Thank you all for being patient and I thank you for your bookmarks, kudos, and your comments. This chapter contains a bit of weird humor, it isn't permanent and it won't go down that route.

I wish you all a happy belated New Year

*take a deep breath*


I once had dreams (…) but upon an unfortunate series of events saw those dreams dashed and divided like a million stars in the night sky that I wished on over and over again, sparkling and broken.

/

Misato taps her heel against the dirt as she watches the horizon of the beach resting against the hood of her car. She sighs and lifts the picture in her grasp staring at the face of a boy, she flips it and rereads the limited information on the back of it. "Shinji Ikari, age fourteen." She flips it back and frowns "Doesn't look like a fourteen year old…" she shrugs and stuffs the picture in her jacket pocket. Her phone rings and she picks it up grumbling under her breath "Yeah?"

Forty seconds later she's in her car, tires screeching as she drives at a frightening speed.

/

Shinji sits close to the doors of the train even though there were only about ten other passengers left. She hunches her shoulders and decides against turning up her SDAT. She doesn't know who will be picking her up as she sincerely doubts that her father will do so, she hasn't allowed that small fledgling hope to get to her; the only times he shows up to their 'meetings' were at her mother's grave and that is the extent of it.

Shinji watches the scenery wondering what her father has planned since she knows she won't be living with him; she'll probably end up dead or shipped off somewhere else an hour or so into their 'living together'. She also doubts that he knows she was a girl, come to think of it only her mother knew that she was a girl… Shinji pulls herself away from that sequence of thoughts as a bitter taste begins to appear at the back of her throat.

Her stop comes up and she gets off grabbing her bag, her father having sent for her things earlier. She sees no one at the station and she allows herself to frown before she sighs quietly and begins walking off adjusting the strap of her bag. She turns her SDAT up noticing that she needs new batteries before she walks in a random direction. She pauses briefly as it finally hits that she is walking on an empty road. There are no cars. She takes out her earbuds and strains her ears, there's no cacophony of honking horns or loud cursing or even cars zooming past.

Is there some sort of festival? Shinji looks around worriedly before she begins power-walking, she'll ask at the nearest store.

/

Her legs are sore by the time she's climbed up the hill and as she struggles to calm her breathing feeling her skin heat up and burn unpleasantly and begin to perspire; she takes out an earbud and notices that she can't hear anything.

No sounds of human life or even the birds chirping and cicada's cries. She swallows thickly feeling something tug at the back of her mind, she tenses hearing a rumble and looks up. Her eyes widen and she barely contains the scream that wants to leave her throat.

A gargantuan black figure with an outer white skeleton looms over the city; Shinji feels her knees begin to shake as panic sets in. She hears the roar of an engine and snaps her head towards the sound to see a small blue car come to a screeching halt in front of her.

A beautiful woman steps out with a disarming, catty smile and gives her a wink when she notices her. "Hi! You wouldn't happen to be Shinji Ikari, right?"

Shinji grips the strap feeling the ground begin to tremble "I-I'm Shinji…" she squawks as her hand is grabbed and she's manhandled into the car. Shinji buckles herself in as the woman begins driving.

"That picture was totally wrong! Oh, right! I'm Katsuragi Misato." Shinji's hand reaches for the door handle without her permission, Misato laughs nervously seemingly completely at ease as a telephone pole crashes down next to them. Shinji stares at her incredulously although she knew of what usually happened in Tokyo-3 this is her first time seeing it.

"What is that thing?"

Misato hums and jerks the steering wheel nearly causing Shinji's head to smack the window "That's an angel, the third one, Sachiel." She states as if she's talking about the weather.

"My father…?"

"He's at Nerv." Shinji swallows holding onto the door handle and the edge of the seat for dear life as Misato twists and turns never once slowing down. Misato seems ignorant of the younger's unease and deems it necessary to pop a wheelie to avoid a piece of rubble. Shinji prays that she won't get motion sickness.

/

When Misato parks she blinks owlishly as Shinji gets out looking as if 'he's' on the verge of collapse. "You okay?" Shinji nods helplessly before Misato resumes to manhandling and dragging him (her) into the Geofront.

Shinji barely catches onto the words of Nerv and something about Eva and her father. She turns to Misato and gets a good look at her as the older keeps talking; she has dark slate blue hair that curls at the ends and brushes past her shoulders and umber brown eyes. She has a fine-boned face and her voluptuous figure is covered by a form-fitting black dress that ends at mid-thigh, and black kitten heels.

