A/N:Thanks everyone for the kind reviews, alerts and favorites! You make this endeavor so worth while!

I'd like to send a big hug to katmom, for wielding her beta magic, and another big hug to contentedtwicow, for pre-reading. I couldn't do this without you ladies! MWAH!

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all the characters, I'm just happy she lets us play in her playground. No copyright infringement is intended.


Ch. 11 – Leaving

After Jacob's car disappeared down the driveway and into the forest, a touch of irritation leaked through the sadness, and I confronted Edward. "Why did you ask me to come outside?" I asked. "You knew Jacob wasn't going to take this well." I indicated my immortal body with a sweep of my hand.

Edward's expression was guarded. "I do know, love, but we were desperate."

"Desperate?" Surprise lifted my voice a few notches. Edward and Carlisle had been fairly calm while talking to Jacob. But as I thought of it, it was true; Carlisle had been very agitated when he ordered us to shut down the house.

"Yes," Edward answered. "Alice got almost no warning that the wolves were attacking. By the time I heard Jacob's voice, they were too close. We couldn't have gotten away without fighting."

A cold feeling touched the back of my neck at the thought of vampires fighting wolves. Jacob had said killing the newborns was easy, before Leah had distracted him and he got hurt. Laurent had also been an easy kill. Would we have been easy for them, too?

"What about talking to Sam?" I asked.

Edward shook his head. "You saw him. He was dead set against letting you go, once he found out you had killed them. We were hoping, judging from the way Jacob still felt about you, that he would be willing to intercede with Sam on your behalf."

Anger bubbled up in my head, and I had to take a moment to control it. I took a few breaths and counted for a while. It irritated me, but I needed to be able to talk without flying into a rage, and I didn't have too much control in me right now. It took everything I had not to blurt out my first thought over Jacob's welfare, since I'd promised myself not to let Edward see that side of me again.

"That wasn't very nice," I finally said in a controlled voice. "You used him, and he got hurt."

My comment caught Edward by surprise, and his brow furrowed as he looked at me. But Carlisle spoke first.

"Bella, we had no idea Jacob or Sam would react the way they did. We hoped that Jacob would still be on your side, but that was all. If he wasn't willing to speak for you, we would try to negotiate with Sam. But if that didn't work, all that was left was to fight, and possibly die."

"Bella." Jasper's voice was uncharacteristically harsh, and caught my attention. His eyes bored intently into mine. "You have to remember you're not in the same world anymore. If you want to survive, you don't always have the luxury to be considerate. Do you want anything to happen to Alice? Or Edward?"

Immediately chastened, I cast my eyes down, unable to meet Jasper's gaze. I shook my head in answer, my hair falling forward and thankfully hiding me from his glare.

Edward reached for my hands but I balked, holding them stiffly in fists. He put his hands on my shoulders instead. "Bella, please believe me. I had no idea things would spiral out of control the way they did. This is the first time we've seen the wolves behave this way. The instant Jacob defied Sam, they had no choice but to fight; there can be only one Alpha in the pack.

"I'll give Sam credit. He didn't come initially to destroy. He wasn't sure what he'd find when they got up here so brought the pack as backup. Jacob might have been overstating things a little. But when Sam heard from Jacob that you had killed them he also had no choice but to kill you. I only wanted Jacob to see you because I was sure he would still want to protect you. But before I could ask him, he attacked me and things went crazy from there."

That reminded me that Edward had winced in pain during the scuffle. "Did Jacob hurt you?" I asked, my eyes going to his chest area. The poultice was still taped to his chest, under his clothes, breaking up the normally smooth lines of his shirt.

"No, love," he answered. "I'm better, but it's still a little stiff. It pulls when I turn a certain way."

I breathed a mental sigh of relief. "That's good. But I wish you could have told me what you were up to."

Edward gave an acerbic smile. "There was no time, Bella. This is the first time the pack has actually launched an attack. We were lucky, incredibly lucky, that Jacob chose to defend you so forcefully, and Seth too."

Carlisle rubbed his forehead with his hand. "And now that I see how little advance warning we get regarding the wolf pack, I don't think we'll take the chance of waiting for them to make the first move the next time there's an incident."

