*nervously slides in* Hey... I'm sorry for being gone so long and I sincerely apologize for the quality of this chapter. Now I know you don't read the authors notes but please read them for this chapter, I need you to know there's rape between a fourteen-year-old girl and a thirty-year-old man.

Please skip over that part if it'll trigger you using CTRL+F the section that begins it says *Skip* and the section ending it says *Skipped*.


Greetings from space/ I am lost without a trace/ Without a face, number or name

Here we could stay/ It feels nice to get away/ from all the pain/ The world has gone insane

/

Ayanami is uncertain of what to make of the Third Child. Unreliable, more prone to running than fighting. A borderline-nihilist. Coward.

Everything that Commander Ikari condemns yet he is also the same. It goes against everything that she has been taught.

Sacrifice yourself to save others. You are replaceable. If you fail, another will take your place and continue from there.

Ikari, the Third Child, seems to want to leave his mark on the world and yet he wants to condemn it at the same time. Stuck between two parallels, neither winning, so he stays and stagnates.

Ayanami likens Ikari to quantum physics: top, bottom, strangeness.

"Ayanami," Rei looks over at Ikari who has a light blush on his face. Blushes can be caused by nerves, arousal, or embarrassment. Ayanami has never been able to decipher the lesser emotions so she is…unsure as to what Ikari is feeling.

"Would you like to come with us to the aquarium? Kaji-san already gave us permission…"

Ayanami stares at Ikari for a long pause enough to make Ikari take a step back, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to push. Come if you can, okay? It's really okay if you can't since you have to rest." Ikari leaves something on the desk near her bedside, gives her a smile and leaves after excusing himself.

"How strange."

/

The day is unexpected, Ikari's two friends largely ignore her for the most part having dubbed her as 'shy' and the Second Child is as crass as usual.

Ikari tries to stay close to her and Ayanami stares at the fish in the tank. She is like them, only able to live in a slotted space. Neither being allowed to truly live without dying. Unable to reach out and actively pursue something because what is the point of attempting to form structure if it will all crumble away when she is replaced.

"It's cramped."

"They cannot live outside of this tank, they are just like me."

Ikari stares at her in confusion before his brows furrow, it is not pity that he exudes but curiosity. Top, bottom, strangeness. Ikari opens his mouth to say something but decides against it and instead settles by her side and they watch them swim in a never-ending circle.

/

Shinji uncaps the thermos and kneels in front of Ayanami pouring some soup into the cup and presents it to her, all flustered nerves and fragile hope. "Here, this doesn't have any meat in it."

Ayanami takes it, like Shinji has given her a new puzzle to figure out. She sips at it and she pulls back, and Shinji can only watch with quiet awe and bubbling happiness when Ayanami's carnelian red eyes gain a shine to them and a not quite there smile tugs at her lips.

"It's good." Ayanami says holding the cup closer to her, looking down at her reflection and Shinji feels a sweet elation kissing along her spine and nuzzling her heart as butterflies flutter in her stomach.

She feels out of place and out of order but for a brief matter of minutes, Shinji can feel the cold inside of her disappear much like it does when she's with Toji and Kensuke.

She glances around, Toji glaring at Pen-Pen and Kensuke talking about his camera with a patient Kaji-san nodding every so often, and Asuka eating and adding her own two cents whenever she deemed it necessary.

And now Ayanami is smiling, gently like the bud of a flower waiting to flourish, and Shinji sits back next to her and watches them all.

The sun is out shining like an ornament to crown this day, the scent of sea salt fills her lungs and Shinji smiles, freely and wonderfully for the first time in what feels like eons.

/

Her cellphone rings one day and Shinji stares at it in surprise, no one calls her barring Toji and Kensuke and they've just left so there is no reason for them to call her. Misato is at work and they would know if something was wrong. Asuka would scream at her rather than call her if she was nearby and for the most part Asuka prefers to ignore that Shinji exists barring mealtimes.

Shinji answers anyway and presses the phone to her ear, "Hello?"

"Shinji-kun?"

Shinji's eyes widen and her lips twitch, "Sensei! Hello!" She nearly drops her phone when she hears her sensei laugh.

"I've never heard you sound so happy."

Shinji blinks owlishly. Happy? I'm happy? She thinks about earlier today; Ayanami's smile, Asuka's gruff praise. Toji and Pen-Pen fighting over food. Kensuke's excited babbling. The ocean breeze… yes. I'm happy.

Shinji begins to talk about her day and she listens to her sensei watching the sunset on the balcony.

She is… okay.

