Disclaimer: I don't own Merlin
A.N. This is more of an interim chapter. I wrote it in two hours. Hopefully neither of them are too out of character, which wouldn't be surprising considering all the cheesiness involved. I guess I'm making up for the lack of Merlin!whump. They have gotten to the point in their relationship where Arthur would be willing to defy his father to save Merlin, but without the poisoned chalice, its harder to show.
"Merlin!" Gaius exclaimed as his ward stumbled into his chambers, his ragged pack slung haphazardly over his shoulders. No wounded knights were accompanying him, so he could only assume the bandits had been efficiently dealt with. "You're back!"
Merlin gave his guardian a small smile, but the expression quickly faded back into a state of perpetual tiredness. "Until Arthur wants to go hunting," he grumbled.
Gaius frowned, shuffling over to get a closer look at the boy. Merlin dropped his pack on the ground, not caring that it was in the middle of the walkway. The amulets inside clinked together, nearly in their complete forms. When he looked up again, Gaius was standing in front of him, a concerned light flooding his eyes. Merlin's eyes were swimming in dark circles of sleeplessness and his cheeks were even more hallow than usual.
"Merlin, you look like death itself," the old man said lightly.
Merlin snorted. "To some people, that's exactly who I am," he intoned blandly, moving past Gaius and towards the table. There was a rather tempting loaf of bread sitting there, only half-eaten.
Gaius's forehead crinkled as he made his way to Merlin's side. "Merlin, you really don't look all that well," he said more firmly. "Have you been eating?"
"When I remember," the warlock dismissed, taking a bite out of the bread.
"Merlin!" Gaius exclaimed, affronted. "You need to be taking better care of yourself!"
Merlin stiffened and his head turned sharply. "How can I when I'm too busy taking care of everyone else?" he snapped. He stared at Gaius, breathing harder than he ought to have been.
Gaius was shocked into silence.
Merlin slumped slightly, then went back to eating his bread.
Gaius swallowed. "Merlin, what's happened?" he asked quietly, trying to sound comforting. He sincerely hoped Merlin wouldn't hole himself away.
"Nothing," Merlin replied in between bites. "Nothing unusual anyway."
"But something did happen," Gaius stated.
"Not really," Merlin said, staring at the wall in front of him as he continued to chew.
Gaius clenched his teeth, a bout of frustration (mixed with some anger) building. That boy had an enormous amount of responsibility on his shoulders, and Gaius was beginning to realize that Merlin rarely ever delegated any of it. Why couldn't he see that Gaius was very willing to take some of the burdens off of his shoulders? Even if he was an old man, he wasn't entirely useless, Gauis thought with indignance.
"And yet you're exhausted and half-starved!" he burst out, his voice raising in volume with ever word. "You may value yourself so little, but I most certainly do not! I told your mother I would look after you, but look at what a poor job I seem to be doing!"
Merlin had frozen, the bread halfway up to his mouth. Then slowly, he lowered it, exhaling at the same time. When he looked up at the physician, his face was a picture of remorse. "Sorry," he said softly.
Gaius frowned. "'Sorry' doesn't change the fact that your health is suffering!" he snapped.
Merlin sighed. "I've just been working on some projects is all," he said. And when he said 'projects,' there was no doubt that they were magical in nature. "At night, mostly, when the others were asleep."
"Magic-induced headaches along with it?" Gaius asked severely, folding his arms.
"Unfortunately," Merlin said stiffly.
"Ones that make you forget to eat?" Gaius asked, eyes flashing.
"Ones that make me feel a little nauseous," Merlin admitted, looking at the table.
"While you were out riding? Looking for bandits?" Gaius asked, shaking his head. "I swear – you're very bright when you need to be but in this instance I'm going to agree with Arthur: You're an idiot." He swatted the back of Merlin's head.
Merlin growled playfully and took another bite out of his bread.
"Didn't Arthur notice you weren't eating?" Gaius asked after a moment, taking the time to sit across from his ward.
Merlin stiffened. Unknowingly, Gaius had just nailed a sore spot. "No," he finally said, sounding a little hoarse. "Too busy ordering me around."
Gaius sighed, knowing there wasn't much he could do about Arthur's arrogance. He'd thought the young prince had been improving – coming to ask about Merlin's headaches and all – but apparently Arthur was still the same as ever when he played for a crowd. No doubt he and his knights spent their evenings poking fun at the lanky servant.
