A/N: My sincere apologies for the long delay in updating. Many thanks to all of you readers who have added this story to favorites, put this story on alert, and special thanks to all of you who have reviewed. You guys are the best!

I'd like to thank katmom very much. [bows] Strong is she with the Beta Force.

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all the characters, I'm just playing with them. No copyright infringement is intended.


Ch. 9 Pariah

Carlisle, Esme and Rosalie were waiting for us in the living room. Esme sat on one of the couches, her brows drawn in concern. She held Carlisle's hand as he stood next to her. Rosalie sat opposite from Esme, her expression pure resignation. Before I could begin to blurt out what had happened, Esme rose quickly with her arms outstretched and wrapped me in a soft embrace. Apparently, Alice had already informed the family.

"Bella, you mustn't blame yourself," Esme murmured, after she released me. There was no blame in her eyes, but I couldn't help but begin to blubber.

"I'm sorry. It-it happened so fast," I stammered.

"It's all right, Bella," Carlisle spoke, voice soft with compassion. "It's unfortunate, but something that happens in our world."

There was no doubting the sincerity in Carlisle's words, but it was too much of a stretch for me to accept the deaths of my friends as an unavoidable, but forgivable, accident. "I'm sorry I'm so much trouble. I was having too much fun racing with the boys. I…I didn't even recognize them until after I–" I couldn't continue, and fumbled to a halt.

"It's my fault completely, Carlisle," Edward asserted. "We know how unpredictable newborns can be. I should have kept better control of the situation."

"We could all have been a little more responsible." Carlisle waved a hand, no rebuke in his voice. "But nothing can be done to change the past. The question now is how to deal with it."

"We also may have more to deal with than we first thought," Jasper added. "When we arrived at the spot where Bella first scented those humans and took off after them, I could only faintly smell the trail. Bella how strong would you say that scent was?"

I shuddered trying not to think of that succulent flavor. "Almost as strong as scenting you right now."

Edward's eyebrows rose as he took that in. "You were already sensitive to the smell of blood as a human. At least it doesn't make you ill anymore." His face looked odd with his brows still knitted in pain, and a wry smirk touching the corners of his mouth.

Carlisle pursed his lips, rubbing his chin. "So you're more sensitive to blood than the rest of us. We'll definitely have to be more careful with you."

"I took care of things," Emmett announced as he walked into the room. He sat down next to Rosalie and put his arm around her, his beefy biceps a sharp contrast to her slender shoulders.

Carlisle nodded. "Same procedure then. Alice will keep an eye open. Then we watch and see if there is any suspicion. But be prepared to move quickly, all right?" He cast his eyes around the family, and they all nodded. "Now let me take a look at Edward. It's not often I get to treat one of our own."

I looked at Jasper and Emmett. "Are you two okay?"

Emmett shrugged. "A little sore but okay. Why?"

"I was fighting with you, too. How come you're not hurt and Edward is?" My voice came out a little more accusing than I intended it. Thankfully, Emmett took no notice and shrugged his huge shoulders.

"Oh, Jasper and me have been fighting without Edward's advantages for a long time. We know how to take a punch. He can't hear you coming and he wasn't fighting with you anyway. Just trying to catch you."

Emmett's explanation didn't make me feel any better. The one person in the family I could easily injure was Edward, because I negated his early warning system.

Carlisle led us up to his office. For once, Carlisle's examining table would be used by someone other than me. I helped Edward up onto the table, and he seemed to need my help.

"I'm sorry, Carlisle," Edward began. "I should have kept better watch. Or if I had kept Bella close to us, we might have been able to prevent it."

"I know, I know," Carlisle soothed. "Now where does it hurt?"

