There are times when you surprise yourself and times when everything just remains the same. Right now I was in a liminal space. I couldn't figure out which way was out. I wasn't sure if I wanted out or not. There was something about her though. I couldn't put my finger on it, every time I got close she eluded me. And then there was that kiss. It wasn't like it was supposed to be. Spur of the moment. It was heavy, lingering, and when it happened I knew I was stuck. And that's why I left her at her apartment. I called Allie from my dance class and made her take me home, promising that I wouldn't ever show her up again. And then to make everything worse, I didn't text Santana for two days.

It wasn't like I expected much from her. But she did text saying: Dance practice? But that was yesterday. And it wasn't like she'd been in school anyway so I didn't expect a confrontation. At school, things seemed to be simmering down between the football players. No one had slushied me in at least four weeks and Quin Fabray was back to being ruthless. It was the stillness of the school that was most frightening. I guess I should've known then that things were about to become unhinged. "Seriously Rachel. It's not as easy as you make it out to be. Once I tried creating a sewing club and Principle Figgins acted like I was creating a Nazi sympathizer club." Kurt unlocked his locker and searched for his Chemistry book. "And it's really hard when they need money for a club. The football team and cheerleaders could literally pay off my parents' mortgage times fifty with all the money the school's pouring into their pockets."

"So I'll do fundraisers. I'm not giving up just because you say so." I assured him. I looked across the hallway at Brittany. She was talking to a few other cheerleaders. She played with her hair and listened to some joke one of the girls said. Even though she was laughing, she wasn't careless. Purposeful in stance and interaction, I'd never realized until now how intent she was. I wondered more about her and Santana, but for now that was all it was.

"I never said you were." Kurt said with a laugh. "And I don't expect you to. Trust me, we've met." Kurt grabbed his book and stuffed it into his satchel. "So we're hanging out tonight, right? Because we could totally map out a plan to restart a glee club here." Kurt's enthusiasm only made me more excited. More focused on the things that I needed to be.

"Of course! I'll meet you at On the Grind after my practice." Kurt smile and nodded. We headed off in opposite directions. The only thing that kept me focused was our brainstorming session. Everything throughout the day just felt stale. Stale at least until Brittany and I were stuck in the girl's locker room alone. Again.

I was starting to wonder. Is she doing this on purpose? But I threw that idea out the window when she keep stopping halfway between putting on her pants and texting. She was obviously just distracted. She probably even had the next period free like I did. "Hey, do you wanna hitch a ride with me tonight?" Brittany asked. Suddenly I was the only thing she was paying attention to. And suddenly, I was forgetting how to even put on socks. "I mean, I kinda noticed that Santana hasn't taken you the past couple-of days." She was saying it like it was exactly what she'd expected and to be honest, she did warn me. I just didn't listen.

"Yeah. I'm not even really sure why she hasn't been at school. She's not supposed to miss like that." I wanted to say more but then I thought things would go a lot quicker if I just shut up about the whole thing. It wasn't like Brittany was a complete outsider. "Anyway. I'd love to go with you, but only if it's alright. I don't want to be a burden." Brittany smiled like she knew something I didn't.

"You're totally welcome." Brittany said. She'd finally gotten dressed and she grabbed her phone and backpack. "Look…" She hesitated before heading for the day. "You don't have to worry about Santana. She'll be okay. I mean if she did anything stupid-."

"No, you've got it all wrong. It wasn't like something bad happened." Brittany nodded but I could tell she didn't believe a word I was saying. "It's kinda my fault actually. I should text her." I don't know why I was telling Brittany rather than just doing it myself. But she seemed satisfied enough to leave the room. I reached into my backpack and found my phone buried under my Spanish notes. I texted Santana: Where are you?

I shoved my phone back in my bag, hoping that she wouldn't answer right away. I was too afraid of a negative response. I was scared that she'd try to push me away or even worse that she'd want to meet up tonight. Even take me to practice.

No phone for a couple of hours, I warned myself. Until then, I'd just wait.

