Clary's POV
I stopped at the first fast food parking lot I came across and did the best I could with my hair and make-up. I ordered a coffee and a plain bagel. I was exhausted and hungry. I drove the twenty-five minute drive following the GPS. I parked the car outside the large estate on the side of the road. I got out of my car and walked over to the large black double gates. I took a deep breath as I range the buzzer. I was already debating turning around. There was a reason I had never come here before. There was a reason I had only looked into the eyes of this man once in my life. I always questioned if there was any truth in my mother's concerns. I took a deep breath and tried to shake my apprehension. Jace threatened to put Sebastian in a body bag if he ever touched me again, but I wasn't concerned that Jace was some psycho corrupt person, and if coincidently Sebastian were to die tomorrow, I wouldn't immediately jump to the conclusion that Jace killed him.
The cameras must have seen me, because no person prompted me for my name or my reason for coming, but the gate opened and closed silently behind me. I walked up the long driveway. There were massive manicured gardens to the right and left filling the air with the smell of flowers and freshly cut grass. There were a number of decorative sculptures and statues throughout the gardens as well, several appeared to be of Greek gods. The house was very large, more of a mansion than a house. It was red brick and based on the green vines twisting and crawling up the side, I'd say the house was rather old. There were very ornate doors with large round knockers. As I reached for the door, it opened and I was taken back as two rather large men, completely dressed in black, came into view. A voice spoke from behind them.
"Well do come in Miss." The voice was polite and formal, but unfamiliar. The two men moved to the sides and flanked me as I walked about twenty feet through the foyer and into a sitting room. An older stout man with gray hair and glasses stood before me with a light brown suit. I knew I was among people that were accustomed to being treated formally, I would attempt to address them as such.
"Sir." I nodded.
"Is there something I can help you with Miss?" The man in the brown suit questioned. The other two men at my side almost seemed to act as though they were my shadows the way they stood so close.
"Yes. I'm here to see Mr. Valentine Morgenstern." I smiled sweetly.
"Is he expecting you Miss?"
"No. I'm afraid I have come unannounced."
"You'll need to call again another day Miss. Mr. Morgenstern is a very busy man."
"I assure you this will take but a moment of his time. If you could please inform him Ms. Clary Gar-…Fray…Ms. Clary Fray is here to see him."
"I'm sorry Miss. I will not bother Mr. Morgenstern for a young woman that has come without an appointment." I nodded. I knew I had heard Simon say Jonathan Morgenstern, that's why I was here in the first place, so maybe he was home.
"Is Mr. Jonathan Morgenstern at the residence at this time?"
"I'm afraid I cannot say. You'll need to call again Miss."
"I shall wait until I can be seen. I am a patient woman." I gave him a fake smile.
"If you do not leave on your own accord Miss. I will have you removed from the premises." His voice sounded more stern than it had before.
"If my presence was so disagreeable, you should not have opened the gate."
"I shall call the police Miss."
"I'm inclined to think you won't. However, they tend not to get involved in these sorts of matters, but please don't let me stop you."
"Thank you. Please call again." The man in the tan suit said firmly and jerked his chin to one of the men to my side. A hand reached out and grabbed my arm harshly yanking me back. Before I could even think to react there was a small clearing of a throat from behind, hardly noticeable, but the man with his hand on my arm froze completely still.
"If you touch the girl again, you will lose that hand. Now apologize to the child." I had only talked to my father briefly at my mother's funeral, but his voice was very discernable. He sounded calm and cold.
"My deepest apologies Miss." The man on my side said as he quickly dropped my arm and took a step away from me. I turned around to see my father. He was wearing an expensive looking navy blue pinstripe suit. He had short perfectly styled toe blonde hair that almost looked white. Besides the otherwise calm demeanor, his eyes looked like raw fury and he was looking right at the man that had grabbed at my arm. The man took a couple more steps away before my father redirected his gaze to me.
"I find it rather arduous to retain decent bodyguards." My father said as he covered the distance between us. He gently placed his hand on my shoulder and lightly kissed my cheek. He took a step back and looked at me thoughtfully, but calculating, as though he were gauging my reaction. I tried to give him a warm smile. Not that I had a strong feeling one way or another about my father, but he was my father and he didn't know I existed for the first eighteen years of my life. I felt like I should give him a chance.
"Clarissa, I can't tell you how pleased I am that you have decided to come." Though the words were kind, his voice did not hold the slightest amount of warmth. I could see what my mother was talking about when she said he wasn't an affectionate man. You can say all the right things, but if you don't put feeling behind them, they are just pretty words. As though noticing my necklace for the first time he reached down and scooped it up in his hand gently and examined it for a brief moment before dropping it.
"How very becoming." He said evenly. I smiled.
"Come let's sit in the library. Do you like tea?" I nodded.