/

There is a spark of blue with white at the center when she lands into water. This time however, she sees the sunlight peeking through the waves. "You're getting closer." A gruff angry voice catches her ears and she looks up to see. She screams and covers her eyes as a sharp stabbing pain blares beneath her corneas.

The ocean groans and turns deep red.

She feels millions of eyes on her and when she turns back, a scream bubbles in her throat and dies.

Suddenly as a hand wraps around her throat and chokes her. Bright red eyes stare into her own as a hand is placed above her chest. She feels something respond.

"Remember us!" it speaks and she trembles when the light returns. The Third Angel! "Remember us!" The sky becomes a deep black, thunder and lightning groan and crack overhead ominously. Lightning strikes the water and it vanishes leaving her to breathe.

"-loves us! Loves you and me. – loves us so much, remember that." She frowns her heart feeling odd as the ocean turns blue again. A spasm and she curls into a ball.

The water contracts crushing her. Save me! Someone help! HELP!

"Remember –'s name, he'll always be there!"

Feeling her limbs begin to give way and break as her lungs are being crushed under the strain, Shinji throws her head back and screams. "KAWORU-KUN!"

~.~.~

Shinji's eyes snap open as her body goes ramrod straight, she can't move. A deep chill penetrates itself into her flesh sinking into her bones. She tries breathing deeply finding that she can only breathe shallowly and she's not getting enough air in her lungs. She tries calling out for help, eyes widening when not even a groan will escape. She tries flexing her fingers but she can't move.

Can't breathe.

The chill is sinking deeper and deeper, nestling further into her soul. Her mind races, thoughts jumbling together at a frightening speed. "Remember –'s name, he'll always be there!" She doesn't know the name, has never even heard of it. But…

'Kaworu-kun…'

The chill disappears leaving her with a deep, weary exhaustion and aching bones. She struggles to shift onto her side and manages to get onto the floor and she sleeps as Chopin's Nocturne Op. 2 No. 2 begins to play in her ears.

She wonders why she likes Ayanami so much, why she must form a connection with her, it's a question that she's asked herself at different times but she can never truly develop an answer. Ayanami is strange, much like a rag doll in a room full of porcelain dolls. Like a somber corner in a bright and cheery room. Ayanami did not fit into any mold or in any group.

Shinji smiles, broken bitterness at the core when she realizes that she cannot differentiate between herself and Ayanami.

/

She wonders why she likes Ayanami so much, why she must form a connection with her, it's a question that she's asked herself at different times but she can never truly develop an answer. Ayanami is strange, much like a rag doll in a room full of porcelain dolls. Like a somber corner in a bright and cheery room. Ayanami did not fit into any mold or in any group.

/

"How can I trust someone who abandoned me?" Bitterness heavy on her tongue and yet it stretched further than that, wrapping around her almost like a cloak.

The slap stings far more than it should. Shinji touches her cheek and stares at Ayanami's small frame as she continues walking away.

Shinji can feel her eyes burn and anger kiss and nip at her when her father's image is transposed onto Ayanami.

Why do you keep abandoning me? the child within her screams.

Why do you keep running away? She wants to ask.

She opens her mouth to say something, anything heedless of what might come out but it's useless. Ayanami is gone, taking with her the chance to demand and answer from the image of her father.

Loneliness and abandonment, her unwanted companions remain by her side heavy bodies on her shoulders.

/

Rei is… alive.

She is alive. [a doll cannot possess the will to live. A puppet cannot possess the will to live.]

She has a soul. (half of one)

She is… aloof.

Inside of Rei there is a soul and she has a heart. She has read enough books to know that those two things are enough to classify one as a living thing but Ikari often looks at her and asks if she likes something. She has never known the word. To like.

What would it be like to actually form an attachment to something and for it to stay?

Ayanami stares at her wall. Top. Bottom. Strangeness in the center. She has long since learned to never truly form attachments. [You are replaceable.] Ayanami catches the glimpse of moonlight hitting those glasses. Her heart gives a particularly painful thump.

Does she truly like the Commander? He is the one who tells her that she is replaceable, he is the one she listens to most often. The commander. Gendo. Gendo Ikari. Gendo Ayanami.

She feels her face flush and places a hand to her cheek hearing the faint echo of a slap and brings her hand to her face. The burning in her face caused by the sudden rush of blood fading. "Ikari-kun." Ikari Shinji, son of Ikari Gendo and Ikari Yui. She knows that the Commander dislikes talking of him, dislikes recalling the boy's existence.

"How can I trust someone who abandoned me?"

