AN: Hope you all like this, just wanted to say thank you everyone for all your reviews. Really appreciate the support and love for this story!

Chapter Thirteen: Back to Work

The week before his birthday celebration passed relatively quickly for Harry. Despite not being back at work, he had come to enjoy the freedom that time off gave him. Not only was his life no longer under constant danger, he could also see who he wanted and do as he pleased. It made for a nice change from having to cancel on everyone he loved and cared for because of the job. Ginny had been right about one thing, he had never been there. His engagement had fallen apart before his eyes and he had been too busy to notice. The thought of Ginny always made his stomach twist with regret and guilt, mixed only with a hint of anger. Why was it always a mixture? Harry asked himself as he sat staring at the plain and supposedly soothing tones of Eliza's waiting room.

A few months ago the wait would have upset him, made him question why the hell he was there and become ever more upset and annoyed at the Ministry for forcing him to jump through all those hoops. Over time, he'd come to appreciate how the therapy sessions had helped, more than he cared to admit and not in the way which he had first imagined. To begin with they had simply been a means to an end, a way for Harry to get back to his job and ignore the pain that tore his heart apart. But the longer he went and the more he spoke about and opened up to Eliza, telling her things he had never dreamed he would share with anyone, the more the end he was searching for became hazier. Harry was no longer desperate to return to the field, to ignore his past and the pain which haunted him. Those desires were gone, leaving only uncertainty and confusion in their wake.

A sudden movement attracted his eye, pulling his gaze from the wall before him and instead focusing it on the door to Eliza's office. Harry did his best not to stare at the couple that left there, more than aware himself how it felt to be gawked at, judged. Instead Harry got to his feet and busied himself with fastening his jacket, attempting to give the couple their privacy as best he could. Harry only moved when he heard the voice of Eliza's receptionist, taking that as his cue to enter the office.

"Good afternoon, Harry," Eliza greeted, a small, gentle and practiced smile pulling at her lips. Over the last few weeks Harry had come to realise that Eliza's face only ever betrayed what she wanted it to, often it exuded calmness, reassurance and above all it lacked judgement. Everything which Harry had told her, secrets, memories, even some of his insecurities had been greeted with understanding and patience. Initially he had seen it as some kind of technique, a way for her to get him on her side. But the longer Harry spent with her the more he didn't care if it was or wasn't, because either way Eliza wanted to help him rather than simply viewing him as a name on a sheet, a person to process and send on their way. It was part of why he hadn't returned to work. It wasn't because he wasn't fit, it was because the sessions helped him process the memories or a war and a childhood he had long since repressed.

"How are you today?" Eliza asked when Harry repeated the greeting and unbuttoned his jacket, throwing it over the back of the chair before he sat down.

"Good thanks," Harry replied honestly, "How about you? Busy day?"

"I'm fine, thank you for asking," Eliza answered, taking her own seat and crossing one leg over the other. The notebook she may have used for other patients lay unopened on the arm of her chair; a symbol of the trust they had built up. "As for my day, well, I'll let you know by the end."

"That bad, huh?"

"I've got a St. Mungo's inspector coming down to assess my progress," Eliza explained, "These sessions may be mandatory for aurors like yourself, but there are still those who are a little suspicious. But that is enough about me, today Harry, I would like to talk about your work, if that is alright?"

"Sure," Harry shrugged, settling down into his chair as he did, doing his best to relax.

"Would you mind telling me why you joined the aurors?" Eliza began, her voice light and calm. There was no pressure in it, no obvious need for Harry to talk. He knew from experience that this wasn't an act. There had been times and one specific memory which Harry had constantly avoided talking about, putting it off and off and whenever he had Eliza had never pressed him, simply moving onto another topic instead. Harry knew it was stupid, that he should talk about it. But he couldn't, even after all these years. He just didn't have the words. Nothing could do it justice or express the loss and the pain that he felt. Nothing. There would be enough words to tell her how much he missed the parents he never had and the anguish he felt whenever the memory the Dementors had forced on him resurfaced.

"I don't know really," Harry answered honestly after a moment. "I guess it first started when Mad-Eye, well Barty Crouch Junior really, said that I'd make a good one. After that I never really even thought about anything else."