"Starkweather. Do have Bridget bring us some tea and scones." The man in the brown suit inclined his head and walked away. He must be Starkweather. My father offered me his arm and I took it gently. He led me through a few halls covered with large murals until we reached the library. He dropped my arm and waited until I was seated before he took a seat across from me. I sat up straight and crossed my ankles, like a lady. My mother may have feared my father wasn't the man he made himself out to be, but she never feared he'd harm her. Well at least not while she was married to him. As long as I respected him, I felt I shouldn't fear him.
"Well, Clarissa Adele Morgenstern. Now, what is it that brings you here today Dear? Would it be correct to assume this isn't merely a social call?" I nodded.
"Mr. Morgenstern, there was a recent event which led to a turn of unfortunate circumstances for a dear friend of mine. I have reason to believe that your son, Jonathan and some of his acquaintances may have information as to what transpired. I simply request his council and if he has the capability, I request his assistance in rectifying the mishap." He nodded.
"Clarissa, you know you are free to call me father." I gave a weak smile.
"It may take some getting use to Sir. I had a father, and you were not he."
"Not really the reception I was hoping for. However, I am not an unreasonable man. I presume you are referring to Luke Garroway. I read your mother's obituary. I knew him well. He was Jonathan's godfather in fact. Although, when I knew him he went by Lucian Graymark, but that's really neither here nor there. He was a close acquaintance of your mother's and mine. Why is it that you use the surname Fray, while your mother and Luke both used the surname Garroway?" I swallowed hard.
"I don't Sir. My surname was Fray until I was sixteen, when my mother married Luke. I changed my surname to Garroway, but misspoke at the funeral. I didn't think you would recognize the name Garroway today seeing as I had introduced myself as Fray when last we met." He nodded.
"Understandable My Dear…Is it correct to assume this dear friend you speak of is a young man?" I didn't even respond before the corner of his lip curled ever so slightly.
"I see it is. It's written all over your face…Well regarding your request; there are a couple of complications that come to mind. How is it that you came to be aware of Jonathan, or rather his connection to this unfortunate circumstance?" I smiled politely. Telling him I heard this by eavesdropping and I wasn't sure of the validity of it, didn't seem like a good idea.
"Sir a lady does not divulge all of her secrets." He raised an eyebrow. Unsurprisingly, he did not seem entirely pleased with my response. He didn't respond to my comment as Bridget, I'm guessing anyway, brought in a plate with some tea and scones. He poured and offered me tea, which I took, but I passed on the scone.
"Now Clarissa. I only wish to know a bit more about this mishap that you believe Jonathan to be a party to. How am I supposed to assist you if you do not corporate with me?" I opted to do what Jace often does and answer his question with a question.
"How is it that Jonathan is alive Sir? I was under the impression he died when he was very young." There was the slightest flash of hostility across his face that quickly disappeared. The level of disrespect I was showing him was quite obviously angering him.
"Hmm…Although you may look just like your mother, perhaps you are more like your father than I first gave your credit. I listened to your interactions with my head of security a moment ago. You have a strong will. Your speech and your mannerisms show a certain level of determination. I find you would make a very nice addition to the household. Your mother has passed away Clarissa. Come live with me. You have no reason to stay attached to the commoners." I suppressed a laugh.
"A very kind offer Sir, but I must decline…If you were listening to my interactions with your head of security, may I ask why you didn't interject?" Another brief flash of irritation and he was composed.
"I might ask why you didn't declare yourself as my daughter, however I have not." He said sternly.
"You could have a very comfortable life here Clarissa. You would never want for anything. I do wish you'd reconsider." His words were much gentler, however that gave me no reassurance.
"I am quite content with my simple life Sir." He nodded.
"I see…Jonathan is having a birthday celebration at the residence Friday evening as a matter-of-fact. You are cordially invited to attend. This is a formal event and you will be expected to dress as such. I would very much like to arrange for a gown to be sent, if you would accept such a token of my esteem. Perhaps even a handful of the family jewels to be lent to you, though I would expect their return. You may bring one guest. You may seek council with your brother at that time. However, he knows nothing of you. So if you choose to walk into his world, be prepared to deal with the consequences." I furrowed my eyebrows.
"Sir?"
"I cannot guarantee he will hold any esteem for you whatsoever. Jonathan seems to lack any resemblance of sincere compassion. He will make a great successor to me one day, but his social interactions leave much to be desired. You are free to seek his council. I will make arrangements so that you are permitted to enter the grounds and the residence; however I will not speak to him beforehand on your behalf or make him aware of your attendance. You may choose to approach him as a curious stranger or as his sister, the choice is yours. His reception to that choice, you shall see. Now, Clarissa there is something I shall be requiring of you in return." I nodded hesitantly.