Misato gives her a wink noticing that she is staring causing Shinji to blush out of reflex; she's seen plenty of others get winked at or wink at someone but she's never been the one of the receiving or giving end of those actions. It's confusing, though it doesn't make her skin want to crawl off any less.

/

Shinji stands in front of a giant purple mecha that seems like it's calling out to her and if the world slowed down and she closes her eyes, she can hear it. She steps away under the pretext of being frightened of the machine but she's afraid of what it makes her feel.

Her father's voice comes from the walls and Shinji realizes that this is why her father wants her back, why the sudden interest in her had sprung about. Shinji…isn't disappointed, she's come to accept that her father will never truly… but that doesn't stop her; hope, that still clings to the corroded cage of her acrimonious, bruised heart, dies once more in its resting place though she knows it'll sprout once again. She pushes away the clawing resentment, internalizing it, numbing herself to the pain as he speaks of the mecha, named Eva-01.

She diffusely hears his order, because whenever they speak it's always orders, he's never spoken in any other tone. She dares to look up ignoring Misato's appealing tone and her half-assed encouragements and when she locks eyes with her father it feels like she's seven and three years old again; her hands begin to twitch and she clenches them into fists as apprehension claws at her throat and causes her lungs to feel like there are shards of ice piercing them. She begins to object and her father brings out a girl.

Shinji's eyes go wide when she sees the girl on the hospital bed being wheeled out; the other stares vacantly ahead with her only useable eye. The other can't walk let alone pilot but Shinji isn't focused on that, she feels something; in multiples. Nostalgia is one of them as it brushes her mind, though she's never seen this girl before. Ire, at her father for using this unknown girl in order to have her do as he wishes and at herself because she knows that with a few well-placed words she'll crumble. Sadness, not pity, tugs at her heart strings as the girl neither moves or blinks uncaring for her condition. And need her mind whispers that she needs this girl, for what she is uncertain, and the ferocity of this emotion scares her.

Her mind begins whispering that if this girl dies, she will regret it for years to come. She needs this girl to be safe, needs for this girl to recognize her-to see Shinji and no one else. The girl moves then struggling to sit up as the building begins to tremble, Shinji sees the rubble falling and tugs the girl away holding her close attempting to protect her with her own body even though the chances of the other surviving are non-existent should the rubble actually crush Shinji.

But the rubble never makes contact, Shinji raises her head and sees that the mecha moved on its own sheltering Shinji and the other girl from damage. She hears someone shout out orders, to remove Rei. Rei, must be the girls' name. Rei is a beautiful name. A hidden memory surfaces then as Shinji lets Rei go; she can't make much out but it's like the scene from a movie in sepia tones and she can only see her mother's smile, 'I should have named you Rei instead of Shinji… but I couldn't resist. I loved the name Shinji and you are my love…' Shinji blinks away tears and looks up to see that the hand was still over her head, when she turns to it she feels that tugging from earlier.

She isn't aware of what she's doing before they're shoving her into a small cramped space and it fills with water.

/

The smell and taste of blood makes her cringe and brings back unwanted memories; her mother's death, her first bleeding, death, fear, death, rejection, death, death, death-

She only calms when she feels a faint brush against the back of her neck and across her brow and when she opens her eyes, she sees Tokyo-3 being ruined. She looks about for anything that looks familiar and hears Misato shouting for her to move. Shinji does so, half out of her wits in fear; the Eva-01 moves sluggishly and stilted as if it were a puppet on frayed strings. She hears Misato telling her to calm down and to destroy the Angel and she wants to protest because she's never done anything like this before; she doesn't know how to pilot, doesn't even know what the Eva's are.

But she tries and fails but she gets up and tries again. It's only until the Eva-01 is being crushed and she feels the pressure forcing the limited air out of her lungs that she grows fearful and wordlessly cries for her mother.

She feels pain stab her left eye and clutches at it as something that feels like it's scorching her mind shocks her nervous system. Shinji cries out and the world around her bleeds a white that is actually black. What she feels next is a mixture of her inhibited resentment and torment; she wants to bite, to tear flesh, to utterly and unreservedly rescind what is causing her to feel this way. However the cause isn't there but there is an Angel; Shinji disregards the way her eyes sting and how her teeth feel like they've elongated, as she gives into the tempo of battle.

