A/N: Thanks all, for sticking with me so far. I hope you'll find the results worth the wait.
Thanks so much to everyone who has read and left feedback, favorited and set alerts. I enjoy your comments very much and you guys make this effort all worthwhile.
And of course I want to thank the women in my life (no, not them, this ain't the Academy Awards). Many thanks to the lovely sherryola for pre-reading and giving me a nudge in the right direction. And I couldn't do this without Katmom - awesome beta - who keeps me from embarrassing myself. :-) Hugs and kisses to you both!
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all the characters, I'm just borrowing the tools from her woodshed. No copyright infringement is intended.
Ch. 15 – Progress
Time, which had seemed to slow down for a while, now began to move again. Maybe it was because I had discovered more things to occupy my mind, or maybe I was getting used to not sleeping at night. Either way, I didn't have as much opportunity to brood.
I also discovered first hand there was a practical side to Alice's shopping – vampires were hard on clothing. Or maybe it was just me. During one hunt, I destroyed my last, favorite pair of sneakers chasing down a dodging elk. Mere canvas and rubber were nowhere near as durable as vampire feet.
Edward was happy for me that I had a better idea of what I wanted to do in life. He came up with a number of suggestions on careers I could pursue that might make a difference to society, and still worked with our lifestyle. I could easily fulfill the physical requirements to become a police officer or a paramedic, but becoming a firefighter was out of the question because of how flammable our venom was. At any rate, the schedule of emergency workers was always unpredictable – even if one were able to work the graveyard shift.
I thought about being an aid worker, volunteering with the Red Cross and traveling to different parts of the world rendering aid in disaster situations. But disasters happened in all parts of the world, and it wouldn't be very charitable to only give aid to gloomy, overcast regions.
Nursing was a possibility. Maybe not a surgical nurse, but a registered nurse or nurse practitioner. Some areas of nursing practice involved less blood than others. I could even work in a hospice, comforting the terminally ill. All of these were incumbent on me mastering my bloodlust, so were a long way off. Maybe my random comment about doing something like Mother Theresa wasn't so silly after all. But whatever I settled on, I would feel better if it was involved with healthcare of some kind. I would need to change my major to biology, but wouldn't be able to do that until the next school year. Edward was enthusiastic about going pre-med as well. It had been over a decade since he had last been through medical school, so he was looking forward to the advances in science.
In the days before our books arrived, Edward and I both spent quite a bit of time training with Eleazar. While it was an activity I'd never pursued before, the abilities of my new body made it interesting and I was curious to see how far it could go. I still wasn't graceful, but now I had some hand-eye coordination. I was gratified that I was able to follow Eleazar's instructions, and do a half-decent job of executing them.
Everything revolved around the center of gravity, and how the arms and legs transferred the force of the opponent through the center into the ground. Stay on center, and one could attack. A slight turn of the wrist or movement of the waist was enough to turn the attack off the center. With the energy dissipated, it was a simple matter to press the arm or fist down to create openings to attack.
Jasper was the best of the three of us, when using the system. I'm sure his decades of fighting experience helped. I qualify the classification because normally he and Edward were even – Edward couldn't help "cheating" with his second hearing.
This is not to say that everything went smoothly. I still had a number of rage episodes that the boys had to bring me down from. One came when Eleazar introduced me to the two-man exercises.
Not used to physical confrontation, I was nervous from the start, so standing face-to-face with Eleazar made me extra jittery. He introduced me to the exercise slowly: push forward, try to press the opponent off balance, then recover, draw back and fend off their energy. Back and forth, back and forth, tentative at first I tried to follow him the best I could.
A sudden shout from Edward and a curse from Jasper distracted me, and I accidentally pushed with my full strength. For a moment, it felt like I was suspended over a void as Eleazar let the energy from my attack flow past him. Then a massive explosion of force struck me in the chest and I flew backwards, out of the front yard. I landed on my butt, and rolled head over tail to a stop, almost to the wall of the workshop.
My temper also exploded, and I wasn't sure if the roaring came from me or was just something in my ears. I scrambled to my feet, ran and leaped back to the front yard in one bound and tried to smash the black-haired man into the ground. But he wasn't there. I turned and started swinging at him, but he brushed me aside. Trying to grab him, I flew by and fell to the ground beyond. Then two others tackled me, followed by the black-haired man. I struggled for a while, squirming and kicking, until the angel's voice reached out to me again. Slowly, I felt the anger seep out of me, leaving me feeling empty, but calm.
"Your gift would be so much better, Jasper," Eleazar was saying when my hearing cleared. His voice was even, not agitated at all. "As you see, I'd have to keep doing this until they gave up or others would come help subdue them."
"I'm sorry, Eleazar!" I cried, mortified that I'd attacked him. "I didn't mean to lose it!"
Edward and Jasper slowly let me go, Edward remaining beside me with his hand on my shoulder. Eleazar smiled as he also let go and squatted in front of me. "No harm done. But you see the importance of maintaining control, yes? By now, you know the movements well enough to use them. But when you lost control, you reverted to pure power. And that wasn't very effective, was it?"
I shook my head.
"You also see that, when you know how, the more energy the opponent gives you the more you can give in return. We'll start again, and keep it slow and gentle. Don't be fearful, but don't be greedy. Only then can you respond properly." Reaching for my hand, he and Edward helped me to my feet. Edward gave me a smile of encouragement and returned to where Jasper waited for him. Eleazar and I picked up where we left off, and I did my best to follow him.
And as Eleazar had suggested, the exercises slowly did help with the self-control. The frequent feeling of being under attack – but having to stay focused and not allow the rage to take over – started to desensitize me to what Carlisle had called the fight-or-flight response. I wasn't as twitchy as before: sudden movements and noises didn't startle me as they once did. I was still easily distracted – vampire senses didn't turn off – but at least I was starting to gain some control over myself.
After working with me for several days, Eleazar moved me to the two-man exercises with Edward, as he had intended all along. The first time we had touched hands was difficult for both of us. We both stood in the ready position, left hands crossed at the wrists. All I could think about were his cracked ribs. They were fully healed, but I couldn't help worrying I might hurt him again.
