Disclaimer: I don't own Merlin
A/N: Another complicated time travel talk... hope it makes sense (and that it's not too boring, heaven forbid). And Merlin isn't looking for a necromancer yet, after all. Something unexpected added itself to my plot.
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Merlin was forced (not that he minded, really) to leave Kilgharrah's cave soon after their short conversation, mostly because he didn't want Gaius to toss his supper. "I'll be back as soon as Gaius is asleep," he promised. He was sighing inwardly, readying himself for another long night of sleep deprivation.
When he reentered his rooms, Gaius looked up from his work and asked, "Did they manage to get Arthur's armor fixed?"
Merlin gave his mentor a look of confusion.
Gaius raised his eyebrow. "You told me you were going to the blacksmith's," the old man reminded, a frown beginning to form.
Merlin grimaced. Oops. So he swallowed uneasily and said in the most certain tone he could manage, "Well, I did – kind of. I was going to anyways... I swear! But I ran into Gwen on the way and I guess we got to talking..." He shrugged guiltily.
Gaius nodded knowingly. "Surprising how much a pretty face can distract you from your chores," he chuckled.
Merlin balked.
"But somehow I doubt Arthur will be quite so understanding," Gaius continued, oblivious to Merlin's conflicted feelings.
Merlin sat down at the table, a concentrated look on his face. "Hang on," he said, raising a finger. "Do you think I like Gwen? As in, a romantic way?"
"Don't you?" Gaius asked.
Merlin immediately stuck out his tongue and made a gagging noise. "Ugh, no! Don't be disgusting, Gaius!"
Gaius frowned and scolded, "I think Gwen is a very pretty girl, Merlin. Don't be so harsh on her."
Merlin's eyes widened; that wasn't what he meant at all! "No! No!" he said hurriedly. "I think Gwen is lovely! She's absolutely one of the most amazing women I know! Just not... romantically. Definitely not romantically."
Gaius looked at him suspiciously. "If you say so Merlin."
"I do say so," the warlock said firmly, wanting to be clear on this. "Besides, do you know what Arthur would do to me if I ever thought of Gwen in that way? He'd kill me slowly, bring me back to life, then kill me again."
Merlin didn't realize what he'd said until after he'd said it.
"Arthur? What does Arthur have to do with this?" Gaius questioned, looking surprised.
"Nothing," Merlin said quickly. "Can I have my supper now? You did save me some, right?"
"Merlin..."
O o O
"I think Gaius is getting suspicious," Merlin said, soon after he reentered the dragon's prison.
"Not terribly surprising," Kilgharrah said dully.
Merlin snorted. "I suppose I could try harder, but really, it's much easier to be myself," he admitted. "The main problem is what I'm going to tell him. He's bound to start asking questions sometime."
Kilgharrah's large eyes narrowed. "Whatever you do, I suggest you keep the shadow aspect of this reality to yourself. Most people do not take kindly to the idea that they aren't real."
"Is that what that means?" Merlin asked, frowning. "None of this is real?" he gestured around.
"This is all very real, young warlock," Kilgharrah assured. "Not in the way most people would define 'real' however."
Merlin ground his teeth thoughtfully. In the past, he probably would have demanded an immediate explanation from the dragon, usually resulting in a full-blown shouting match. Meekly, he learned long ago that Kilgharrah much preferred Merlin to figure things out by himself. Frustrating as it was, the warlock grudgingly admitted that he learned better when it was done this way. Not that he particularly liked the process.
Frowning in concentration, Merlin decided that the first order of business would be to try and recall exactly what the book had said on shadow universes. The chapter on time travel had been over six-hundred dusty pages long, and Merlin had speed-read through the section in less than twenty-four hours. He would be lucky if he remembered anything at all. Maybe if he'd gone at a slower pace, some of the information might have actually stuck. I wouldn't be caught in this mess in the first place, Merlin thought gloomily.
After several minutes of pacing, Merlin managed to come a muddled conclusion, which he decided to present to Kilgharrah, no matter the ridicule that followed.
"I think the shadow universe exists independent of the real time line, but the real time line affects all its actions," he proceeded cautiously. Time and space were a very difficult concept to explain, even on the most basic of levels. "Only a person from the real time line has the ability to change the actions and destinies of the people in this universe. In this case, I would be that person."
The dragon didn't interrupt him or laugh evilly, so Merlin decided he must have gotten at least some of his theories right.
"But what I don't know," he admitted, "Is why I took the place of myself, or how exactly the changes I've made are going to affect the real time line. They are going to affect it, aren't they?"
The dragon sighed.
