Chapter Five: Two Steps Forwards, One Step Back
Ginny Weasley, trapped in her flat, unable to go outside due to the dozens of reporters camped on her doorstep, was busy filling her day by staring into nothingness at her kitchen table and catching up on her foot dangling. The press had more been more than a little damning of her, and despite the fact that she was on every front page – at least of the papers and magazines that people actually read – there were still reporters desperate to talk to her. Ginny ignored them, they wouldn't give her side even if she did go out there. Everyone felt like they already had it. All the stories had come out in defence of Harry against the adulterous, selfish and treacherous witch he'd been engaged to. Even Harry wouldn't listen, not that that was something new. He'd shut himself away from everyone after it had happened and apparently was unable to talk to Ginny without shouting.
Ginny had never meant it to go like this, never wanted it to. After the war had ended she had hoped, dreamed even, that she would be able to live her happily ever after with Harry. But he hadn't been the Harry she had dreamt about spending the rest of her life with. He hadn't come back to her, not all of him, and the more Ginny spent time with him the more he had drifted away. The aurors had taken Harry from her. He'd given almost all of himself to the job and the rest didn't go to her.
The rest went instead to Teddy Lupin. He had been orphaned, born different to every other witch and wizard around him and with barely any family left to care for him. It was no wonder Harry saw so much of himself in Teddy. History had repeated itself. The only difference was that Harry had vowed never to be as absent as Sirius had had to be. That had left Ginny discarded. Alone in their house and waiting for the fairy tale that was never going to come.
Ginny knew now that should have left then and just have been honest with herself, with Harry. But she'd been angry and hurt, abandoned and forgotten, so instead of being honest she had gone into the arms of another. When Harry had found out, discovered Ginny with the man who actually made time for her, he hadn't bothered trying to figure out why she'd done it. All Harry had done, after beating Cormac half to death, was hide.
Part of Ginny wished she had been the one to go the press. At least then she would deserve all the hatred that was screaming off every front page. But she hadn't. Not really. Trying to drown her sorrows in far more wine than was good for her, Ginny had poured her heart out to the only person she could. Luna Lovegood, home from one of her many trips abroad, had heard almost everything. How Harry had come home, beaten Cormac black and blue and how Ginny had spent years waiting for him to come back to her. She had blamed everything on him. But pubs weren't exactly known for being secure places where no-one overheard anything and by morning her drunken tirade was splashed everywhere. The only reason Ginny hadn't said anything was because she knew how much it would hurt him. At that point that was all she wanted. To hurt him like he'd hurt her for all those years that he'd left her alone. Forgotten.
They'd always said her temper was going to get her in trouble, and as Ginny stared at the flock of owls perched and her window sill, she knew that it finally had. She needed to make things right but every time she saw him they just argued. Harry wasn't about to admit he'd been even slightly in the wrong and every time she clapped eyes on him it all flooding back. The memories. Ginny knew she had been stupid to think they were made for each other and that their problems were just like any other couple's. She had hoped that they'd work it out. Everyone had, they had all said it would last forever. Ginny would have laughed at them now. Nothing lasted that long. Everything had to end. Even Harry's silence had broken, and the press finally knew what she had been too ashamed to tell them. She was glad, in a way. It meant no more hiding, no more lies.
But that was the only good that had come from this. Ginny didn't even have Cormac now, he'd gone. So much for being the only man who would be there for her. Given all those promises he had made, it was amazing how they vanished when he was being made out to be as evil as she apparently was. At least, that was the gist Ginny had managed to get before she had thrown the paper away. There was only so much she could read about how vile she was before she wanted a change of subject.
It was at that moment there came a knock at the door. Hesitant at first, and then louder and louder again when she ignored it. Probably just Cormac forgetting something from when he'd left earlier or a stupid reporter that wanted to get her side of the story.
"Ginny?" came her brother's voice, muffled by the wood of the door. "You in there?"
"Ron?" Ginny yelled back before hurrying to the door, fumbling slightly for her wand before giving it a quick flick. The latch came free and then she was there opening the door. On the other side, his hair damp from rain that wasn't falling in London, stood Ron, a conflicted look on his face. Ron never had been very good at hiding his feelings.