I lowered my eyes again, took another breath or two and relaxed my hands. Edward's large hands gently took mine and his thumbs lightly began brushing over them. I still wasn't totally happy with how the last meeting with Jacob had ended. But Edward, Jasper and Carlisle were right; they had the safety of the family to think of. And to be honest, Jacob's wounds were superficial for a werewolf; they might even be already healed by now. Edward's voice broke me out of my musings.

"Bella? Have you thought about where you would go?"

"Oh!" I cried in dismay. I really had no clue where I would go. I had just spoken on the spur of the moment, trying to keep the peace for the family. Charlie and Renee's homes were out of the question. And without Edward's family, I was basically adrift. "I hadn't thought about that yet," I admitted.

"Would you mind a suggestion?" asked Edward.

"Sure."

"I'll take you up to Denali," Edward said. "It's less populated, there are large predators to hunt, and we have family. There are worse places to spend your newborn days."

I looked up through my lashes at him. "Are you sure? This is my fault. My problem."

"Your problems are my problems, love," he said earnestly, his eyes holding onto mine.

"I'll come, too." Jasper surprised me, and I began to protest but he held up a hand. "Who better to help take care of a newborn? Besides, family helps family, remember?"

I couldn't argue with that. "I guess we should go pack, then."

We headed back into the house, filing through the door one at a time. No sooner had we reached the stairs than we were interrupted by a shout from Emmett, who had returned to the house as soon as the wolves left.

"Bella? Edward? You might want to hear this."

I queried Edward with raised eyebrows. "Emmett's in the attic," he said, his expression carefully neutral, so I knew it couldn't be good.

Emmett had been upstairs before Jacob's arrival, and he returned to his post after Jacob left. When Edward and I reached the attic, I saw that Emmett had re-connected the police band radio scanner. The computers would need to be brought in from the garage later.

"It's Charlie," Emmett explained. "The Newtons and the Stanleys called him, and now he's organizing a search party."

"Oh no," I whimpered. I closed my eyes and took a breath, trying not to think about them. Edward's arm wrapped around my shoulders and his reassuring voice murmured in my ear.

I stood and listened to the occasional exchanges on the radio. From the sound of it, all the deputies had been called in, and a number of the local firefighters were joining the search as well. I wondered if Charlie had called Billy for his help as well. Billy would know exactly what was going on, and where to find the bodies. If not for Jacob's protection, I wasn't sure if Billy would feel obligated to inform Charlie. I suppose it would be hard to explain how they could prove that I had done it. They had as much of a secret to guard as we did.

Just then a quick spurt of static came out of the scanner followed by my father's voice talking to his deputy, Mark.

"Roger that, Mark; they said the kids went to Bogachiel to go fishing. There's a day use lot near park headquarters, so let's start there."

"10-4, Chief," came Mark's reply. "On my way."

The ache in my chest began to grow again. I missed my father and my mother, and it seemed like ages since I had last heard Charlie's voice. So near, and yet so far away. The sound of his voice on the radio filled me with longing for the times when I was a little girl visiting him. As little as I cared for Forks then, it was a simpler time. No worrying about killing people, or people coming to kill me. It seemed like an eon ago. And if I couldn't control myself, he might as well be light years away.

"Bella, are you all right?" Edward's voice interrupted my sad thoughts. He watched me with a worried expression.

I shook my head, closed my eyes and exhaled. Rather than stay to listen and mope about it, I decided to go back downstairs. If not tonight, maybe tomorrow they would find Mike's Suburban parked in the day-use lot. Then they would find Mike and Jessica, and I'd rather not hear about it when they did. Emmett could fill us in.

"I'm going to get my stuff together, and start packing," I said, with a quick but weary half-smile.

Edward eyed me for a moment and gave my shoulder a comforting squeeze. "All right. I'll be down in a minute."

= = CR = = CR = = CR = =

Back in our room, I had to change clothes yet again; my pants had dirt on them and the back of my shirt had torn when Jacob pushed me to the ground. Being immortal certainly seemed to take its toll on the wardrobe. Needing appropriate clothes for a road trip, I selected a fresh pair of jeans and a purple, pull-over sweater, followed by socks and sneakers.