I helped Edward take off his shirt and lie down. He winced as the movement jostled his side. The first time I had ever seen an injury on a vampire was at the battle with Victoria and the newborns, and those had been full dismemberments. My new eyes zoomed in on the minute surfaces of Edward's skin, and I scanned his chest and ribs. The area below Edward's left pectoral muscle had a network of fissures like a spider web. As long as I had known him, he had been flawless in face and body. Now he had a welt on his face and the vampire equivalent of cracked ribs. And I had been the one to put them there. I ran my fingers over his ribs and a small noise escaped my lips. "I'm sorry, Edward," I said in a small voice.

"It's all right, love," he murmured. "You didn't know what you were doing."

"Nothing a little venom won't fix," Carlisle reassured me. "It may be a while before he plays baseball again. Our kind can heal, it just takes some time. But the injuries we can recover from would kill any human."

Edward glanced up at me. "Why don't you go change, Bella?"

"I want to stay with you."

"Your shirt is shredded," he insisted, freeing his hand and giving me a light push. "I'll be all right. I'll see you in a little while."

"Oh, okay." It felt like he had dismissed me, and I couldn't blame him. I was the only one who could hurt him. Everyone else he could hear coming. I looked at his face, marred from my earlier attack. His eyes were closed and his brow furrowed as Carlisle probed his injured side. I couldn't bear to hurt him again. Smoothing his hair from his face, I bent and kissed him. The corner of his mouth curved in a half smile.

I turned and left the room. At the top of the stairs, I stopped and looked out the expanse of windows at the surrounding forest. I should leave now and hide somewhere, far away from people. If I was so out of control I couldn't recognize my own husband, I couldn't be trusted with anyone.

Would I need to bring anything? I didn't feel the cold anymore. I could go back to the mountain top Edward and I had hidden on, and weather the same snowstorm without a problem now. It didn't matter; I didn't need any outdoor gear. All that mattered was that I should go away. Find a cave someplace, far away from my family so I couldn't hurt them. Far away from Edward.

I clenched my teeth and pushed the thought away as a wave of misery started to build. I would have to be stronger than the pain if I wanted to do the right thing. I didn't allow myself a backward glance, locked my eyes forward and started down the stairs, my chest convulsing as I tried to fight back the agony. My eyes should have been swimming with tears by now. I wrapped an arm around my torso and kept moving.

But I forgot about Alice. Why did I always forget about Alice? She was waiting for me at the bottom of the stairs, a gentle look in her eyes. "Bella, why do I see you sitting alone in a cave somewhere?"

"I…um…" I had nothing. I collapsed in a heap on one of the stairs and my eyes squeezed shut as the pain won. Covering my face with my hands, I tried to speak. "I…I have to go…" was all I managed to say before the lump in my throat made speaking impossible.

Alice sat down next to me and put an arm around me. I lay my head on her shoulder, chest heaving with tearless crying. Esme heard my blubbering and came over from the living room. She sat on my other side and laid a comforting hand on my back.

It took a while for me to calm down enough to speak. "Why do you have to go?" Alice asked me.

"I hurt Edward," I said brokenly and winced at a fresh surge of pain. "I don't want to hurt him anymore. I don't want to hurt anybody else."

"Your heart might be in the right place, but it's not really a good idea right now," Esme replied, her soft voice calm and soothing.

"Esme's right," Alice agreed. "If you come across another fisherman or a hiker, do you think you could stop yourself?"

Thinking back to what I remembered of the attack, from the moment that I scented human blood, there had been absolutely no hesitation – I had attacked instantly. What Jasper had said worried me. I was like a shark with a hyper-enhanced sense of smell, and would need to stay much further from civilization to keep from temptation. Even remembering the scent of human blood began to make my throat burn again. I swallowed and forced the thought away.

"No. I couldn't help myself. But that's why I need to go away. You're my family. I don't want to hurt anybody else," I repeated.

Alice patted my hand. "Don't worry, Bella, we have a better idea of what you're like now, and how to take care of you."

"But—"

"Hush," she stopped me. "Do you remember when we were practicing to fight the newborns? You watched me practice with Jasper, right?"

I nodded.

"Do you still think you could hurt me?"

I pursed my lips. She had a point there. Jasper was the family's most experienced fighter, and he couldn't lay a finger on her. I shook my head slowly.