The jubilation she feels as she viciously rips the Angel apart repulses her and she blacks out when, as a final testament of victory, the Eva takes the Angel's mask between its teeth, rips it away, and crushes it swallowing some pieces as the rest dissolves into red liquid.

Shinji is ignorant of the roar that rings through the air and of the ghost of her mother standing in front of her shedding a red tear that dissolves into the LCL before she smiles, turns and fades back into the Eva's core.

/

Shinji wakes in sparse moments, an elderly man stands next to her speaking in a muffled tone but when he says something about her clothes it makes her fight the pull of sleep. "Don't tell, mom said never tell." Her frantic, hoarse plea makes the man fall silent but when he nods and swears to keep the secret she allows herself to fall back asleep.

Fuyutsuki has changed her clothes only then seeing the binding on Shinji's chest and the slight swell. He says nothing and hurriedly changes the girl wondering how Yui had been able to keep her child's gender a secret; he knows that Gendo has no idea, judging by the way the man treats his 'son'.

Kozo Fuyutsuki keeps a silent vigil over the slumbering child of the woman he once loved; as he watches the boy—no, Yui's child is a girl, although the reason as to why she hid the gender of her child remains unknown Fuyutsuki will say nothing, simply because Yui wishes it to be unknown. He finds Yui in her daughter's face; the shape of her face, her cheekbones, her chin, her nose. She was almost an exact replica of Yui with the exception of the tainted genes given to her by Gendo; such as the hair and eye coloring.

Fuyutsuki will keep this secret well much like he has with the secret of his love for Yui; his smile becomes almost predatory at the thought of what Gendo will do when he finds out that his 'son' is actually the daughter he wished for, one that looked too much like Yui. But there is always the possibility that Gendo would treat Shinji this way no matter the gender or sex because for Gendo there has only been and will only be Yui. [He will forever refuse to accept that he may be the same]

/

Shinji wakes up a day later with her father and Rei staring at her, Gendo demands answers; answers that Shinji can't give because she doesn't remember. Gendo seems irate and Shinji finds the urge to cringe and Gendo explains in terse tones of what occurred though Shinji knows he's leaving something out; Rei is silent next to him and Shinji struggles not to look at her and beg her not to look at her or listen.

Gendo stares at the pathetic lump of flesh that took Yui's love from him; it looked far too much like Gendo and too little of Yui in order for him to care too much about it. Gendo surmises his explanation leaving out that the Eva-01 went berserk knowing that it, his son, would remember later. As he leaves with Rei following at his side he states that it will live with Katsuragi from now on.

Shinji stares as they leave and when the door slides shut, she wraps her arms around herself and rocks back and forth. "So I prayed as I stroked my belly…" Shinji's voice trembles and breaks as she tries holding back tears, "I wondered what you would look like, I wondered what you would sound like." She tried imagining her mother holding her as her arms wound tighter around herself feeling anxiety claw at the back of her throat as she contained the sobs that wish to escape. She could have died and her father… "You've cried enough and hug your knees. Don't worry, I'll stay with you," Shinji whimpers and continues rocking "I will be with you, whatever may come..."

"…I will watch you from afar as you pick a path to walk…" Shinji bites her lips savagely as sobs keep threatening to escape, she grabs her pillow, the IV in her arm snapping against the metal bars on the bed; she shoves her face into the pillow and hugs it muffling her sobs.

Misato watches silently feeling something swell in her chest, quietly she exits shifting the door up ever so slightly so as not to alert the sobbing teen of her presence as she exits. She waits crossing her arms outside the door as the muffled sobbing continues for ten minutes.

/

Shinji dries her eyes and flips the pillow to hug the dry side; her shoulders still tremble and she sniffles but she's ceased her rocking motions. She wants the few possessions of her mother at her side or her mother's perfume, just a spritz on the pillow to calm her and pretend that her mother is here.

After five minutes a knock sounds on the door and Shinji isn't sniffling but her eyes are still red-rimmed and puffy eyed. She places the pillow back wincing as the IV needle shifts marginally. "C-come in."

Misato pops in smiling and if she notices that Shinji still looks steps away from crying, she says nothing which Shinji is grateful for. "Your things have been moved to my place!" Shinji stares at her hands and Misato doesn't quite falter "So whenever you're ready we can go." Shinji nods and Misato exits after a few more seconds. Shinji changes and pins her hair back to look like it should. She exits the room after making sure nothing is out of place, she gives Misato a nod and follows her towards her car.