"Sir?"
"You are a Morgenstern Clarissa. You may take a less respectable surname, but you are a Morgenstern by blood. I shall wish to see you assume your position within the family. You may not desire the life I offer you, but it is the life you were born to lead. If you choose to come to the festivities I request that it be as guest of honor. I should like to introduce you to my associates as my daughter. If you choose not to honor my wishes, you may still come to the festivities, but I will consider your attendance as merely a business arrangement. As a business associate I will expect compensation; I will be requiring the return of that ring." He inclined his head and redirected his eyes towards the ring I wore around my neck and reflexively I reached for it with my hand and held it.
"Why is it that you gave me this ring if you were just going to request it back?" There was a grim curl to his lips.
"I forget how regrettably lax your upbringing must have been. The Morgenstern family ring is a distinctive personal signature, a sign of personal stature. The ring attests the authority of its bearer. It is a symbol of great power. It commands respect from others. As my daughter you have every right to possess such a significant object. Think of this ring much like one might think of an engagement ring, it symbolizes a binding contact. This ring indicates its bearer is a member of the Morgenstern family. If you choose to deny your heritage, deny your surname, then you shall return the ring. Assume your place as my daughter and be treated with the highest regard, or come to the party as a mere business associate and relinquish the ring. Either way you may have an audience with Jonathan."
"Couldn't somebody just make a counterfeit ring Sir?" He smiled, but it was a very sinister smile.
"No My Dear. That would not be wise at all, but I would love somebody to try." I swallowed hard and nodded. I put down my half full tea cup and stood; he stood responsively.
"Thank you Sir." I took a step.
"Clarissa." I stopped and looked over at him.
"Sir?"
"As my daughter you will not only have my ear and my protection always, you will be greatly respected by all those around you. As a business associate you have but one piece in this chess game My Dear. Think carefully before you choose to cash it in. The young man may not be worth the value of that which you will lose." With that he turned on his heels and walked out of the library with the two men dressed in black behind him. I turned my attention back to Starkweather.
"Come with me." He said abruptly. I followed Starkweather to the foyer where he showed me out. He exchanged no other words with me. I walked down the long driveway and pressed the release on the gate, effectively leaving the property. I released a breath I hadn't realized I was holding.
I was definitely starting to feel my mother's uneasiness was for a valid reason. Now I had to decide if I wanted to voluntarily walk into the secretive world my mother left 19 years ago, or if I wanted to turn my back on that world forever and give up the only bargaining chip I had, a ring. Of course, I could attempt to keep the ring to be bartered at a later date, but I had a feeling Jonathan was the key to everything going on, and if I wanted to get to Jonathan, it appeared I only had two choices.
I hadn't even spent an hour at the estate. I drove right back to the cottage. Jordan's SUV was back, but luckily nobody was up and about. I grabbed a butter knife from the kitchen and picked the lock to my room. I locked the door behind me. I put my purse on the bureau and quickly changed out of what I was wearing and put on a dark blue satin slip. I laid down under the blankets and finally tried to get some sleep.
Jace's POV
I walked down the hall to Clary's room. I opened her door. I walked into her room and shut and locked the door behind me. I leaned back against the door, my arms hanging at my sides and looked over at her. I half expected her to shout, throw something at me, hit me, but she didn't. She was sitting on the bed, up against the headboard. Her arms were wrapped around her bent legs, her chin resting on her knees. She was wearing black terrycloth shorts and a black tank top. I wondered absentmindedly if it was to mirror her mood. She looked up at me with blank eyes. She didn't speak, she just gazed at me. Tears were slowly streaming down her face. Her hair was down and curls were flowing down her back and falling forward over her shoulders and arms. The tears in her eyes made her green eyes that much brighter. She wasn't wearing make-up so there were no smudges of mascara. The way she was looking at me though, like all the love had left her, there was no affection in her eyes. There was no hate in her eyes either. In the balance of life there is no love without hate, no good without evil, and no pleasure without pain. If I want the love, the good, and the pleasure, I knew I would have to bear the hate, the evil, and the pain. I would have preferred if she screamed at me, if she showed that much emotion, at least I would know she still cared enough to be that passionate. Right now she looked drained and lost. I knocked the back of my head against her door twice and then rested it back and closed my eyes. I took a deep breath.
"I want to start by asking you to forgive me." I said softly and opened my eyes. Clary was holding her hand out to me. I rushed to her side and took it in mine and kissed her knuckles.
"I am so sorry Clary." I said softly. She smiled and nodded.
