A/N: I highly recommend a reread of Chapter 16 ("Fear") before you read this. I know it's been a while since that chapter was posted. Enjoy!
Genre: Family
Author: hotchityhotchhotch
It was a month after the attack in the haunted asylum, a month after the injury, a month after the so-called successful surgery, but Hotch's chest still ached after a long day. At least when the soreness struck him, he was taken back to that night, trapped beneath the rubble with Emily, the two of them finding a reason to kiss one another in the middle of such a horrific scene. It hadn't been their first time. They seemed to be masters at it. But, as he remembered—and Emily had remembered as well, apparently, as she'd tried to act completely normally around him ever since—they had also both perfected the art of hurting each other.
He had decided in the intervening time that he wanted a fresh start with Emily, whether or not it was appropriate given their work relationship or given his recent divorce and still fresh single fatherhood.
After dodging Morgan's questions about whether he was really ready to be back given how obvious his pain was at times, Hotch stepped carefully down the steps off the jet. It was a Saturday evening and they had just gotten back from a case. Haley had Jack at the house and would probably insist on just keeping him for the rest of the weekend and offering for Hotch to have him another night, but that wasn't what Hotch wanted. He hadn't seen his son in a week, and given how young Jack was, every day Hotch missed seemed to contain some new milestone.
"Going to pick up Jack?" Emily inquired casually while everyone loaded their bags into the back of a Suburban.
"Yeah, I think so." Hit suddenly with the idea, Hotch didn't think before asking, "Do you think you might…want to come over and meet him?"
Emily froze in her footsteps. Luckily, Hotch had asked his question quietly and no one else had been nearby to hear it. "Oh—really? Are you sure?"
"Really," Hotch said with a dry mouth. "Would that make you uncomfortable?"
"Umm, no, I'm just—" Emily stopped when JJ approached them with her last bag. "Just glad that poor old woman was okay," Emily said. JJ raised her eyebrow and got into the SUV. Their opportunity for a private conversation now vanished, Emily merely made sure she had eye contact with Hotch and gave him a short nod and smile.
—
"Come on, buddy, let's go answer the door," Emily heard from out in the hallway of Hotch's apartment building. "Someone special is here to meet you."
The little boy, not quite a year and a half, uttered some baby gibberish and greeted her with his fingers in his mouth as he sat in his father's arms.
"Hey," Hotch said with cheer. "Come on in, make yourself comfortable."
"Hi there," Emily said more to Jack than to Hotch, her voice two octaves higher than normal. "You are even cuter than in your pictures. Seriously," she said, now to Hotch, "he's adorable. What big, beautiful eyes."
"Those big beautiful eyes let him get away with murder," Hotch said with a chuckle. "Can you say hi to Emily, Jack?" The boy shook his head and tried to squeeze his way free of his father's grasp. Hotch sighed and put him down on the floor. "Sorry."
"Oh, that's okay. I'll get him to like me before I leave."
Hotch grinned. "Pizza's on the counter. You still like supreme?"
"Sounds perfect, thanks. I don't get a tour first, though?" Emily said playfully.
Hotch held two plates in midair. "Ah, of course. Didn't even think about that. Follow me." He led her over the baby gate, which was easier than releasing it, and took Jack with him. "You'll have to excuse the mess. I wasn't planning on company."
"Especially not company that demands to see every room in the apartment, right?" Emily said, accidentally brushing her hand against Hotch's leg in the tight hallway and not feeling all that badly about it.
"Right. Bathroom's right here if you need it…and this is Jack's room. Like I said, excuse the mess."
Emily had to laugh. Maybe five toys were out of place and some folded laundry had yet to be put away, but Jack's crib was neatly made. "Relax, it looks fine," she said.
"That makes me feel better, because my room's cleaner," Hotch said, pushing his bedroom door open. The crisply made bed screamed for him to take someone else to it one of these nights, and at that thought he reflexively turned to Emily only to find her staring at him.
Bashfully she turned away and crossed her arms. "Nice place you've got here. Upgrade from the last place of yours that I saw."
