Thank you all for reading and reviewing. I've been trying to update some of my stories while I'm on break. So here ya go.
I woke up the next day with a pounding headache. When I rolled over and covered my eyes I half expected Santana to be laying there, cuddled up next to me with a smile on her face. I expected her to warn me never to drink again, or for her to tell me that I was a lightweight. But she wasn't there. She didn't stay last night, in fact, once she'd helped me up the stairs and helped me get under the covers she left. I was worried about her.
Well I had a terrible headache, but I was worried too. I reached over to my nightstand and pulled out my phone. I texted her, asking if she wanted to meet up somewhere, I added in something about working on homework just so she wouldn't feel like this was anything more than what it was. What was this anyway? Who knew?
"You came in late last night." I looked up to see my dad standing there with a cup of herbal tea and a Sue Grafton novel. I had to be calculating, my dads were smart but Hiram Berry always got what he wanted out of people, no matter what. I put my phone down and nodded.
"Yep." Short and sweet, that's how I'd play this. I walked over to my closet to look for something to wear, even if Santana didn't respond I knew Kurt would want to hang out with me so I should probably at least get dressed. "How was your night?"
"Save it Rachel, I know you went to a party, I heard you stumbling in last night. Who was with you? Kurt?" How does he do that? He seems to know everything without even trying. I had to think about this, would Santana get in trouble if I told him the truth? He didn't really seem to care that much about me going to a party in the first place.
"I went with Santana…she's a friend and before you ask nothing bad happened. I just had a few drinks, but she took care of me." I heard my phone buzz and I walked over to pick it up and read the text. I was half getting dressed half reading what Santana sent me.
[From Santana]: Wanna go to my place? I'll pick you up.
I texted back, telling there that I'd meet her at the end of my street, I didn't want my father's interrogating her, I didn't want her running off or feeling uncomfortable around me. Truthfully, I just wanted to be around her more. Last night was weird and I was out of my element, but Santana was a sweetheart and I enjoyed myself. From what I could remember.
"Where are you going now?" He asked curiously.
"Just for a walk, I might hang out with Kurt after I dunno." I shrugged and walked past him hoping he wouldn't follow. I thought a lot about Santana as I waited for her on the corner. I wondered if she actually would consider me a friend, or was I just the only person who really ever gave her a chance. Was I her escape? Is that what I even wanted to be?
Either way I knew that things seemed different than what I intended them to. I thought I would just try and get closer to her, figure out why she was so dark and different, but now I couldn't find a way out even if there was one. I was drawn to her, completely, and I didn't think I could just let her go. I cared too much, and it'd only been a short period of time. It's clear as day now, I wear my heart on my sleeve. "Are you just gonna stand there or get in?" I looked towards her voice, she was staring at me from behind sunglasses with a small smile playing on her lips.
"Sorry." I said quietly, I got into her car and put on my seatbelt, when I realized we weren't moving yet I looked over at Santana, but she was already looking back at me. "What?"
"How are you feeling?" She asked curiously.
"Fine…I mean I had a bit of a headache but…I'm fine now."
"Lightweight." Santana joked as she pulled off and started driving. Santana stayed quiet for a while, and I looked outside just taking in the atmosphere. It was a nice day, not sunny, but warm enough.
"Are you okay?"
"Do I not seem okay?" She pulled into her parking lot and we waited for a few moments, neither one of us reaching for our doors. "I'm okay, I just think you're acting weird is all. I hope I didn't get you in trouble with your folks or something."
I reached over to take off her sunglasses, I didn't like having this conversation without being able to see her completely. She pulled back and that's when the real worry kicked in. "Take them off." She hesitated for a second before pulling them off slowly, the purplish bruise under her eye caught my attention right away. "What happened?"
"Nothing." She lied. It felt weird now, it being so easy for me to tell that she was lying. Right now it didn't seem like she was lying to protect herself, it seemed like she was lying to protect me. "I promise it's okay, I wouldn't invite you over if it wasn't safe."
"I know that. Look I'll let it go only because I know you really don't want to talk about it." She seemed content and we both got out of the car. I led the way up to her room, memorizing the route from the first time we'd been there. I'd replayed it a lot in my mind, it wasn't hard. "So are you actually planning on going to school this week?"
"Yep, I can't be brawn without the brains. I hear girls go for the smart types." Santana pulled out her backpack and set it on the ground before plopping down on her couch. "Or maybe you could just be my brains, which might be a lot easier."
"That would mean we'd have to be inseparable."
"Does that sound so terrible?" She asked as I sat down next to her. "I still don't get the point of school though. I mean yeah for wicked smart girls like you, it makes sense, but for me…it's just a waste of time." I watched her for a second curiously, before laughing. She looked over at me and arched a brow. "What's so funny?"
"You." I told her. "You're saying all that so I'll be forced to come up with some big elaborate reason why you have to be there. Which I won't do by the way. I'll by your lunch, if that helps." She shrugged and kicked her feet up on the coffee table in front of us. "You can be my own personal charity case." That caught her attention. She glared at me and I could see her nostrils flare and I realized I needed to hurry speak before she threw me across the room. "That was a joke."
Her face softened. "Oh." A smile spread between us and she giggled which caught me completely off guard. "That wasn't funny."
"Then why are you laughing?" I asked her curiously.
"I don't know I think I'm just-."
"Happy?" There was hope in my voice. Hope that I was powerful. That even though it was just me I could be strong enough to change something in the world. To change her. Why was I trying again? Why couldn't just let this go? With the way her face scrunched up briefly and her hand went to the back of her neck I knew exactly how she felt.