"Just kiss me Jace." She whispered. Still holding her hand, I placed my other one on the back of her neck as I crushed my lips to hers. She pulled her hand from mine and snaked her arms around my neck. She slid herself forward on the bed and leaned back as I led her head to the pillows. My body immediately covered hers as our lips eagerly intensified the kiss. With all of the stress and fear that I might lose her I had an overwhelming need to be as close to her as I could be. In a frantic blur her hands reached for the hem of my shirt and mine reached for the hem of hers. I pulled her tank top up and over her head as she did the same to my shirt. Without any thought or hesitation I had unsnapped Clary's bra and removed it, throwing it across the room. Our hands feverishly explored each other's bodies. Her hands reached for my shorts and I quickly assisted her with removing them and then hers. Our lips and naked bodies hungrily attempted to quench a deep down desire.
I was jolted awake by the sound of my phone ringing. I smashed a pillow to my face and yelled into it. It was all a fucking dream. I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself down. I sat up. I had missed the call. I grabbed my phone and played my voicemail.
Hey this is Nate. I'm Tessa's brother. I was looking for Clary. I found Will's cell phone at the party last night and I know she's good friends with him. I tried calling her number first, but it went straight to voicemail. I talked to Clary last night so I know you're her boyfriend, thought maybe you could just give her a message. Tell her I have the phone and she can give me a call back and I'll meet her wherever whenever works for her and drop it off. Thanks.
He rattled off his number at the end of the call. I couldn't see why he had to give the phone to Clary. I could get it to Will just as easily. I sent Nate a text telling him the address of the cottage and saying he could stop by any time today. I didn't plan on going out anyway.
I crashed back against my pillows and rubbed my hands over my face. I couldn't stand this. It could take me forever to figure out what happened last night. I couldn't wait. I wanted to be with Clary now. Not that I wanted to have sex with her now, well I did want to have sex with her now, but more than that I just wanted to hold her and know she forgave me. I would just lay everything on the line. I thought I would sort things out first, but it might not be that easy. If I waited, I feared Clary would be gone, she would go home. I couldn't believe I would really have slept with Seelie. I loved Clary too much. I felt deep down like this had to be a set up, or maybe I just wasn't willing to admit I could do something this terrible, I don't know. Even if I could find some way to prove I was set up and figure out who was behind this, Sebastian, Kaelie, whoever, I wasn't so sure I could just beat a confession out of the person, and even if I could, it's possible they wouldn't know if Seelie and I actually had sex. I wasn't sure how much that mattered either way right now.
Clary had told me she would have forgiven me if I had just told her the truth. Well I didn't know what to tell her, that's the only reason I didn't tell her anything at all. I wasn't sure what seemed worse, that I might have gotten insanely drunk and slept with Seelie, or that I didn't tell Clary when I had the chance to. There could be a lot of things that went on last night, maybe I was at fault for some of this, maybe I was at fault for all of this, maybe I'd never really know what happened, I wasn't sure.
Part of me knew it made sense to give Clary time to cool off. I had a strong feeling that the smart thing to do would be to take a few days to figure out what I could before I tried to fix things with Clary. Though, I had no idea if I would really ever find out what happened, and then I would just be wasting the time I was searching for answers. The only thing I felt like I knew for sure was, if I left Clary alone right now, she'd build up those walls I had worked so hard earlier in the week to take down. If I tried to figure out what happened, no matter what I found out, I knew I would still fight as hard as I could to get Clary to forgive me, to take me back. I needed to apologize. I needed to ask for her forgiveness, to beg for her forgiveness. I needed her to know I was so sorry, for everything. I needed her to know I loved her. I needed her to know I was committed to her. I needed to hold her and protect her from Sebastian and anybody else that came along in her life and tried to lay a hand on her.
I looked over at the clock, it was 1:32. I only got two hours of broken sleep, but I couldn't go back to sleep now. I climbed out of bed and left my room. I walked to Alec's room and turned the doorknob slowly. It was locked. I really wanted to get the ring back out of his bureau, but I wasn't going to wake him. I really didn't want to deal with his reaction right now. I turned back towards Clary's room and walked down the hall.
Part of me was saying this was a very bad idea. I was overtired and maybe this wasn't even in the same ballpark as practical. I tended to be a bit impulsive at times, and this definitely seemed like one of those times. I couldn't bear the thought that I just shattered the heart of the only girl I ever loved, the girl I wanted to marry. I had to figure out how to put her back together again. Even if she didn't want anything to do with me, I still wanted her to be happy, and right now she was so miserable. Simon told me to speak from the heart, and my heart was filled with love for Clary. I knew Clary loved me. Even if she was deeply hurt and felt betrayed, she wouldn't be so heartbroken if she didn't love me so much. Love doesn't just stop in a heartbeat, when your heart breaks; it takes time to fade as your heart heals.
I was going to appeal to Clary's love for me and hope it was strong enough. Of course this wasn't really the proposal I was shooting for, but I just felt like I had to do this now. If I could just prove to her I loved her, I felt like she might give me a second chance. She might forgive me for making the biggest mistake of my life.