When Eleazar broke through our defenses, instead of delivering a blow with his fist, he would thump us on the chest or shoulder. It didn't hurt and was an effective signal that he had gotten the upper hand. But if I got past Edward's hands, would I be able to keep myself from delivering too hard of a blow? Would I break his ribs yet again? I waited for him to begin but he also just stood there, the muscles in his face and jaw working as he stared at me, a haunted look in his eyes. Then he straightened and dropped his hands.
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"I can't do it," he said, shaking his head, and turning away.
"Edward? Is something wrong?" It was Eleazar, watching us from where he was working with Jasper.
"I…I can't attack Bella," Edward said, in an agonized voice. "It's antithetical to me. My whole being cringes at the thought of it."
Eleazar stepped back from Jasper and pursed his lips, considering options. "That's… unfortunate, Edward. To learn this system, you need to be able to listen with your hands."
He clasped his hands behind his back and paced slowly toward us. "I can teach you the gross, physical movements. You may be able to read the proper techniques from my mind. But you have to be able to feel it with your own hands. Unless you can learn to trust what your hands feel, you'll be limited to what your eyes tell you. Your gift is second nature to you and may suffice for most situations. But that won't help you with Bella. You can't learn this unless you can touch her hands."
Edward nodded, but his attitude was one of defeat. He turned away and started toward the house.
"Let me talk to him," I said to Eleazar. I caught up to Edward at the front steps. "Edward, wait."
Edward turned to face me but he didn't speak, the look of defeat still on his face.
"Edward, we can't stop now. We've just gotten to the important part."
Edward gazed at me for a long time. His pupils were beginning to darken from golden since our last hunt in Forks. "Do you know how much effort I've expended in order to protect you?" he asked, his voice heavy. "I love you too much to ever raise a hand to you. It goes against every instinct I have."
I closed my eyes as my own guilt assailed me again. Moving closer and sitting down on a step, I tugged gently on his hand for him to join me. After a moment he folded his long legs and settled on the step next to me.
"I know what you're feeling, Edward. I don't want to raise a hand against you either. I've done it three times so far, and I don't want to hurt you again. But look." I raised our clasped hands to show him. "I've made some progress of my own. Last week I didn't want to touch you at all. I was so afraid that I'd hurt you."
"Hmm, that's true," he admitted.
"Edward, I know this sounds selfish after all I've put you through, but we need this. You want me to feel like I can trust myself to touch you again, don't you?"
His eyes burned at me for a moment, before fading into sadness. Then he nodded, and brushed the back of my hand with his fingertips. It tickled. Sudden inspiration struck me. It might be hokey but if he was willing to try I didn't care.
"I'll bet there's one thing about me you don't know," I challenged him.
His brows furrowed as he wondered.
"You don't know if I'm ticklish. You never did try when I was fragile."
"I would have broken your ribs," he rumbled.
"Well, now you won't, so let's get back to work. I need to learn this, too. Eleazar is teaching me to control my strength. Too much and he uses it to defeat me. He also says it will help me get my self-control back. I–" I looked up at him. "I want to be able to be close to you. But if I lose control every time we get…involved, I can't trust myself yet."
I gave his hand a gentle squeeze. "You don't need to attack. As long as you can defend yourself from me, I'll be happy. But if you want to try, don't think of it as attacking me. You're trying to find out if I'm ticklish. I'm sure it sounds nuts but you just need to try to get through. It'll be the same idea."
He raised an eyebrow and did look at me like I was nuts. It would have been funny under other circumstances. "You're kidding, right?"
"Not at all," I said. "Please, Edward. Just try."
Suddenly he chuckled and shook his head. "You're funny today," he replied. "All right, I'll try." He stood, then gazed down for a moment. A smile touched the corner of his mouth and he stooped. I giggled as he lifted me into his arms, and we stole a kiss or two before he carried me back out to the front yard.
We rejoined Jasper and Eleazar and got started again. After the first few tentative passes, Edward finally settled into the exercise. To my surprise, now it was Edward who struggled. I hadn't realized how much he relied on his gift. More often than I cared to, I found myself slipping through his defenses and stopped short, not trusting myself to control the blow. This was quite an eye-opener to the both of us – I had always considered Edward to be my superior in everything we did. Rather than make me feel good about myself, I felt worse, knowing that he still couldn't defend himself from me.
Fortunately Edward was a quick study. He said it helped that he could read what Eleazar wanted him to do right out of his head. But the feel of hands on hands still had to be experienced himself. After a few days, he began to catch on, and it wasn't as easy to get through as before. But I still could; I wasn't ready to totally trust myself around him.
= = = CR = = = CR = = =
The atmosphere in the workshop was strained. I had another rage episode, this time involving Irina. Kate had started me cutting patterns out of the cured pelts. I was no seamstress but it wasn't difficult; it was like cutting patterns out of construction paper in grade school. Even Alice helped in her way, by creating new designs for the sisters' native clothing line. Some of the designs were a little impractical for fur but gave the sisters new ideas to try.
Caribou and other animal pelts were much tougher than construction paper, but no match for vampire strength. However, the quality of my pieces didn't seem to satisfy Irina's exacting standards, and had elicited a fairly constant stream of criticism from her. I tried to hold onto my temper, but it wasn't easy. One final comment about an infant being able to do a better job was all I could take.
"Look! I'm just trying to help out, okay?" I had shouted.
"Did I ask for your help?" she had retorted. "You and your family always ask us for our help. But you never give help! Not when it matters!" We were both standing now, in each other's faces and I didn't remember rising from the bench. Kate had tried to get between us, to push us both back but we ignored her.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Just go back to Washington and your wolf friends!" she had yelled, and pushed me in the chest. Tripping on a bench, I had fallen back onto the floor.
That did it. With a scream of rage, I jumped up and delivered a two-handed push with as much power as I had. She flew backward and crashed through the doors of the workshop, broken wood scattering in all directions. I rushed after her through the hole in the door as a shout came from behind me.
Outside, the blonde hair was just getting to her feet, halfway into the yard. I leaped forward to grab her and crush her, but she jumped straight up, avoiding my grasp. I lurched around, looking up for her, and she came down behind me, trying to get an arm around my neck. I grabbed the arm, keeping her from getting a choke hold. Then I pulled the arm forward and heaved her over my shoulder, sending her flying again.