"Do you enjoy it?" Eliza probed delicately.

Harry didn't answer immediately, his original answer dying on his lips as instead of just saying that he did, he really thought about the question. Did he enjoy it? Enjoy wasn't the right word. It was his job, and a dirty one at that. He'd lost Ginny, the Weasleys, the only family he'd ever known and for what? A job. But someone had to do it, it was a necessary evil. Dark wizards couldn't be allowed to roam free. Harry knew first-hand what they could do to people, the lives they could ruin. Someone had to step up and stop them. After the war, Harry had thrown himself into his work, protecting people and avoiding a pain which he knew would never heal. No-one understood, they always he'd just time, but how much time? The war had taken almost everything from him: his parents, Sirius, Remus. Everyone had moved on but him. Hermione, Ron, even Ginny. All of them. Sure, the war had ended but he hadn't stopped fighting, he'd just moved to the next one.

"I don't know," Harry began, "But someone's got to do it. I guess I'd just gotten used to that person always being me. And I know that's stupid, it's not a reason. But what I do it's important. The things I've seen, what people can be capable of, they can't be allowed to get away with it."

"Why is that, Harry?"

"Because I know what that's like, to have your life torn apart before you've even started living it. Days that should have been and never were. A future that never got lived. I had that taken from me, I didn't get a choice, no-one asked. You have no idea what that is like. None! And you're never going to." Harry paused for a moment, trying to keep his emotions in check. "But just because I had to live that life, it doesn't mean that anyone else has to."

"And being an auror is a way for you to ensure that," Eliza finished, it wasn't a question, rather a statement. He nodded anyway, confirming what she already knew. "Do you miss it?"

"What?"

"Your job," Eliza clarified, "do you miss it?"

"No," Harry answered after a long moment. It was true, he didn't miss it. The weeks after Ginny had left he tried to convince himself that he did, that if he could just get back into his work then everything would fix itself. But that wasn't true. The weeks, months that Eliza had forced him to have off of work had made him realise that. Instead of bemoaning missing his job, desperate to return, Harry had found himself enjoying his newfound free time. It allowed him more time to see Teddy, occasionally picking him up after school, as well seeing Ron and Hermione but most of all Daphne. It had taken Harry a long time to admit it to himself, perhaps longer than it should have done, but he truly loved the time that he spent with Daphne. It wasn't that he didn't look forward to seeing Ron or Hermione or anything like that, but it was somehow different with Daphne. Harry couldn't quite explain it, but what he did know was that he was always excited to see her, be it for five minutes or five hours. He enjoyed every minute he spent with her.

But if he went back to being an auror, to night-shifts, early mornings and the times where he could never return home as the case demanded all of his attention, then everything that Harry had come to love about his life would be gone. Being an auror wasn't just a job, it was a calling, it meant put everything else on hold and sacrificing more. In the beginning Harry had simply accepted that and drifted apart from his friends and simply thinking that they had just moved on with their lives as people did. Even Ginny leaving hadn't caused him to waver. But meeting Daphne, reconnecting with his friends and the people he loved, Harry had realised just much he had had to lose. He wasn't sure if he could give it up again.

"I like what I've got now," Harry continued, "Being an auror...it's all-consuming. You don't get to have a life, it's just how it is and thought I was juggling it fine, but even when I wasn't, somehow it didn't matter. I didn't mind. It felt right."

"And now?"

"Now? Now I'm not so sure," Harry answered. Being an auror still meant an incredible amount to him. It was a duty, his duty. After all the pain and all the torment that he had been through, the only way he'd been able to cope was promising himself that no-one else would have to suffer like he did. Not on his watch. It was a fire that had burned long and bright inside of him, but like every fire that burnt too bright it could so long. The toll had been crippling. Only now, after weeks, months of not being able to go back, Harry had been forced to see just what that duty had made him lose.

"Why?" Eliza asked, probing gently.

"Back then I was… hiding," Harry admitted, "Everyone just seemed to be getting on with their lives, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, everyone. And I… I couldn't. So I kept on fighting, I poured everything I had into it. Everything. Even when that wasn't enough. I've been fighting for so long, being that person, the man that everyone turns to, relies on. I didn't want to be. I never wanted to be. But I had to. All my life, whenever anything's gone wrong people have looked at me for answers. Ask Harry, he'll know what to do. After so long, I just, I couldn't be anything else. I didn't know how to. So kept on fighting, I kept on playing the hero.

