NYLON ~ 70 ~ NO PRESSURE

Hanna settled onto the noisy red leather couch across from Paige who sat on a canvas armchair. Hanna searched for a comfortable place to put her bag while Paige flipped through her notepad and obnoxiously clicked her pen.

"So," Paige smiled at her. "What did you want to talk about?"

"Sorry," Hanna shuffled. "I'm a little nervous."

"Don't be," Paige told her. "This is off the books. We're just talking."

"Okay," Hanna took a deep breath. "Caleb brought up having more kids and...I'm not sure that's what I want."

"Did you and Caleb talk about kids before?" Paige asked her.

"That's the thing," Hanna explained. "We've never had the change. JT wasn't planned, necessarily, but we love him and we worked things out. Then we got married and all of a sudden Caleb springs this on me."

"Well," Paige paused, "what is it about more children that concerns you?"

"After I had JT," Hanna continued, "I was in such a weird state. I buried myself in being a mom and I completely ignored Caleb. We broke up and I almost ruined any chance of us getting back together. I'm scared that if we have another child it will tear us apart forever."

"Can you describe your feelings when JT was born?" Paige asked her.

"I don't know," Hanna sighed. "I was happy, so happy to be a mom, but something was off with Caleb. He was as caring and sweet as ever but nothing he did was to my liking. Everything about him irritated me and he kept pushing this wedding which I didn't care anything about. I wanted the wedding to be over. I wanted to be married to Caleb with our little boy because that's the life I was supposed to have at twenty-six. I thought everything would work out perfectly and when it didn't I was a mess."

"It seems like you were struggling with post-partum depression," Paige explained.

"What's that?" Hanna was confused. "I mean, I've heard the name but I don't know what it means."

"It's difficult to explain," Paige continued, "because the causes and symptoms vary greatly. Essentially, during and after pregnancy, your mind and body experience a lot of changes. It's stressful and scary which can lead to all sorts of mood swings. It's completely normal and treatable if you are able to identify the symptoms."

"So I was just depressed?" Hanna asked.

"Essentially yes," Paige told her. "But it was due to the increased hormones and changes your body was going through. Your mental state was directly attributed to the birth of your son and I'm fairly certain that is where your fear of having children comes from. In fact, I suspect you may have lingering post-traumatic stress disorder from the ordeal."

"Okay," Hanna paused, "but where do I go from here?"

"I think it would be beneficial to get to the root of your feelings about future children," Paige told her. "If you genuinely don't want children, that's one thing, but if your fears are holding you back, there's a way to work through that."

"Thank you," Hanna smiled. "You're amazing."

"You're welcome," Paige told her. "I'm glad I could help."

"Wow," Hanna mouthed as every aspect of her life came together, finally making sense.

She thought about the time after JT was born when she had become so dedicated to being a mother, so obsessive, that she let everything and everyone fall by the wayside. It was biological she finally realized. She was trying to protect her baby and it made her a little neurotic.


After spending the entire drive home reflecting on the past, Hanna finally reached her apartment. The door opened and she dropped her purse on the console table before making her way to the bedroom. She sat down on top of the covers and considered Paige's analysis. Right now she needed to focus on what was best for JT's sake but her thoughts were soon interrupted by a knock on the door.

"Hey," Caleb smiled. "Why the long face?"

"Just thinking," Hanna replied.

"Can I ask what about?" he inquired.

"I talked to Paige," Hanna explained, "and I think I owe you an apology."

"What for?" he asked taking a seat next to her.

"For being unbearable," she told him, "right after JT was born. Paige helped me realize that my hormones threw me out of whack. I took it out on you and it wasn't fair, so I'm sorry."

"It's okay," Caleb told her. "We're past that now."

"Are we?" she asked him. "Isn't that the basis of this whole baby argument?"

"I don't know, Hanna," he sighed. "I was being selfish. I didn't think about all of the sacrifices you have to make."

"Can we agree to keep the past behind us?" Hanna pleaded. "When I'm ready for another baby I'll let you know."

"Okay," Caleb kissed her forehead. "That ball's in your court."

"Oh great," Hanna laughed. "No pressure."

UP NEXT ~ DONG PO

Hanna cooks Caleb's favorite dinner to butter him up before dropping a bomb on him.