Two new bodies suddenly tackled me from behind. I tried to wrench my arms or legs free so I could deal with this new threat. As I struggled, I slowly realized that the screaming was coming from me. Through all that, the voice came to me again, soft and calming – my angel had returned. The rage left me like sand from an hourglass, and I stopped screaming, my breath still coming quickly.
Kate knelt next to Irina, helping her to sit up. They were talking quickly in a language that I guessed was Slovak. Edward and Jasper let me go, now that I had control of myself again.
"Is everybody okay?" I cried.
"No limbs lost," was Kate's reply.
"Irina, I didn't mean to do that," I said. "But you've been on my case ever since we got here. I never met you before I came up here, so what's your problem?"
Irina spat some harsh and guttural foreign words at me. From the tone I was glad I didn't know what she said. She glared at me as she got shakily to her feet, and walked back to the house, muttering all the way.
We spent the rest of the day repairing the doors to the workshop. Edward, Jasper and Kate were all quite handy, and I helped where I could. The doors were repaired in no time. Irina stayed inside and rested, complaining of a sore arm and shoulder.
After the incident, Irina and I were careful to avoid each other. I didn't want to be the cause of more conflict, and for some reason, I seemed to set her off. Kate suggested I might want to give Irina some time to cool down. I agreed, but I enjoyed spending time in the workshop with Kate. So on days I wanted to visit, I took extra pains to check if Irina was working before I would enter the building.
Another week went by and some things arrived for us in the mail. Alice and Tanya had made a quick trip into town to pick up some supplies needed for the workshop. Alice was trying to help the sisters expand their line using denim, so needed to get some cloth. When they checked in at the post office, our books – and a package from Carlisle – had arrived.
Eager to try desensitizing myself to blood, I enlisted the others' help. Jasper, Edward and Eleazar would restrain me if needed, while Alice introduced the blood sample. We gathered on the front porch – less breakables for me – and began the experiment. Alice brought out a small plastic bag containing a cotton ball, moistened red with a few drops of blood. A slight breeze blowing under the porch brushed the hair away from my face, and carried Alice's delicate scent to my nostrils.
When Alice opened the bag, my mind left my body – it was nothing like the scent of animal blood; that only beckoned half-heartedly at me. The scent grabbed my focus in an iron grip, while all my other faculties searched madly for the human that must be hiding nearby. I think I lunged up from where I was sitting, then could move no more. As I started to struggle free, my ears filled with a calming, gentle voice. Closing my eyes, letting those words become my world, the pounding need to hunt gradually subsided. I finally opened my eyes again to Alice's smiling face. The blood sample was nowhere to be seen, and Edward was behind me, whispering gently in my ear, his arms wrapped about my waist.
"Is everybody all right?" I asked, and received their reassurances as they assumed more relaxed attitudes. "Well, that could have gone better."
"Nonsense," Edward retorted, and gently turned me around to face him. "Now we know that dose was too much. We'll try smaller amounts until we find what you can stand. Some sharks can smell blood down to one part per million in seawater, but that doesn't automatically trigger a feeding frenzy. We'll just have to find what your level is."
Slightly encouraged, I rubbed his cheek fondly, while Alice went inside to prepare another, smaller sample. Glancing at Jasper, and Eleazar as well, I was so very thankful to have family, and that I didn't have to go through this experience by myself.
= = = CR = = = CR = = =
With the arrival of our books, Edward and I added reading, studying and homework to our daily routine. College history was not as difficult as I thought it might be. Some of the material was familiar from high school, although more detailed. In my English literature class, we were studying A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens. Now that I had decided to pursue a more useful career, I didn't have as much motivation for this subject as before, but I still enjoyed reading so it wasn't too much of a stretch for me.
I had always considered myself a decent student, as long as I put my time in. Math tended to be my weakest subject and needed extra attention. However, from the very first assignment, school was now a brand new experience. For one thing, the photographic memory was very useful, as I could recall images of entire pages from my textbooks. Answering assigned questions was suddenly no challenge at all. For our first history assignment, Edward and I read the assigned material, wrote up the homework, and were ready to e-mail the work to our instructor in less than an hour. However we needed to maintain the façade of normalcy, so we waited the allotted week before sending it.
We worked on schoolwork during the day, taking advantage of natural light to power the solar panels for when we needed to write papers or do homework. Workouts with Eleazar moved to the evening and night hours when we didn't need the light. I wondered how we would manage during the months when the sun didn't shine. Edward assured me that the wind turbines produced enough power to charge the house batteries. Having two systems was insurance, since there would be times when the solar arrays would be covered with snow.
Edward sat next to me whenever we did homework now. Partly because he wanted my company, but also to take advantage of my capability to mute his second hearing. While his mental ability was second nature to him, he enjoyed being 'normal' again during those times he wanted to concentrate. My gift seemed to work better with skin-to-skin contact, so I wore short-sleeve shirts for him, or rolled up my sleeves.
One morning, after a long workout session through the night with the boys, I returned to our room to write an essay on the theme of redemption in Tale of Two Cities. After a while, Edward came into the room. I thought he was going to work on homework as well, but he seemed to be nervous. It might have been my imagination; I had done my best not to give him a reason to be nervous around me. I set my book aside. "Hey you, what's up?"
Edward pulled the other chair closer to me, sat and took my hand. "Bella, love, do you know what day today is?"
I searched his face for a hint as to why he might be nervous but nothing came to mind. Squinting one eye, I tried to remember what the date was, as I hadn't been paying attention. We really needed to put a calendar in the room…
"Oh!" I exclaimed. My eyes grew wide with surprise.
"That's right, sweetheart," Edward said with a smile. "Happy birthday!" He leaned close and kissed me on the cheek.
"Now just a minute, I stopped aging last month," I retorted. "I'm still eighteen, remember? What's the point of counting birthdays when we're going to live forever?"
Edward gave my hand a squeeze. "I know, but it's the day that brought you into the world. To me, that's one of the most important days of the year. How can I let today go by without some kind of commemoration?"
I dropped my eyes at that, still a little embarrassed. But I figured if I couldn't make him happy one way, I'd do it another way. "I guess. It depends what you mean by commemoration," I said slowly, thinking of my eighteenth birthday. "You don't have to do anything special for me; you already gave me the truck."
