Chapter 5: A Mother's Instincts

"She couldn't be," Lee was still saying to himself on Tuesday morning.

He hadn't discussed what Billy said with Amanda yet. On Monday, she was too ill and he was too much in shock at the idea of her being pregnant to say anything. Neither one of them was really in a fit state to discuss it.

When Lee had gotten back to his apartment and calmed down a little, he also started wondering how Billy knew about the marriage. They'd been so careful, or so Lee had thought. But, Billy not only knew that they were married but when it happened. There was no more denying it, as far as Billy was concerned. Who else knew?

Since he was excused from work, Lee went to Amanda's house the next morning after the kids left for school to see how she was doing. Her mother answered the door.

"Shouldn't you be at work, Lee?" Dotty asked when she let him in.

"I'm taking some time off," Lee said casually. "It seems like everyone's come down with same virus Amanda has, so there isn't much going on at work."

He looked Dotty right in the eye as he spoke and wondered silently whether she had any idea about the marriage.

"These things can spread so easily," Dotty said, shaking her head. "I've been cleaning like crazy around here, and Amanda's been trying to stay away from the boys as much as possible so they don't get it. But, you never know. Some people just have better immune systems than others. And, I've been making them take vitamin C. Have you been taking vitamin C?"

"Not really," Lee admitted.

"Well, you should. I think it's sweet that you came here to see Amanda when she's not feeling well, but you need to take care of yourself, too. I can give you some vitamin C. We have plenty."

"Oh, that's alright," Lee said.

"It's no trouble at all," Dotty said, giving him a capsule from a little brown bottle. "I'll get you some water. The last thing we need is for you to get sick."

Lee ended up taking the vitamin just to satisfy Dotty.

"That's better," Dotty said. "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, so they say, and if you're going to be spending time with Amanda, you'd better be prepared."

Lee didn't feel at all prepared. Not for the subject they had to discuss.

Dotty said, "Amanda's upstairs in bed. Would you take this cup of tea up to her?"

"Sure," Lee said, taking the teacup from Dotty.

He was about halfway up the stairs before Dotty said, "You didn't ask, but her room is the last door on the left."

Lee turned and saw Dotty giving him a wry smile. He just smiled back. It was better just to say nothing. Dotty had once found a sock of his mixed in with the family's laundry. It wasn't enough to prove anything, but it was enough to give her suspicions. They'd been fortunate that it was Amanda who had caught the boxers he'd left behind.

Amanda was sitting up in bed, surrounded by books, magazines, and pieces of the newspaper. She wasn't reading any of them. She was just staring out the window.

"Lee?" she said in surprise when he came in. "What are you doing here?"

"Billy gave me some time off," he said, perching on the side of the bed. "Care for some tea?"

"Okay," Amanda said. "Thank you. I'm feeling better than I did the other day, really. I've been pretty bored in here by myself. Mother won't let me do anything. She insists that I should just rest."

"Well, she's right. You should rest."

"Maybe I did overdo it a little the other day," Amanda admitted. "I've never fainted like that before."

"Never?" Lee asked, trying hard to think of how to bring up the delicate topic they had to discuss. "Not even when you were pregnant with the boys?"

"No," Amanda said, taking a sip of the tea. "Of course, I had-" She stopped suddenly and stared at Lee. "Lee, are you worried that I might be . . . ?"

"Are you?" Lee asked anxiously.

Amanda laughed.

"Does that mean you're not?" Lee asked, still anxious.

"No, of course not!" Amanda said, surprised.

"Is there any chance that you might be pregnant?"

"Well, you'd know that as well as I would," Amanda said jokingly.

"So, there might be a chance?"

"No," Amanda said seriously. "Really, I'm not pregnant. You're really worried about this, aren't you?"

"This is serious, Amanda. Are you sure?"

"I'm sure."

"Are you really sure?"

"I'm really sure!"

Lee sighed. Even he wasn't sure if it was a sigh of relief or not.

"Honestly, Lee, this is just the flu. Being pregnant feels very different. At least, it always has for me. I should know, I've done it twice!"