"But being an auror, it wasn't just about that. It was, is, important. What they do, what they stand for. It's just, all this time off, it's made me think. I'm not sure if I can be the man that they need me to be anymore. They need you to give everything. Before, I don't know, that was okay. I hadn't had time to stop or think, I just went straight into it. But now, I've had time to think, and somehow this time it feels like I'd be giving up a new life to go back to my old one."

"I'm not going to lie to you, Harry," Eliza began leaning forward ever so slightly, her eyes fixing his. "That was exactly why I wanted to give you as much time as possible before broaching this subject. When you first came here, I saw a man who wanted to leap without thinking straight back into his work and use it as nothing more than a distraction. As you opened up to me about Ginny and what happened, it became clear that some of that was due to your work. I had hoped that with time you would understand the full extent what that life had done to you, and whether you actually wanted it back."

"I don't know," Harry admitted. It felt strange to be saying it out loud, as if he was finally admitting it to himself. He had tried his utmost not to think about it, ignoring the issue. Just like he always did. "I mean, it's important, being an auror. I don't think I can just walk away from it."

"But?" Eliza prompted when he didn't continue.

"But I don't want that life anymore," Harry answered, "The time you made me take - it's helped. Well, that and everything that's gone on. Before, I just wanted to go back. I didn't have a life, so it didn't bother me giving one up again. But now, I mean I've fixed things with Ron, I get to see Teddy more and it's great being able to see Daph so much. I guess, that's what started it. Meeting her. Somehow, I don't know, it feels like she's been the whole reason for this massive change."

"How so?"

"It was kind of small stuff at first," Harry explained, "just being able to see someone, anyone. Sure I still saw Teddy and Andromeda, but that was always at the end of the day and it started to feel like all I was doing was waiting around for that. Ron wasn't talking to me, I can't really blame him. I hated it. But I got it. He couldn't choose between me and her. And Hermione, well, she was always so busy. Still is. I guess, I felt alone. But then I met Daphne and she was just… different. For one thing she didn't judge me. Everyone else at the stupid party had. But not her. Not once. After that, I stopped hiding. I started talking to Ron and Hermione again, I even went to Malfoy's wedding."

He paused for a moment, the realisation of what his words meant hitting him like a bludger.

"She gave me a life to lose," Harry finished, his voice barely above a whisper. A sudden rush of confused emotions threatened to overcome him as he stared blankly at the far wall. The ghost of a smile pulled at his lips as the sudden of epiphany of just what Daphne had done for him crashed over him. Instead of being a recluse, shutting out the world that had caused him so much pain and heartbreak; Harry had branched out, rekindled the fires of his life. All because Daphne had taken a chance on him when Harry had least expected anyone to. In that moment, Harry knew that he had never been more grateful for what she had done.

"There are other alternatives," Eliza said, dragging Harry from his reverie. "You could take another career choice, or even change the role which you occupy now. There are other ways to help the aurors, Harry. You don't simply have to reassume the work which you did before. The choice, of course, is yours and I would never tell you what to do. But my advice, as your healer and as someone who wants only the best for you, would be to consider exactly what it is you need before you make any kind of choice."

Harry nodded, letting her words sink in. A few months ago, he would have ignored them and simply convinced himself that what he needed was work. But that felt like another lifetime, belonging to a man he barely recognised. The choice was no longer so black and white, but instead the grey had been allowed to seep in. While Harry could never truly walk away from the auror department, he knew that the life it forced him to lead was not healthy. It had been a sacrifice. Just like everything else in his life. He had carried on fighting, never considering the consequences. But perhaps it was time to stop fighting, and time to start living.

oOo

The Ministry was just like Harry remembered. Busy, filled with life and occasionally smelling of coffee as people on long shifts pushed past him. Unsurprisingly and rather annoyingly, instead of simply being able to walk in unnoticed, Harry had been forced to endure several pointed stares and sideways glances as he made his way to the Department of Magical Law Enforcement. Even when he had arrived there, the furtive looks remained, although for starkly different reasons. In the rest of the Ministry eyes were attracted to Harry because of his fame, whereas the men and women of his old department found themselves drawn to him because of his long absence and just what his reappearance might mean.