"Don't worry Shinji, I'm not too strict!" Shinji grabs onto the door handle and grips the edge of the seat as Misato pulls away with a loud screech; thankfully there's some traffic so Misato isn't driving like the hounds of hell are at their heels. Shinji is just thankful that she won't get motion sickness. "I've got some of your stuff in the back, but before we go to the apartment we're going grocery shopping." Shinji makes to say something when Misato jerks the wheel, Shinji's head thumps against the window. Misato smiles apologetically as Shinji rubs the side of her head but when they get to the store Shinji stares at Misato's hopeless form incredulously as she stocks up on instant ramen and beer. But says nothing merely pointing out sales before Misato turns to her and smiles "Sorry, I'm only used to doing this for one person."

Shinji gives her a smile that looks more like a pained grimace remaining quiet even though Misato urges her to pick things that cater to her taste rather than hers. Misato works hard to keep smiling at Shinji's quiet and high-pitched refusals that everything is fine and she doesn't need to go out of her way. I'm not that important, Shinji wants to say, you don't need to do these things. You'll only end up leaving anyway, so why bother. Shinji doesn't mind it, she's used to it [she's lying].

/

Shinji isn't exactly sure what to say when Misato opens the door to her apartment; there's a substantial mess but it appears comfortable. "Welcome home!"

Shinji feels a shiver run along her soul at the invitation, at the small want to make sure that this works. To make sure that she doesn't make an epic failure of this and be able to show people, show others; show her father that she is capable of being a human. That she is capable of being. Shinji removes her shoes and places them in a corner of the entrance neatly and Misato does the same; she ushers Shinji inside and Shinji sees the seven boxes containing most of her things. Misato lets her unpack while she puts everything away.

In her new room Shinji stares around at the four walls that will house her for an unknown period, she swallows thickly wondering if her sensei and his wife are fine before she shakes her head and begins unpacking. She hides the box of her mother's things in her petite closet underneath two rows of shirts; she leaves certain things in boxes and places them precisely out and away from would be curious eyes. Once done Shinji leaves her room and blinks to find Misato in a faded yellow camisole and shredded hot pants, her hair in a messy bun as she sips at a can of beer. As Shinji nears her she can see that Misato is on her fourth can.

Misato gives her a cheery wave and Shinji gives a reflexive, stilted wave back "Hey Shinji," Shinji's eyes narrow at the croon "do you mind cooking dinner?" Shinji blinks owlishly and nods eager for some normalcy, donning on the frilled pink apron without a care. Misato watches in fascination as Shinji begins cooking; slicing and dicing using ingredients Misato didn't even know she had. She sips at her beer watching as Shinji bustles away and makes a sound when Shinji makes to use the wrong fridge "Not that one, he'll be upset if you open that without his permission." Shinji blinks at her before nodding unsure of what Misato means.

Shinji knows better than to ask questions and so she settles back into cooking. Since she's so used to cooking for three, she makes a bit too much while Misato nearly drools at the delicious scent that begins filling the apartment. She blushes and apologizes, stammering all the while but Misato takes a curious bite and Shinji can almost swear she sees stars in those pretty, umber brown eyes. "This is great! Shinji, you should always cook!" Shinji gives her an unsteady smile laughing nervously as Misato proceeds to disregard all decorum and begins eating.

Shinji joins in at a much slower, cleaner pace flushing and fidgeting fretfully as Misato continues to shower her cooking skills with praise.

As Misato said, she isn't strict, as she informs Shinji of the rules which basically consist of; don't drink Misato's beer (not until she's legal), no wild parties (unless she can attend and doesn't have to be present at work the next day), try getting good grades, and try going to bed at a reasonable time but most importantly don't drink Misato's beer. Shinji nods along and asks to take a bath still feeling as if her skin will shrivel into itself from her stay in the hospital.

/

Misato agrees and Shinji goes to bathe while Misato is on her seventh beer; Misato blinks owlishly as she remembers that Pen-

Misato nearly flies out of her skin hearing a quite feminine shriek but continues sipping at her beer. The door to the bathroom slams open as Pen-Pen waddles out looking nervous and when Misato looks up to ask what's wrong, her eyes widen seeing Shinji who is clearly not a boy.