"Trust me," she went on. "It will be better for you, and for the family, if you're here with us, instead of going off on your own."

"It will be fine, dear." Esme patted me on the back. "Why don't you go upstairs and take a shower. You're still dirty from tussling with the boys. You'll feel better."

Alice took me by the hand and helped me up. "Come on, Bella, let's get you cleaned up." Then she quietly called for Jasper. I wasn't sure what he could do to help now that he couldn't affect me, but I didn't say anything.

Back in the room I moved mechanically, going through the motions of showering. I shook out my ponytail and washed the dirt and leaves out of my hair. Leaning my head against the tile, I let the hot water cascade down, slowly warming my cold-blooded body. A hot shower usually soothed me when I was human. Not this time. When I was done I dressed in sweats and a t-shirt. I was clean but I still felt horrible, the guilt weighing on my conscience like an anchor chain.

I looked around the room. The bookshelves were still piled on the floor where I had knocked them down, and the broken desk reminded me of how destructive I was. Moving over to the wall, I started picking up the shelves and putting them back in their brackets. Two of the shelves were cracked and would have to be replaced. I was glad Edward had taken my suggestion to put his things away.

I sat down on the couch, knees up to my chest, my arms curled around my knees. I could hear breathing out in the hallway, and it had to be Jasper, keeping an eye on my mood while giving me some privacy.

I looked out at the surrounding forest, trying not to think, not wanting to close my eyes, because I would see Mike and Jessica's faces in my head. The woods outside were full of wildlife. Birds flitted from tree to tree. Squirrels were fairly common and I saw a deer cross the meadow, but nothing was distracting enough. Occasional thoughts of Mike, Jessica and their parents still rose, and a sob would convulse my chest as the guilt crested and broke over me. But I couldn't cry.

There was no going back. If there was any way for a vampire to return to being human, I was sure Edward would have found it, to be human for me. The future, which had once felt like a shining stairway to the stars now felt like a long black road that stretched forever into darkness. I had taken the last step and now was a monster forever, or until somebody destroyed me. Edward said he had killed many men. Evil men. But in my one foray into murder, I had established myself as a worse monster than he. I had killed two innocents. Rosalie had killed more, but she had the weight of justice on her side. If Edward was ashamed of me, I couldn't blame him. If he didn't want me anymore…but I shied away from that thought. It had been a long time since the hole in my chest had healed, and I would rather not go there just on speculation.

How quickly joy could turn into sadness. Was it just one week ago we were so happy on Isle Esme? And no more than hours ago I was ecstatic to finally be part of Edward's world, fast and strong, to be able to follow him and not be left behind. I suppose when I was human, the consequences of my actions weren't so catastrophic. What was the worst that I could do? If I got mad at someone and got in a fight, at most someone would nurse a black eye or a bloody nose. Now the consequences were far more dire.

When I was human, I could only see the positives of this life. Entering Edward's world was the only way I could be truly fulfilled. I dreamt of it, hungered for it, begged him for it. Only now did the full import sink in. Alice had once told me that part of being a Cullen was meticulous responsibility. Now I could understand; the price of shirking that responsibility was very high.

Part of me still wanted to run away. If Edward was unhappy with me, the cave was still there. Maybe I could do what Carlisle had done in the beginning, and just stay far away from civilization until I was fit to be around people again.

I heard a soft step behind me. "Bella? How are you feeling?" It was Alice. I didn't move, and didn't know what to say. She came to the couch and sat down next to me, gathering me into her arms. She stroked my hair and patted my back softly.

"I wish I could cry," I answered after a while. "I never thought I would miss that." Alice made soft shushing sounds while she soothed me. "I hurt so many people; I wish I wasn't born."

"There's no way you could have known, Bella. That's the nature of newborns, and you were just following your nature. We knew the risks, and should have been better prepared to take care of you."