The sound of the slap echoes again and she stares at her hand. She's been informed that when a human strikes another there is often an action. The other either cries, strikes back, or runs away. Ikari-kun had merely stared at her before ducking her head and showing an odd smile. [Bitterness. Resignation.]

Ikari-kun had not done anything, had merely marched towards the doors slid her new personnel card through and left it there.

She…felt something. She did not understand what it was. (Regret? Confusion?)

She is human because she can feel. [but feel what?] she is human because she has a soul. [half a soul is not a soul.]

Rei lays on her stomach and listens to her thoughts and detaches herself.

/

"Shinji-kun?"

Shinji looks up blinking owlishly at the boy, whose face is shadowed yet his smile and kind eyes are visible. Her heart thuds painfully and she rests a hand over her chest, "Are you alright, Shinji-kun?"

Her face warms and he extends his hand a soft laugh escaping him, "Come with me, Shinji-kun."

Shinji feels herself smile and she extends her hand, centimeters before she can take his hand she screams in horror when he is decapitated.

Shinji sits up and cradles her head, inhale for seven counts and exhale for six. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat until calm. She looks down at her hands clenching and unclenching them. 'Ask Ayanami-san, she'll know exactly what I'm talking about.'

That playful look and smile, that something in his eyes. His warmth and laughter.

Shinji feels her face flush and she shudders. Inhale for seven counts. Exhale for six. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

She'll ask Ayanami later.

She has to.

/

When she dreams once more, Shinji finds herself on the blue ocean floor staring up as the sunlight streamed through.

There was nothing around her and she didn't need to breathe. It was comforting just sitting here and letting everything slip away. Shinji gasps and winces clutching her chest, something pulls at her. Tug, tug it back.

Shinji focuses on tugging and tugs and finally she hears a shattering noise. She looks back and sees a boy who looks like her. He's different; gruff around the edges with a scowl on his face and a band-aid across his nose.

"Let me guess, you're Shinji too."

Shinji stares up at him before she stands and this Shinji Two sputters. "What's wrong?"

Shinji Two shakes his head and sighs "Nothing," he says flippantly before crossing his arms "why did you pull me here?"

"You were tugging at me!" Shinji says hands fisting at her side and Shinji Two raises a brow. "Do you know about the silver haired boy?"

His eyes widen and he takes a step back "Why the hell would I know anything about that weirdo!?"

Shinji steps up to him feeling a smile take over her face "Please, tell me about Kaworu-kun!"

Shinji Two balks and crosses his arms "No."

Shinji stares at him in disappointment before she gets angry and shouts, he responds by shouting and then he pushes her.

Her back meets the ground painfully and instead of giving in to the tears that sting the back of her eyes; she gives into anger getting up and lunging at her male double. "Tell me about him!"

A punch to the nose, an elbow to the jaw. Hair pulling, biting. Her forehead crashes against the other Shinji's and she tries to strangle him and he flips her. He's straddling her and he has his hands around her throat, she responds by trying to stick her thumb into his eye socket.

"I killed him!"

Silence descends and Shinji is submerged in the ocean losing sight of the other who remains standing on the surface.

/

Shinji doesn't have the courage ask Ayanami if she knows the boy with silver hair and bright garnet colored eyes.

*skip*

A day passes and then another before Shinji finally decides to ask Ayanami about Kaworu and she warily makes her way towards the derelict buildings that Ayanami lived in. She knocks and hears nothing before worry decides to unfurl. What if Ayanami was hurt? What if someone snuck in and hurt her? "what if"s began to bounce along her skull and she could nearly feel their attempt to seep out of her skin and finally she makes her way inside.

Her eyes widen as she stares at Ayanami, on her back gasping and wincing as her father thrusts into her. Ayanami then reaches towards her father's face and brushes her fingertips against his temple. Shinji watches as her father sobs out her mother's name. Frigid tremors cause her shoulders to shake.

She feels disgusted, like she needs to gouge her eyes out and skin herself.

Her father thrusts once then twice and shudders calling out her mother's name before he collapses on top of Ayanami, panting and pressing kisses to her face.

Shinji steps back covering her mouth before she turns and breaks off into a run. She makes it one block and then another before she finally gives into her nausea. It burns as her wretched mind replays the action. Ayanami who was so lonely and her father who was a cold, unfeeling man. How dare he betray her mother's memory—how dare he use Ayanami!?

Shinji continues to dry heave and clutches her stomach. Disgusting. Ugly. Indecent. Monster.

Her eyes glow electric green. "How disgusting."

*Skipped*

"It has begun."

"So, she is the next Mother."

"Mother? You mean the next Whore of Babylon-"

"Will she not become the next Messiah?"

