by Neoraichu

Po X Various. The story returns to the beginning of the Kung Fu Panda Movies and Legends of Awesomeness, and asked the question, "what if this was written like a Harem Anime?"

WARNING: This is a strange tale, so READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

Po awoke with a start. He was in his cot at the Noodle Shop of Mister Ping. Picking up his limited edition Tigress action figure, he clutched it to his chest. She was his favorite.

"Good morning, Po," said Mister Ping, "You're up early. Is everything alright?"

"Just a bad dream, Dad," he replied.

"Bad dream?"

"Yeah," he replied, "Bet you think it's funny, too. I became the legendary Dragon Warrior, fell in love with many women, and then had to watch almost all of them die before my very eyes."

"My, that certainly is a nightmare!"

"I'll be down to help fix the first batch of Noodles in just a minute."

"No hurry, son," he replied, "but there is someone here to see you."

"See me?" he asked back, "Who?"

"Some bigshot in a shell."

"Bigshot? Shell?" he asked in surprise. Po raced down stairs, and almost ran right into... "Grand Master Oogway?!" Coiled about his neck was a certain snake. "Master Viper?!"

"Greeting Po," said Oogway, "One who was once known as the Dragon Warrior."

"Funny thing, that..." he began, "Wait, how could you know about my nightmare?!"

"Because it wasn't a nightmare," came the reply, "You used the full power of the Dragon Scroll and the Dragon Warrior to alter the destinies of the ones you loved. By giving up your dreams, you saved them from the jaws of death. I should know. The Universe told me so."

"You're really wise for an old guy," he mused.

"Old woman," said Viper.

"You aren't that old," said Po.

"No, I mean Grand Master Oogway is the old woman."

"Say what now?"

"That's right," she replied, "I'm a woman. Master Viper convinced me it was time to let everyone know my little secret. It's supposed to encourage women across the land to become Kung Fu Masters in their own right."

"And I love you, Master," replied Viper as she kissed her on the cheek fondly.

"Don't waste your love on me," replied Oogway, "I shall be one with the Universe soon, and you'll need to find another to love once I'm gone."

"My love is never wasted on you. When the time comes, I'm sure I'll find another to love... I do really like Master Tigress..."

Master Oogway just smiles and warned her, "Just remember this: Never play your loves against each other. It never turns out well in the end."

"I could've sworn I heard that somewhere before," said Po.

"But that's not why I'm here, Po," said Oogway, "I'm here about you."

"Me? What would one of the greatest Kung Fu Masters of all time want with me?"

"I want to personally train you in Kung Fu. I want to get you admitted to the Jade Palace."

"REALLY?!"

"Does this look like my jokey face to you?"

"Uh... no?"

"Very well, do you accept my offer?"

"Hey! I can't afford to lose my only son!" objected Mister Ping.

"The Jade Palace will cover the costs of replacing him. I'm sure a second chef, a busboy, and a waitress will be sufficient to replace Po."

"But it's my dream for him to run my shop after I'm gone," objected the gander.

"Perhaps after he learns Kung Fu, he might just come back. Just because he's going to be training doesn't mean he's going to forget about you."

"All right," he muttered, "I don't think I'll ever understand all this Kung Fu stuff, but if it will make him happy, I guess I can't object."

"Now let's go outside," said the tortoise softly, "I have some people I want you to meet."

Po stepped out into the Noodle Shop serving area to see "Master Shifu?! Master Tigress?! Master Monkey?! Master Crane?! Master Mantis?!"

"Master?" asked Shifu, "Who is this panda, and why is he yelling the OBVIOUS at us?"

Master Viper slipped from Oogway's neck, raced over to coil about Tigress' neck and shoulders, and then gave her a kiss on the lips. Everyone else (besides Tigress, Po and Oogway) found something else 'more interesting' to look at.

"This is the one I'm going to train to be admitted to the Jade Palace. He has huge potential in Kung Fu. The Universe has told me so."

"I don't see any potential here, Master Oogway," said Shifu sternly, "but I defer to your wisdom as the Grand Master of the Jade Palace."

"That's real funny," said Master Monkey, "but I can't shake the feeling I already know this panda from somewhere... I guess I must have seen him somewhere around the Village."

But Master Oogway put an arm around Po's shoulders and said quietly, "The ones you loved will come to love you all over again if you're just willing to give them the chance." Po was looking quietly at Viper as she continued to kiss Tigress on the lips, and the blush in Tigress' cheeks said just what she was thinking about that kiss. But then Viper was blushing a bit as well.

Viper broke off the kiss, and just rubbed her cheek against Tigress'.

"Master Viper," scolded Tigress, "We shouldn't be making such a scene in public."

"I love you as much as I love Oogway," she replied, "And I don't care who knows it."

But Tigress was now glaring at Po as she asked, "WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?!"

"Just two of the most awesome beautiful Kung Fu Masters who surely ever lived," he replied.

His answer completely threw Tigress off her guard.

"Wait," asked Viper, "You think I'm beautiful?!"

"You're one of the Furious Five!" he answered enthusiastically, "Of course you're awesome beautiful!"

Now Tigress and Viper had another reason to blush.

"Now I've taken the liberty of..." began Oogway.

"MASTER CRANE?!" asked a woman's voice from nearby.

"MEI LING?!" asked Crane as he turned to see a female leopard rush up to him, and hug him tightly.

"When I got an invitation from the Master of the Jade Palace to join here, I couldn't wait to tell that jerk Junjie where he could stuff his job, Sacred Onyx Council or no!" said Mei Ling happily, "I couldn't turn down the chance to be with you again... *cough* to learn Kung Fu from the best in the land!"

Po thought that he could see Crane blush almost as much as Mei Ling was.