Practice was oddly cathartic. And it helped that Brittany was there. She was amazing, as always, but more than that she talked to me during breaks and struggled on some of the moves that I'd mastered. We were a good pair actually. She was a little more outgoing but she was really thoughtful when I explained things to her. I figured it might actually work out better if she kept taking me to practice. She even told me about her secret obsession with tea which made us realize that we really could hang out more. I was seconds away from asking her if she wanted to join Kurt and I at On the Grind when I saw Santana leaning against her car outside of the studio.

Brittany and I exchanged looks, before we approached together. I didn't know if I wanted Brittany there or not. "Hi, San." Brittany said wearily. I noticed that I was standing a little further back, from the look Santana was giving me right now, I assumed she'd noticed too.

"Hey." Santana felt pressured. Her eyes darted from Brittany to me, and then back to her. "You enjoyin this new class?"

"Cut the shit. Where have you been?" I was happy she had said it instead of me. For some reason, I was totally dumbfounded. It was like Brittany's presence had made me mute. Or maybe it was just Santana.

"I was at my apartment. What's it to you?" Santana looked over at me, waiting for me to defend her. I couldn't. "Look Rachel, can I take you home or something? I think we should talk-."

"Not if you're high, you can't." Brittany cut in.

"Yeah well I'm not, so you can piss off." Brittany bit her tongue, it was like she was waiting for an apology. Maybe a playful laugh, but Santana didn't budge. Instead she reached into her pocket and pulled out a cigarette. She lit up and nodded over at me. "You don't speak anymore or something?"

"I'm sorry, I was just…worried."

"You have a funny way of showing it." Santana said back. Her cigarette bounced up and down as she spoke. I would've been transfixed if I wasn't so awkwardly stuck in the middle of something I should've been avoiding. "Alright, fine. I get it. I'll get out of your hair."

"No, wait…" I glanced over at Brittany and gave her a reassuring nod. "I'll be fine with her."

"Okay, sure." Brittany slung her bag over her other shoulder and headed toward her car. I turned back to Santana and she was already getting in her car. I didn't even have another choice but to follow.

"Santana, I'm really sorry about leaving your place-."

"I was fucking terrified! When I got up and you weren't there, I thought something awful happened to you. I searched everywhere. I went to every shithole that I've ever been to looking for you. Why didn't you just say something? I could've taken it. But I was scared, Rachel. Do you get it?" She started her car and took a deep breath. She didn't need a reply and I didn't have to say anything, but I needed her to understand where I was coming from. She and I needed balance to stay afloat sometimes. Right now was one of those times.

"I just couldn't figure out what I was thinking. I didn't know why I asked you to kiss me." I started. "And then I thought if I just left we could pretend like it didn't happen-."

"If that's what you want then I can handle that. I'm not scared of weird shit happening. I'm scared of you getting hurt." She started driving. I didn't really have the heart to explain where I needed to go but she stopped at a light for far too long. "Where to?"

"Café. On the Grind." I told her. And then, "I'm meeting Kurt there."

"So I'll just drop you off. It's not a problem." She assured me. "I'm sorry I used around you. Self sabotage I guess." She pulled up to the café. "I'll be at school tomorrow. So I guess I'll see you in English."

"Why don't you just come in with me?" I asked suddenly.

"I don't think Kurt likes me that much. Plus, I don't want to interfere with whatever you guys are up to."

"So, just come in for a second. Get coffee. I can tell that you're tired." She smiled because I was practically begging. But it worked because a moment later we were standing in line. Santana waved at Kurt and he looked more enthusiastic than I thought he would at her presence. I texted him explaining that Santana was just getting a drink and leaving and his response was simply: Sure, sure.

I examined Santana as she scanned the menu. Her black eye was healing nicely. She was wearing a cutoff zip up hoodie and jeans. She smile was subtle and she was a lot calmer than she had been before. "What should I get?" She asked me.

"What? Uh…I don't know." I was caught off guard. "You're letting me choose?"

"Yeah, this pretty coffee shit confuses me." She told me.