"Very likely," he said finally. "I must admit, although I have a basic grasp on the topic we are discussing, it is not complete."
"But you have several theories..." Merlin prodded.
"Of course," the dragon chuckled.
"So why do you think I've taken the place of myself?" Merlin asked.
"A possible variation in the pronunciation of the spell could have been the cause for that," Kilgharrah said, looking amused. "Can you remember exactly what you said?"
"No," Merlin scoffed. "The spell was so long that it took nearly three minutes to get through!"
"You may need to remember," Kilgharrah warned, "if you want to get back to your own time."
Merlin blanched.
"How am I supposed to do that?" he asked incredulously.
"I can give you a spell that can recall lost memories," Kilgharrah said.
Merlin's eyes widened excitedly. "Really?" he exclaimed. "How does it work? I could try and duplicate it in my spare time – if I ever get any spare time that is."
"So you are finally learning the physics behind different spells," the dragon said, looking pleased. "This will help you greatly when it comes to understanding your true power."
"Don't I know it," Merlin agreed. "I find that I don't even need the words to most spells, now, just as long as I can knit the magic into the right pattern. The spell is usually a lot more powerful that way – which is why I have to be sure that I'm doing it right."
"Very good. So you can see the magic web, then? This a feat few humans ever manage to accomplish. Though, in the beginning of the Old Religion, it was more common to see sorcerers use this approach."
Merlin nodded. "I have been able to 'see' the magic since I was a boy. I didn't actually realize what I was doing until about ten years ago, though," he said. That had been one of the most exciting days of his life actually, not counting the day when magic was unbanned from Camelot. So much of what he did as a magic user was suddenly making sense.
Kilgharrah was nodding, the closest thing the dragon could get to a smile adorning his face.
"As soon as our conversation is finished, I will give you the memory spell. You may be overwhelmed by old memories for the next few days until it settles," the dragon warned. "When it is done, I want you to remember exactly how you pronounced the spell, then write it phonetically."
Merlin stuck out his tongue. "But that could take hours!"
"Do it, Merlin," the dragon ordered, "before pieces of the memory begin to fade. It may be the key to getting you back to your own world."
"Fine," the warlock said sulkily, adding the job to his chore list.
Then he froze.
"Wait a minute," Merlin tilted his head and asked, "If you have a memory spell, why can't I just use it to remember what I read?"
"Because it's highly doubtful that you read every word, young warlock," the dragon explained patiently. "You may try, but there will likely be large gaps in your memory. Not even the spell can remember everything. Besides, it works much better with sound than it does visually."
Merlin switched topics. He wasn't going to argue with Kilgharrah on this one. After all, he could try remembering as soon as he got the spell. "So what's your other theory? How do you think this world will affect the real one?"
"The events that you change here, will probably manifest themselves in dreams and feelings," the dragon explained. "If you change something too much, a person may suddenly wake up feeling like an entirely different person – and they won't be able to explain why."
"But what will happen to this world when I leave? Will it still be here, or will it fade?" Merlin asked hesitantly. If it was going to fade, did that mean that no one here was actually real? But Kilgharrah had seemed sure that everyone was. Maybe that was just because Kilgharrah felt like he was a real. Merlin didn't know how to respond to the possibility of everything being a shadow.
Conflicted, Merlin met the dragon's eyes.
"That, young warlock, is a question I cannot answer," the dragon said truthfully. "I think it would be a good idea if you began the search for that book."
Merlin nodded.
"Right," he said, with more firmness than he felt.
O o O
Due to the stupid memory spell, Merlin slept less than two hours before the sun hit his face. He hauled himself out of bed, grudgingly admitting that not even he could sleep in much longer.
Plus, he was suddenly remembering a bunch of useless things, like the incident from three months ago:
King Arthur was looking very undignified, Merlin thought, pointing and laughing like that. Of course, everyone else was laughing as well, making the whole situation all the more embarrassing. Gwen was trying to hide her giggles, but her shoulders were shaking, giving her away.
Merlin sighed and looked down at his navy blue robes. How was he to know that conjuring up your clothes had such an ill effect? It's not like anyone had ever done it before.
The blue background was now covered in white concave-decagons, and someone had the boldness to proclaim (Gwaine, Merlin thought, eyes narrowed) that he looked like the night sky.
"Are you all right, Merlin?" Gaius asked, his voice concerned.
Merlin realized he'd been staring into space with a horrified expression on his face. He shook his head to snap out of it.
"I'm not sure," he told Gaius wearily. "I didn't sleep well last night."
The physician patted his shoulder.