Merlin stood up suddenly, his bench scraping out from its position. Very little of the bread loaf was left.
"I'm taking a nap," he announced. "Will you be around to wake me in an hour? I have to bring Arthur his dinner."
Gaius nodded quickly. Of course he'd wake Merlin up.
Merlin sent him a thin smile and left the room, shutting his bedroom door behind him with a soft click. Gaius sent Merlin's door a sympathetic look before standing up and getting back to his own work. Lady Percival was being crotchety again, demanding cures for nonexistent ailments.
On the other side of the door, Merlin sprawled over his hard bed, his eyes staring blankly at his cobweb-covered ceiling. Then slowly, and not as silently as he would like, Merlin began to cry, tears leaking out of his staring eyes, his breaths coming out in small gasps. Not wanting to make Gaius suspicious, Merlin hurled a silencing spell at the door, feeling the tears as they spilled into his ears.
To be perfectly honest, he had no idea why he was 'sobbing like a girl' as Arthur would put it. Fatigue was probably a likely reason, along with malnutrition, and the headache that had nearly worn off. Otherwise, there was no way he'd ever being crying over something as nonsensical as self-pity.
Prince Arthur was not King Arthur. Merlin knew that. Of course he did. Not that he didn't forget it sometimes... almost letting something slip – like laughing too hard at Arthur's embarrassing moments. But nothing could have made Arthur's position more clear than Gaius's offhand question: "Didn't Arthur notice you weren't eating?" Of course Arthur hadn't, and Merlin hadn't really given it much thought until now. But now, alone in the dim, quiet interior of his room, he was realizing it to the fullest degree.
Arthur hadn't noticed.
His Arthur always noticed when Merlin wasn't taking care of himself. When Merlin got on a project, sometimes he tended to forget minor details like meals and sleeping. On those occasions, the king could be more naggy and stubborn than Gwen and Gaius combined.
"Merlin, you idiot!" he'd shout loudly, usually so everyone in the corridor could hear. "Come down to the kitchens right now, or I'll fire you, throw you in the dungeons, and wait for you to escape so I can execute you and put you out of your misery."
Merlin would complain loudly and call him a prat, then threaten to turn him into a toad, before letting a very persistent Arthur to drag him out of his workshop and towards the food. Then he'd get a lecture (it was the same one every time) about how useless he'd be as dead, and how worried Arthur always became whenever Merlin got like this, and how he'd better never do it again or else. Unfortunately for Arthur, the king could never come up with a good enough threat to make Merlin take him seriously. Once, Arthur had tried giving Merlin the silent treatment, but unsurprising, that had lasted for less than half of a day.
Merlin ran his hands through his hair, a bizarre smile covering his face as he continued to sob and laugh at the same time.
Oh, Avalon. He was homesick.
He missed Guinevere – Queen Guinevere – who was just as firm as she was wise. She could silence a room-full of brawling knights just by glaring ay them, and was brave enough to direct a war in place of her absent husband.
He missed King Arthur's sincere, but hilariously awful attempts to cheer Merlin up. He missed having a friend who knew him so impeccably well that they could finish each other's sentences.
He missed the knights of the round table, all of whom were perfectly willing to go in with him on a prank if need be.
He missed being able to walk through the market and but magical items.
He missed the magical storytellers who would sit on the edge of alleyways and conjure pictures of fairylands (never very accurate), entertaining the generation of children who would never have to be scared of magic.
He missed having a workroom where he didn't have to hide in the near-darkness to complete his projects.
He missed Freya. He missed talking to one of the very few people in the world who could relate with him in terms of power, immortality, loss, and responsibility. Not even Arthur could do that. But in this time Freya was lost to him, even more so than Arthur. She didn't even know his name, and he only had a vague idea of where she might be.
Unaware of how much time he'd spent lost in the daydreams of his home, blinked himself back to reality and watched with arid wretchedness as a spider crawled up the wall.
The skin around his eyes was now swollen and red, glaring and obvious for all the world to see. At least the tears have stopped, he thought miserably. Maybe dull acceptance was finally settling in.
He sniffled and brought his sleeve up to his face to mop up the excess fluids.
Stupid fatigue, he decided, then rolled over to face the window.
Soon, he was fast asleep, dreaming of a home that he could only watch from a distance.
O o O
Almost exactly an hour later, a previously lounging Gaius banged on Merlin's door and yelled, "Merlin! Get up!"
