Jace's POV
"Jace?" I felt Clary's body stir. Her fingers were gently running along my arm. Her voice was crystal clear, not like when she was talking in her sleep. Had another minute gone by I would have been completely got, but her voice woke me like an alarm clock. I tightened my arms around her.
"Clary?" She took a deep breath.
"Why didn't you call me after you read my letter?"
"What letter?"
"The letter I wrote you. I left it in your book. Just a couple pages away from where you left your book mark. You said you read all the time while you're here. I saw you had taken your book back. Did you not read yesterday?"
"No I read a lot yesterday. I never saw a letter." Clary was pulling out of my arms and the next thing I know the light on the night stand was on and Clary was grabbing my book off of the night stand and flipping through it.
"It's not here." Her voice was disappointed. She climbed out of bed and walked to the door.
"Where are you going?" I called after her as I climbed out of bed to follow her. She talked while I followed her to her room.
"I wrote that letter this morning in my room while I was waiting for Izzy to get out the shower. I got everything I wanted to say just right. Maybe the letter fell out of the book somehow. I need to find that letter." She walked into her room and flipped on the light switch. I was getting a little nervous at the desperation in her voice.
"Just tell me what's in the letter." She was shaking her head.
"I…It helps you know. Sometimes I have trouble saying the words, so I put them down on paper. It's easier for me. I just need you to read the letter." She started looking under the bed and around the night stand. Sure enough from behind the night stand she pulled out a piece of paper folded four times with writing all over it.
"Here." She said as she handed me the letter. I looked down at it and back to her.
"You want me to read this? Now?" She looked exasperated.
"No. I wanted you to read this earlier. Come on." She walked across the room and I followed her out the door, turning off the light and closing the door behind me. We walked back to my room, closing my door behind us, and sat on the bed next to each other with our legs hanging over the edge. Clary folded her hands in her lap and looked apprehensive as she bit on her bottom lip nervously.
"Read it?" She said it like a question. I opened the letter. It was actually three full size pages double sided. Rather small hand writing, but very neat and clear. I swallowed hard.
"It's long." I mumbled. She nodded. I started to read.
Jace,
First I want to start off by telling you I'm in love with you…
I stopped reading and looked over at Clary stunned. She had never told me she loved me. She told me she loved me at one time and I broke her heart, but she never told me she was in love with me now. I was temporarily frozen as several things flashed through my mind. Keep reading, tell her I love her too, grab onto her for dear life and crash my lips into hers. She smiled.
"Please keep reading." She said softly and continued biting her lip. I hesitantly returned to the letter.
If you believe nothing else from this letter, please believe I love you. I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry it took me this long to admit I love you, admit it to you, and to myself really. I'm sorry it took me this long to get back to you and I'm sorry for how I acted Sunday night and Monday. It's no excuse, but I'm completely irrational when I'm sleep deprived.
This isn't a Dear John letter so you know. I'm not going to tell you everything and then walk away. I want to be with you. I just don't know if when I'm done with this letter you'll still want to be with me. Why a letter? Why not in person? Well you tend to get a temper sometimes and that ignites my own temper and I don't want this to turn into a yelling match, or me just giving up and not getting this all off my chest. My therapist, I'll get to why I'm in therapy later, well she was the one that got me on the letter writing. It helps. Sometimes the words are easier to write than they are to say. I want you to know what's going on with me. I want to be completely open and honest with you about everything. I just have trouble finding the right words when I look into your eyes. Please read all the way through. When you're done, when you're ready, please call me. I plan on making myself scarce for the day, giving you time to process everything, but I'll come back, whenever you're ready to talk. Please just call and I'll come back.
Her letter went on to talk about how she knew Raphael in further detail. How she thought he cared for her and she had started to care for him, but when she found out he was sleeping with other girls she felt he had played her, but in reality she wasn't being fair to him. She hadn't agreed to be exclusive, and she wasn't that experienced in dating and she was just really surprised and hurt. She felt bad about how she acted towards him, not just at the end, but at Panera Bread, and she didn't want to leave things the way she had, so yesterday they had sent a couple text back and forth to clear the air.