Next, I began pulling out clothing from the closet. They were just props, but we had to wear something to blend in. What did they wear in Denali? Winter gear I supposed. I located all that I had, and it wasn't much – mostly jeans and sweaters, a couple hats and a scarf, and my old jacket. I would need to borrow something from Esme or Rosalie.

A knock at the bedroom door interrupted my packing. I stuck my head out of the closet and was surprised to see Edward just inside the door with our siblings behind him. Siblings. Yet another aspect of my new life.

"What's going on?" I asked.

"I called our relatives in Denali to let them know we're coming," Edward answered.

My puzzled look took in our brothers and sisters standing in back of him. "Did everybody talk to them?"

Edward started slowly, measuring his words. "Bella, I was planning to give you something, and it's not a gift since we agreed to it. I was going to wait for your birthday, but we're not going to be here, so I'd like to give it to you a little early."

The words "agreed to" piqued my curiosity and sidetracked my normal aversion to gifts. Edward had fulfilled all of the promises I could remember him making. We had gotten married and had a real honeymoon. He had enrolled us both at Dartmouth (although I couldn't see how I could physically attend this year). And he had followed through and changed me himself. What more could he want to give me?

"Is it a surprise?" I asked.

"Not if you don't want it to be," he said carefully. But I could tell from his tone and the look on Alice's face that they wanted it that way.

"Okay, surprise me." I was rewarded by Edward's crooked smile, a squeal and a hop from Alice, and smiles of approval from Emmett and Jasper. Even with the vampire vision, I almost missed the infinitesimal nod of Rosalie's glorious, golden head.

"Come on," he beckoned to me.

Alice insisted on covering my eyes with her hands, and I felt myself being led downstairs and outside. When I smelled motor oil and tires, I knew we were going to the garage. I realized then that it was the "after car". That wasn't really a surprise; Edward had promised to replace my truck once it had died.

With a moment of dread I wondered what it could be. The Mercedes Guardian had been a little over the top. Granted I was much more fragile then, but rocket launchers were in short supply in Forks. All of the family liked flashy cars so it might be something along those lines. I cringed mentally at the thought of driving a foreign sports car down to the local Thriftway. Memories of the gaggle of boys who drooled over Rosalie's BMW when she drove it to school, and the two car enthusiasts admiring the Guardian, floated through my head. Edward wouldn't do that to me again, would he?

They brought me to a stop. "Ready?" came Alice's voice. I nodded.

Alice dropped her hands. As expected, I was in front of a shrouded vehicle in the back corner of the garage. Edward nudged me forward and waved a hand at the car.

"Go ahead and open it. It's from all of us," Edward said with a grin.

I untied the cords securing the sheet. A single pull and the sheet slithered off with a silky rustle revealing...a deep, sapphire-blue, Toyota sport pick-up truck. The insignia said "Tacoma" and I thought that was appropriate considering where we lived. It wasn't a jacked-up monster like Emmett's jeep. In fact if you parked them side by side this one was sleek. It had lines.

It had a double-cab for passengers, and a bed cover. The bed was smaller than my old truck, but I could still fit my bike if I took the bed cover off and left the tailgate down. I peeked in the open windows and inhaled the rich scent of the black, leather upholstery with silver piping. There was room for five including the driver.

Best of all, the hood had a very subtle image of a swan painted in a lighter hue of blue – almost exactly like the silver broach my mother had given me, ready to swoop off the metal and take flight.

I put my hands to my cheeks as a small bubble of pleasure lightened the depression that had fallen since I had heard Charlie on the radio. I wasn't a car buff, but the more I saw of it, the more I liked. A hint of a smile tugged on the corner of my mouth.

"It's from everybody?" I asked.

"I know you loved your truck, so that was my idea," Edward said, an impish grin spreading across his face. "Emmett and Jasper wanted to get you a fire-engine red Ferrari. They were very enthusiastic about it, but I didn't think you'd like that. This is more sensible."

I shuddered. "A Ferrari in Forks? Why don't you just strap a big, neon sign to my back?" I grumbled to Emmett.