O o O
Merlin felt off for several days after Kilgharrah's spell. With memories popping up at random, even in the middle of the night, the warlock was finding it very difficult to sleep, let alone finish any of any of his chores. It didn't help that Uther was constantly lecturing Arthur on his inadequacies, which tended to make the prince short-tempered and violent.
When Arthur found Merlin slumped on his bed, sleeping soundly, the prince went berserk.
Merlin awoke when his body hit the floor with a resounding thump.
"Wha...?" he groaned, finding himself on the stone tiles. He rolled onto his back, only to meet Arthur's livid eyes.
"I was supposed to have my formal attire assembled by now," the prince hissed, his voice hitting Merlin's ears like a whip. "And where do I find you? Sleeping."
Merlin didn't answer. He was too tired.
Arthur bent over and grabbed the cuff of his manservant's shirt; with an undignified snarl, he yanked Merlin to his feet. Merlin was forced to grab the bed canopy's pole to steady himself.
"Lord Reginald's party is practically on our front steps, Merlin," the prince spat. Merlin winced, his head still banging from being knocked against the floor. "My father expects me to be there."
"Arthur..." he tried to keep his voice steady, but he could tell it was slurring.
"That's 'Sire' to you!" the prince retorted angrily.
Merlin sighed. "Sire," he didn't even have it in him to be sarcastic. For some reason, this only made Arthur angrier.
He whirled on his feet and stomped towards the window. Merlin watched the younger version of his best friend stare down into the courtyard. He was obviously watching the noblemen of Camelot gather on the steps to greet the incoming noble.
Merlin took in a deep breath.
"Arthur," he said firmly, but he was hesitating in his step as he walked towards the prince. "You still have time. Your father won't even know you were rushed."
"He already knows," Arthur said. He turned to give Merlin a solemn look. "He caught me on my way up here, and gave me a lecture on being 'a proper prince'," Arthur's tone became bitter.
Merlin sighed. One of these days he was going to release that goblin and pay the thing to plague King Uther.
"Arthur, you are your own man," Merlin said firmly. "No man, not even the king himself, should be able to dictate what is proper behavior for you. You're a good person. I don't think it will ruin anyone's pride if you're running late, especially if you end up making it on time anyway."
While Arthur considered his words of wisdom, Merlin went over to the wardrobe to pick out the prince's formal outfit – and yes, he had cleaned it (two weeks before).
"Besides," Merlin added, in a much lighter tone. He approached Arthur, who was still staring at him thoughtfully. "It's not like being late is a bad thing... I mean, look at me!"
Arthur threw a pillow at him.
O o O
Lord Reginald had a pleasurable experience visiting the castle, and told Uther so. He had also been exceptionally impressed by Prince Arthur and had forced his son to follow the bemused prince around for nearly the entire stay. Merlin had felt sorry for the visiting nobleman's son, but the episode had boosted Arthur's morale impeccably, for which Merlin was exceedingly grateful. Uther had noticed as well and ended up treating Arthur with much more respect than he had in weeks.
Good feelings all around, Merlin decided with a happy sigh.
To Merlin's surprise, the day after Reginald left, Arthur gave Merlin the afternoon off. Apparently the king wanted to go horseback riding with his son, an activity neither of them had done together in years. So as soon as Merlin had saddled Arthur's horse, he found himself with a free afternoon – unless Gaius found out, of course.
Wandering randomly through the lower town, Merlin made a to-do list in his head, arranged by highest priority:
1) Protect Arthur and Camelot
2) Make sure Arthur isn't being a prat
3) Transcribe that time travel spell using Kilgharrah's memory spell
4) Set up an underground network to help convicted sorcerers
5) Find Nimueh before she tries to poison you
6) Find a necromancer
7) Find Balinor
8) Muck out the stables
Since the first two were already done (for now, anyways), and because he really didn't feel like using the new memory spell just yet, Merlin decided it would be best if he went on to number four. If he were lucky, he might even be able to get on with numbers five and six at the same time.
"Merlin!"
Merlin twisted on his heels. "Gwen," he said with a smile, meeting the girl's gaze. She was running to catch up to him, a basket piled high with clothes under her arm.
"Hello," she said, breathing hard. "I hear you got the afternoon off."
"Yep," Merlin said. "Best day ever."
Gwen chuckled. "So what are you going to do with all your free time?" she inquired.
Merlin shrugged. "Eat first, I suppose. Then I'll probably relax and hope Gaius doesn't find me," he said. "He enjoys giving me chores almost as much as Arthur."
Gwen laughed.
"So what are you doing?" he asked. "Mending?" He gestured at the basket full of clothes.