She apologized for what happened with Sebastian, going into much more detail than I ever wanted to know. She explained what Sebastian had told her about me and Kaelie. How she was confused and upset and used poor judgment. She said after tennis, Sebastian had left a long voicemail message for her. He had explained how he and Kaelie were dating, but they made a really messed up pair. They were more like swingers, they dated each other, but other people at the same time. He had told Clary Kaelie was a very close friend, the only person he really cared about, but he was really talking about Aline. He told Clary that though some of what he had told her the other night was true, most of it was embellished. He had agreed to help Kaelie sabotage any chance of a relationship Clary and I could have. Sebastian and Kaelie had devised a big scheme working multiple angles. Kaelie was even willing to fake being pregnant just to screw with us. After Sebastian met Jessie though, something changed. He really liked Jessie, he cared about her, and that was something he never really experienced before, and started to feel bad for what he was doing to Clary. Even though he had known Kaelie for a long time, they were always deceitful, not just with the people they played, but with each other. He finally realized things could be different with the right girl. He needed to let Clary know what was going on. He needed to try to make amends. He also felt necessary to mention he and Aline never slept together, even though he alluded to the fact they did. He just slept in her room. He didn't want Clary to have the wrong opinion of Aline, though Aline was friends with Kaelie, she wasn't anything like her.
She wrote about how she had known Kaelie since second grade. They had been best friends and then around eighth grade they had a bad falling out. Clary always thought she was unattractive with her red hair, all knees and elbows, but Kaelie was always so pretty. Through eighth grade and freshman year of high school, before Clary transferred, Kaelie made it a game to focus all her attention on any guy Clary expressed an interest in. One after another Clary watched Kaelie date and often sleep with guys Clary liked, guys she went out with. That's why Clary was pretty sure when we played tennis that Kaelie would divert her attention to Jem if even for a second Kaelie thought Clary might have an interest in him.
Clary went on to explain that at the club she had talked to Bat and Eric about setting them up with friends of hers that she thought they would get along with, that they seemed to have similar interests as, and that is why she took their numbers. She specifically didn't want to get flack from Izzy and Maia, so she let them believe what they wanted to. Clary text her other friends, prospect dates for Eric and Bat, while she was still at the club and that's why she ripped up the numbers when she got back to the cottage. She didn't need them anymore.
Will on the other hand, he had thought I was the spitting image of pictures he had of an uncle that had a falling out with the family over twenty years ago. Clary told him my last name was Wayland and it must be a coincidence, but she took Will's number and he said if she called him he'd email her pictures of his uncle and she said she'd ask me about it. When she saw the name on the inscription of my book this morning, she was more then interested in talking to me about following up on Will's speculation or more specifically William Herondale's speculation. She couldn't believe it was just a coincidence that Will's name was the same exact name as was in my book. However, she wanted to talk to me first, she wasn't sure where I got the book from, or how I would take the theory that Will could actually be my cousin. She wasn't sure if I knew where I even got the book from. She played with ideas such as perhaps my father, Michael, had changed his name at some point.
She went on to say she would make herself scarce all day. She had tentative plans to follow-up on some of her matchmaking prospects. She didn't want me to get upset or worried if I heard she was out with Will, Jem, Bat, Eric, or even Sebastian or Ray (Raphael as I had been introduced to him by). She wasn't interested in them, she wasn't on dates. She was trying to set Ray up with Aline, because Clary really didn't think he was a bad guy and Aline wasn't really the girl Clary thought she was either. Aline wanted to be an actress, and Ray loved acting as a hobby. She thought that would be a good common interest. She was trying to set-up Eric with a musically talented friend of hers Sheila and Bat with her equestrian friend Jaida Jones. She felt for Sebastian and decided she would do what she could to help him with Jessie, making sure Jem had a little background on Sebastian, just incase he still wasn't being as honest as he could be. She was planning on introducing Will to her old acquaintance Tessa at Kaelie's bonfire. Tessa had gone to the same high school as Kaelie and Clary and she was pretty sure Tessa would be going to the bonfire if she was in the area. Clary was currently looking for somebody for Jem, and even joked to let her know if I could think of anybody.
She wrote about how afraid she was that when I go back to school we'd lose touch, and how she couldn't bear the thought of that happening to us. She went on to speculate options somewhat crazily, how often we could fly to each other, should she move closer to the university, maybe we really could get a place together, even with separate rooms, she didn't want to make it seem like she was asking to move in together, she fretted it sounded like she was suggesting too much, too quick. She worried for several sentences before she moved on.
