John hefted a sigh as he pulled his mug from the cabinet. He saw Sherlock inch forward out of the corner of his eye.
"You are upset," Sherlock said calmly.
"Ya think?" John snapped at him.
He gripped the counter in an effort to steady himself. Sherlock took a few more cautious steps forward. He gently touched his hand to John's shoulder. John sighed loudly again and turned his head to look at Sherlock. Sherlock's face was contorted in pain and confusion.
"What is causing you to be upset?" Sherlock questioned, his hand pressing urgently into John's shoulder.
"I love you!" John shouted, "That's what's making me so upset! I love you and you don't get it. Nor do you care! All you care about is experiments and solving crimes and pissing people off! Why did I even agree to let you do this? You don't care! It's ripping me up inside because all I know is you anymore. I don't even look at women Sherlock! I think is "Sherlock won't like that", "Sherlock wants milk" "I hope Sherlock plays the violin tonight" "Sherlock's going to need me to be up early for the case" "I hope Sherlock eats". Sherlock, Sherlock, Sherlock! It never ends! If it's not your well-being, it's how beautiful or incredibly smart you are! I dream about you, I accidently say your name when I'm talking to people. It's only you and that will probably last the rest of my life and all you care about is how long it will take for me to…do what I've wanted to do for a very, very long time.
"You don't care about me in any way that could really benefit me, besides that you need me to cover your arse. All you do is use and use and use and then when I get upset you get that look on your face like you had no idea that I could get upset. When the restaurant set on fire all I could think was "Are we going to have to stay because Sherlock thinks it's arson?" and I wondered why the hell I couldn't just have a nice little date with the man that I love. And I know why…because my love will never be powerful enough to stop all this craziness that our life is, even for an hour just so we can have a date. Because I'm not enough.
"You'll always need something to occupy your mind with and I'm not enough to occupy that wonderful brain of yours. Not even for an hour. Not even for five minutes, because I'm me and I'm nothing and you're you and you're wonderful and fast-paced and brilliant and I can hardly keep up. All I get is those moments when you slow down enough to see if I've still got your back or we've just finished a case and the adrenaline is coursing through you and you can just stop for two seconds.
"I'm just so confused. I don't understand why you're torturing me like this! You act like you might care for me more than just as friends, but the way you started this thing…I don't understand. I will never understand how you can just remove yourself and feel nothing! Because I feel everything! The only thing this stupid dating thing has done is made me even more worried that I will lose you or become even more like some dog that trails after you and does whatever you say no matter what happens. I just don't know…I'm just so…I can't take this!"
John dissolved into sobs, unable to control his spinning mind and overflowing emotions. Sherlock wrapped him in a bear hug and crushed him to his chest.
"It's-it's ok…" Sherlock said urgently, "I-I…it's ok…er, please, god, John, please stop! I don't know…I can't…I love you too!"
John jerked violently out of Sherlock's arms. He glared hard at Sherlock. Before he could fully react his fist reared back and slammed into Sherlock's porcelain face.
"Don't fucking lie to me!" John spat at the stunned man, wobbling before him, "You can't just say those words to calm me down!"
Tears burned angrily down his face as Sherlock trembled in front of him. Sherlock lowered his hand from his cheek and John's anger immediately dropped. Sherlock's face was already swelling slight and there was a clear fist print in a vivid red on his jaw. John could already tell how badly it was going bruise. He could practically see the mottled way Sherlock's face would look with the nasty yellow and purple bruise.
"Oh my god! Sherlock!" John cried, lurching forward, "I'm so sorry! Oh god, your face! You're beautiful face! Oh my god! It's awful!"
John staggered around Sherlock and flung open the freezer, quickly locating a frozen back of peas. He rushed forward, grabbing the hand towel on his way and wrapped the peas up. Fresh tears sprang into his eyes as he gingerly pressed the makeshift icepack to Sherlock's face. Sherlock stared at him intensely as tears streamed down his face and he adjusted the ice pack. A cool hand covered his that was holding the peas. He looked up at Sherlock who shook his head, looking confused.
"I don't understand," Sherlock stated simply.
John blinked heavily, trying to clear the tears from his eyes.
"You want to date me," Sherlock said, hesitantly, "But you do not want to under the circumstances that I placed it. You love me, but you do not like to hear me say that I love you. You are angry enough to hit me, but you still care for my injury. I do not understand you at all. You are very contradictory."
John swallowed the lump in his throat and looked away.
"It's just that…" he paused, searching for words, "I don't want to date you just because you want to have sex. And I don't want you to say you love me unless you mean it. And I will always care for your injuries no matter how pissed off I am. I'm your doctor."
Sherlock's face scrunched for a moment and then it cleared.
"Oh, I see," Sherlock said, his whole body visibly relaxing, "That makes so much more sense."
"Glad to hear it," John said, moving the peas to peek at the fist-sized redness on Sherlock's jaw.
"I should tell you something, John," Sherlock said, his voice hesitant again.
John looked back up to Sherlock's eyes, which were filled with anxiety.
"Please come and sit in the living room with me," Sherlock said quietly, gently taking the frozen peas from John.
John frowned as Sherlock turned and swept into the other room. He followed tentatively behind and settled on his chair across from Sherlock. The hand that was holding the packet of peas lowered to his lap and he fidgeted with it nervously. John watched Sherlock carefully as the other man stared at his lap. Then he gave a frustrated meow and ripped his hat from his head, flinging it across the room.
"Better," Sherlock sighed, his cat ears twitching about a bit.
"What did you need to tell me?" John questioned.
"John," Sherlock started, raising his eyes to lock them onto John's, "When I started asking you on dates, I wanted it to be an experiment, as you are probably aware. You are probably unaware as to what the experiment was actually to test. You most likely believe that I wanted to do this purely to have sexual intercourse with you."
He paused and looked back to his lap, sighing slightly. His head snapped up sharply and he scowled.
"Well, that isn't true."
Little note: I'm trying guys. Sorry. I know it's taking forever. I'm just a bit depressed at the moment. Anyway, I hope this chapter was good. Thank you all for your favorites, follows, and reviews!