"Hey,"
"Hi," he said, forcing a half smile. There was an awkward moment filled with the pointed hoots of the several owls perching on her window sill. "Can I come in?"
Ginny nodded and threw the door wide stepping back as she did so to let him in. Ron had only been in the flat a once and had nearly finished the job Harry had started when Cormac had been the one to answer the door. Since then she had barely seen Ron, or basically any other member of her family, as only her mother seemed willing to look past her mistake.
Ginny guided Ron through the kitchen and into the living room. He settled onto the sofa, melting slightly into the soft brown fabric. Ginny perched on the chair, throwing the set of dress robes she had left there onto the glass table in the middle of the room.
"So," Ron began, staring at an empty patch of floor before looking up at her. "Hermione told me what happened, last night. With Harry. She's, well, she's not very happy about it. I'm not exactly thrilled, either. I mean why drag it all up again, Ginny? They'd forgotten, people were moving on and Harry, I don't know about Harry."
"You haven't seen him?"
"I haven't spoken to him since it happened really," Ron hadn't spoken to Ginny much either because he had done what he always did when things like this happened: stayed well out of the way. It had been that or take a side, and whichever one he took he would have upset the other. So instead he inadvertently upset everyone. "I don't know when we're seeing him. Hermione wants to go and apologise again for…" He trailed off, going back to staring at the floor. "But we can't go until after tomorrow anyway, he's got an appointment with that Carnell woman."
"He actually went?" She knew it was protocol to go to those sessions, it had come in when Harry had just started as an auror. But the Harry she knew was hardly likely to talk to someone like Carnell about all his problems, especially when everyone was already talking about him.
"He had to," Ron said. "Davis wouldn't let him back otherwise. He hasn't got a choice, it was either that or sack him."
"Like he'd do that," Ginny scoffed.
"Exactly," there was another pause. Awkward and long. Painful. Ginny had known the risks when she had gotten involved with Harry, but that was back when she had thought it would never end. Then Ron frowned. "Where's McLaggen?"
"He's gone," Ginny said darkly. "Left before I got up, didn't even leave a note."
It wasn't that she had been surprised, not really. Ginny had known what a worm Cormac was, but she'd fooled herself into believing he had changed. There was good reason that Ron and Harry hated the spineless, treacherous bastard. First Seamus and Michael and now Cormac. Men, she quickly came to realise, she had used just to get Harry's attention. But this time it had been more than that. It had been her way of lashing out.
"Git," Ron commented bitterly. "Should have let Harry finish the job."
"I thought I loved him."
"And now?"
"Now? I'd rather marry Malfoy."
"It's a start, a gross one, but a start." Ron said grimacing at the mention of Malfoy and marriage. The absurdity of marrying the blonde snake made her laugh despite herself, the sudden image of her mother and father's faces if she ever bought Malfoy home swam to her mind. A smile cracked on Ron's face too. "It'd be worth it just to see mom kill him."
"Now that you mention it…" Ginny grinned.
"Not funny." Ron said, although his face betrayed him.
"I could have a green dress." Ron laughed shaking his head, still looking disgusted by the idea either of his sister marrying Malfoy or the fact he'd have to be his brother-in-law. She wasn't sure which he'd hate more. But when the laughter died away Ginny looked at him, really looked. In that moment it hit her just how much she had really missed Ron.
"Look, Ron, I'm sorry about this. All of it. It shouldn't have happened."
"But it did." Ron countered evenly.
"But it shouldn't have."
"Not the point," Ron said. He looked at her and somehow he seemed older, not the childish brother she had always known, immature to a fault. "I've never told you this, but you know when we were hunting the horcruxes? Well, there's no easy way to say this. We only had one of the stupid things and no way to destroy it, we had no plan, no food and we had to wear that thing and I… I left. I couldn't handle it. I'm not making excuses, I was an idiot but that thing it… it did things to me. It made me think things. Not good things."
He was silent for a moment. Staring. Lost in the past. Ginny felt her eyes go wide. Harry, Hermione, neither of them had ever said anything. Not once. Not that they really talked about it, but Ginny had always thought that they had been together. How could Ron just leave? He was a good man, brave, loyal. He wouldn't just leave. She only had to look at him to realise just how wrong she was.