"No, love, I wouldn't let Alice do that to you again," he guessed correctly. "If you were human we might take you out for a nice dinner. Since this is your first vampire birthday, I thought maybe we'd celebrate it our way. Are you getting tired of caribou?"
I shrugged. "I'm okay with it, but you obviously have something in mind."
"How well you know me." He seemed to have gotten over his nerves. "I was thinking of heading down to the Susitna River. It's still salmon spawning season. That brings bears out of the woods and down to the rivers to feed."
"Bears?" I exclaimed.
He nodded. "They're omnivores, so they taste much better. I thought we'd have a vampire picnic. We'll take in some of the scenery and watch the wildlife. Alaska has some of the most spectacular natural scenery in North America."
"When you say 'we'…"
"Happy birthday!" Alice cried as she bounced into the room, over to my side and threw her arms around me. Jasper followed her at a more sedate pace.
I turned my head and raised a suspicious eyebrow at Edward.
Alice let go, her eyes twinkling. "Don't worry, silly, Edward made me promise: 'nothing outrageous'." She said the last part in a perfect impersonation of Edward's voice.
This wasn't the first time I had heard Alice imitate Edward and I'd always wondered how she did that. I knew she could sing with almost perfect pitch, so it must be something to do with the control she had over her vocal cords. My memory contained many snippets of Edward's voice stored away. I tried to bring up one of them and funneled it through my head into my throat.
"Nothing outrageous," I said. It wasn't Edward, but it was a masculine voice that came from my lips. The stunned silence was quickly broken by their surprised laughter.
"Not bad," said Alice, grinning from ear to ear.
Edward put an arm around my shoulders and gave me a squeeze. "Needs work. I sound like I have laryngitis."
"I don't know," Jasper drawled. "I'd say she sounds more like you than you do."
Edward snorted. "Come on then. We'll need to get moving if we're going to get there before sundown."
"Wait a minute," Alice said. She darted from the room and returned with two boxes.
"Alice…" I began.
"Shush!" she said. "You need this."
I rolled my eyes at her and opened a box. It was a dun-colored parka with a fur lining. The design looked familiar. "From the new line?" I asked.
She nodded, pleased. "You need something to wear when we can go near people again. Open the next one."
The second box revealed a pair of black, mid-calf leather boots. A leather strap harness across the top of the foot and around the heel gave them a more rugged look, but still with flair.
"Your Doc Martens were okay for your high-school, grunge phase. But you need something a little more sophisticated. You are a Cullen, you know."
"Thanks, Alice." I rolled my eyes a little, but smiled as I got up. I reached over and kissed her on the cheek. "Okay, let's go see some bears. I'm curious to see what Emmett likes about them."
We asked the others, except for Irina, if they wanted to come but grizzly bear was nothing new to them. Eleazar had suggested that we might use this opportunity as a training session, since bears were very strong. That made me feel a little nervous. The biggest thing I had tackled so far had been a moose, but they had no claws to fight back with. The mountain lion I killed had clawed me with no ill effects, but it was a fraction of the size of a full-grown grizzly.
The trip didn't take long the way Edward drove. Edward located a part of the Susitna that ran just outside Denali National Park, but was not developed and still fairly remote. It was just over one-hundred miles from Healy, and the dirt road he found didn't extend very far so we were on foot fairly soon. Just in case we were seen by hunters or fishermen, we were all wearing winter wear. I had my new parka on, and hoped I would be able to keep it in one piece. The sky was overcast and there was a definite chill in the wind.
Alice and Edward took the lead, keeping an eye open for people. I kept pace with Jasper behind them. A short run brought us into a wide river valley – the surrounding hills were covered with low scrub bushes, and stands of spruce and poplar. I sniffed, testing the air; I could only detect the scent of the trees, the river and the rank smell of dead salmon that were washing downstream. Edward waved at me and pointed at the river.
I had never seen a salmon run before. Fins broke through the surface of the water all over the place. If they all swam at the surface it might have been a solid carpet of silver scales. Never had I seen this many fish in once place at the same time.
We weren't the only ones here for the spectacle. I looked up and spotted many bald eagles circling. Along the bank, a number of them had landed and were picking at dead fish that had washed ashore. As we drew closer, my nose picked up a musky scent I hadn't smelled before; it must be bear.
Suddenly the eagles scattered, rending the air with cries of warning. A growling grunt echoed across the river valley and a bear lumbered into sight, scaring the eagles off their food. It sniffed at the carcasses the eagles had been feeding on, then turned toward the water. The salmon were too focused on swimming upstream to notice the danger in time. In short order the bear pinned one to the river bottom, picked it up in its jaws and carried it to shore.
Edward tested our surroundings, then nodded at me. "Ladies first?" he asked.
With a large bear specimen in front of us, I was still nervous. It was bigger than Emmett. "Um, why don't one of you go first?" I asked.
Edward looked at Jasper, who shrugged and hiked down the river bank.
The bear spotted Jasper quickly and growled, protecting its food. When Jasper showed no signs of backing down, the beast reared up on its hind legs and roared. It was huge! It towered over Jasper by almost two feet. I had read somewhere that grizzly bears could reach fifteen-hundred pounds when full grown; almost nine times more than a grown man.
Unable to intimidate Jasper, the bear dropped to all fours and charged, trying to drive him off. Jasper stopped moving and waited. As the bear got close enough, it rose up, shuffling forward on its hind legs, and lashed out a huge paw. But Jasper wasn't there. He stepped back, slapped aside the flailing claws, then stepped in with a double-hammer fist to the bear's head. The powerful blow knocked the bear to the ground, where it stayed – its skull was crushed.
Jasper looked back at me in encouragement. "There, not so bad, eh?"
"If you say so," I said, dubiously.
"You don't have to do it yourself, if you don't want to." Edward's concern was very touching, but I couldn't let him take care of me forever.
"No, I want to," I insisted. "Eleazar said they'd be good practice, and I could use it."
Edward considered that, then nodded. "All right. Let's find a bear for you, love."
We continued downriver, scanning the area for bears and humans. A bear was big enough for two, so Alice stayed behind to share it with Jasper. Not far away, maybe a quarter of a mile around a bend in the river, we came across another feeding grizzly. Now that I had a better idea of what to expect, I stepped forward with a "wish me luck."