I hesitated at her door. I took a deep breath. I didn't knock, for fear she'd send me away. I was not surprised to find her door locked and I was not above picking her lock. I grabbed a butter knife from the kitchen and picked the lock. Then, I walked into her room swiftly and shut the door behind me.
"GET OUT!" Clary yelled before I even turned around. I spun around and saw Clary sitting up in her bed. She was holding the covers up to her chest. Her hair was down and her curls were flowing over her shoulders. She looked really pissed. Not how I imagined her in my dream. She wasn't crying nor did it look like she had been. Her make up was perfectly done. She had on mascara, brown eye shadow, and brown eyeliner. I absentmindedly wondered why she had make up on. I noticed she had a necklace around her neck, though I could see the silver chain, she held the covers too high to see the pendent. I could see thin silky navy blue straps that indicated she was wearing lingerie. The lights were off in the room, but even with the shade drawn, it was bright enough outside that the room was still fairly lit. I just froze.
"I SAID GET OUT JACE!' She yelled. I blinked a couple times and swallowed hard. I felt blindsided; I was imagining this would go a little closer to how my dream went, just probably without sex.
"Clary I just want to talk to you." I said softly as I walked towards the bed.
"Stop." She said firmly.
"You're close enough." She snapped. I took a deep breath.
"Clary, come on." She glared.
"You want to talk to me? You knock! You don't pick the lock on my door and sneak in my room. I could have been changing." She spat.
"It was a risk I was willing to take." I said jokingly. She glared daggers.
"That's just creepy Jace."
"It was a joke Clary…If I knocked would you have really let me in?" I asked a little harsher than I meant to.
"No. Probably not." She snapped, slightly shaking her head. I closed my eyes and rolled my head back dramatically.
"So I find this way to be much more effective." I looked back at her. She crossed her arms over her chest, effectively causing the blankets to fall down slightly. I could see the purple circular marks on her shoulder; anger flared inside me, but quickly took a back seat when I noticed the necklace she wore had a man's ring on the chain. Though I had grown to like Will, I found my mind immediately wondering if the ring were his. Will was the only guy Clary was close to that was single, and I knew she had gone to the hospital this morning to see him just as much as she went to see Jem. I was suddenly feeling very suspicious towards Clary and Will's relationship.
"Where did you get that ring?" I asked somewhat suspiciously. Her hand reached up and clasped the ring. I took another step closer.
"I said you're close enough Jace and it's none of your business." She spat. I crossed my arms over my chest.
"Why are you always so impossible?"
"It's part of my charm Jace. Why are you such a player?" She snapped.
"Clary, come on, I feel horrible. I don't even know if I slept with her. I think I was set up." She shook her head.
"Do you think I'm stupid?" She said sarcastically.
"Clary."
"No seriously Jace. We both know you're a player. Don't try to pretend you're not." She shook her head and had this crazy smile.
"Clary-" She cut me off.
"No. Don't Clary me. You know, Will was the one that mentioned that if you were really a player, and you weren't ready to change your ways, you'd slip up. You wouldn't be able to keep it in your pants. You can tell me you were set up, but I saw you kissing her with my own two eyes. I saw your arms wrapped tightly around her. Are you going to tell me that was part of this set up? You were hugging her and kissing her at the party, one thing led to another and you slept together. I get it. You slipped up. You're not ready for a real relationship. I was naïve. I'm always naïve. That's me. So I'm done being naïve. You're a player and good riddance to you Jace! NOW GET OUT!" She snapped. Of course I've got this nagging feeling she's wearing Will's ring around her neck and now she's talking about what he warned her about me. I was suddenly liking Will less and less.
"Clary let me speak." I snapped.
"Why should I?" She spat. I took an exasperated breath.
"Well for starters because I love you." She shook her head.
"Well you have a really odd way of showing it." I took another step and she glowered at me.
"Don't you think we should talk about this?" I said gently.
"Maybe I have nothing to say to you." She snapped.
"That's not fair Clary."
"Fair. You want to talk about fair.-" She said coldly. She dropped the covers completely as she climbed out of bed in a very confrontational way. She was wearing a very sexy navy blue thigh length slip with a slit up one side; I was trying my hardest not to look. She looked so fiery, which was pretty damn sexy. Unfortunately, thanks to my recent dream, I was completely imagining her naked, which wasn't helping my focus at all. She put her hands on her hips as she leaned forward slightly.
