Chapter 32: Jake: These Hands

I woke up, my eyes still closed, my head groggy and pounding worse than it ever had before. I knew that I drank before going to bed last night but this was something else. I rolled over to where my nightstand normally was where I kept my headache meds but as I did I felt a body next to me, a warm, seemingly naked body. Still confused and hungover I opened my eyes, when I did this I nearly jumped up. Lying next to me was Cassie, completely naked, with sweat and I could only guess what rolling down her body.

Please don't let that be what I think it is, I thought to myself, standing up as carefully as I could in order to not wake her up. I looked around me, still confused, I was in the hayloft in her barn, but I didn't remember coming here, and I definitely didn't remember sleeping with her. I'm pretty sure that I would if we did sleep together but there's really no other reason why we'd be lying next to each other naked, so we must have slept together. I looked at her as she slept, she looked so peaceful, trying to decide whether not I should wake her up, the sun was already coming up, she needed to get up for school. School. I thought, I hadn't been there in weeks, too much there to remind me of Tom and Cassie, that's why I didn't go. I bent over to shake her awake when my eye caught something that brought back memories of the night before, red marks on her wrists. I looked at them, I could see that they were bruised, bruised from me holding her down, holding her down, forcing her to have sex with me as she told me no. I staggered back, feeling like I had just been hit by a truck. I had forced her to sleep with me, she tried to make me stop but I didn't. Then the realization hit me, I had raped her, she told me to stop and I didn't, that was rape. I quickly pulled my hand away from her, grabbed my pants, underwear and shoes, I couldn't find my jacket hoodie that I wore last night, but it didn't matter, I had to get out of there. Before I left I passed by the medicine table and grabbed a couple of bottles of the painkillers that I had seen last night and stuffed them in my pockets, as I ran out of her barn and away from her.

Xxxxx

On the way home the memories of last night returned. I remembered everything that happened, everything that she said. How she told me of what that guy tried to do to her, and how I reminded her of him. He had tried to rape her but I'm the one that actually did. I felt like a monster. On my way home I popped a few of the painkillers, careful as to not take too many and knock myself out before I got home. I got a few strange looks from people driving to work because I was walking down the street without a shirt, some guy in a suit at the bus stop asked if I needed money for clothes, I told him that I left my shirt at someone's house, he looked at me for a seconds before smiling and saying that he knew how that was, sometimes you just gotta get out of there as fast as possible. He had no idea. Before I went any further I stopped by an abandoned house where we all stashed some extra street clothes, I quickly grabbed another shirt and headed home.

I got home as my parents were leaving for work. Before now I would have been grounded until I was eighteen if they caught me doing this but for the last couple weeks they hadn't cared when I got home. I never said more than a word or so. I didn't want to in fear of telling them what actually happened and guilt that they would blame me for Tom's death. I walked past them, saying nothing. From the look in my dad's eye I could tell that he knew I was hungover, but that wasn't a shock for him anymore, I showed up drunk or hungover almost everyday now.

"Jake, honey," My mom said as she walked up to me. "Are you okay? Where were you last night? We were worried."

I said nothing as I walked past her and headed towards the kitchen to grab some food before I went upstairs to sleep off the hangover.

I quickly ate the leftover pizza from last night and chugged down a bottle of water as I listened to my parents talk outside.

"We need to do something about him," My mom said, worry in her voice. "He just came home hungover, and we didn't do anything about it."

"I know how you feel, dear," My dad said. "But I don't think that there's anything that we can do. We already tried talking to him and getting him a therapist but he refused to talk to him so he quit. Jake blames himself for Tom's death, along with that boy who attacked them, I can't even begin to imagine what's going on inside his head right now. You've heard him, he's woken up every night for the last few weeks screaming that he killed them."

"I know." My mom said. "But I still think that we need to try to help him."

Help? I thought, I don't need any help. What I need is for Tom to come back to me.

My parents left after a few minutes, still worried about me. I just sat on my bed trying to not explode from everything that had happened. I looked down to my hands, I had held her down with these hands. I had forced her to have sex with me with these hands. I had raped her with these hands. Furious with myself I started grabbing everything around and throwing them against the wall, screaming.

After I calmed down I looked around my room, I had completely trashed it, my desk was flipped over and beer and water bottles had let several dents in the wall. I walked over to my mini fridge, grabbed a new can of beer, chugged it and took some more painkillers before passing out on my bed, empty can in my hand.