"If I hadn't wanted this so badly, Mike and Jessica would still be alive," I said, brokenly. "At least when I was human the worst I could do was hurt their feelings."

Alice didn't reply and just kept holding me. It didn't matter anyway. Nothing anybody could say at the moment would make any difference. But I was glad for her company, otherwise I would probably still be having hysterics. We sat for a time; me staring unseeing at the forest. I wished I could be numb again, like when Edward had left me. But I didn't remember how I had done that.

After a while, Alice slowly let go and sat up. "I'm going to see how Edward is, okay?"

"Okay," I answered in a faint voice.

I heard Alice's footsteps stop next to Jasper, and though she whispered my ears easily picked up her words.

"How is she?"

"Extremely depressed," Jasper replied just as quietly. "I've tried everything I can, but I can't touch her anymore. The only thing I can do now is tell you how she's feeling."

I didn't feel offended that they were talking about me. It felt appropriate since I was sort of a patient. Now I really wished Jasper had been with me when Edward had left. I could have used his help. The pain when Edward left had been unbearable; the worst I had ever felt in my life. At the same time, it had given me a frame of reference. This pain wasn't as bad as that. But it wasn't good.

"Jasper? Why don't you come in and sit down. If you're going to stay with me it's silly for you to sit out in the hallway."

Jasper stepped through the doorway, carrying a book. "I didn't want you to feel I was babysitting you."

He was right about that. But the irritation I would have felt was overshadowed by the need to keep the family safe. Even though he could no longer control my mood, he could tell if I was going to go berserk again. "I could use the company," I sighed. "And it's safer for the family."

"You're family now, Bella. Family helps family," Jasper said, a small smile touching his lips.

I heard footsteps outside the door, and there was a quiet knock. "Bella?" It was Edward. He stepped softly into the room and walked over to the couch.

I lifted my face and tried to smile but couldn't. "How are your ribs?"

"A little stiff but I'll be fine. Come here, love." He eased down onto the couch and put his arm around my shoulders, gritting his teeth.

"Don't, you'll hurt yourself," I protested.

"I'm fine," he said, but his voice was a little clipped. He tried to pull me against his good side, but for once I didn't want his touch. He was so good and I was so awful. At first I held myself stiffly but he insisted. Finally, I gave in rather than let him hurt himself again. He settled his cheek against my hair, one hand patting my shoulder.

"I wish I could make you feel better," he said softly. Normally, his mere presence was enough to make me feel better, like a breath of fresh air for a drowning victim. But today there was too much negativity for even his influence to completely erase.

I couldn't meet his eyes and kept staring out the window. "I don't know how you can stand to look at me."

"That's easy," he said. "You're the loveliest girl in the world. Why wouldn't I want to look at you?"

Normally, the compliment would be enough to melt me against him. Today, it just seemed to twist the knife in deeper. "Because your wife is a psychotic murderer, that's why."

"Bella, you know nobody blames you for that."

"They should. And if they don't, then I do." A hint of bitterness crept into my voice again.

"You had no idea you would react to the scent of human blood that way." Edward's voice was still smooth and comforting. But it wasn't what I wanted. Wasn't what I deserved.

A flash of anger rose, bringing a sharp look to Jasper's face. I closed my eyes, trying to stay calm. "That doesn't excuse me for killing my friends. You call yourself a monster, but I'm worse. You never killed innocent people."

Edward sighed. "It's not your fault, Bella. There's no way you could have resisted the scent of human blood as an hours-old newborn. Especially with how sensitive you are to blood. Look at Jasper. He's been mature for longer than me, and he still couldn't resist you. If there's any fault here, it's mine. I never should have let you get ahead of us. Instead of racing with you, I should have made sure we moved carefully and stayed far away from any stray humans."

As I expected, Edward would take the blame on himself. "Stop blaming yourself. You're only making me feel worse." I said, dully. "I wanted you to change me so badly. All I could think of was the prize."

"What prize?"