Satisfied that the noise had woken his ward – it usually did – Gaius grabbed a flask and scurried out the door. He was already late in attending to Lady Percival, but her tantrums were worth facing if it meant unburdening Merlin. That boy had deserved a complete hour's rest.
O o O
Arthur waited very patiently for ten whole minutes (of pacing) before storming out of his bedroom to search for his lazy, good-for-nothing manservant. He'd just come home from eight tiring days of riding and fighting, and Merlin expected him to wait for his dinner? How forgetful could the man get?
All the idiot had to do the entire trip was set up bedrolls and gather firewood. Arthur snorted derisively as he decided that the royal treatment must have gotten to the servants head. Merlin was probably lounging somewhere, full stomach (Arthur's own stomach growled at the thought), talking and laughing with Morgana's maid. Guinevere. She was rather pretty – maybe something was going on between them? Arthur shook his head, as it really didn't matter to him, and mentally prepared the list of chores he was going to give the idiot as a punishment.
His thoughts were interrupted when he caught sight of the ever faithful Guinevere strolling towards him through the corridor. She's carrying a serving tray, he noted jealously. Morgana would be getting dinner, but he wasn't. How was that even fair? Plus, now she had just ruined the picture of Merlin he'd had in his head. Maybe he was lounging by himself, Arthur decided, as the prince had never really seen Merlin tlak with anyone else but Gwen.
As Gwen passed the prince, she was startled to hear him speak, and had to do a double-take before she realized he was talking to her. "Have you seen him anywhere, then?" Arthur was asking, and it took several blinks to process that he was talking about Merlin.
She curtsied as gracefully as she could with a tray and replied, "No, milord. I haven't seen him since before you left last week." Gwen tried to keep the disappointment out of her voice as she finished her sentence. Even though Merlin had only been around for a couple months, somehow he'd managed to worm into Camelot as a permanent entity. Plus, she missed talking to him.
"Hm," Arthur hummed, mostly to himself. He was frowning. He should probably check the kitchens. Maybe Merlin was simply delayed because he was fetching Arthur a proper meal for once. Arthur laughed at his own ridiculousness and decided he should check with Gaius first.
Gwen watched the prince walk away from her, chuckling at some thought she wasn't privy to. She allowed a hint of exasperation to line her face. No polite 'thank-you' from him – not even a nod! He'd just walked off! Typical. Gwen put her nose in the air and marched towards her mistress's chambers.
Arthur gave a couple knocks on the physician's door, announcing his presence as he peeked into Gaius's chambers. "Gaius?" he asked cautiously.
His stomach growled in response.
It was apparent that the physician was out and Arthur almost retreated, before he spotted something that made his eyes narrow. Merlin's door was closed. Arthur groaned in exasperation. Merlin was sleeping! Sleeping! While he, Prince Arthur, had been waiting patiently for his well-earned meal. And Merlin was sleeping!
Arthur found himself bereft of mercy as he marched up to his unsuspecting manservant's door. He had a determined smile on his face. This smile he reserved for Merlin, and Merlin alone, because no one else needed a look that said, "You better run because you don't even want to know all the horrible things I plan on doing to you."
He didn't knock and simply barged into the room, Merlin's name at the tip of his tongue, to be roared for all of Camelot to hear. Then he caught sight of Merlin himself.
Oh, hell.
Arthur had to catch himself as he sucked in a quick breath. Merlin's sleeping form was curled into a ball, looking more vulnerable that Arthur had ever seen him, his thin blankets crinkled up around him. What disconcerted Arthur the most, however, was Merlin's face. He had the wounded puppy expression on – the one Arthur hated because it made him feel evil for saying no to it – only made ten times worse by the obvious tear stains streaking across his cheeks.
Arthur gulped, suddenly uncertain of how he should react.
Merlin, happy-go-lucky, confident, cocky Merlin, had cried himself to sleep.
He knew how his father would react. He'd probably dump Merlin out of bed then sack him for being such a useless imbecile. The expression on Merlin's face when he did so... Arthur found his thoughts recoiling at the idea and his eyes widened indignantly. Since when did he start caring so much about the man sleeping before him?
Obviously Arthur wasn't completely heartless when it came to the servant. Merlin was loyal, clever (not that he'd ever admit that one out loud), helpful when it came to politics, had some fighting ability (Arthur was still getting over that one), and was the first person other than his father to stand up to him in a very long time. Basically, Merlin had a refreshing personality. And Arthur liked having him around, enough to be concerned by the headaches he'd been getting. But this...