"I'd like to Mister Davis, please," Harry announced when he had approached the desk outside of Michael Davis's office. The desk was circular in shape, various stacks of paper piled in neat, carefully arranged stacks. Everything about it was organised. Even the quills were laid out in size order. Nelson Gibson, the junior assistant that Davis had drafted in to deal with the paperwork which flooded into his office every day, was anally-retentive to the extreme. It was why Davis had chosen him, Nelson thrived in the land of paperwork. Davis hated it and was more than happy to offload it, allowing him a slightly more hands on approach to dealing with the department than any other Department Head in the Ministry could have.

"Do you have an appointment?" Nelson Gibson asked in a slightly snappy tone from the centre of his desk, not looking up from the mundane-looking form which he was reading.

"No, but I'm pretty sure I won't need one," Harry said as Nelson pushed up his horn-rimmed glasses, as they were sliding down his nose slightly.

"Well, in that case I'm afraid you're going to have to -" Nelson started as he filled away the form he had been reading before looking up to see who had spoken. He stopped as soon as his grey eyes landed on Harry. The speed with which he shot to his feet almost dislodged the raven-feather quill from its inkwell. "I'm sorry, Mister Potter, I didn't realise that it was you. I'll just go and check if he is available, please, take a seat."

The floppy haired assistant then quickly hurried through the double door which were just behind his desk. Harry didn't bother with the row of chairs which sat invitingly against the wall. Instead he remained standing, idly checking his watch but taking no notice of the time. It was just to give him something to do, busy his hands, his mind. Harry had been thinking about this moment on and off for months, wondering what would happen, what he would say. His breathing quickened, a small, tight knot yanked at the pit of his stomach.

Suddenly the doors were pulled open again, Nelson reappeared and informed him that Davis was ready to see him. A brief smile flashed across his pinched features when all Harry could manage was a slightly curt nod. This was it. A small and all too familiar knot pulled at his stomach. He almost laughed, after everything he had faced, all the killers, would-be dark lords and even real ones, Harry was actually nervous to face his boss.

The office was just as Harry remembered it. Sunlight filtered in from the high window behind Davis's long, oak desk. Just another impossibility which magic made flesh. The desk itself was piled high with various stacks of paperwork that Nelson had either sent to Davis for confirmation or that had slipped through his highly efficient net. Either way, the papers made for a chaotic, and yet somehow, organised mess upon Davis's desk. A mess which always managed to mysteriously disappear as soon as anyone important appeared.

"Potter," Davis said, a touch of familiarity to the voice which had managed to terrify every recruit Harry knew. There was no smile, no overly happy greeting. He was an auror, after all. The last of the old guard, Davis had been there for it both wars, one as a recruit, the other as nothing short of a hero. Many of the old aurors had quit on the spot as soon as Voldemort's regime had taken over, fearing for themselves and their families. But Davis had stayed, continued to serve and refused to let his principles be compromised by the rule of a madman. Under Davis' watch muggleborns had mysteriously vanished from cells and the law had continued to mean something. While Harry and the Order had taken all of the headlines, fame had glossed over men like Davis who had carried on in the face of the impossible.

"Sir," Harry replied as Davis got to his feet and extended a hand.

"Good to see you," Davis commented as he took Harry's hand firmly in that same, harsh voice which reminded Harry of Mad-Eye. Unlike Mad-Eye, Davis' body hadn't taken the brunt of his punishment. To the natural observer, he looked like a perfectly ordinary middle-aged man, albeit a well-built version. His black hair receded, the side flecked with grey and hints of white. His face was slightly wrinkled, lined with age and experiences that most men would rather forget.

"Take a seat," Davis said gesturing to the chair which faced his desk. It was rickety, not cushioned and Harry was convinced that Davis had manually shortened one of the legs so that nobody could ever achieve anything which resembled comfort. But that, Harry knew, was the point. Most of the people who entered Daves' office didn't do so by choice, either they were facing his wrath or they were inspecting his work. For either one, Davis wanted the upper-hand.