"-Life's not fair Jace. Or haven't you gotten the memo…There was an excellent quote my physics teacher use to have up on his wall: Believe none of what you hear and half of what you see. Everybody could tell me you were set up Jace, but I saw you holding her, kissing her. I saw her in nothing but your t-shirt in your bedroom this morning. I believe what I saw Jace. So if you want to talk about things that aren't fair…It's not fair that the man I'm in love with romantically held some other girl…it's not fair that the man I'm in love with kissed some other girl…and it's not fair that the man I'm in love with just FUCKED SOME OTHER GIRL! NOW GET OUT!" In on odd twist of fate that was the first time she said she loved me, said it out loud. Though it didn't make me as happy as I thought it might, it did give me a little hope. She looked absolutely livid; except for the fact now she had tears starting to trickle down her checks. I hated that she looked so mad and so hurt. I tried to take a few steps towards her and put my arms out to try to embrace her, but she quickly backed up right into the bureau.
"Stay away from me." She hissed. I looked at her pleading.
"Clary I just want to hold you. You're crying. It's killing me." She wiped quickly at her tears.
"Thank you Captain Obvious. I didn't know I was crying…but you don't get to hold me Jace. You don't get to touch me." She snapped.
"Come on Clary let me apologize." She half laughed, but it was more of a hysterical laugh than anything else.
"Well that's a first." She said under her breath.
"What?" I asked somewhat confused.
"No go ahead Jace. I'm suddenly dying to hear what you have to say." She said sarcastically. I hesitated. She crossed her arms. She had this crazy scary smile on her face. She still had a slow trickle of tears coming down her face and it was making me crazy that I couldn't hold her.
"I'm waiting Jace. You're running out of time. Tick tock tick tock." She wiped at her tears again. I took a deep breath.
"I want to start by asking you to forgive me. I know when you looked in my eyes earlier and asked if there was anything else I wanted to talk about…when you pressed me that there was nothing else I wanted to tell you…you were asking me to tell you what happened between me and Seelie. I didn't omit telling you at that time because I had in any way planned to keep it from you. I didn't tell you because…first of all, I didn't and I still don't' know what happened…second of all, I didn't tell you because you had just been through something obviously upsetting and stressful with Sebastian, and I didn't want to add to that pain and stress by bringing you more pain and stress at that moment…third of all, I didn't tell you because I knew you needed to get to the hospital to see Jem and I didn't want to detain you for what I felt would be a long conversation filled with unanswered questions. I ask you to trust me when I say I was never going to keep it from you, I had every intention of telling you.-" She was nodding. I took this as an indication I should just continue talking.
"-…So. What I know is, when Izzy woke me up this morning, Seelie was in my room and she was wearing one of my t-shirts. I don't know how she got there, and I don't know how I got there. I don't remember being with her at the party, though I know you said you saw us together. I don't know what we did, because I don't remember. If it's any consolation, I really don't believe we had sex. I know it's stupid and trivial, but I woke up this morning with my boxers on and I don't put my clothes back on after sex. I know that's not much, but right now it's all I have." I hesitated.
"Sounds like a bunch of excuses to me." She was shaking her head.
"That's really all I know about what happened. What do you want me to say Clary?" She shrugged and had this wild look in her eyes.
"I don't know. I guess I thought when you said you wanted to apologize, you might actually try apologizing. The thing about apologies are they start with the words I'm sorry. You haven't said you were sorry once." A few more tears trickled down her face. I took a deep breath.
"God Clary. Of course I'm sorry. I apologize from the bottom of my heart…If you saw me kiss her, then I did and I'm so very sorry for that. If you saw me holding her, then I did and I'm so sorry for that too. I'm so sorry that Seelie was in my room this morning in just my t-shirt. I'm so sorry I don't know what happened because I drank too much and I don't remember. I'm so very sorry for not telling you this morning. I should have told you before you ever asked. You deserved to know what I knew. Please believe me that I truly thought at the time I could figure this all out, I could figure out what happened. Though right now I don't know any better than I did several hours ago when I woke up. If you wish, if it will bring you some comfort or closer, if the outcome would change your feelings towards me, I will go through hell and high water to figure out what happened. If it would change your feelings towards me I would contact every single person that went to the party last night and see if anybody could tell me what happened. Unfortunately, if it had been anybody else, anybody but Seelie in my room this morning, I would immediately have thought it had to be Kaelie's doing, but I can't believe Kaelie would do this to her own sister, and I can't believe Seelie is involved. So, I'm running out of ideas. Which means, maybe you're right, maybe the only alternative is that I did this to myself. That through some turn of events I ended up back in my room with Seelie under my own volition. Maybe no matter how much I want to find somebody else to blame, this is entirely my own fault. If so, then I'm soooo so sorry."
The door suddenly flew open without anybody knocking. Clary quickly wiped at her tears. She and I both turned to see Maia. I shot her a glare. She didn't look happy, which is rather unusual for Maia, but she looked a little thrown. I'm guessing Clary standing up against her bureau with her arms crossed, just wearing lingerie was a bit distracting.