She was sure, but Lee still wasn't. Amanda wasn't as young as she'd been when she had the boys. Maybe it felt different in her 30s than in her 20s. There was only one way to know . . . and Billy was waiting for the answer.

"Lee," Amanda asked suddenly, "why did Billy give you time off?" She knew as well as he did that didn't happen very often.

Lee took Amanda's hands in his and said, "This is going to come as a shock, but I have to tell you . . . Billy knows."

"Billy knows what?" Amanda asked, eyes wide.

"About us," Lee said softly, glancing at the door to make sure that Amanda's mother wasn't listening. "He knows that we're married. He told me so himself."

"How does he know?" Amanda whispered.

"I don't know. He didn't say. But, when you fainted, and he heard that you've been sick lately, he asked me if you could be pregnant."

"So, that's why you were so worried," Amanda said softly.

"Yeah."

"But, I'm not," Amanda said. "I'm very sure of that. This feels like the flu, not pregnancy."

"Billy says he wants you to get tested anyway. He wants to know the results."

Lee watched as Amanda digested this.

"What's he going to do?" she finally asked. "Is he going to tell anyone?"

"I don't know." Lee ran a hand through his hair. "I don't think so. If he wanted us disciplined for keeping our marriage a secret, he could have done it already. Right now, I think he's just worried about your health. If you turn out to be pregnant, he'll pull you from the field."

"I'm not pregnant. Really, I'm not."

Lee squeezed her hand. "Whatever happens, things will be okay. You tell your mother that I've been worrying about you and this virus and insisted that you see a doctor. Maybe I'll tell her myself. She'll think it's sweet for me to be concerned."

"It is." Amanda smiled.

Lee smiled for first time since Monday.

"Try to get an appointment for Thursday, if you can," Lee said. "I have to go pick up the Petrescus tomorrow, but I want to go to your appointment. I'll drive you. I don't really trust your mother's driving, and I don't want her knowing about the test."

"I don't really need a doctor's appointment for a pregnancy test," Amanda said. "There are tests for women to take at home. You can get the results in minutes. They sell them at the drug store."

"Good," Lee said. "That would be more private. I can pick one up for you. You're not well enough to go out, and we don't want any of your PTA friends seeing you picking up a pregnancy test."

"Aren't you worried someone might see you?" Amanda asked.

"Most of the people I know are in Georgetown," Lee said. "If I get it somewhere around here or maybe another neighborhood over, no one will know."

"Lee?" Amanda asked, hesitating. "Are you . . . I mean . . . would you be upset if I did turn out to be pregnant?"

"Do you think you might be?" Lee asked worriedly.

"No, but I mean . . . What if I did get pregnant? You know, eventually. I mean, what would we do?" Amanda bit her lip.

Lee didn't know quite how to answer that question. He'd been wondering the same thing ever since Billy had raised the possibility that Amanda might be pregnant. Baby. Father. He'd thought about it so much that he could almost see a pudgy little baby with tiny hands and big brown eyes like her mother's. He wasn't sure why he'd pictured a little girl, but that's what he was thinking of. If there was a baby. But, there wasn't. Probably not.

"Right now, a lot depends on what Billy says," Lee said. "If it's impossible to keep our marriage a secret . . . we might both have to leave the Agency. They won't let married agents be partners."

"I didn't think so," Amanda said sadly.

"But, it might not come to that, at least not yet," Lee reassured her.

"But, if we have a baby . . ." Amanda prompted him.

"Then, we'll take care of it. Him. Her. Whoever it is." Lee thought that little ramble sounded like one of Amanda's. After all these years, she was rubbing off on him. "We'll take care of our family. I promise. I love you."

"I love you, too." Amanda said. Tears sparkled at the corners of her eyes. He kissed her.

Lee insisted that he'd get the home pregnancy test for Amanda to use on Thursday. He would have to come by anyway to let her know how things went when he picked up the Petrescus. For today, he just wanted her to rest.

"Billy and I have already discussed the security detail. You should be feeling better by the weekend, and you can meet the Petrescus then."

Amanda added, "By then, the test will be off our minds."

"Right," Lee said. He had to admit that he really wouldn't be able to think of much else until he knew for certain that Amanda wasn't pregnant.