"Cease such heresy! The child of Ikari is a woman and therefore she holds no place in our plan!"

"The Adam Child-"

Keel Lorenz stares down at the screen "Adam returns solely for Lilith; to conquer her." Silence. "To right the Original Sin, we must achieve Instrumentality. A woman incapacitated the true seed and therefore a woman must activate it."

"A woman, Lorenz? Ikari's child-"

"Is the most unstable and Adam is drawn to her inexplicably. Either Adam will crown her the next Primordial Mother or he will crown her the Whore of Babylon and cast her away to achieve Instrumentality."

"And if she is the next Messiah?"

"A woman cannot possibly be the next Messiah." Keel feels his lips twitch an old, forgotten sensation. "Adam will bring us to Instrumentality, SEELE will no longer be needed afterwards."

"God's in his heaven, all's right with the world."

"What shall we tell Commander Ikari?"

"Nothing, as he has kept his silence, so shall we."

/

Ayanami is in danger. I won't let her be like Asuka!

Shinji ignores all else, feeling like there are threads tightening into a noose around her neck. Whether to strangle her or make her a puppet, she isn't sure. Shinji enters the cockpit of the EVA and watches as the angel eats Ayanami.

She snarls, eyes turning red and she launches herself into battle. Only one being would survive the battle, and Shinji has no intention of losing.

"Give me back Ayanami."

/

"Ayanami!" Rei opens her eyes and looks up, red eyes widening when she sees Ikari. Ikari who is a girl not a boy.

Ikari takes her into her arms and Ayanami is, still, perplexed at why she feels warm and content. She feels. "I promise that my father won't hurt you anymore. I promise that he won't ever use you again!"

There is an unfamiliar stinging in the back of her eyes and a foreign tightness in her throat but she isn't being strangled. And Rei decides to ignore it and focus on being held. Warm. Content. Safe. She wants to keep feeling this way. She doesn't feel the permanent chill her body usually feels or the numbness. She wants to keep feeling this way, forever.

If she becomes one with Ikari-kun, she will always feel this way. I want to become one. I always want to feel this way. Ikari. Ayanami. Rei. Shinji. "I'm sorry." She whispers fearing that she will break the comforting silence, that Ikari will leave her once she realizes that she is truly empty inside. [Half a soul. Replaceable.]

Her vision becomes glassy and wavers. Tears. (Tears, humans produce tears out of happiness, out of sadness, they are produced out of frustration as well). She feels a tightness in her chest and her skin burns underneath. Shame. Embarrassment.

She feels Ikari nuzzle her temple and feels the smile that crosses the others lips, oddly affectionate. "Don't be sorry. It's alright Ayanami, I've got you. Forever."

Her eyes widen again and the tears fall. And for the first time, Ayanami feels like another human being.

A small, elated smile appears on her face as another set of tears escape. Forever, her mind chants. Forever, her core sings. Forever.

"Always." She croaks out feeling her core begin to resonate in her chest attempting to synchronize with Ikari's. She nuzzles back feeling the warmth inside of her expand.

Always.

Always.

Al-

A lance breaks through their connection piercing her and Ikari and Ayanami feels her body melt away. She extends a hand towards Ikari who has fallen unconscious. Her fingers dissolve before she can brush Ikari's cheek.

Rei wills herself to encompass Ikari, never allowing the other presence near. Rei will watch over Ikari and keep her safe, like the moon in the night until the sun rises and destroys the peace.

Knowing that she will be able to continue protecting Ikari, Rei pretends she and Ikari are wrapped in each other. Holding hands and their foreheads pressed together. Asleep. Untroubled.

Ayanami imagines staring at Ikari's face and lifting a hand up cupping Ikari's cheek, remembering the words Ikari said when she came to save her. "I'll protect you too, my dear friend."

She gasps when her form returns faintly and her face warms when Ikari places her hand over hers before bringing Ayanami so close that she can feel her breath along her cheek. "Forever, Rei-chan."

Ikari puts their foreheads together and smiles, Ayanami feels her eyes burn again and she closes her eyes and smiles wide. She feels like her chest is going to explode, and for a moment she feels real.

Ayanami dissolves again, warm and elated around Ikari, and dreams for the first time.

["Ikari-kun, what does it mean to be friends?"

Ikari stares at her in confusion, before she smiles, "I think it's forming a close bond with someone. You don't like the same things but you are happy when your friend is happy, you have fun with them, and you always want to see them happy."

Ayanami stares at Ikari before tilting her head, "Are you my friend?"

Ikari stares at her in shock before she giggles "Of course, Ayanami!"]


I apologize and will see myself out.