"You didn't lock your door." Maia said quietly.
"I guess it doesn't really matter if I lock my door or not, everybody comes in either way. I'm going to start walking around the cottage buck naked anyway." Clary said very sarcastically.
"Clary? Can I talk to you? Alone?" She sounded rather stern. I furrowed my eyebrows. Clary rolled her eyes.
"I'm guessing Jordan sent you to retrieve what I borrowed. Was I just a wild hunch or process of elimination?" Maia crossed her arms.
"Clary!" She sounded rather angry. Clary turned around and picked up her purse off her bureau. She walked over to Maia and handed it to her. She took it reflexively.
"Tell him everything's accounted for. No need to have a panic attack. You can yell at me later. I'm too involved in one argument to start another one at the moment." Maia was shaking her head.
"We will talk about this just as soon as you're done talking to Jace." Clary nodded.
"Yeah. I got it." Maia walked back into her and Jordan's room. Clary stood at the door holding it open and shooting me an impatient look.
"You can hold that door all you want. I'm not leaving. Not until I'm done talking." She rolled her eyes and slammed the door shut. She leaned with her back up against the door and crossed her arms over her chest. She just stared me down.
"You going to tell me what that was about?"
"Nope." I rolled my eyes.
"Why am I not surprised? Fine. I'll just ask Jordan later." She shook her head.
"I'm sure you will and if he doesn't tell you, you'll just get Simon to find out for you." She rolled her eyes.
"Clary, give me a break."
"No. You lied and cheated. You don't deserve a break."
"So…you think I lied…you think I cheated…you think I slipped up…you think that all those years of being a player are instilled in me at some level…then I'll do the right thing and take full responsibility for my actions. The confusion and the complication of not knowing what happened I would like to remove. I ask you to deal with this situation and treat me as you would had you learned I had just slept with Seelie. I wasn't set up. Nobody else was involved. I apologize to you from the bottom of my heart. I made a catastrophic mistake and I would do anything to take it back. I would do anything to make this right. I cannot tell you precisely what happened, because I don't know, but I would do anything to take it back. I would do anything to take back the pain and the agony I have caused you, but I would not take back the time I spent with you." I hesitated. She had tears slowly trickling down her cheeks. She nodded once.
"I asked you the other day what I should know about you that I'd never think to ask about. Now I'm going to tell you some things about me that you'd never think to ask…I love you Clary…I never told anybody in my life that I loved them until I met you. Alec, Izzy, Mayrse, Robert, even my father Michael, I never told any of them I loved them…I thought you were the most beautiful girl I had ever seen the night of your sixteenth birthday. You took my breath away and left me literally speechless. In a matter of seconds I went from having no purpose at all, to having a reason for living…I've never experienced jealousy or the overwhelming urge to protect somebody until Saturday morning when Sebastian came down by the lake." I saw her cringe slightly. I tried to clear my mind again and move on.
"Though I regret and wish I could take back last night. If I could, I would take back every night with every girl I met before I met you. I've been with many girls; though, none of them, have ever meant anything to me. None of them, I ever cared about.-" She cut me off as she wiped away at her tears.
"Ok. Don't let the door hit you on the way out." She opened the door wide.
"Just shut up and let me talk." I snapped.
"DON'T YOU DARE!-" She shot me a killer glare. I cringed. Telling her to shut up probably wasn't a good idea.
"-You don't get to tell me to shut up. You just woke up with another girl in your bed this morning. You're lucky I'm letting you talk at all. You can stand here and tell me how much you love and care about me, but actions speak louder than words Jace and your actions don't support what you're saying. Your words and your promises are empty. So keep your pretty little words to yourself and get out." She snapped and made a theatrical gesture with her arm for me to leave.
"I'm sorry. This isn't how I imagined this would go." I muttered.
"Yeah, well that makes two of us. Now get out." She snapped.
"No…I…I'm not done…On Monday morning you told me you didn't know if we were a good idea. When I tried to beg you to give me a chance, you told me to save if for if you told me no. Well here I am begging for you to give me a chance."
"I gave you a chance Jace." She sounded almost sad, some of the fire gone. She was shaking her head, a few more tears rolled down her cheeks and she swatted them away.
"Then I'm begging for a second chance." I took the last couple steps between us, with her shooting daggers at me, and pushed the door shut. She still held on to the doorknob, but she wasn't applying much resistance. I took her right hand from the doorknob and held it in both of mine, against her halfhearted struggles and protest, and pressed it against my heart. I could tell how close my body was to hers. This was the closest I had been to her since I walked into the room. We were less than arms length away, though Clary's arm was fully extended. My heart beat was increasing from proximity alone.
