Sorry for the delay guys. I want to thank all of you who read, review and follow, have a nice day, I hope you enjoy it.
All the mistakes are mine and all that jazz
TW: Suicide, Self-harm, Violence (?), eating disorders (?), addiction, and yeah.
A smoke to ease the crave
One week ago, I thought that I was going to die.
After cutting myself for God knows how long, before passing out my last coherent thought was "I love you Maura, I'm so sorry" and the last thing I heard was Hoyt's voice saying "Now we'll be together Jane, forever"
Five days ago, I woke up to the soft cries of Maura and my left hand between hers.
When I opened my eyes, Maura gasped and tightened her hold on my hand; I tried to smile but it came out as a grimace, tears started running down her face and I noticed –not for the first time- that even when she cried she looked as beautiful as ever, her eyes shined in a way that had me captivated by the pain, sadness, happiness or whichever emotion that was laced with the tears that caressed her skin.
"Please don't cry" I said to her and I regretted it the moment those words fell from my lips.
I saw her face change, she was still crying but instead of finding sadness in her eyes, I found anger and hurt, she let go of my hand and stood up.
For the first time in months I notice how tense she's and for the life of me can't recall when did my Maura became this Maura; this Maura that seems a shell of who she was-
Or maybe I'm the one who's a shell of herself? I don't know, maybe.
-Maura looks so…broken, the light that usually resided in her body is gone, she looks thinner and the clothes that usually hugged her body, showing off her assets, now seemed a little big and, strangely enough, she looked older.
Did I take her for granted? Was I too preoccupied in looking 'normal' that I overlooked the changes around me?
"Please don't cry?" Maura's angry voice pulled me out of my stupor "How can I not cry when two days ago I came home and found you bleeding out on the bathroom floor? I thought you were fine! I thought that you were getting better!"
I tried to say something but in the blink of an eye she was in front of me and punching me in the chest "You told me you were trying!" punch "You went back to work!" punch "You lied to me!" another punch "You asshole!" her punches were getting weaker each time and the sobbing started
"How could you do this to me?" this time she shoved me "How can you not see how much I care?" I wrapped my arms around her and didn't let go, hugging her tighter when she screamed "Don't touch me! Let me go!"
After a few minutes, she stopped fighting my grip and instead wrapped her arms around me, her head resting in the crook of my neck.
She cried for what seemed like hours, I ran my hand up and down her back in what I hoped to be a soothing way.
"Oh, boo hoo" Hoyt's voice made me tense instantly "You made Dr. Isles cry"
"Are you okay, Jane?" Maura asked.
Wasn't I supposed to ask her that?
"She…" Hoyt began to say but I blocked him out.
I just nodded sadly "I'm sorry" I whispered when she broke the hug
"Why?"
"Because I made you cry"
She shook her head "No, why did you do it?"
"I don't know"
"You don't know?" she scoffed and the anger that had dissipated came back with fury "You are unbelievable Jane Rizzoli!"
"Maura, I just…"
"I have been more that patient with you, staying by your side all this time, trying to help you and you just say 'I don't know'" she started pacing across the room "I…"
Why is she angry? Wasn't I supposed to be angry? Angry at her for not loving me, for leading me stray and doing God knows what with Tommy?
"…and you can't see how much I care, how much I love you"
What?
Time seemed to stop as she stared at me, her eyes connecting with mine in a way that I thought was impossible, a simple look that released a thousand butterflies in my stomach and made my heard stop.
"You love me?" I asked in a little voice.
"I love you, Jane" she sat by my side "And I just don't understand what's going on inside your head" her hand found mine "Please let me help you"
"I don't need help" I frowned at the mention of help, I didn't need anyone's help, I was fine and Maura just couldn't see that.
"We can do this the easy way or the hard way" my face must have shown my discomfort but either she didn't notice or ignored it "If you pick the easy way, we'll go to a therapist, sort everything out and no one knows about it, just you and me"
"I won't go to a therapist!" I snapped at her, retracting my hand from hers "I. AM. FINE!"
Maura took a deep breath and ignored me, again. "If you pick the hard way, I'll leave Jane" my heart clenched and a tear streamed down my face "I don't care if it kills me, but I just can't stand seeing you like this"
I shake my head as I roll it around my fingers, it feels different…but it was a good different.
Hoyt said that tobacco wouldn't do it for me anymore –yes, I had started smoking, Tommy said it would help me relax and the stress would leave my body in the blink of an eye.
But the relief I felt every time I took a drag would slowly disappear.
I believed him, so I searched for other alternatives.
They list of things I could smoke was long, but the one that is currently in my hands seemed the best option, or so he said.
I look at him and notice that he seems excited, he nods and says "Do it, it will help you"
I know better than to disobey him, so I take a drag; I choke and start coughing, he gives me a look that clearly says 'Again' and even if my throat is dry, I take another drag.
This time, I feel better…more confident and alert. I feel as if I could go outside and stay awake all through the night.
"Good girl" Hoyt grins before propping himself up and sitting on the table.
I can't help but smile at the compliment; this is exactly what I needed.
Thank God Maura is at the grocery store right now, she'd have a fit if she found me smoking.
"Why do you care if she has a fit?" Hoyt asks
"Because she stayed" he rolls his eyes at me "and I want to be better"
"Let me guess, you want to be worthy of her love" he frowns "Just keep smoking"
The smoke that is coming out of my mouth and nose is slowly making my eyes blurry, I can only see from where I'm standing to the fridge- scratch that, I can only see him now. He is grinning like a Cheshire cat and inciting me to continue.
"What is this?" I ask with a frown on my face
"Crack cocaine" Hoyt answers before taking a drag, it's now that I notice that he has a pipe in his hands.
I never knew something could taste and make me feel this good. I feel as if a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, I start feeling hot-it's so hot that I take off my shirt.
"Nice boobs" he mocks me, and I'm about to answer him when I hear another voice saying "If I knew I would have to stare at you for a prolonged amount of time, I'd have bring a blindfold so I wouldn't have to see your stupid and gross body"
Little by little the voices increase, they laugh at me, they mock me.
My body starts trembling, I don't know if it's because of the anger or the crack.
Trying to calm myself, I start opening and closing my hands, the scars hurt as if I had just gotten them.
I take a step closer to them- to the army of Hoyt's that came out of nowhere- I can hear my heart beating faster and faster at each step I take…I wonder if they can hear it too.
I face the Hoyt closer to me first, and before I know it my fist is up in the air, but instead of landing in his face, it lands on the wall; I can hear a crack but I can't feel the pain.
I can hear some laughs and it's all it takes to make me lunge at them.
I kick, I punch, tears streaming down my face.
I yell, they laugh, and they're everywhere.
Suddenly, I'm falling down; I try to brace myself from the fall but I can't…my body isn't responding to my commands.
I can't breathe, my body is shaking, and now they're looking down at me, some of them –the ones that look so much like Maura- are worried, others –the Tommy's- are laughing and the rest are just smiling.
Then I see his face, Hoyt's face, he's looking at me and I try to yell at him, but the only thing that comes out of my mouth is a cough.
I turn my face a little and I see the pipe that I was using a few inches away from me, I try to grab it but someone kicks it away before I can do it.
I look back at him, he's smiling and I can see his lips moving, he's saying something but I can't hear him; I don't have time to panic before everything goes black.
Hope you liked it, see you soon.
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*I don't own Rizzoli & Isles (and its characters), if I did Rizzles would be canon (more than it actually is)
Ps. If you want a more fluffy (is that the word?) and less dramatic/angsty/sad Rizzles fic, go check out my new fic Color Me Surprised