Arthur shifted, unsettled by the raw emotion that was roiling over him as he looked down on Merlin's tear-stained face.
What had happened to make Merlin so depressed? Arthur wondered briefly. Then he shook himself to get rid of his curiosity. If Merlin wanted to let him know, then he would tell him, Arthur told himself firmly.
A voice in the back of his head quietly asked what Arthur had done to deserve Merlin's confidence.
Not that he wanted it.
Quietly, Arthur backed out of the room and re-shut the door with a soft click. No, he wasn't letting Merlin sleep because he felt sorry for for the younger man. He just didn't want to have to deal with the awkward conversation that would come with waking him up. That's right, Arthur thought firmly. Plus, I'm being nice. Merlin will never be able to call me unsympathetic ever again.
Feeling more confident now that he'd gotten his feelings all sorted out, Arthur started back on the long walk to Morgana's chambers. Maybe she could get Guinevere to bring up a second meal...
O o O
Little alarm bells sounded in Merlin's head, interrupting his dream. He blinked awake blearily, feeling grumpy for having been woken up so suddenly, and let his eyes lazily drift towards the window.
That was a really nice sunset. He realized contentedly that he could even see some stars in the distance.
Merlin stared at the scene another second before the realization struck him like lightning. Arthur! He bolted upright, breathing hard. His eyes searched the dark corners of his room for his boots. It wasn't until his feet hit the floor that he realized that he'd never taken them off.
Gaius looked up from his book as Merlin hurled himself out of his room, feet pounding against the floors.
"Why didn't you wake me? Has Arthur come by? Please don't tell me he's fired me, the prat! It's not my fault I... well it sort of is, but why didn't you wake me?"
Merlin stared at Gaius with pleading eyes.
Gaius frowned. "But I did wake you. I pounded on your door and called..." he trailed off with the sudden realization that Merlin hadn't heard him. Guilt filled his heart. "Oh dear, I'm sorry my dear boy. I didn't check to see if you actually woke up," he said miserably.
Merlin continued to stare.
Then he blinked and an expression of mild horror crossed his face as he whirled around to face his bedroom. The real problem became rather obvious as he did so. The silencing spell was still up. As sloppily as he'd put it up, it was a two-way silencing spell. Gaius hadn't been able to hear him crying, but he hadn't been able to hear Gaius's wake-up call.
He groaned, pulling at his bed-hair in annoyance.
Then he glanced back at Gaius, who was looking decidedly guilty. "I put up a silencing spell," Merlin said, not explaining himself, but not wanting his guardian to feel that he was at fault. "Forgot to take it down."
Gaius opened his mouth to lecture him on not being foolish, then closed it again when he realized Merlin was probably already doing that himself.
"Didn't Arthur come storming down here?" Merlin asked in confusion.
Gaius shrugged. "Not while I've been here."
Merlin frowned. Then Arthur had never come down. Merlin would most definitely be awake if he had. Still very confused, Merlin quickly left the room, hurrying down the hallways that were now partially lit by torches. Maybe Arthur had gotten another servant to bring him food. Or maybe, Merlin mused, he'd fallen asleep as well.
Either way, he wasn't going to be very happy when Merlin showed up.
"Merlin!" a familiar voice rang from down the corridor.
He turned and said distractedly, "Oh, hello, Gwen. I'd talk with you – it's been a while hasn't it? – but I'm in a bit of a hurry."
Gwen lifting her skirts slightly as she scrambled up a flight of stairs to reach him. She was smiling. "That's what I want to tell you. Arthur's in Morgana's room!"
Merlin raised his eyebrows. "Arthur is in Morgana's room?" he asked, incredulous.
Gwen nodded excitedly. "He showed up randomly and wanted to have dinner with her," she said. "Morgana was pleased I think. She hasn't really spent much time with him lately. And even if they do fight a lot, they really care a lot about each other."
"So... Arthur isn't mad I was gone?" Merlin asked, brushing aside Gwen's gushing comments.
Gwen tilted her head. "Not really. Which is really lucky, if you think about it," she said after a moment's consideration.
"No kidding," Merlin mumbled in relief.
"He was looking for you earlier, you know," Gwen stated.
Merlin raised his eyebrows.
"I thought he was going down to ask Gaius, but I guess he decided it wasn't worth the effort," Gwen said, trying to make sense of Arthur's strange change in personality. She would have thought that the prince would be hunting Merlin down by now, dragging him by the ankles towards the place Arthur wanted him to be.