Hotch remembered them sleeping together in his hot, muggy, empty apartment the night before he'd left for Seattle. The night before he'd walked out of her life for thirteen years. That night had been the subject of his fantasizing and regret for quite some time, both following the breakup and lately, once Emily had popped back into his life. "Am I the only one who has a love-hate relationship with that night?" he said, again before a proper thought could inhibit him.
"Definitely not. I know perfectly well what you mean," Emily said. She dished up pizza for both of them in the kitchen.
"Maybe we should…try and clear the air."
"Thirteen-year-old air has a way of clearing itself," Emily said dismissively. "At least I hope so. If I remember correctly, I said some pretty hurtful things."
"As did I," Hotch said, setting Jack down in his highchair and beginning to pull apart a piece of pizza he'd put in the fridge to chill. "I just feel like we've been kind of avoiding each other in that way lately. After what happened in the asylum, I thought maybe we were ready to…"
"Pick up where we left off?" Emily asked.
"Yeah, I guess. Though where we left off wasn't a very nice place and was as ill-defined as where we are now."
A single laugh escaped Emily's lips as a laugh. "Exactly. Let's just…nullify that night all those years ago."
Hotch kissed his son on the forehead and watched him feed himself. "Nullify all of it?"
"Yes," Emily said, taking Hotch aback. "All of it. The fighting, the yelling, the se—sleeping together," she said furtively, even though Jack was far too young to understand what they were talking about.
"Even that? I won't lie, that kind of took me by surprise," Hotch admitted.
"I feel like you want us to have another chance. Am I right?" Emily said bravely.
Hotch swallowed. "Yes. Despite our work—"
"Let's put all that aside right now. All I'm trying to say is that if we open ourselves up to the idea of us again, we have to start over. Or at least pick things up when we were just friends that summer, before we ever even kissed. If we go into this with that last night on our minds, I know all I'm going to want to do is something that isn't good for forging a real relationship."
Hotch's heart fluttered wildly. "So you want a relationship?"
"Why wouldn't I?"
"I guess I just can't let go of what you said that night. I'm stuck in this mindset where I'm only good for one thing."
Emily almost fell apart. "Hotch, really, I didn't mean those things. If the circumstances had been slightly different—maybe if I hadn't found out about Seattle by accident, and it had been a decision we'd made together—which I know is silly because we weren't together, so I had no right to expect that kind of say—anyway, I…sometimes really wish I would've said 'To hell with it' and gone with you. I can't tell you how many times I've wondered what our lives would be like had I gone with you."
His dinner completely forgotten now, Hotch locked eyes with Emily. "I thought you'd never do that for a guy. Give up your job."
"Well, not just any guy…but what you and I had felt so much more special than just a summer fooling around. Even before we actually fooled around. If I hadn't been so angry and confused and a whole slew of things for which I don't blame you, then I would've been able to see straight. I'm so sorry for what I said."
Hotch had never expected his invitation for pizza to result in a conversation quite like this. "It was in the heat of the moment."
"That doesn't make it okay. And there was one thing I didn't say to you that was particularly inexcusable given the fact that it was in the heat of the moment. I…I did love you, and I should've said it back instead of flipping out at you. You put yourself out there like that and instead of being honest, I was horrible to you. Maybe if I hadn't been so hotheaded, I would've been able to say it back and that's what could've made the difference. I'm sorry. But I did love you. I don't know if that makes anything better," she said, realizing how sweaty her palms here, "but I did."
Never had the past tense caused Hotch so much pain. He knew better than to ask if she still loved him. Asking such a question would certainly be starting off at the wrong place.
"I really want us to have a chance, too. You're not the only one who wants that," Emily said, her hand creeping toward his on the table. "But if we give it a shot, then we need to do things right. We're not kids anymore. And it's not just us anymore," she said with a meaningful glance toward Jack.
Hotch tucked in his lips and covered Emily's hand easily with his own. "You're right. We should be more responsible. So I take it you don't mind dating a divorcee with a kid?"
"Of course not," Emily said with an easy laugh.
"What about your own…family plans? Do you have any?"
"Wow, this conversation is moving along fast, but it's okay," Emily said hastily. "When these variables are involved, it's smart to talk about it before anyone gets too attached. Anyway, I…hope to have at least one child of my own someday, though I don't know if that's in the cards anymore given time and career constraints. Now to make you uncomfortable—would you be open to having more children?"