"So, Carnell tells me that you're fit for duty," Davis continued, neglecting any further small talk as he always did. He was not a man of words.

"Yes sir," Harry confirmed. "Although, I'd like to make a request."

"Go on," Davis nodded leaning back slightly on his chair as his dark eyes pierced Harry's.

"I don't want to be reinstated to my old position," Harry said, a little quicker than he meant to, tripping over the words as the cascaded from his mouth. "I'd like to take a position in the academy, if that's possible?"

"Why the change of heart?" Davis asked. "You've never shown an interest in academy positions before. Why now?"

"Because this life isn't for everyone, sir," Harry answered, "The last few months have made me realise what else is out there. With all due respect sir, I don't think that I can give it up this time."

Left unsaid was just what Harry had given up the first time, the hours that he'd pumped into his work and the commitment he had given to the auror department. It didn't need to be said. Davis knew just how much he had done for them. But he also knew just what had happened because of it. Anyone who'd known Harry then could have seen it. Work had overtaken him, consumed him. But if he went back, Harry knew that it would happen again. He wouldn't mean for it to, he'd try and fight just like he had before. He was just as much a part of the problem as the job itself was.

"I won't lie, Potter, I'm disappointed. You're a damn fine auror and I hoped that you would carry on being one. But I'm only going to ask this once, have you really thought about this? What it means? Because if you do this, Potter and there's no turning back. I can't have you changing your mind once you go through with it."

"Yes sir," Harry nodded, "Eliza suggested that maybe I go somewhere else; do something else. But I couldn't turn my back on this. What we do, it's important. But at the same time, I can't go back to how it was."

"The academy isn't a soft option, Potter. If that's what you're looking for you're going to be in for a shock." Davis warned him.

"I know that, sir. But at least there I'll be able to have a life outside of this."

"If that's what you want, then I won't stand in your way," Davis said solemnly. "I could mind you, I could refuse this, make you go back. I'm well within my rights, you know we're struggling for aurors as it is. But I won't. If this is what you want, then I won't stop you."

"Thank you, sir," Harry had been expecting more of a fight than this. An argument at least. Davis was run thin for aurors, no-one wanted to join up. The war might be over, but the total decimation of the aurors had left a fear which would take years to fade. Harry couldn't help but wonder why Davis had been so accepting. The man who recruits feared and experienced aurors respected. There was an awkward moment of silence, neither man saying anything. But just as Harry was about to ask if he could leave, Davis spoke.

"I was in your position once," Davis told Harry, his eyes going dark with the memory of his words. His voice was filled with a pain which Harry recognised all too well. A pain born of guilt and regret and being unable to change was had long since gone by. "Overworked, underpaid and trying to keep everything together. Except I had a family. A wife who missed me and a daughter who never saw me. I did my best, but as you know, sometimes that isn't enough. I went to my superiors, but they wouldn't help me, claimed we were stretched too thin thanks to the war. It is the single biggest regret of my life and I have spent the rest of my life trying to fix it. I can't in good conscience do the same to you."

A long silence pulled out between the two men, Davis's fixed on Harry but they weren't really seeing him. Davis was remembering the times gone by, the days he had missed and could never get back. Harry wanted to say something, anything to help the man who had helped him his through his first few weeks, the man who had shown him what it was to be an auror. But there was nothing, no words came. Harry could only imagine what Davis had been through. But then, as quickly as the confession had started Davis pulled himself away from the memories, his focusing back on Harry and whatever door he trapped the pain behind in his mind slamming shut. Occlumency training, as Harry had come to realise when he had trained as an auror, could be used for more than shutting out your enemies.

"Have the rest of the week off, you report to Charlotte Matthews Monday morning."

Knowing a sign to leave when he saw one, Harry got to his feet and headed for the door. It was only when he was there that he turned back to look at Davis, but the head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement refused to meet his gaze, instead busying himself with notes and papers. Any sense of happiness which may have claimed Harry's thoughts were banished as he looked at Davis. But there was nothing he could do, Davis had to forgive himself before anyone else could and nothing Harry could say would make him see that.