"So he didn't say anything at all?" Merlin asked disbelievingly.
"Nope," Gwen said.
Merlin slumped, even more confused than he'd been before.
"What were you doing?" Gwen asked curiously.
"Sleeping," Merlin answered.
"Tiring trip?" she asked sympathetically.
"You have no idea," Merlin sighed.
"You haven't been eating, have you?" she asked, eyes narrowing as she examining his gaunt frame.
Merlin wrinkled his nose. "First Gaius, now you," he complained.
"Merlin..." she warned. "I'm coming by later with something to eat," she said decidedly.
Merlin's eyes lit up. "Really?" he asked, sounding more eager than he'd intended.
"Absolutely," Gwen said with a firm nod.
"You're amazing!" he exclaimed, bouncing up an down.
"You can go," Gwen told him, noticing his agitated state, "I don't want you to get in more trouble than you're already in. Just remember to talk to me later."
"Count on it," Merlin promised with a smile.
Gwen smiled back, suddenly happier than she'd been in days.
The route to Morgana's room was shortened by the short bursts of sprinting he managed to complete when he thought no one was looking. No matter what Gwen said, no matter how friendly a mood Arthur was in, he figured that turning up sooner rather than later was a good idea.
When he arrived at Morgana's door, he nearly burst into the room like he did with Arthur, then remembered that this was a girl's room. So he stopped himself, and knocked three times.
"Come in," came Morgana's voice.
He stiffened, and couldn't believe he'd overlooked the fact that now he'd have to face Morgana. Besides delivering sleeping potions, he'd gotten fairly good at avoiding her. No matter how innocent and caring she was at this stage in her life, she still looked like Morgan le Fay (albeit with no wrinkles). His magic still itched to zap her whenever she was within fifty feet of him.
Sighing slightly, Merlin opened the door and stepped into the room.
Arthur and Morgana were no longer sitting at the table, where some of the dishes from supper still remained. Instead, they had migrated to the chairs in front of her fireplace. Arthur was chuckling at something she'd said, and she had a wry grin on her face. Merlin watched it with interest; he'd forgotten what that expression looked like.
Arthur and Morgana looked up from the fire. Morgana's eyes lit with vague curiosity, but an unreadable expression crossed Arthur's face before he schooled it into one of amusement.
"Ah," the prince said, smiling sideways. "I was wondering when you'd turn up."
"Erm, here I am!" Merlin exclaimed innocently, waving his hand.
"I hope you're well-rested, Merlin, because I'm really in the mood for a bath," Arthur said cockily.
Merlin groaned theatrically, but his mind was reeling with new information.
"Well? Go on, then!" Arthur shooed. "Fetch me when it's ready!"
Merlin stuck out his tongue and walked out of the room, the last thing he heard being Morgana sending a teasing jibe at her half-brother.
Merlin stalked down the hallway towards Arthur's room. What had Arthur meant by 'well-rested'? Had he known Merlin had been sleeping? Had he seen him sleep? Or had he been guessing?
What puzzled him most, was Arthur's nonchalant mood towards the whole matter. What was wrong with him? He always gave Merlin a hard time for being late with meals. Had eating with Morgana really cheered him up that much? Merlin doubted it.
Puzzled, but not unhappy, Merlin continued to walk towards his chore.
O o O
"Thanks for letting me sleep," Merlin said casually, handing Arthur a towel as the prince stepped out of his bath.
Arthur froze as he reached his hand out for the towel, the sound of dripping water suddenly amplified by the following silence.
He swallowed. "It was obvious you weren't going to be any use in that state," he tried to say easily, grabbing the towel out of Merlin's outstretched hands.
He waited for Merlin's reply, but the servant was silent. Arthur shuffled nervously, covering up the movement by drying out his hair.
He was only brave enough to look up when Merlin handed him his pants. When their eyes met, Merlin gave him a lopsided smile before whirling around to deal with Arthur's abandoned towel. So Merlin knew that Arthur knew. Or at least that Arthur knew that he'd been crying.
The situation was less intimidating than Arthur thought it would be. For some reason, this made him feel more confident. Maybe I'll be able to stand up to Merlin more often. He thought it even before he realized what he was thinking. Slightly horrified at himself, he scolded his brain for thinking something that was idiotic enough to be on Merlin's level.
Merlin, on the other hand, was feeling giddy. Maybe that nap had done him more good than he'd thought. Or maybe it was because Arthur had noticed.