Then his eyes fell back on her, the darkness in them fading, and he started again. "My point is, I screwed up. I let them down. It happens. What matters is that I went back. I apologised. I'm not going to say Harry's going to take you back or anything, but you should still do the same."
"Why? What good will it do?"
"More than if you didn't," Ron replied before getting to his feet. "I'd better get back, only got a short break. Just think about it, eh?" She nodded, walking him to the door. There was a hug, a small smile and then he was gone vanishing into thin air as soon as he crossed the threshold.
oOo
Harry hated waiting. It was like queuing but with less shoving and more staring aimlessly into space hoping something interesting would happen. Although, the chances of something from the category of interesting happening in a practically empty waiting room were not exactly high. He couldn't even distract himself with a newspaper or magazine without being greeted by huge photos of himself or Ginny. Ever since the damn ball Harry had been glad he lived in a house that was almost impossible to find unless you knew where it was. An inherent distrust of reporters meant that Harry had never been foolish enough to allow any of them within throwing distance.
Daphne on the other hand was having no such luck, although she had been quick to point out that they couldn't get passed the gates. They would give up eventually. The reporters had been desperate for information on Harry and had turned to the woman he had been seen leaving with from the ball. They would have had a field day if they had known he'd bought her home.
Harry had asked why and all the other invasive questions, but in all honesty he wasn't too sure himself. He knew he would have had to leave the Ministry with her if only to stop Hermione from fretting, but after that, why hadn't he just gone home alone? Maybe he had just been sick of it, going back to an empty house, night after night alone. Harry had enjoyed what little of her company he had shared in, but when it came down to it a part of him knew he just wanted a distraction. Something, anything to take his mind off Ginny. Daphne had been that. A way to block it out. But as the evening had gone on he had realised he just enjoyed talking to her, ex-Slytherin or not.
Had they met a few years ago there was no way Harry would have even spoken to her, let alone admitted that he liked her. There were some boundaries in Hogwarts you just didn't cross. Besides, the only Slytherin he had had any real contact with was Malfoy and he was not exactly the best way to represent a whole house. Quidditch hadn't made it any easier to like the Slytherins, as the team had always delighted in taking any opportunity to hex Harry and his teammates. Really, Harry had never stood much of a chance to like them. But it wasn't as if he had tried either.
He was torn from his thoughts when the door to Eliza's office opened and a man dressed in far too much tweed for Harry's liking stepped out. Strangely though he didn't even give Harry a second glance on his way to the door.
"Mr Williams is one of my muggle patients," Eliza explained when Harry had walked into her sanctum. "I thought you might appreciate it."
"You deal with muggles?" Harry asked taking off his jacket and folding it over the back of the chair she had prepared for him before he sat down. The auror in him couldn't stop asking questions. "What if they see anything?"
"I book them next to each other," Eliza replied taking her seat. "Then we close for lunch."
"And after that you stop dealing with muggles and deal with us."
"Exactly, unless I have someone like yourself who can be discreet, of course." Eliza said with one of her pretty smiles. Harry just smirked. People rarely ever called him discreet. If at all. Ever. Reckless, impulsive and far too short-tempered for his own liking, sure. But never discreet. "How are you feeling today?"
"Fine," Harry said initially, reflex kicking in knowing that if he told her she would just keep asking about Ginny. But then the rest of his brain caught up. She would know, of course she would. Everyone did. There was no point hiding it. Eliza wasn't stupid and it was splashed over all the papers. "I guess, I mean considering everything that happened. With Ginny."
"You guess?"
"I'm not really sure how I feel," he shrugged. "Relieved? Not that it was fun to see her again. It's just out there. What she did."
He hadn't read the Prophet but he knew what kind of a hatchet job they would be doing. A part of him, small but vindictive all the same, wanted her to suffer the way he had. But at the same time he still cared about her, he'd loved for Merlin's sake, seeing her in pain no matter what she had done was the last thing he wanted. It was why he hadn't said anything. Not that he wanted to be left alone like he had told Daphne.