I jogged out onto the rocky river bank, and the movement instantly caught the bear's attention. It growled a warning but I kept coming, letting a growl of my own roll from my lips. I stopped when I found a fairly level area and waited. The bear didn't keep me waiting for long. I could feel the rage reaction coming and took several deep breaths, pushing it away as I'd practiced, focusing my glare on the oncoming giant. Don't be fearful, don't be greedy, I chanted in my head.
Roaring as it came, the bear reared back with paws wide, spittle flying from its jaws. I brushed aside both swipes of the claws, dodged the snap of its jaws…but forgot about the weight of its charge. The bear's chest rammed into me and bowled me over. It was on me in an instant, pinning me to the ground and I felt its jaws on me as it tried to bite through my neck. A screech of ursine fangs on vampire skin rang out.
Suddenly the weight was gone. I looked up and Edward was standing over me, having shoved the bear off. It rolled to a stop and sat there growling, assessing the new threat.
"Are you all right?" he asked, his voice tight, eyes on the bear.
The roaring started in my ears again and I pushed it back, focusing on the bear again. I took another deep breath and got up. "Yeah, he just surprised me. I've got this," I muttered. Relatively calm again, I stepped in front of Edward. "Get back, you're scaring him," I said.
"I'm scaring him?" was his incredulous answer, but he retreated.
I waved my arms and snarled, trying to antagonize the bear. It responded in kind, and obliged me by attacking again.
This time I took a slight step back, deflected the claws and stopped its charge with a double-palm strike in the chest. As the head dipped forward, I followed with an elbow strike to the side of the head, turning my waist for more power. The impact from my elbow echoed about the valley like a pistol shot, as the bear fell on its side. Just to make sure, I reached down, grasped it by the muzzle and broke its neck with a quick jerk.
I straightened up to see Edward looking on a little wild-eyed. But when he saw I was okay he closed his eyes and blew out a long breath. He shook his head as he walked over, and enfolded me in an urgent embrace.
"Bella, Bella, my Bella," he whispered. He started kissing every part of my face he could reach: my eyes, nose, cheeks, ears. I could hear his quick breathing as he hadn't calmed down yet, then his lips moved against mine. I kissed him back, but left my arms at my sides. After a little more, he turned his lips aside, and just held me tight, cheek to cheek, his breathing slowly returning to normal.
"Are you all right, love?" he asked as he kissed my hair.
I worked my neck and shoulders a little, but nothing felt out of place. "Yeah, I'm good. Sorry I scared you."
"That's an understatement," he groaned. "If I still had a pulse I would've had a heart attack."
I pulled back a little and lay a hand on his cheek. "You shouldn't worry so much. You're the one who told me it's very hard to kill a vampire."
He gazed down at me with eyes of onyx; he was thirsty, so it was a good day to hunt. "I know, love. Knowing it is one thing, but watching it–" he shuddered and shook his head. "The mind and the heart don't always agree with each other."
How well I knew that, I thought with a little sigh. "You're still sweet. You know," I began, measuring my words. "All this training with Eleazar started so I could touch you again. But that doesn't mean I don't get any benefit. Soon I'm going to be able to take care of myself as well as you can. Then you'll just have to trust me, okay?"
He nodded. "You're right. It won't be easy, but I'll try."
"Good. Let's eat."
"Um, sorry about your parka."
I unzipped, shrugged out of the parka to inspect it, and sighed. The hood was almost torn off and the shoulder area was in tatters. "I should've known better than to wear it hunting."
We took turns at the grizzly. It was quite pleasant, having a picnic in the pristine valley – the burbling sound of the river was very soothing and the occasional call of an eagle reminded me how wild the area was.
Edward was right, the bear tasted better than caribou or moose. Much better than mountain lion even. I'd never tasted human blood, but of the different animals I'd tried, bear blood tasted the closest to how human blood smelled. No wonder Emmett liked them the best.
Edward was drinking when suddenly his eyes flew wide. He threw a quick glance over his shoulder. "Grab the bear, Bella, we've got to hide!" he whispered urgently. Then in a flash, reached down and hefted the bear onto his shoulder. I grabbed the hind legs and followed him up the river bank and back into a thick stand of trees. He dropped his end and turned back toward the river.
"What is it?" I asked.
"Hunters," he murmured. "They heard the commotion and came to investigate. They thought it was a couple of bears fighting. Go ahead and drink. I'll keep watch." He cupped his hands to his mouth and gave a low bird call, like a whippoorwill. A second later it was answered in a higher tone. Alice.
I was almost done, and took a few more swallows, enjoying my first bear. When I was finished I stood and peered through the foliage with Edward. Four men with hunting rifles had topped the river bank, moving upstream toward the spot where I had killed the bear. I didn't think I had spilled any of the bear's blood when I killed it but they would see the signs of struggle, and maybe our footprints. I tested the air, and the wind was blowing toward the hunters. Luck was with us. I tugged on Edward's sleeve.
"We should go before the wind shifts." I didn't need to take any more risks today.
He agreed. We turned and ghosted through the trees, back upstream toward where we had left Jasper and Alice. Alice had seen us coming and they met us under cover of the trees. We quickly left the scene. The hunters might find the bear carcasses but that wasn't completely unusual in the wild. Animals that big and powerful were bound to injure each other in disputes.
When we got back to the truck, Edward asked me if I still wanted to go hiking and catch some more of the Alaskan scenery. "It's still your day, after all," he said.
I shook my head. "I've had enough excitement for one day. And with four humans in the area, I don't want to take the chance. Let's go home."
He nodded his understanding and opened the driver's side door.
Alice sighed and lifted the ruined hood of my parka with her fingers. "Honestly, Bella, couldn't you have worn something else bear hunting? A Kevlar vest, maybe? Chain mail?"
"Sorry, Alice," I said sheepishly. "Good thing I know the manufacturer. Do you think it's still under warranty?"
Alice rolled her eyes at me and climbed into the truck.
= = = CR = = = CR = = =
Time passed and the weather gradually got colder and the already short Alaskan days grew even shorter. Rain fell more and more frequently. Finally the first snow fell, and I looked up to realize that it was October. We had been in Alaska for over a month.