"Told you." Alice smirked and wrinkled her nose at Emmett and Jasper.

"Aw, we've never had a Ferrari in the family before," Emmett complained.

"I'll save up and get you one," Rosalie said, and poked Emmett in the ribs, causing him to squirm.

"The paint job and interior are from Alice," Edward went on. "The sound system is from Emmett and Jasper. And what's under the hood." He laid a hand on the right quarter-panel and grinned. "That's from Rosalie. Now you'll finally be able to drive above fifty-five. In fact, try not to get too many tickets."

I looked at my brothers and sisters in wonder. Growing up an only child, I was ill-prepared for the experience of suddenly having siblings. It felt wonderful but at the same time, their love and generosity began to overwhelm me. I had done nothing to deserve it and had in fact done more to put them in jeopardy than anything else.

And Edward really understood me. The lengths to which he went to make me happy still astounded me. How could I ever hope to be worthy of them all? A lump began to form in my throat, and I dropped my face into my hands.

"Bella, what's wrong?" Edward was alarmed. "If you don't like it, we can take it back."

"It's not that," I said, my voice breaking. "I love it. It's beautiful. But I don't deserve this. I don't deserve you. You deserve someone much better than me."

"Sshh!" Edward and Alice both cut me off at the same time. Edward gathered me into his arms. "Enough of that. Don't think about what you do or don't deserve. You need a vehicle and we need something to go to Alaska. This has more cargo space. End of story."

The concern in Edward's face added to my feelings and threatened to drown me. My arms started to rise automatically, then I remembered the newborn who had almost crushed Jacob to death. I fluttered my hands and clasped them tightly behind my back. "Thank you, Edward," I said. "Thank you, everybody. You guys are the best. I hope I can do something for you some day."

Emmett rolled his eyes at me. "You're family, Bella. We don't keep accounts."

"That's right," Edward said as he gently took my hand and began to lead me back to the house. "Anyway, we'd better finish packing."

= = CR = = CR = = CR = =

Back in our room, I headed for the corner of the closet where Edward had stored our suitcases.

"Bella, may I ask you something?"

Edward's question surprised me, and I turned around to see him sitting on the edge of the bed. He patted the bedspread next to him. Curious, I came over and sat down.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

Edward looked down for a moment, then reached out for my hands. He looked up through his lashes at me. "Do you trust my judgment?"

I wondered where he was going with this. "It depends on what it is," I said out of habit.

"It seems that you still don't trust my decision on who I should be with." He calmly began making little designs on the back of my hand with his fingers.

"What do you mean?" I was still confused.

"You keep saying that you don't deserve me. That rather implies that I've chosen incorrectly, doesn't it?"

Flustered, I blew out a breath. So that was what he meant. "You know how I feel about gifts. No, it's just that you're so good and kind and loving. And with what I've done…" I trailed off and shook my head, the curtain of my hair twitching with my movements.

Edward fell silent, still gently stroking my hand. Then he pursed his lips and raised his eyes to mine. "You still don't see yourself clearly. From the very beginning, you've always considered yourself the lesser of the two of us. At first it was because you were human, and you thought maybe if you were like me, you would be more worthy." He slowly raised his hand to brush my hair aside and caress my cheek. "Have you looked in the mirror lately, love? I think you're a vampire now. When will you allow yourself to feel worthy?"

He was right as usual. When he left me, I had thought it was because I was human. He was so godlike in appearance, a genius in intellect, so talented in so many ways there was no way I could live up to that.

I hesitated with my words, working them out as I went. "When I look at…who I am and the things I've done… I don't feel very good about it. I do feel better about… what I am now. I don't feel small and weak anymore. I feel better that a stupid accident won't take me away from you.

"But it's more than what I am or what you are. If you were human and still thought and acted the same way you do now, you'd still be the most wonderful man I've ever met. When I thought the werewolves were killing people, I told Jacob it wasn't what he was, but what he did that bothered me.

"So, it's not what I am, but what I've done. And now…I'm more of a monster than you thought you were. I can't feel good about that. How can that," I spat out the word, "be worthy of you?"