At the end of the letter she talked about her mother and step-father's car accident. What happened and how much it affected her. How Simon had gone through something similar when his father died and he convinced her to start going to therapy. She was still going weekly ever since shortly after the accident. She talked about Alec, Izzy, Simon, and Maia and how even though she knew they were all trying to be helpful, she hated that they were all treating her differently. They walked on egg shells around her and it was driving her crazy. She had tried telling them to treat her like they use to, but they just weren't. She was happy I didn't act any different around her and she was afraid if she told me about the accident I would treat her the same way everybody else had been. The accident was hard on her, but how differently everybody had treated her, how protective everybody had become, that had been the hardest part.
The letter seemed to go on forever.
When I first got here I was looking for something to do to keep me out of the cottage, keep me away from you, and keep my mind off you. With our crazy turbulent relationship we've had over the last two years, I just always found it hard to be around you. I know I always loved you deep down and I felt you broke my heart after you kissed me on my sixteenth birthday and then just walked out of my life without so much as an explanation of why. You never told me why you were avoiding me, why you wouldn't talk to me, or go near me. You teased me and tormented me like I was just your sister's silly little friend. I thought for so long that you didn't care at all about me and I was in love with you. I was so hurt that the feelings I felt for you could be so strong yet unrequited. I tried to stop feeling the way I felt, ignore my feelings, but I just couldn't. Every time I was around you, every time I heard your voice, every time somebody said your name, my heart would flutter and then break a little more all over again. I know you explained it all to me when we were horseback riding, I don't want you to reassure me again, and I'm not bringing this up to make you feel bad. I just want you to know it was a bit much to absorb everything you had said to me the other day, a bit much for me to believe you loved me, when for so long I was sure you didn't, when for so long my heart broke a little more every time I thought of you.
Lastly, I want you to understand that I'm not intentionally avoiding you or interested in any of these guys I'm hanging out with. When we went out to the club Saturday night, when I was talking to Bat, I realized he sounded perfect for my horseback riding friend Jaida, and then all my coupling ideas just spiraled from there. By the time we got back from the club I had things in motion for Bat and Eric and I wanted to see them through. Some more stuff came up Monday with tennis, but I have a lot of possible things I'm working on today. At first I was hoping I could pull a fast one by Izzy and Maia, make them think I was dating these guys after I got their numbers. They always try to set me up, terrible matchmakers those two. Anyway, I figured it would keep them off my back for a little while if they actually thought I was going on dates, though that didn't happen. Simon knows Eric too well and Maia and Jordan are really close friends with Bat, so they've already begun to figure out what I'm doing. Actually it might work out alright. I think they might be helpful. I can't help myself, I like to play matchmaker. Terrible vice I have. You probably know I set-up Alec and Magnus, as well as Izzy and Simon.
Anyway, thank you for being so patient with me and giving me the space and time I needed to think. Sorry if I rambled on too much, just wanted to get this all straightened out. I'm sure there are a lot more things I could write about, but Izzy will be back soon so I'll stop here. I look forward to hearing from you, hopefully soon.
I am sorry and I hope you can forgive me.
Most importantly, I love you very much Jace.
I took a deep breath as I folded the letter back up and looked over at her. She was looking down at her folded hands. It had taken me a while to read the whole thing, about a half hour. I had a mix of feelings, but right now I was emotionally exhausted, but happy.
"So are we good? You'll stop trying to push me away." I asked softly. She laughed quietly, but uncomfortably and nodded.
"Yes." I smiled.
"Promise?" She laughed again still somewhat uncomfortable.
"I promise." I reached over and wrapped my arms around her and pulled her close to me, tucking her under my chin. She wrapped her arms around my waist and I held her like that for several minutes while neither one of us said anything. I kissed her hair and rocked her gently. It was late around 1:30. I was pretty exhausted and I was sure she had to be too.
"Let's go to sleep. We can talk about all this tomorrow." She nodded against my chest. I detached myself to turn off the light. The room had cooled down a lot over the last forty-five minutes or so, so I opted to shut the window, as well as the shade. We both crawled into bed. As though we had done it every night forever, as I laid down next to her in bed, facing her, she quickly nuzzled her face into my bare chest and I reflexively wedged my arm between her body and the bed and pulled her closer to me. I kissed her hair and tucked her under my chin, holding her the way I had wanted to hold her since I had seen Alec holding her this very same way. She fit perfectly in my arms.