I came to the guilty realization that I had let a month go by and my situation with Edward was still not resolved. We still studied together, trained together, hunted together, and enjoyed quality time. Unfortunately, our physical limits on intimacy were back – this time by my requirement. Cuddling was fine, as long as we took it slow. But kissing him too deeply and allowing our hands to wander too much started my body humming, and I quickly pulled back. Anything more than that risked another episode.
I wasn't sure when it happened, but after a while, I began to notice a subtle difference in Edward. Most of the time, he was normal – hunting, studying, reading, watching TV, etc. – just my Edward. But occasionally, out of the corner of my eye, or through the curtain of my hair, I would catch him gazing longingly at me, a visible ache in his eyes. By the time I looked up he had already composed himself and had a calm expression or a half-smile on his lips for me.
I had to find a way to control my…passionate side, for lack of a better term. But how? One of the joys of being intimate with the one you loved was the surrender of control, the ultimate expression of trust and love that two people shared. It was catch-22 – I had to deny that ultimate surrender, or I would hurt him, but by staying in control, I could never give myself to that experience with Edward. It was a good thing we were used to delaying the fulfillment of that impulse. Now that I was indifferent to temperature, a cold shower would do me no good at all.
Edward said his love for me had given him the strength to fight back the desire for my blood, to push himself away from the very thing that called him. I didn't see how that would work for me, since the passion I felt pulled me toward him like matter down a gravity well. How could I deny what was part of my soul?
Finally taking Alice's advice, the next time I needed to hunt, I asked Jasper to accompany me. She was right about his understanding of emotional states, and he had lots of experience controlling moods. Alice must have mentioned my need to talk to him because he didn't seem too surprised. After I was sated on caribou, I broached the subject. We happened to be by a small pool formed by one of the streams in the area, and I began to field dress the carcass.
"Jasper, when you used to be able to work with my moods, how did you do it? Do you have to be angry to get other people angry?"
Jasper gave a low chuckle. "No, it doesn't work that way, and it's rather hard to explain." He thought for a while, his brow puckered. Then with a faint nod, he picked up a rock, and tossed it into one of the pools. The soft plop of the stone sounded above the music of burbling streams, and ripples began to spread in the gently moving water.
"Think of emotions as different kinds of ripples that emanate from a person, with that person being the center of the ripples. Not only can I feel the...quality of what the ripples are, I can send a certain kind of ripple back to the person."
I frowned slightly as I tried to imagine it. "So, if you're trying to calm someone down, you're settling down the ripples?"
"That's as good of an explanation as any," Jasper shrugged. "Think of calm as the absence of ripples. As you might imagine, there isn't a lot of research into this particular phenomenon."
"Then for me to be calm, I'd have to smooth away my own ripples?"
"That's just how I look at it." He tossed another stone into the pool. "You've been working to calm your rages as we've been working out, right? However you've been doing that, it seems to be working, so just keep using it."
I felt a little bubble of embarrassment, but Jasper had been there for Edward and me, so I just dove in. "Would that work on the other kind of episode I've had?"
"I don't see why not."
I let that sink in, but wasn't happy about it. If I could shut down an attack of passion, I still wouldn't be able to be with Edward completely. But I suppose that would have to suffice for now. "Thanks, Jasper. I'll try to work on that."
Jasper clearly sensed my disappointment because he chucked me on the shoulder. "Don't worry, Bella. The newborn phase doesn't last forever."
A heavy sigh escaped me. "I hope not. That would totally suck."
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Talking with Jasper had helped a little, but still didn't answer the whole question. Thinking about my newborn strength made me think about Emmett. After all, he was naturally stronger than I was, so being newborn would have made him even more so. He must have had to somehow control himself so he could be close to Rosalie, or he would have killed her. Speaking with Jasper had broken the ice somewhat, and I didn't feel as hesitant to call Emmett.
After I dropped the caribou carcass off in the workshop and cleaned up, I found a quiet spot away from the house to call home. Fortunately, Emmett was there and answered after a few rings. We exchanged a few pleasantries until I got around to the point.
"So, Emmett, I wanted to ask you something," I began.
"Yeah?"
"Did you have a hard time, like me, after you were changed?"
Emmett's chuckle rumbled low in my ear. "You know, Bella, I think most of the time after Carlisle changed me, I just felt blessed, like I didn't have a thing to complain about. I wasn't dead – which I sure as hell would've been if Rose hadn't found me – and I had the most beautiful woman I'd ever met keeping me company. Yeah, I was thirsty, but as a human we were hungry a lot in my family, so that wasn't much different."
"Did you ever lose it, like I did?" I imagined a super-strong Emmett, raging through Esme's house, and shook my head.
"I think I got a bit more excited a time or two," he admitted. "Good thing Mom is so forgiving, ya know?"
A smile touched my lips as I thought of Esme. "Yeah, I bet you were a handful. Did you do anything to keep from hurting people?"
"Aside from staying away from humans, no. But you're thinking of when you lost it, right?"
"Yeah. That and hurting Edward."
"Okay, don't take this the wrong way, but I think I take things easier than you. Always did, even when I was human. Unless something bites you in the ass, it's not worth getting worked up over, eh?" He laughed, and I wondered if he was thinking about the bear that almost killed him.
"You know you had a temper going into this, right?" he said, before I could respond.
"I, um, well..."
"Come on! You don't remember punching out the werewolf?"
I snorted at the memory. "I do, but he really pissed me off."
"Not every girl punches somebody they're mad at."
I squirmed a bit at that. I'd never thought of myself as violent, but couldn't deny that I had acted instinctively and out of rage.
"Well, ugh..." I floundered around in my head for a while, trying to figure out how to ask him what was really on my mind. "I suppose you're right. But that's kind of a different issue from what I wanted to ask you about."
"Okay, go ahead."
I twisted a strand of hair around my fingers and jumped in. "So, what I was wondering was, did you and Rose have a hard time of it. I mean, while you were a newborn?"
"Huh? Hard time in what way?"
"You're so big and strong, as a newborn you must have been a walking disaster. Did you ever hurt her?"