What really happened after Pen-Pen waddled out was that Misato took a large, final sip of her beer and looked up to see a naked Shinji soaking wet with shampoo foam in her loose hair and some soap suds falling from her still developing form. Misato ends up half choking and half spitting out her beer before her and Pen-Pen takes her next one. Shinji looks down and shrieks flinging herself back into the bathroom leaving Misato to ponder just what the hell she's gotten herself into.

When she hears the muffled crying from Shinji (or does she go by another name?) Misato scrambles to the bathroom door. She knocks on it ignoring the urge to just unlock the door "Shinji, it's okay; I'm not upset that you're a girl." She's not upset, truly she isn't; she just wants to know how the hell no one else knew. She could ask the Commander but judging by how he treated Shinji and called Shinji his son, and how Shinji had dressed that day…

Clearly Gendo Ikari is not the person to ask. "Please don't tell." The desperation in that soft voice and the outright pathetic sobs make Misato rub her face.

"All right, Shinji I promise. Just finish bathing and we can talk about this further, okay?" she hears a plausible answer and goes back towards the table and clears it glaring at Pen-Pen but she knows that it's partially her fault. "Well, at least I'm not hung-over." She states to Pen-Pen who blinks at her with unconcerned eyes and goes back to his fridge; Misato grumbles under her breath about lousy pets and confusing non-boys who are really girls and commanders who shouldn't be parents.

/

Shinji comes out looking like her world has come crashing down and Misato gestures for her to sit; she's already chugged on something stronger than beer but she is still lucid despite the ten beers. Shinji sits down looking like she's ready to bolt "Okay Shinji, I need you to explain…"

Shinji stares at her with wide eyes and Misato waits repeating her request in a quiet, firm voice. "I… I've always been a girl but my mom said that I should never tell anyone…" Shinji worries her bottom lip to the point where she can taste the slightest hint of blood, "so I didn't. I hid everything that I could and I…" Misato nods and processes this information slowly ignoring the way Shinji's body tilts to break into a run towards the exit.

"But why hide it?"

Shinji looks uncomfortable and shrugs causing Misato to want to growl at her that shrugging is not an answer "I… I never knew why she wanted me to hide that I was a girl… I just kept hiding because everyone thought I was a boy…" Misato inhales another beer can in one and opens up another one "Father doesn't know…no one does…just you." Misato tenses when Shinji begins to prostrate herself, Misato's mouth goes dry and her eyes widen "So please, don't tell anyone, I'll do anything just please…"

Misato gapes unattractively floundering to try and make sense of the situation before she shakes herself and decides that she'll figure this out when she is on the precarious edge of being drunk; "Shinji…" Shinji continues begging and Misato bites back the urge to snap at her to stop gravelling and straighten up "Shinji!" Shinji snaps her head up and Misato gestures for her to have a seat when the other does so hesitantly Misato clears her throat "Now Shinji, this is something huge and while I don't fully understand why you're hiding your gender I won't tell a soul." Shinji gives her a hopeful smile causing Misato's insides to churn and gain an icy feeling "but someday you are going to have to tell Dr. Akagi." She holds up a hand when Shinji makes to protest "And only because she has to make sure the pilots are healthy." She hopes that Shinji doesn't notice the hesitation in her voice.

"Only her?" At Misato's nod Shinji relaxes marginally "She'll keep it a secret?"

"Yes." Misato will probably have to try and manipulate Ritsuko into believing or thinking that it's an experiment which means that Misato will have to lie, Ritsuko will see through it, and Misato will have to bribe her into keeping silence with either some new technology or a few months' worth of cigarettes either way her wallet is going to suffer before Ritsuko will agree and probably only because she'll want to see the outcome.

Damn scientific genius co-workers.

Shinji blinks as Misato begins grumbling under her breath about scientists and cigarettes, she quietly excuses herself after Misato crushes her still full beer in her hands and goes to her room. Shinji stares up at the ceiling counting the imperfections as La Gazza Ladra plays in her ears; 'An unfamiliar ceiling… how long will this last?' Shinji is not foolish enough to think that if she refuses to pilot that she will stay here; her father can barely tolerate being aware of her presence, it's almost painful enough being in the same city. Shinji wonders if she feels the same, if she ever did but all she feels is that empty numb feeling near the pit of her stomach. There is no anger, no happiness, there is simply just a numbing sense of apathy that doesn't startle Shinji as it should.

After all, it's been there since she was three.


The song Shinji is mumbling is Okaasan no Uta from Wolf Children (if you haven't watched it, don't)