Gwen nodded. "But I have the rest of the day off as well," she said quickly. "Morgana knows that I'm good friends with you, and when she found that you had gotten a free afternoon, she gave me one as well. So..."
Merlin tilted his head, waiting. He supposed that if Gwen wanted to spend her afternoon with him, he wasn't going to say no – list or no list. Then he scowled mentally. That would probably only increase everyone's suspicions of a romantic relationship, wouldn't it?
He sighed.
"What's wrong?" Gwen asked, she looked slightly stricken.
"What?" he asked. "Oh, sorry, I was only thinking of the stables – Arthur's ordered me to muck them out at some point."
Gwen pursed her lips. "Isn't that supposed to be the stable boy's job?"
"I know!" Merlin exclaimed. "I wish you would explain that to Arthur, the overbearing prat."
Gwen giggled.
"So," Merlin said, bouncing on his heels. "Would you like to go on a picnic, then? I think I have enough money saved up..."
"Don't think I'm not contributing too!" Gwen scolded. Merlin held up his hands. Her frown morphed into a smile. "But yes, Merlin. Thank you. A picnic would be lovely."
"Here," Merlin said, and he took the basket of clothes from her. Gwen tried to protest but he quickly silenced her with a look. "Let's get rid of this, then grab some food. And let's hurry, shall we? I'm positively starving!"
Gwen was forced to walk quickly in order to keep up with Merlin's long strides.
O o O
"Where are you going?" Gaius asked as Merlin zoomed around his chambers, gathering supplies.
"On a picnic with Gwen," Merlin answered, discarding a rotten apple.
"Purely platonic I'm sure," the physician said slyly, lifting up a beaker and swirling its contents around.
Merlin froze. He sent Gaius a death glare.
"Yes. Pla-ton-ic," he emphasized. He lifted a pile of books out of a wicker basket. That would be useful.
"Does Gwen know that?" Gaius asked innocently.
"Of course," Merlin replied instantly.
Gaius raised his eyebrows.
Merlin looked up slowly and his eyes widened. He was remembering all those moments when she'd stop in the market to stare at him as he passed or when she'd stop to give him flowers. Merlin remembered her, as queen, laughing with the knights when she told them about her crush on Merlin as a young woman. Then, of course Arthur had been very sulky the rest of the evening, particularly after she told everyone that Merlin had been the first man she'd ever kissed.
"She's in love with me, isn't she?" he groaned, a sinking feeling in his chest.
"If her actions are anything to go by," Gaius said wisely.
Merlin found the nearest wall and banged his head against it.
"Merlin, don't you think you're overreacting a bit?" Gaius asked.
"Not really, to be completely honest," Merlin said, eyes narrowed.
Gaius raised his eyebrows. "You aren't betrothed or anything, are you?" he asked. It was possible he supposed, though he would've thought that Hunith would have mentioned something.
"What?" came his ward's incredulous reply, destroying that theory.
"Then what's wrong with Gwen liking you?" the physician demanded.
Merlin sighed and he rubbed his forehead, trying to get rid of the stress lines. This wasn't going to work. Unless he wanted to tell Gaius the whole truth, there was no way any of his excuses would work.
"Nothing," he mumbled.
"Then what was all that head-banging nonsense?" Gaius demanded, gesturing at the wall.
"Just feeling awkward, I guess," Merlin replied, which wasn't entirely false.
Gaius snorted. "If you're nervous, Merlin, just let me tell you now: when it comes to romance, you have to start somewhere."
"But it's not starting with Gwen!" Merlin said, pointing a warning finger his mentor. "Stop trying to pair us up!"
"I'm not trying to pair anyone," the physician said grumpily. "Just be nice."
Merlin growled, "I'm always nice."
"Ha!"
"To Gwen, anyway!" Merlin added, then slapped his forehead, realizing what that sounded like.
"Uh-huh," Gaius said. "Now, Merlin. Run along. I have work to do and don't need you to bumble around, interrupting me."
Merlin frowned.
Feeling sulky, Merlin grabbed the wicker basket, a couple clean plates, and hurried out of the stuffy room. Him! In love with Gwen! It'd be like being in love with his mother, Merlin decided, and he honestly couldn't tell which situation would be worse. Okay... maybe that was an exaggeration. But still!
Grumbling to himself, Merlin almost ran into Gwen, who was waiting for him in the courtyard.
"Anything wrong?" she asked, noting his stormy expression.
Merlin glanced at her wide, dark eyes and gulped. He would just have to try and act normally, he figured. "Just took a while to find a basket is all," he said with a forced smile.
"Right," Gwen said, looking skeptical but not wanting to push him.
