Hey guys, thank you for following and reading this story. I hope you've been liking it so far, and as you can see I'm updating once a week -yay me- so here's the next chapter, I hope you like it.
All the mistakes are mine and all that jazz
TW: Suicide, Self-harm, Violence (?), eating disorders (?), addiction, and yeah.
A purge to stop the gain
Breathe in. Breathe out. Shove finger. Throw up. Wash mouth. Repeat.
That's all I've been doing for the past two hours, my knees are bruised and my arms are giving out.
A part of me wants to stop, Maura's voice inside my head tells me that I'm just hurting myself, she yells at me and tries to knock some sense into my head while trying to make me understand that this isn't the solution, that this isn't the right thing to do.
I can still hear her sobbing and pleading me to wake up after I passed out when I overdosed; while I was unconscious I could see all the things I was leaving behind, the future that maybe, just maybe, I could have with Maura if I overcame this.
After I woke up she looked at me with so much pain in her eyes, that my usually still and cold heart clenched in a way that made me feel guilty; I shook that feeling off by hugging Maura and telling her that everything was going to be all right, and while she sobbed and trembled in my arms, I wondered how did I became such a skillful liar.
Little by little her voice is being silenced by another one –the part of me that incites me to continue, the part of me that will always be joined to him-, the one who tells me that I did this to myself and I deserve this, that I need to do this.
He whispers in my ear all the things that I want to hear, like "If you do this, your Ma will love you again" or "Just once more Jane, and I'll leave you alone".
He doesn't stop there "Just shove your finger down your throat" she says "that way Dr. Isles will look at you like she looks at every single guy she's ever fucked"
I tighten my grip on the toilet when he mentions those fucking lucky bastards, the ones that get to feel Maura's body against them, making her moan in pleasure and turning her into a mess after she orgasms.
I do as he tells me, and as I shove my finger down my throat and empty all the contents inside the toilet, I hear him saying "Congratulations" while he pats me on the back "Keep going…"
"I can't concentrate when you talk" I mumble after I wash my mouth.
"It's not my fault that you're stupid" he smirks at me "No wonder Dr. Isles prefers all those men…" he disappears after I shake my head in frustration and get down on my knees again.
I can't help but think about all the things he said, which are now running wildly through my head, and I keep wondering if they are true…
Maybe they're and Maura's little voice that I hear in the background telling me to stop is the villain in this story…
…maybe she's trying to manipulate me into doing what she wants, like all those times she wanted to go shopping and with just a smile I'll be more than willingly to do it.
…maybe she's a witch, casting spells at me, making me her own puppet.
But Maura doesn't believe in magic, I think.
I sigh. I don't know what to believe anymore.
I stop battling with myself and shove my finger down my throat again, once I'm done I look down and notice that I have emptied all my contents and the only thing left is blood, red crimson blood that paints the water and is everywhere.
When I try to yell, I just choke on my own blood so I stand up as fast as I can and run to stand in front of the sink.
I turn on the faucet and start to rinse my mouth, trying to wash the awful taste of blood out of it.
Panting and gripping the sink as tightly as I can, I look up and stare at my reflection, at that stranger's body that I now happen to live in.
I can't help but notice the dark rings around my eyes, how they seem empty and out of life.
Has Maura noticed them to?, I can't help but wonder.
It's not until I take a deep breath that I notice that my whole body is shaking and that there's a little spot of blood in my right cheek.
"You're still fat" my reflection says, but the voice I hear is not my own, but Hoyt's "You're so ugly, so…" which then is Maura's voice "…disgusting" those words repeat over and over, sometimes accompanied by the occasional laugh.
Hoyt's laugh. Maura's laugh.
"Shut up…" my whisper is barely audible, I close my eyes and try to keep those words out of my head but I can't, it doesn't stops.
Now, I hear my Ma's voice telling me "I never wanted to have you; I should have killed you when I had the chance. You're just a waste of space"
"Shut up" I say while trying to keep my tears at bay
"You should just kill yourself" I hear Frankie whisper in my ear "Maybe that way the world will be a better place" he starts laughing.
"Shut up!" I yell, but they don't stop "I said shut up!" I fall into the ground and put my face between my knees.
My whole body is shaking and this time I don't stop the tears that fall from my eyes, the sobs start to take over my body, and I can't stop.
My heart is beating faster and my head is pounding.
"Shut up" I murmur every once in a while and stay that way for a while.
I don't know how much time has passed and part of me doesn't care, but I can deduce that it's around 8:00 p.m. because I can hear Maura's voice coming from down the hallway –I think she's on the phone- and I can hear the music coming from the living room, signaling that Ma has come to visit.
Slowly, I stand up and take a deep breath.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
This time, I only repeat those two actions.
I stretch a little, trying to calm the pain coming from my sore muscles, I gather myself together before washing my face, trying to erase the evidence of what I just did.
Carefully, I open the door and run to my room, but on my way I clash with Maura.
"Look where you're going" she glares at me with those hazel eyes that I've come to love and hate with time, I can tell she's stressed and tired, I can't blame her for snapping at me.
"I'm sorry" I mumble before walking away, but a hand on my shoulder stops me. I raise an eyebrow, silently asking 'What's the matter?'
"You have some jelly…" she wipes something off my cheek "…here"
I freeze when I realize what she's about to do, a few seconds later she holds her thumb up for me to lick it clean.
She looks at me expectantly as I lick the "jelly" off her finger, I can't help but cringe at the taste and if she noticed, she didn't say a word.
We just stare at each other, getting lost in the other's eyes. In moments like this I forget all the pain and the anger that has settled in my chest, I can imagine that we're together and happy.
Tommy comes around the corner, breaking the trance that we were in. He smiles warmly at Maura and then smiles at me, but his smile is much colder than the one she gave to her.
I feel the jealousy burning up inside me, but I say nothing, just smile a little when Maura squeezes my hand before leaving me alone with my little brother
"Hey Janie" his voice sounds so much like Hoyt's at that moment, it makes me cringe.
"Tommy" I try to smile but the only thing that comes out is a frown, which deepens when he looks at me up and down.
"You have to be more careful with what and how you eat, we wouldn't want you getting fatter than you already are" he said before giving me of his 'fake' smiles and walking away.
I swallow the lump that was forming on my throat and run to the bathroom, locking the door before falling down to my knees in front of the toilet.
Breathe in. Breathe out. Shove finger. Throw up. Wash mouth. Repeat.
It seems like I'll be doing this all through the night.
I don't care though, because I know that in the end it'll be worth it…
…I'll be worth it.
Hope you liked it, see you soon.
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*I don't own Rizzoli & Isles (and its characters), if I did Rizzles would be canon (more than it actually is)