"But she's going to have to go through what I did. All of it."
"You don't want that? You don't want to see her hurt like she hurt you?"
"No," Harry answered honestly.
"You still care about her?"
"In a way. It's not like a light switch you can't just turn it off when you feel like it."
"And that's why you don't understand," Eliza said, her smile long since faded away. "Because you still care you can't see why she would leave." He nodded. "Harry, this may be hard for you. But would mind telling me about her and your relationship? From the beginning if you can."
"It started really for her when we were kids," Harry began remembering how awkward she had been when he first saw her at the Burrow, star struck and haphazard. He never would have imagined that he'd have ended up nearly marrying her. From there he told Eliza everything, the way she hadn't been able to talk to him, even after he'd saved her from Riddle. Fifth year when she had started dated people, much to Ron's disapproval. He ever told her about seeing her again at the ball. All of it.
Eliza didn't interrupt, didn't ask him to stop so she could jot anything down, she just listened. Harry knew full well that if he hadn't run into Ginny the night before there wouldn't have been a chance he would have said anything. But he was tired of being confused. Lost. He needed answers. Answers that weren't just blaming him, anyway. He wasn't perfect but neither was Ginny, not by a long way.
"Harry, have you ever thought maybe she never stopped loving the hero she had heard about in all those bed time stories? When she started dating those boys I think she just trying to get you to notice her, think of her as more than your best friend's sister. It seems to me that you've always been that hero for her, saving her from the Chamber of Secrets, fighting dragons even killing Voldemort. But when she truly got to know you, I think she realised you weren't the man she told herself for so long that you were."
"So you're saying, what? She never loved me?"
"I'm saying she loved the idea of you," Eliza said almost sadly. "And that might be part of why, when she didn't see you as much as she might have liked, she felt abandoned because even when you were there you weren't the person she wanted. I'm not saying that's the whole reason why she felt like that. Not everybody can deal with living with an auror. It takes a toll, on both of you."
"You can say that again," Harry muttered darkly. As much as he loved being an auror there had been days where he couldn't even remember sleeping. Sleep, not being unconscious. Hunting Nott had done that to him. Late night shifts did too. Double shifts caused by a lack of recruits. Too many had been lost against Voldemort and there were no signs of people flooding in. But despite it all he loved it. Harry had always been the one who had to do what others couldn't, why not be paid for it he had reasoned. But it was more than that. He didn't want to carry on his life without it anymore. "But it's worth it. In the end."
Harry got through the rest of the meeting on autopilot, putting yes and no in all the right places. It was a skill he had developed when Hermione repeatedly went over her work in their N.E.W.T year. Her stress levels having hit sky high. He only shifted back into the conversation when he knew it was almost time to leave, ready to book another appointment. It didn't take a genius to realise that Eliza had noticed, but she didn't press the issue. His mind was too busy thinking about what she had said to care if she did anyway. Ginny. What if Eliza was right? The more he thought about it, the more her words made sense. Ginny had never gotten over her schoolgirl crush. Dean. Michael. Had they just been a way to get him to notice her?
Harry was only mildly aware of leaving Eliza's office. He didn't bother going home straight away. The train going round his head couldn't stop. Everything was changing. He went over it all. Analysing everything. The jealousy he'd felt in Sixth Year, finding her again after the battle, asking her to marry him. All that time. Everything. Ginny had never loved him, but the idea of him. Convinced herself that he was this hero, Harry Potter the legend. Not the man. Maybe Ginny thought she had cared about him, but if she really had, then why hadn't she done something? Told him she couldn't take living with an auror. Anything else. But she hadn't, she'd left. Harry felt dull. He had no idea where his feet were taking him, and didn't really care.
He vaguely registered arriving home, fumbling with his wand, tapping the door. He wasn't too sure where he threw his jacket, it landed somewhere to his left when the door had slammed shut. Everything went silent. Drained he slumped against the wall, sliding down. The anger would come. He could already feel it dimly, bubbling under the surface. But other than that he felt dull. Empty.
"So," he heard himself say to the empty house, his voice barren. Dead. "Now what?"