Finally, I allowed myself to look at him. His face was filled with sadness. Sadness for me. It didn't belong there. "You. Life with you forever. That was the prize. And I got it." My voice turned acidic. "I just ignored all the risks that went with it."

Edward shook his head. "I can't see how you ignored the risks. You argued with me tooth and nail that you were willing to give up your humanity, your family, your friends, having children, everything. You weren't negligent at all."

It was my turn to shake my head. "Not the same thing. That was the price I was willing to pay. The risks aren't to me, but to everybody around me." I ran my fingers over Edward's injured ribs; I felt some kind of compress bandaged over his wound. I pulled my fingers away like they had been burned. I wasn't sure how much muscle control I had or how much pressure I could exert before I hurt him.

"I'm a danger to you and the family, because I can't control myself when I get mad. I'm a danger if I go on a killing spree and expose us. And I'm a danger to all the people who live in Forks." I put a hand over my eyes. "How long?"

"How long until you can control yourself?" he clarified.

Jasper answered for him. "It depends on the individual. It can be anywhere from six months to a year. It may be shorter for you. You are fairly normal when you're not upset."

"I just feel horrible right now," I said, and looked down at my hands. "It's really too bad we can't sleep. You could just sedate me for a year."

"We could, but that wouldn't be much fun," he said, and stroked my hair.

"It would be safer though."

We sat in silence for a time, looking out the window, Edward's hand continued caressing my shoulder. "Bella?"

"Mmm?"

His hand never wavered on my shoulder. "Do you like caves?"

I covered my face and turned away. "You heard," I mumbled.

"Yes, you weren't exactly quiet when you were talking to Alice."

"Do you think she's right?" I demanded.

"Certainly. We can't help you if we're not with you."

The conflicts over wanting to leave, and needing to stay to keep the public safe, but endangering my family at the same time boiled up into frustration. "I hate this!" I cried out. "I hate that when I get mad I can't control myself. It's like I'm not in my own body anymore and that stinks!"

"Eventually it will pass."

"Yeah, in a year! Meanwhile, it's just a matter of time before I hurt somebody again. I'm like a bomb, and you never know when I'm going to go off. That's why I should go! I don't deserve you. You deserve somebody who's not going to go crazy and kill you…" My voice broke, and I pulled away and buried my face in the couch, dry sobs wracking me.

Edward laid a gentle hand on my back. "Let me decide what my desserts should be. Long ago, I thought I didn't deserve you. If neither of us deserves each other, where does that leave us? Tell me something, love. Do you love me?"

With so much guilt, hate and disgust against myself filling me, I thought I wouldn't have enough room to feel anything else. I had to reach past them to feel it again, but it was still there. I still loved him. For the moment I felt relief that my love for him had been locked in with my transformation. Yet, it didn't fill me with the unspeakable joy that it once did. It was hard to take pleasure in something that had resulted in so much pain. Even so, it wasn't even a question.

I raised myself on an elbow and looked back at him. "I do," I replied, quietly. "I'm sorry, Edward. I wasn't thinking. I just felt so bad I hurt you, I wanted to get as far from you as possible."

He gave me a sad smile. "And knowing how I feel about you, how is that going to help us?"

I hung my head. "I know. I just…" I fell silent, thinking of what I wanted. "I just need a little space is all. I don't trust myself not to hurt you. If we had a basement, I'd go live down there."

He didn't say anything, so I looked up. I saw the pain spread across his face, and felt the answering pain in my chest. "Do you…do you want me to leave?" he whispered.

"No...yes…I don't know," I mumbled, as all the conflicting thoughts and guilt rolled around my head and rendered me immobile with indecision. "I just don't want to hurt you anymore."

Edward blew out a breath. "Well…" he began, and I could see he was struggling with something. "As long as you're calm, you're fine," he finally said. "We just have to take care to see that you stay that way, all right?"

"I'll try, Edward. I'll try my hardest," I promised.

"And I will too."

For his sake, I would have to gain control over myself. Like a young werewolf, I was dangerous to be around. I could already see the parallels between myself and Sam, Edward and Emily. But if Jacob could learn to control himself for my sake, could I do any less for Edward?