Hotch looked to Jack, only to find him slumped drowsily over his half-eaten dinner. "Definitely open to that. What about work, though? You said you wanted to be responsible." He released the tray from Jack's highchair and removed him with expert care, bringing him to his chest.
"Well, are there any specific policies on this team?" Emily asked.
"Thanks to Dave, yes. No dating whatsoever. But there are several other teams running out of the Academy and out of Headquarters. And if we're talking about fresh starts and doing things right, maybe it's time for me to think of a career to ensures that I get every second I can with Jack. Maybe someday I'll be fit to see him more than just weekends and holidays."
"Okay, now this conversation is going too fast," Emily said. "First off, I think you're fit to see him whenever you want. I mean, you could've just given up this weekend since it was already halfway done, but you went and got him anyway, even though you'd just worked for four days straight with hardly any sleep. That says a lot."
"I appreciate the support, but you're not a judge," Hotch pointed out. He stood and motioned toward the hallway. Emily followed him.
"If you want to make a career change, then fine, great, just don't…don't do anything rash, okay?" Emily pleaded.
"I'm just putting some options out there, that's all," Hotch assured her. He laid Jack down in his crib fully clothed and turned on a musical mobile to lull him the rest of the way to sleep. "Sorry you didn't see much of him," he said before getting the light. As soon as he hit the switch, though, Jack began to whine. "Uh-oh, too soon."
"May I?" Emily asked, reaching toward the crib, where Jack stood up with his arms outstretched.
"He's usually out cold once I turn the mobile on. Strange," Hotch said. "Go ahead."
Emily smiled warmly and pulled the baby into her arms. "Hi there, sweetie," she cooed. "Can you go to sleep for me?"
"You were right," Hotch said, leaning against the wall. "You said you'd make him like you before you left."
"Is that you saying it's time for me to leave?" Emily asked while Jack dozed off against her shoulder to her light swaying and bouncing.
"Not at all. Once he's asleep, maybe we could have a proper date," Hotch suggested.
"A proper first date is not cold pizza at your apartment while your son sleeps down the hall," Emily said flatly.
"Wow, you were so much easier to please thirteen years ago," Hotch remarked.
"What can I say? My tastes have matured."
Hotch laid the back of his hand against Jack's forehead and determined that he didn't feel feverish. "How about dinner somewhere nice. Can I surprise you?"
Emily leaned in toward Hotch to place a kiss on his cheek. "Absolutely."
"And can you still stay tonight, just so we can catch up? We never really have yet."
"I'd love to, but if I'm eating cold pizza, I'm going to need a beer."
"No worries there, I think I've got some. He's out for good now," Hotch said, gesturing toward Jack. Emily took half a minute to lower the baby slowly into his crib, even leaving her hand on his stomach for a few moments once he was lying down.
"You're a natural. Where'd you learn that trick?" Hotch asked, remembering Haley telling him that a warm hand left on the baby helped ease the transition into bed.
"I didn't know it was a trick," Emily said sincerely. "It just made sense."
"Well, I think you're going to be great with him. And with your own someday, no matter when that is and no matter whom you settle down with." They walked back down the hall and Hotch motioned for Emily to take the couch, letting her sit on what he'd just said. He showed up a minute later with their pizza and two bottles of beer.
"So, you want to catch up?" Emily said, wishing Hotch hadn't left such heavy words lingering in the air. All it had accomplished was giving her visions of carrying his baby—something far too serious for this point in their non-existent relationship.
"Yeah, besides work matters. Personal matters."
"Like how many guys I've dated, how long my longest relationship was, why I haven't gotten married? Those kind of personal matters?"
"You sure haven't lost your touch and making me feel incredibly uncomfortable," Hotch said.
Emily smirked and held up her beer. "I'll take that as a compliment."
"To new beginnings," Hotch said, raising his bottle, too.
"To new beginnings."
They each took a first sip and kicked back. Before Hotch asked any personal questions and turned the pseudo-date into an interview, he had something else he wanted to know. Ever since Emily had left that peck on his cheek back in Jack's room, Hotch had felt more alive than he had in weeks. More alive, in fact, than he had been since their time trapped in the asylum, when he'd been ironically close to death for a while. "Can I ask you something?"