"Okay, then I'll order for you." I said with a smile. We finally landed at the front of the line and I told the barista to give Santana a large white mocha. She smiled at the sound of it and when she took her first drink, she laughed.

"Yo this is the wildest shit I've ever had." She said. "Damn, Rachel good call." Santana said as we walked over toward Kurt's table. I sat and Santana leaned against the counter next to us. "Hi, Kurt."

"Hey, are you gonna stay and scheme with us?" I blushed but Santana was so interested that she snatched a chair from another table and sat down next to me.

"What sorta shit are you two getting into?" Santana questioned with a smirk.

"Kurt's just being dramatic. We're just trying to figure out a way to start a glee club. First we need an advisor though." I explained.

"So like a singing club thing." Santana nodded. "Hm, well the first option is obviously Mr. Shue."

"Why him?"

"He's a bleeding heart liberal. And he's got mad extra time." Santana explained. "I could ask Ms. Pillsbury first though. She's really good at helping people."

"You'd do that?" I asked her.

"Why wouldn't I?" She replied.

"So it's settled then. You're a life saver, Santana." Kurt exclaimed. "If you ever need anything just let me know." Santana smiled and took a sip of her drink. I could tell she was wondering why the hell Kurt was acting so nice but I ignored it.

"Sure, I'll keep that in mind." Santana phone buzzed and she didn't even check it before she started standing up. "I gotta go but I'll see you guys around, alright."

"Okay…I'll text you." She smiled at that, nodding before turning on her heels and leaving. "Kurt, what the-?"

"I just feel so bad. Am I the biggest idiot on the planet or did everyone else not know that her parents are dead?" Kurt blurted.

"Jesus, would you just…that's none of your business." I scolded. "And no, you weren't the only one. I found out by putting my foot so far in my mouth that I almost choked on it."

"So what's the deal? Is she alright?"

"Not really, Kurt. But she's trying." I said. "Look, would you mind dropping me off at her apartment after we scheme some more."

"Seriously? Your dads are gonna be so mad."

"I can handle them." I remind him. "And this is really important so…just do this for me, okay."

"Fine." He said. "But if anything happens, you'd better tell me."

I knocked on Santana's door and waited. It was taking her way too long to answer but I chalked it up to the fact that she could've been asleep. Or something. I really regretted not texting first. I could be stranded out here all by myself. For an entire night.

Santana opened the door, finally. She had a beer in hand but she was wearing the same thing as earlier. "Rach, what are you doing here?"

"I just…I missed you." I told her as we walked into her apartment and sat down on her couch.
"And I really wanted to say that you for offering to talk to Ms. Pillsbury."

"I didn't save the world, Rachel. It could've waited till tomorrow." She took a drink of her beer. "Sorry, that came out wrong." She set her beer down and looked over at me. "The things is, I just wanna vibe with you."

"So I messed things up, huh?"

"No. You just…fucked with my system a little." She said. "In sorta a good way." She smirked, like she was waiting to say something more. "Fuck…you shouldn't be here."

"Why not?"

"Because you're cute. And this is my fourth beer." She explained. Her eyes trailed down my body, stopping at my thighs. "Like what the fuck? How do we go from naïve little kids to me looking at you like…" She shook her head and stared ahead.

"Are you scared of this-?" I was cut off by a loud knock at the door. Santana jumped up and checked her phone.

"Shit." She muttered. She rushed over to her dresser and pulled out a knife. I must have looked absolutely horrified because she feigned confidence. "Hey, you need to hide okay."

"What? Santana-."

"It's not really a suggestion." She said quickly. "I'll take care of this. But you need to not make a sound." She face was tense. As the knocking continued I could feel the air getting heavier. In the haste, Santana had knocked over her beer. She was strained, trying to hold it together. To pretend like she could protect me was almost as ironic as her calling this place home. Her stash was sitting on her countertop and I wondered why the hell I didn't notice it before. "See, I told you how messed up this was. Shit…I told you this. Why the fuck didn't I take my own damn advice?"