"Ready to find some food?" he asked, offering her his arm. She took it, the concern in her eyes disappearing with his smile.
"Of course," she said.
O o O
Gwen was laid out on the grass, while Merlin was sitting, staring into the trees. Merlin had led Guinevere to a secluded meadow on the outskirts of the forests, bordering one of the farms. Wild flowers littered the clearing and Merlin considered it one of the most peaceful places in Camelot. Not many people went there because it took nearly an hour's worth of walking to reach, but it was still close enough to not be a major expedition.
Aside from Gwen's blatant blushes and obvious attempts at flirting (at least the were obvious now), Merlin had considered the picnic a success. They had even gotten bargain prices on the food, due to Gwen's marvelous haggling skills.
"I could stay here forever," Gwen said contentedly, her eyes closed.
"It might rain," Merlin joked.
Gwen giggled and opened her eyes so she could look at him.
"What would you do," she asked seriously, "if you could be anything or do anything that you wanted?"
Merlin had actually thought over this question many times in his life. If destiny hadn't inferred, if he had stayed in Ealdor, what might have happened? As the most powerful warlock to ever live, Merlin actually had more options than anyone alive.
"I think," he said slowly, "that I would be exactly who I am, right now."
Gwen tilted her head so she could see him better. A forget-me-not was tangling up in her hair. "Really?" she asked, sounding surprised.
Merlin smiled.
"What about you?" he asked, leaning forward. "What would you do?"
Gwen's eyes wandered to the clouds above her. "When I was little, I always wanted to be a traveling minstrel."
Merlin laughed. Gwen knew he wasn't laughing at her, so she smiled and laughed along with him.
"Me and Elyan – you know I have an older brother, right?" Gwen suddenly inquired, when Merlin nodded, she continued. "Me and Elyan used to sneak into the tavern late at night to listen to the minstrels who passed through our town. I think everyone knew we were there, but I remember thinking at the time that we were so sneaky." She giggled at the memory.
"Are you musical at all?" Merlin asked. He'd never seen her try to play an instrument at all, and the only times he'd ever heard her sing were when she was trying to get children to sleep.
Gwen sighed. "No. Sometimes I wish I was, but then I think, what would I do with such a talent, anyways?" she asked, coming back to reality. "Now I realize that most minstrels are probably cold and hungry most of the time, traveling from place to place, hoping to earn at least enough to make it to the next town."
That explained why Queen Guinevere was always so welcoming and generous to the musicians who traveled to the court of Camelot.
"I imagine some of them do it voluntarily," Merlin said, considering. "There is a certain... freedom about their lifestyle."
Gwen nodded. "I think that's what I liked about it, more than the music even."
She let out a deep breath.
Merlin tilted his head. "You've told me what you used to want to be," he pointed out, "but what about now? If you could be anything – do anything – in the whole, wide world, what would it be?"
Gwen shifted her position in the grass.
"Queen?" he put out.
Gwen laughed, "What? No! Do you think I'd like to be in the center of attention all the time, with everyone staring at me?"
"Plus, then you'd have to be married to Arthur," Merlin half-joked, half-hinted.
Gwen made a face.
"Or Uther," she added.
They both shuddered.
"New topic!" Merlin demanded. Gwen laughed again.
"All right. All right," she said. "If I had the power to be anything I wanted, I'd be..." she thought for a moment, "...Don't laugh, okay?"
"I swear," Merlin said, suddenly curious.
Gwen took a deep breath. "I'd be a physician."
Merlin looked down at her. "Really?" he asked, interested. "Like Gaius?"
Gwen nodded. "I mean, it's not even possible. For one thing, I'm a girl, and secondly, I'm not really good with all that herb-lore. I'm lucky that I even know how to read," she said, sounding resigned.
"But you're a really caring person, Gwen," Merlin said honestly. "I think you'd make a brilliant physician."
Gwen smiled. "That's very sweet of you, Merlin."
Merlin grinned back. Then he looked away quickly once he realized that she was blushing – and quite profusely too. How scary. Merlin wondered at what point Gwen stopped having a crush on him. Was it when Lancelot came? Merlin made a new goal to start looking for the knight, just in case.
A comfortable silence fell between the two friends. Gwen, because she was content for the moment, and Merlin, because he was in deep thought. As Merlin considered the swaying trees looming over them, a sudden thought hit him.
"We've talked about the weather, the flowers, Arthur being a prat, our jobs, and our dreams," Merlin listed out loud.
"Mm-hm," came the gentle response.
"What if we talk about something controversial?"
Gwen's head tilted. "Like what?" she asked cautiously.
"Gwen," Merlin began. "What are your views on magic?"
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