I sat up as a new thought came to me. I hated it and it threatened to add another layer of sadness on top of everything else, but it made sense. It was safer. "Do you know what I think?"

"What?"

I kept my voice calm like I had practiced so often for Charlie. "It's time to say goodbye to Charlie and Renee."

Edward knew I wasn't talking about an interim goodbye. "You don't need to do that so soon."

"There's no sense waiting. More than anything, I want to call my mom right now and ask her what to do. I want to fly to Florida and crawl into her lap and bawl my eyes out. But what do I tell her? 'Mom, I just killed two of my friends because I'm a vampire. Can you make me feel better?'"

Edward frowned infinitesimally. "You're being overly dramatic. It could be possible to have some contact with them, once you've gained control over yourself."

"Why not? We could have Thanksgiving dinner with the whole family this year. That would be just great. They come over and I serve them up for dinner because I can't help myself!" My voice rose, dripping with self-loathing. It wasn't fair to lash out at him, but I couldn't help myself.

"Bella, you're upset right now." Edward's brow furrowed as he gazed down at me. "Do you really want to make a life-altering decision while you're not thinking rationally? You know that you would feel badly about hurting them. And then it would be too late. I admit that we will eventually need to cut ties with them. But you should wait a bit. Just like you tell me, you shouldn't make a decision while you're wallowing in it."

I considered it silently, different possibilities running through my mind. But there was no more doubt. If I couldn't control myself, Charlie and Renee could never see me again. They could never know about what I had become. Even if the Volturi never learned of their existence, the chance that I would bring my new world in contact with them was too great of a risk.

"It's too dangerous," I insisted. "No matter what it costs me, I should make a clean break for them." I said it without thinking. Edward turned his head away from me. Too late, I realized what that would mean to him.

"I'm sorry, Edward," I whispered. "If anything, now I understand what you were trying to sacrifice for me."

After a moment, he sighed and turned back to kiss my hair, but his eyes were still sad. "Maybe one day, it won't bother me anymore."

"You know I forgive you."

"I know." He sighed again, the hurt still in his eyes.

I felt I should do something to try to dispel the rest of the anguish from him – kiss him or take his hand or something. I lifted a hand, but then dropped it back in my lap; I still couldn't bring myself to touch him. I had never felt like this before. Instead of thinking it through, I changed the subject. "So what happens now?"

Edward straightened his shoulders. "We wait. In a small town like Forks, bad news travels fast. So we're certain to hear something. Then we'll be able to tell if we need to leave or not. Emmett is very good. There shouldn't be anything that might throw suspicion on us. We'll know in a few days."

That would be a long few days. Actually, as I thought about it, this was the beginning of one really long day because the day would never end for me. No more waiting for the next day to present a better outlook. One day would blend into the night, would blend into the day and on and on. And I would have to experience every single second of it. That was another thing I never appreciated as a human; night time and sleep provided a period of closure. Time for the mind and body to recharge and restart for the coming day. Time to process any mental traumas suffered during the day. I just thought sleeping was time wasted that I could be spending with Edward. It was true. You never know what you have until it's gone.

After all the many months of hoping and enduring and surviving, I had what I wanted. I was a vampire. I was married to Edward and we had all of eternity stretching out before us. Fast and strong, I was also a bit more attractive than when I was human. And while I once thought that would be enough to be happy, now that I was here, it was painfully obvious it wasn't.

I was unstable and capable of incredible violence. The fear that I might attack Edward again made me want to leave him, but the thought of leaving threatened to send waves of agony through me. Edward had been the rock of my existence for so long, I thought all I needed was him and I could endure anything. Realizing that he wasn't enough scared the crap out of me. For once I had no idea where I wanted my life to go.


To be continued...

Again, thanks very much for sticking with me thus far. I hope you find this re-write to be realistic, as well as entertaining. Please leave a review if so inclined.