"Now there's one more who should be here..."

"EEK!" shrieked a woman outside, "A SCORPION!"

"Make a painting! It lasts longer!" shouted a small reddish creature with three pairs of legs, two pair of eyes, one pair of pincers, and a stinger came scurrying into the Noodle Shop. Looking up a Oogway, she asked, "I hope you called me out here for a reason?"

"Yes," she replied, "If you are willing to let this panda here take responsibility for you and live here in this Noodle Shop, I am willing to end your banishment."

"Say what?" asked Po and Mister Ping as one.

Scorpion looked at the panda and asked skeptically, "What's so special about him?"

"He will never judge you by your reputation or your appearance," replied Oogway.

"Really?" she asked in shock, "Are you kidding me?"

"Does this look like my jokey face?" she asked.

"Uh... no?"

"Do you accept my offer then?"

"If that means coming back to the Valley of Peace," said Scorpion, "Sure. I'm sure the panda and I will get along just peachy."

Po smiled because he already knew what Scorpion was really like on the inside.

"But what about our mission..." began Shifu.

"WHEN ARE WE LEAVING?!" asked a shrill voice from outside, "WHERE ARE MY STICKY BUNS?! SOMEONE NEEDS TO BEHEAD THEMSELVES!"

"Oh, Po will help you escort the Princess Mei Li to see Temutai."

"What?" asked Shifu incredulously, "What can this Panda do?! He's not even trained!"

"I want him to see the Furious Five in action before I begin his Kung Fu Training," replied Oogway, "I'm sure you'll see his potential soon enough, Master Shifu."

"I hope you are right," he replied, "but what are we going to do about the Dragon Scroll?! It vanished last night without a trace! How can we even have a Dragon Warrior without it?!"

"Calm yourself, Shifu," said Oogway, "The Universe has decided that we do not need a Dragon Warrior after all. He already lives in the hearts of every honorable practitioner of Kung Fu."

"I hope that you're right about that, Master."

Oogway raised an eyebrow (or whatever she had that passed for one).

"Of course you're right. I don't know what came over me."

"Oh, and leave Master Crane, Master Mantis and Master Monkey here at the Jade Palace. You can stay here as well, Master Shifu. Between Master Tigress, Master Viper and Po here, I'm sure they can handle this mission."

"As you wish, Master," replied Shifu, who then said to the aforementioned, "You heard the Master. Ler's go back to the Jade Palace and train."

Tigress and Viper looked at each other, over at Po, then back at Master Oogway. "Yeah," they said as one, "We're up to this."

"I'm sure you are," she replied.

Po wondered if he might run into the awesome beautiful owl Fenghuang out on this mission again. He knew in his heart with the right encouragement, she could be back on the honorable path of Kung Fu.

"Stop that daydreaming, panda!" said Tigress as she turned to leave, "We have a mission, and we haven't got..."

"I'M BORED! LET'S GO!" shrieked the girl from outside.

"Princesses," sighed Tigress.

"Hey, I'm great with kids," said Po.

"Who said the Princess was a child?" asked Tigress suspiciously.

"Lucky guess?" he replied awkwardly. Tigress seemed to accept that answer.

...

And so, since he never became the Dragon Warrior, Master Shifu was willing to give the Panda a chance to prove his worth. In time, he accepted him as a gifted Kung Fu Master in his own right. And in time, he would wind up taking Tigress as his first wife, and Viper, Fenghuang, and Scorpion as his co-wives and concubines. And one day, the noble Shining Eagle as well, even if Master Eagle didn't seemed too thrilled about it at the time.

When the day came that Tai Lung escaped from prison and sought the non-existent Dragon Scroll, Po beat him, spared his life, and turned him back to the honorable path of Kung Fu as well.

And Po would indeed have two children by Tigress (a tigress and a panda girl), and two more by Fenghuang (a male panda and a girl owl). They would all grow up to be legendary Kung Fu Masters, and in their time, create a new Dragon Scroll for the day that someone would become the DRAGON WARRIOR!

Hear the legends of the Harem Master!

Doong-da-da-doong-dah! Doong-da-da-doong!

Raised in a noodle shop, never seeking glory or fame,

He climbed the Palace steps and learned Kung Fu just the same!

Ooh! Ah! Ya!

Harem Mastahhh!

They saw the panda and felt their love blossom,

And master the skills of bodacious and awesome!

Harem Mastahhh!

He lives and he trains and he fights with the Furious Five,

Protecting Scorpion, Fenghuang, something, something alive!

Ooh! Ah! Ya!

Harem Mastaaahhhhhh!

Legends of Awesomeness.

Sweet

"Hey!" shouted Shining Eagle, "What am I?! Chopped onions over here?!" Yes, Po would eventually have one child by her: An eagle girl who would grow into a Kung Fu Master and take over running the Aerial Academy from her mother, who in turn took over from her father, Master Eagle.

And in spire of trying, Po would never have a child by Master Viper. She was all too happy to help Tigress raise their children like an aunt or nanny.

As for Scorpion, HE COULDN'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT! Seriously. It was strictly platonic love between them.

When Tai Lung got over the fact he would never be the Dragon Warrior, he settled down and became a great teacher at the Jade Palace. He would never take another life as long as he lived, as he owed Po so much for sparing his life and giving him a second chance.

Oh, and Crane also married the Clouded Leapard Mei Ling. They also had two children (a female crane and a male leopard) who would grow into Kung Fu Masters, open their own Kung Fu Academy, and have their own friendly rivalry with the descendants of Master Po.

And as to the other Mei Ling... she would one day see the error of her ways, become honorable, and settle down after Master Shifu finally consented to marry her. They, however, would never have any children of their own, and probably liked it better that way.

[~fin~]