"Here we go," Emily said ominously, though with a twinkle in her eye.
"Nothing like that. I'm just wondering if you'd…let someone kiss you on a first date."
"This isn't a first date," Emily noted.
"Exactly. It's not technically a date at all, according to you."
Emily's eyes narrowed to slits. "You're sneaky."
Hotch laughed and took Emily's lack of objection as permission to move closer. Just as he closed in on her seemingly freshly made-up face, he thought of something funny to say and paused, but thought better of it.
"What? Does my breath stink?" Emily asked, backing away and covering her mouth.
"No," Hotch said with a chuckle. "I was just going to tell you that you could keep your shirt on this time—you know—"
"Trust me, I remember," Emily said, going pink at the recent memory.
"Sorry," Hotch said, straightening his lips. "Did I ruin the moment?"
Emily shook her head. She longed to kiss him with her eyes open until the very last moment, in a lit room instead of under a pile of rubble. And—as Hotch had so kindly pointed out—fully clothed.
It was about time the two of them did something properly. As their lips finally touched, as hands surfed through hair and tongues begged for entrance, the rush was overwhelming. It was their best kiss yet, without question, because this time they both had hope for something real.
—
"So this is what it feels like," Emily said as Hotch took her hand outside a French restaurant two weeks later. Their date had been postponed three times thanks to work, but so far, after a perfect dinner, it had been worth the wait.
"What what feels like?" Hotch said, looking in his pocket for his valet ticket.
"Being on a proper date with you. Being allowed to call it a date. Knowing that if it wasn't the first date, I could kiss you and I wouldn't have to worry about what you thought it meant, because for the first time in thirteen years, we're actually on the same page."
"I thought the first date thing only applied to the first kiss, not any kiss," Hotch said.
Emily swatted him in the side. "That was what you took away from everything I just said?"
Hotch loved getting a rise out of her. Her eyes rolling into the back of her head drew a carefree laugh from him. "Really, come on…" Hotch handed his ticket to the valet and they stood waiting for his car. "You already let me kiss you once."
"No kiss on the first date. I'm a woman of principle."
"Is that the new name for a tease?" Hotch quipped.
"If I didn't know you were such a gentleman, this little act might get more of a reaction out of me."
Hotch's laughter escalated as he pulled Emily close and studied every twist and turn of her luxuriously curled hair. He settled for kissing her on the temple.
"What time is it?" Emily asked absentmindedly a few minutes later as she looked at the dashboard clock anyway. Hotch was navigating side streets to get to Emily's apartment.
"Nine-thirty, why?"
"Feels more like six," Emily said, staring out her window as the houses passed them by. "Stop."
"What? Why?"
"Just stop—stop," Emily demanded, rolling down her window. "Back up."
Hotch obeyed and put the car into reverse, waiting until Emily told him to stop again. "Did you see something?" Hotch asked as Emily stared dreamily at a gorgeous brick Victorian with a realtor sign staked in the front lawn. "Emily?"
"Shh," she said, though she reached over and took his hand, enfolding it in both of hers. At some point, her gaze morphed into fantasies of the future. Jack, five or six, chased a younger sister around the yard, and Emily inexplicably felt another little one along the way. She knew one child was asking for a lot, let alone two, but she couldn't help but feel that this was where she and Hotch belonged. For the sake of keeping things at a first date level, she didn't tell Hotch what was on her mind.
"Nice house," Hotch remarked, somewhat confused as to why their stopping here had been so urgent. "Did you know someone who lived there or something?"
"No, I just…really like it. It speaks to me, as much as a house can, anyway. I don't have the kind of money for that kind of mortgage payment, anyway. I'm good now. You can go ahead."
"You sure?" Hotch asked, amused.
Emily smiled and rolled her window back up, surprising Hotch with a short but invigorating kiss on the lips.
"What happened to principles?" Hotch asked, putting his foot on the gas when someone honked a horn behind him.
"I was having a moment. Besides, I was going to break the rules and kiss you when you dropped me off anyway."
"Does that mean you'll invite me up for coffee?" Hotch hoped.
"Don't push your luck."
A/N: Please leave a review! I (we!) appreciate it :)