Scared. Nervous. But not happy.
"If that's what you see, then I am." That wasn't an answer. Not at all. "So, since you've been helping me with school and went to that party with me…well I was thinking I could take you to ballet. I mean if you needed a ride or something."
"Really? You would? I mean it's every day and it'll take time out of your day and I wouldn't want to-."
"I asked."
"Okay." I flushed embarrassed by my quick response without even thinking. "You could maybe take a class. They offer open sessions on Tuesdays. Hip-hop or jazz maybe, if you wanted to. Or maybe-."
"Rachel, I hate to break it to you, but I ain't you." She shrugged. "Dancing's your thing."
"I didn't realize I had a thing." Santana laughed and I hoped at some point she was going to be letting me in on what was so funny. "I don't like it as much as you think."
"So then why are you doing it?"
That wasn't what I wanted to hear. Or maybe I did, why else would I make a stupid comment like that? I wanted her to know, I wanted her to ask me about it. In all this, I realized that I'd made the biggest mistake of all. I thought I was giving her a person to talk to, I think it might be the other way around. Sure, I had Kurt, but Kurt was different. Kurt was a middle class fashionista who wanted to go to New York and be a star. Kurt was just like me, Santana wasn't. She didn't care about anything I did, she was dark, the opposite of everything I'd known my whole life.
But it was more than that. It was the fact that we were close as kids. We were the same as kids. Only now she was like this, so how did she get there? Did she make one wrong turn? Could I be like that if I-.
"Why are you staring at me?" That snapped me out of my head and I smiled trying to play it off. "Is something wrong?"
"No. It's just…I don't know why I do it. I mean it's one of the few things I'm good at."
"It's addicting, huh?" Her words meant one thing but her eyes said something else. "Just like when I first got into drugs. I had nothing going for me, I have nothing going for me, but…I make money. I make people happy even if it is artificial. Yeah I disappoint people, yeah I'm no good, and I do stupid things when I'm not myself…but when I'm high…I feel like God. Nothing's better than that."
I didn't want to respond. Truly, I couldn't respond. "What do your parents think of all this?" I've never seen someone tense up so fast. I've never seen my words crumbles someone's world so quickly. "What?" I questioned, trying to reach out and touch her. She pulled away and stood up, her eyes stayed on me for a moment before she looked down at her feet.
"What are you doing here? Did someone make you come here? Is this a joke?" I had no clue what was going on. I had no idea what I'd done.
"What? No. Santana, I don't understand-."
"Why would you say that about my parents? Are you trying to hurt me?" Her eyes started to water and all I could do was sit there helplessly. "Because congrats. It fucking worked."
"No, no I would never try to hurt you-."
"So then why-." Her voice cracked as she took a deep breath. "Why would you say that?"
"Please. Tell me what's wrong."
"Nothing's been wrong for five years. I'm sorry…I thought you knew." Santana wiped her eyes and sat back down on the couch. "They're dead."
"What? Who? Your parents?" The dots began connecting. Of course they were. That's why she's been gone half the time, that's why she's been so broken, that's why she's living here all alone. She doesn't have a safe place to land. Her safe place was taken from her. "How?"
"A car crash." Santana said quietly.
"I am so sorry. I didn't know." Santana nodded cautiously like if she considered what I was saying too deeply then she would actually cry. "Why are you living here alone?"
"I'm in foster care…but…this lady just wants the money they give her, not me." Santana looked over at me like she was worried about going further. "So…I needed a way to pay rent."
"Why didn't you ask for help?"
"It wasn't always this bad. I lived with a few other families, some were okay. Some weren't. I didn't ask for help because I went out looking for drugs. I'm my own monster."
"But you're not a monster."
"You don't even know me." She said without looking over at me. "And maybe you shouldn't want to. But here we are. There's my story."
"That's not all there is to you." I assured her. "I'm for bringing this all up, but I'm not sorry you told me. Sometimes it's better to see a soft side of someone than the mask they're putting up."
"Jeez you sound like Ms. Pillsbury." Santana said with a goofy grin. "Maybe you should quit dance and become a shrink. You'd be good at it, you know? Dr. Berry…eh maybe you'll get a better last name later in life."
"What's wrong with my last name?" I questioned.
"It's sounds like a Sesame Street character." She joked.
"If I was a violent person I'd punch you right about now." I crossed my arms over my chest and huffed disapprovingly at her. "But I don't want to mess up that cute face of yours."
"Cute?"
"Well you did call me beautiful, even if you were drunk. It was nice to hear." Santana nodded and pulled out a book from her backpack. I was going to applaud her for being a good student and wanting to study until I realized it wasn't a book for school. It was a book full of sheet music. "What's this for?"
"I know you like music, and I know you play the piano." She said with a sheepish smile. "So…here. Knock yourself out."
"A tough exterior with the heart of a lion." Santana rolled her eyes. "Thank you."
"Yeah, yeah." She pulled out her phone and I watched her for a second wondering what she was doing. The thought that she was going to do something reckless like call one of her clients did cross my mind. I thought, even though I would consider this progress between us, we were hardly at friend level and she wouldn't just stop herself for me. Or anyone else for that matter. "Hey I'll order something to eat. My treat."
"Sounds great."
"You can get whatever you want." She said.
Not always, I thought to myself. Maybe not ever.
Up next we'll get more into Rachel's head. Tell me what you think though and finger's crossed for Faberittana tomorrow on Glee's 100th episode.