Edward's expression was not happy as he absorbed that. "Truly, no one in the family blames you. It depends on if you are willing to forgive yourself. You said the same thing to me before." He stopped and took a breath, then another.

"You are loving and kind. Loving enough to see beyond outward appearances and love a monster like me. Kind enough that I can see this is tearing you apart. And if we're both monsters then that makes us equals, doesn't it?

"Maybe this is still too soon. But do you remember your mother telling you not to spend so much time regretting things? This would be one of those things. Not this soon I know, but one day, you'll need to let it go. Maybe you won't want to hear this now, but you can't go back to change it. All you can do is to try and move forward and do better in the future.

"For now, I want you to know – whatever you need, I'll do. If you need comfort, I'll be there. If you need space, I'll give you space. You are, and will always be, my number one priority."

The depths of the love he felt for me never ceased to amaze me. And before I became a monster, I might have felt incredibly happy to hear it. Now I felt a little sad.

I felt my forehead wrinkling into a frown. Even when I first discovered what he was, I had never considered Edward a monster. The feelings of horror just never materialized. The idea that he and I could be equals on even a negative level just...didn't make sense. A sigh escaped me. "Thank you, Edward, that's really sweet. But that doesn't exactly help in the feeling worthy department."

A puzzled, frustrated frown took over his pale features. "What would you have me do? I can't simply ignore your feelings."

"I don't think you could do that if you wanted to," I said, with a shake of my head. "Even when I two-timed you with Jacob and asked him to kiss me you were so completely understanding. I think that made me feel even more worthless."

"I…don't know what to say," he said, his brow furrowed with unhappiness. "Every fiber in my body wants to make you feel better, to make you happy again. And to help you feel worthy, if that's what you need."

He didn't know it, but his unconscious, unconditional love and thoughtfulness just widened the differences I felt between us. "I know what you're trying to say, and I really appreciate it. But maybe it's too soon just now. I don't have it in me to forgive myself yet."

The anguish in his eyes seemed to deepen for a moment. Now that his fears had been realized the guilt he felt over changing me and, in his eyes, damning my soul must be eating at him like an ulcer. I wanted to take it away somehow, but didn't know what to do.

It was hard to be as optimistic as before, when I had no strikes against my soul and no frame of reference to relate with him. Then, I was certain that he still had a chance at heaven. Now that I was in the same boat, I was not so sure. I didn't know if there were different degrees of damnation: I had killed innocents and he had not. At least now, if there were an afterlife and we were both damned, we would be going to the same place.

"I'm sorry, Edward," I said, knowing an apology was woefully inadequate for the guilt he was feeling.

Edward closed his eyes for a long while, then sighed and opened his eyes. "Well, nothing to be done for it now," he replied. "When you're ready, I'll be here."

I nodded silently, with a sad, half-smile. It was the best that I could do.

Edward got up to do his own packing. He assured me we would get other clothing for me if needed, and advised me it was all right to pack lighter clothes.

"You don't always need to dress like an Eskimo," he said, his humor returning slightly. "The house in Denali is quite remote, and during the summer months it can get rather warm."

Out of habit, I pulled out my toiletry bag and was about to pack my toothbrush, then paused and puffed into my hand and sniffed. I could detect no sign of bad breath, even after having a blood meal many hours before. A low laugh from the doorway drew my attention.

"One of the many benefits," Edward chuckled, leaning against the frame. "Venom kills bacteria, and our teeth are too hard for tooth decay. Just pack what you need for showering or bathing and hair care."

When we were both finished packing, we carried our suitcases down to my truck. I was surprised to see Alice waiting for us next to Jasper, bags packed and ready to go. The rest of the family was there, too, to see us off.

I started to object. Esme wouldn't be happy if I took half the family to Denali with me. "You need to stay," I told Alice. "Who's going to look out for them if you're with us?"

"I don't need to be with somebody to see them," she cheerfully contradicted me. "I was in Denali when I saw you jump off the cliff, remember?"

I scrunched my face in embarrassment. Nobody was ever going to let me forget about that.

"Besides," Alice continued without a hitch and smiled fondly at Jasper, "do you think I dare send Jasper by himself to Denali with Tanya and her sisters all alone up there?"