"Mmmm, no, I don't think so." Emmett's tone was so confused, it gave me pause. Hold on, he and Rose had been married for decades, how could he not know what I was talking about? I tried again.
"You mean you never lost control while you were...making out? When you were...umm...really involved. Do you know what I mean?" I held my hand over my eyes. Despite my earlier determination, I was still absolutely mortified at talking to Emmett about sex.
The phone was dead silent and I wished a hole in the floor would open up and swallow me. I cast around for another way to ask that was relatively discreet, when a bellow of laughter shocked me out of my chagrin. As the hoots and howls kept going, I found myself doing a slow burn, and closed my eyes to focus myself and push away the anger.
"I wish I could see your face, Bella!" Emmett snorted, when he calmed down enough to speak. "Did you break it off? Oh, geez, I gotta ask Jasper!" He broke into another fit of mirth that dragged on and on until it ended in a resounding crunch. I opened my hand and glared down at the mangled lump of plastic and aluminum that had been my phone. Part of me noted it was a good thing I could remember all my contact information, because even if I dug the chip out of the phone carcass, it might also be destroyed.
I sat for a while, fuming in embarrassment. The stoic landscape of the Denali wilderness stared back patiently in the face of my anger, waiting me out. That was good, because I didn't want to go back to the house in this mood. Finally, as I was starting to cool down, I heard the sounds of someone approaching. I stood up to wait, and soon Alice trotted into view, holding her phone.
"It's Emmett," she said, as she handed it to me. "Try not to break this one, all right? I like the case."
"I'll try, Alice." I thanked her as she headed back to the house, and lifted the phone. "Hello?"
"Sorry, Bella, I couldn't resist. You and Edward were the last virgins I know, so I just had to rub your face in it a little." Emmett's voice hovered on the verge of dissolving into laughter, which didn't help my temper.
"Great, well, I think I'm gonna go now–" I growled and prepared to hang up.
"No, wait! Seriously, I'm sorry. I don't mean to be an ass, but it just comes naturally sometimes."
"Did Rosalie smack you?"
"Um, yeah, a little," he confessed.
I'd said it sarcastically, but that brought me up short. Rosalie had been civil, but still wasn't what I'd call a best friend. For her to chastise Emmett and force him to apologize meant something. "Remind me to thank her," I grumbled.
Emmett's voice took on a more chastened tone. "Yeah, well, you wouldn't ask if it wasn't important to you, so I shouldn't make fun."
I took a breath and let him talk; he was the only other family member that came close to having an experience like mine. "You're right about that."
"So listen, I don't know if I have a good answer for you, because Rose and I didn't have the same kind of courtship that you and Edward did."
"I'm listening."
"You and Edward were already done courting and getting married before you were changed. From the way you guys acted, you two must already have been mates when you were still human. Rose and me, we didn't really meet until after my change, if you think about it. Then I had to work through being a newborn and she had some of her own issues to figure out. We had to move around some and Rosalie didn't like being uprooted. But it didn't take long after I settled down to really get to know who she was and how she made me feel. We started walking out and, well, I ain't looked back since."
"So, you grew to love each other after you were changed, and after your newborn phase?"
"Basically."
"Damn." The hope I didn't know I was holding deflated again, as I realized Emmett didn't have the answer I was hoping for. I'd felt so sure he would be able to tell me what he had done to keep Rose safe from a fit of newborn passion.
"Bella, if it helps, remember what I said about your temper? I take things easier than you do, so I didn't have the same kind of freak out periods. So maybe if you can figure out how to tone it down, that'll keep you from losing it."
"That's what Jasper said, just try to keep calm."
"Yeah. Roll with things more. Works for me most of the time."
I couldn't hold it in, and let loose a huge, disappointed sigh.
"Sorry, Bella." I could imagine his huge shoulders shrugging. "If it helps any, I didn't get together with Rose for a while either."
"I guess that will have to do for now." I ran a hand through my hair, and twined a strand about my fingers. Emmett was trying, and while I was disappointed, I had to appreciate his effort. "Edward still wants me to arm wrestle you, you know."
Emmett's infectious laugh filled the receiver. "Hey, anytime, little girl. Anytime."
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When I told Renee that I wanted to try becoming a nurse, she was predictably proud of me and happy for my choice. I didn't mention that it would probably be twenty years before I would be able to work with humans, but that would just confuse her. She and Phil were planning to do a little traveling, now that it was the off season. Shortly after that message from Renee, I got a surprise in my inbox. Charlie had discovered e-mail. He must have gotten my address from Renee.
As laconic as he was in person, Charlie seemed to open up a little in print. Baseball season had ended and the Mariners had missed the post-season again. Fortunately, football season had just started, and the salmon season had been pretty good so far. He commented that he wished I was home to make the fish taste better, and I felt a little wistful at that. Then he said that things in Forks were starting to get back to normal. There had been no further sign of the rogue bear that killed Mike and Jessica. Parents were letting their children go out to play again. After a moment I almost felt like I was reading a police report. He signed off with the hope that Edward and I were enjoying school.
I typed a quick reply, congratulating him for emerging from the Stone Age and sent him a recipe for grilled salmon. I thought cooking that involved open flame and an element of danger might be something he could handle. I also filled him in on the classes I was taking, and my thoughts on becoming a nurse. I started to ask him to say hello to Jacob for me. Then I thought better of it, deleted that line and hit send.
One day dawned overcast, but with no snow falling. I decided to take my psychology book up to the hill to read, just for a change of scenery. I found a nice snow drift nestled near some stunted spruces. With the wind gently murmuring through the wind turbines, I settled in. Dressed as I was in shorts and a T-shirt, this wasn't something I could have done when I was human. My body took the same temperature as my surroundings, ensuring that the snow did not melt below me, and the pages of my book wouldn't get wet.
It was so unlike my days in Forks, when the cold and wet depressed me and made me yearn for the dry heat of Arizona. The novelty of the sensation still hadn't worn off for me – to be able to touch the snow, sense the cold in the air, but to not feel cold even when standing outside, soaking wet in the rain. Hypothermia was a thing of the past, and I found it quite liberating. Smiling, I dug my bare feet into the snow, letting the crystals squish between my toes like sand at the beach. A little shiver of contentment twitched my shoulders, and I opened my book to read.