"Feel my heart beating Clary. Every beat is for you. My heart will never beat for another girl as long as I live. I love you Clary. I have always loved you and I will love you until I die, and if there's a life after that, I'll love you then. I cannot bear the thought of living in a world where my lips never kiss yours again, where my arms never hold you, where my eyes never gaze into yours and you look back at me with love and adoration."
"You asked me on Monday morning, why I loved you…I love you because you make me smile…you make me laugh…you make me happy when I'm sad…just the thought of you brightens my day…you're genuine and honest …you're so smart…you're so talented…and you give me more credit than I deserve. I love that every time someone says your name, I see your face, I hear your voice, you touch me in the slightest way; you take my breath away. I love your captivating green eyes, your beautiful red curly hair, the shape of your face, the curve or your lips when you smile, and everything else about you. I love you because I can be myself around you…you don't seem to mind that I'm egotistical and self-centered…but, you make me want to be better than I am. I love that I never stop thinking about you…you are the first person I think about when I wake up in the morning, you are the first person I look for when I enter a room, you are the last person I think about before I go to bed at night, and you are the only person I dream of. I love the way you fit perfectly in my arms and I love the way you kiss me. I love the sound of your voice, and I love hearing you say goodnight Jace before we go to sleep." There was a long pause that I didn't say anything and her eyes just seemed to search my face. She wiped away the couple straggler tears that were rolling down her cheeks.
"Perhaps it's your lack of words that gives me some courage to speak on." I brought her hand to my lips and gently kissed her knuckles. I said a quick little prayer as I dropped her right hand and scooped up her left hand. Here goes nothing. I shift my weight and went down on one knee. I had nothing left to lose. Her eyes got big, but she didn't say anything.
"Clary-" I started softly.
Knock Knock Knock
"Clary? Some guy named Nate is here to see you?" Izzy's voice sounded a little confused. Clary rolled her eyes and started to turn around, but I held her hand firm as I quickly jumped up and held the door closed. She couldn't go out dressed like that. She looked up at me and our eyes locked. It was the first time since I walked in the room I felt like I was able to keep her gaze. She didn't look as angry, not that she looked entirely happy either, but she looked in thought, as though she were trying to see inside me. We were so close. I was holding her left hand in my right; while my left hand held the door closed just above her head slightly off to the side. Her lips were just inches from mine. I could tell my heart was racing. I could lean in so easily and just press my lips to hers. She was right there.
"Clary, the eyes are the window to the soul. Look into my eyes. I love you more than words can say." I said just above a whisper. She shook her head every so slightly, still holding my gaze.
"Jace…I…I have to go." Her eyes were still locked with mine. I wanted to lean forward and kiss her so bad, but I just felt like that might push her too much.
"Clary you're wearing lingerie." I said quietly and breathy. It was the reason I originally jumped up to detain her from leaving, but it was no longer the reason I didn't want her to go. She looked down at what she was wearing, effectively breaking my gaze. She rolled her eyes.
"Like it matters anymore." She tried to sidestep me and I let her. The moment had passed. I dropped her hand and moved to the side.
"I have to change Jace." She called over her shoulder evenly. Without anymore warning, not a half of a moment later, she walked up to the bureau and pulled the navy blue slip up and over her head. She was facing the mirror at the bureau; I could see her naked chest reflected. My jaw just about hit the ground. I could see she was wearing a pair of white lacy thongs, but that was it. I cracked my neck and swallowed hard. This was sooo not fair. Though I really wanted to look, I quickly diverted my eyes…I didn't just want to look, I wanted to pounce on her. I guess she warned me she was going to change. I guess I was supposed to turn around and face the door, leave the room, I don't know. I glanced back up and she was just clasping her white lacy push-up bra that clasps in the front. This sucked. She was making me so horny. Her long red hair fell down her back with a few curls falling over her shoulders. She looked so amazingly sexy. I wanted to kiss her, hold her, run my hands over her body and through her hair. I don't know why I act surprised that I dream about having sex with Clary. I shook my head. She walked across the room to the closet and thumbed through the clothes. She walked back to the bureau. She was just parading in front of me. She was just teasing me. This was cruel. She opened a couple drawers before she pulled out a pair of tan terrycloth shorts. She was already facing away from me and she bent way down towards the floor, her ass in the air and she put her shorts on very slowly, like unnecessarily slowly. She pulled out a white v-neck t-shirt from another drawer. She turned to face me before she put the shirt on. That was so intentional. She walked across the room and spoke quietly as she passed me.
"You said you preferred a room with a view. Eat your heart out Jace." She walked down the hall with me watching her, my jaw lying on the ground. That was so so wrong. I had a feeling Clary's been spending too much time with Izzy. Clary wouldn't tease and torture me like that if she wasn't going to forgive me eventually, right?
"Believe none of what you hear and half of what you see" - Benjamin Franklin
"Actions speak louder than words" – Mark Twain