I hadn't thought about that at all. Tanya had shown interest in Edward at one time, but seemed to have accepted our union at the wedding. Surely she wouldn't think to encroach on Alice's husband, would she?

"But I feel bad taking half the family with me."

"It's only temporary, Bella," Alice insisted with a confident tilt of her head. "Once you get your control, we can come home. And I can always come back and get my car. Then I can be back and forth in a day or two."

There was no arguing with her, but at the same time, I felt a certain relief that she would be along to keep me company.

"If that's settled, we'd better get going," Edward said. He stepped forward to give Carlisle and Esme a hug. I threw the luggage into the truck bed and closed the bed cover.

"Take care of yourselves, son," Carlisle said as he clapped Edward on the back. "We'll keep you posted on developments down here."

"Thank you," Edward said. "We'll come back as soon as we can."

Esme caught Edward in a fierce embrace and kissed him on the cheek. "Take care of Bella," she whispered to him. "Come back soon."

"I will, Mother," he whispered back.

Esme held on for a long moment, then released him abruptly. She turned to me carefully, but enfolded me in an embrace no less heartfelt.

"I'm sorry for splitting up the family, Esme," I said, miserably.

"Hush, dear. We'll be together again before you know it," she said, quietly. "You'll need to embrace who you are now, Bella. Until you can do that, you won't be truly happy."

"Thanks, Esme. I'll try." I kept my arms still, but kissed her on the cheek.

There was a touch on my arm. It was Rosalie. "Listen to her, Bella." Her voice was quite earnest, and there was no trace of animosity that I could detect. "She told me the same thing after I changed."

I nodded my assent, somehow controlling my surprise. Sisterly advice was the last thing I would have expected from Rosalie.

"I know I told you a lot of reasons to stay human. But you're here now. You have to take what happiness you can wherever you are. I hated being a vampire at first, because all the things I wanted in life were in the human world. That was before I realized what the benefits could be. It was much better after that."

I gave a shy smile of appreciation for her effort. "Thanks, Rosalie. That means a lot."

Esme smiled at her eldest daughter, and reached out to include her in a group hug. She gave a quick squeeze to both of us, then let go and handed me to Carlisle. He stepped forward and hugged me quickly.

"I'm sorry your first days were so...eventful," Carlisle said with a regretful smile.

I ducked my head. "I'm sorry I'm so much trouble," I replied. I seemed to be saying that a lot these days.

"Nonsense," he said, kindly. "You're not half the trouble Emmett or Jasper were. It must be something about raising boys. Anyway, I'm happy you're part of the family."

"Thank you, Carlisle." I stepped up on my tiptoes and kissed him on the cheek as well.

I waited by the truck while Alice and Jasper said their goodbyes. Emmett came up to me and wrapped me up in his huge arms.

"It's going to be pretty dull around here without you," Emmett rumbled.

"I'll miss you too, Emmett." I gave a fond smile to my favorite brother.

He looked around at the others. "That's one problem with having a big family," he grinned. "Goodbyes take a long time."

"That's okay. I'll take it," I said. And as I thought about the love that bonded this family together, it helped ease the sorrow I'd felt at leaving my mother and father behind. Esme was right. I might be leaving my parents but I would always have a family.

Our farewells done, I climbed into the passenger side of the truck. Edward took the driver's seat automatically, while Jasper and Alice climbed into the back. Edward turned the engine over, and started the truck down the driveway.

I turned in my seat and watched the other half of my family standing in front of the house, waving until we went around the first bend of trees. Once again, I was leaving Forks. At least this time I wasn't in danger, or walking into it. I still felt badly that I was splitting the family in two, and hoped I could gain control of myself quickly. For all that Rosalie seemed to be wrapped up in herself, she enjoyed having the family together and I was starting to feel it too. Even though I had been pretty independent when I was human, it was nice to have my parents around. Carlisle and Esme had quickly filled that void, and I hoped we could be back together soon.

= = CR = = CR = = CR = =


To be continued...

What do you think of the "after car"? Good? Bad? OOC? Love to hear from you!