I was in the middle of reading about the history of the field of psychology when the wind calmed and I heard voices coming from the ranch below. It sounded like Kate, Edward and Irina. Curious, I crept from my reading spot to a plot of bushes overlooking the workshop. Irina looked agitated, as always. Edward and Kate were trying to reason with her.
"Both of you know how hard it is to find someone willing to try our way of life," Irina was saying. "Why can't you understand the way I feel?"
"Irina, Laurent wasn't as dedicated to our way as he might have told you," Kate said. "I know he cheated, and he would have killed Bella for food."
"I'm not so concerned that he cheated. It wasn't so long ago that we gave up humans, and this life isn't for everybody. But Edward's mate was human at the time. How does that count as a sin against the family?"
From my hiding place I could see Edward glare at Irina but he didn't speak.
"Edward married her when she was human. That makes her part of the family, even then," Kate insisted.
Edward finally spoke. "Irina, you know that I'm not a wolf lover. One of the werewolves is in love with Bella, and kept trying to steal her away from me, even after we were married. He was there at the time of the incident with Laurent and I read his memory when we talked about it.
"Our treaty extends to our family and friends, as long as they honor human life as we do. The wolves were debating whether Laurent was a friend or enemy when they saw him in the forest with Bella. When they saw him draw his hand back to strike, he decided the issue for them and they attacked.
"Even if we didn't have a treaty with the wolves, I owe them for Bella's life. For that reason alone I couldn't turn my back on them. I know you want justice, but is it justice to harbor ill will for someone who had no hand in his death?"
"Sister, he was working for an enemy of the family," Kate's hands were spread as she appealed to Irina. "One that desired Bella's death; that counts as a sin against us. If not for that evil errand, he wouldn't have returned to Forks to run afoul of the wolves in the first place. He would have stayed here safe with us."
"I don't mean to dishonor the memory of one you hold dear," Edward said. "But revenge won't bring him back."
Irina turned away and covered her face in anguish. "Katya, don't you understand? I'm tired of all the meaningless trysts. I want love and I thought maybe he might be the one. All I have left of him are my memories! Can't you at least leave me with those?" She fled from them into the workshop, banging the door on her way in.
I ducked out of sight and crept back to my reading spot. But as I opened my book and went back to the history of psychology, I couldn't help but feel a little sorry for Irina. She was still grieving. Was it so unreasonable that she still wanted to avenge Laurent?
= = = CR = = = CR = = =
After a couple more weeks went by, I realized I had gone almost three weeks without another rage episode. Whether it was the training, the natural maturing of my body or whether everybody was taking pains to keep me calm, I wasn't sure. My thirst had stretched out to once every three days now, rather than every two. Hopeful, I wanted to see if the desensitizing exercises had increased my control over my bloodlust. I asked Edward, Alice and Jasper to take me into town after dark. At first they thought I was crazy but I explained I didn't want to go among the people. I wanted to stand downwind of the town, get a whiff of fresh humans and see how much control I had gotten back. They were to stay with me of course, to make sure I didn't get into trouble. Grudgingly, they agreed.
As Edward had done before our first date, I went hunting with Alice the day before our trip into town, and hunted more than I normally would have. I felt so full I thought I would waddle.
Edward drove the truck down to the outskirts of town, then stopped and stuck his head out the window to test the direction of the wind. After he gauged the wind, he closed the window and drove through Healy to the other side. Once past the last of the buildings – and it wasn't that large of a town – he parked the truck.
"Are you ready?" he asked me. I nodded. Edward, Alice and Jasper got out first, testing the air, Alice testing the future. They gave me the okay and I opened the door. It was long after dark, about nine o'clock when most humans would be indoors. I sniffed and the air held only the aromatics of spruce, wood smoke from chimneys, wisps of motor oil from the cars in town, and a hint of garbage even though anything left outside would be frozen solid. But no human smell.
We stood around the truck for a while with the chill wind in our faces, and I wondered if maybe there was some kind of game on TV that was keeping the people indoors. People who lived in Alaska ought to be accustomed to the temperature at all times of the year and be able to go outside.
I was starting to think we should move to a different location when I heard a door slam. Then about a block away, two figures crossed the street, turned and started walking away from us. They were both male, judging by the profile of their hats and parkas. They took no notice of us as they talked, and the prevailing wind was still blowing in our direction.
"Edward, Jasper hold on to me," I said, a quaver in my voice. They took hold of my arms and we waited. A short while later the scent of human touched my nostrils. Instantly the burning ache filled my throat, like I'd swallowed a welding torch. I was completely full. I knew I couldn't swallow another mouthful, but the urge to follow the scent and hunt the humans down still rose in my mind. Closing my eyes and clenching my teeth together, I exhaled as hard as I could to push the scent back out and held my breath. I tried to think of a blank wall: there was nothing, no humans, nothing to follow. My fists clenched and my body began to shake with the effort of fighting the urge, fighting it, fighting it. Against my will, my right foot slid forward a step. In my mind the scent trail burned bright and clear, promising sweet relief from my torment. I felt the slight lightening in my left foot as it began to follow…so I gave up.
"Get me out of here!" The strangled cry hissed through my teeth.
Edward and Jasper hustled me back into the untainted air in the truck. Panting heavily, I collapsed back against the seat, trying to clear my head of the scent of human, purging myself of the urge to go feed.
"Sorry, everybody," I said when my breathing began to slow. "I was hoping I was further along than that."
"Oh, I don't know, Bella," came Alice's gentle soprano. "I think you did pretty well all things considered."
"It's only been a month and a half," Edward agreed. "You stood there and fought it for a long time. And when you gave up, you turned away. You couldn't have done that if you had no control at all. You could just as easily have fought yourself free to go hunt them down. The first time you scented a human, the hunting reaction was instant."
"You should be proud of yourself," Jasper remarked. "You'll get there."
"Thanks, you guys." I smiled shakily. "Thanks for taking care of me." I was a bit encouraged by their words, but unhappy that we were still trapped here by my bloodlust. It had been just over a month and a half but it seemed much longer now that I knew we would be here for the undetermined future. This was going to be one long winter.
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To be continued...
Well, that was rather long, but I hope you enjoyed it. As always, love to hear your thoughts!
