Lupinelover: Maybe I will make Aithusa have kittens, you'll just have to wait and see.
IcarusLSU: I love writing Hunith, I think she's one of my favourite characters to write in this fic, it's a shame she won't be in it for a while after the next chapter or two. I'll find a way to get her in though!
Grayember13: Thanks, I'm glad you like it! Hopefully that opinion won't change!
Gespav: Thank you!
Mickey.G.B/Guest: I'm glad you've understood the thing about the 'new Morgana' because I kind of wanted to make her a bit like she was in the show, without the evilness and the smirking.
Renaissancebooklover108: Thank you and you don't have to wait any longer!
Scarletbanner: Morgana will be okay! Promise! Has your deafness gone away now from your teacher screaming into that microphone?
Sakhr al-Jinni: Thanks and okay.
AnotherMerlinFan: Thank you, I hope this chapter doesn't disappoint!
"Morgana doesn't know what I'm about to tell you. The main reason for that being that I don't think she's given what happened a second thought, which worries me deeply," Hunith begins in a hushed voice.
"Is this about Alvarr the other day?" Merlin asks loudly. "She told me what he tried to do, by the way."
"And?" Hunith prompts him. "How does she feel about that?"
Merlin pauses. "Okay, I think. She said he didn't hurt her."
"Yes, but that's not really the point, is it? Just because it didn't hurt, it doesn't mean it didn't happen, it doesn't make it any better. And I just don't understand how she can be 'okay' about it. Those kind of assaults can take months and in most cases years to get over," Hunith sighs, taking out her concern by scrubbing a plate in a ferocious manner.
"She's strong, though," Merlin says weakly, trying to provide an argument for Morgana.
"Does she look strong to you? Because she doesn't to me. She barely touched those sandwiches this morning."
"Maybe she just wasn't hungry," Merlin says tiredly, beginning to regret waking up at such an early hour. His Mum was always worried about something, a trait she'd passed on to him, but he was sure Morgana was perfectly fine.
"She didn't have any tea last night, either. And then there's this thing about not remembering what Morgause and I were talking to her about afterwards," Hunith brings up another subject that was on her mind.
"Morgana told you this herself?" Merlin asks, surprised that Morgana would tell Hunith that. Most of the time she didn't want people to make a fuss so she could just get on with her life.
"No, Morgause did. She was talking to Morgana about Alvarr-"
"Who is this Morgause woman, anyway?" Merlin questions with a frown, drying off a glass with a tea-towel. He'd never heard of her. "I know she helped kick the door down, or whatever it was, but I haven't been told that much about her."
"Listen, Merlin. No matter how much you want to know about Morgause, I'm not going to tell you right now because it's not the right time and it's a bit like pointless information at the moment. Now, Morgause told me that when she was talking to Morgana the morning after, that Morgana said she had no re-collection of what Morgause and I were talking about just after we'd got her out of the house. I'd say that's fairly odd, wouldn't you?"
"Yeah, well, maybe she was just in shock or something. Maybe she was having some kind of panic attack and you didn't know," Merlin suggests firmly. Morgana was fine.
"But she was talking back to us, answering our questions. Albeit, she did look a bit dazed, but she didn't look like she was panicking. I thought it could've been some kind of fit, but she was responsive the whole time. Well, vaguely responsive," Hunith points out to herself, picking up another plate and letting it sink into the washing up bowl.
"How vague?"
"Yes and no questions seemed to be her strong points and she could string a couple of sentences together, but nothing past that. I don't know, Merlin. Different people react differently, but she didn't even look frightened. She just looked... somewhere else."
"Maybe she just hit her head or something," Merlin tries playing the situation down, but this was starting to make him uneasy, too.
"Perhaps. But the whole thing just seems very odd to me. Like the miscarriage. I know that she hates Alvarr, least of all wanted a child with him, but it doesn't make sense. It's a tragic loss of life and, again, these kind of things can take years to get over completely. The parents, or in this case just Morgana, can go into mourning for months on end. Yet, like everything else, like the fake letter and the abuse and now this, she's passed it off as nothing. So, either she's some kind of robot that has no feelings at all, or she's bottling it all up and pretending everything is fine. Which it isn't. It's terrible," Hunith says miserably.
" Or she actually is okay with all of this and it's just a coincidence she looks ill." He may be trying to convince Hunith, but he can barely convince himself.
"I'm just surprised she hasn't had a breakdown yet," Hunith admits without hesitation. "And once I've gone back to Australia, I want you to talk to her about it. About everything. It may sound like I'm trying to rule your lives, but I honestly just want you both to be okay."
"I know. Thank you," Merlin says solemnly, drying the last glass and putting it away. "I'll go and see if Morgana's ready. Do you want to talk about this again later?"
"No, I won't worry you any more. I'm sorry if this has dampened your morning, but I just thought you should know. In case it leads to anything else."
"Of course. Morgana, are you ready?" He shouts at the ceiling and turns to see her standing by the door. She has her hair back in a ponytail, a style he's never seen on her before. She has completely changed out of what she was dressed in about 10 minutes ago and is now wearing a plain red t-shirt, a pair of dark jeans and a blue fleece.
"I am. You ready? Okay, let's go," she uncrosses her arms and walks to the front door without waiting for his response.
"Right," Merlin says uncertainly, following her out to the car. They get in with Merlin in the driver's seat and Morgana next to him in the passenger seat. They sit in silence for a while. "Have you got everything? Like your CV and that?"
"No. Gwen text me earlier saying she wanted me to go round to her flat because she wanted to talk to me. And I think she's a bit lonely now that Arthur's gone away again. Don't tell her I said that, though."
"I won't," Merlin promises. "So are we just going to look in the newspaper for jobs?"
"Yes, I think that will be easier. Do you know where Gwen lives, or do you need me to give you instructions?"
"Instructions, please. Why did you get changed?" Merlin asks as he pulls out onto the road.
"Don't know. I just felt like it. I need to change who I am at the moment... now take a left," Morgana directs him and he turns off down a lane. The trees cover the road, offering them a shady protection and there are no other cars.
"Are you not happy with yourself entirely, or is this just an appearance thing?"
"Everything about me."
"Can you specify?" Merlin requests. "What do you think is wrong with you?"
"I'm a weaker person than I'd like to be. I'm not strong minded or independent. I can barely look after myself, let alone anyone else," Morgana says, looking defeated.
"I'd say that would almost be natural to think that after everything you've been through these past months."
"But I'm useless!" She shouts suddenly, making him almost slam down on the brakes when he jumps. "Why can't you understand that? I can't stand up for myself, all I do is make people worried or unhappy, I created a life and then couldn't even carry it – it feels like I've killed a child!"
Merlin sighs and pulls over, unbuckling his seat belt and Morgana's. He opens up his door and gets out. Morgana stares at him in confusion.
"Where are you going?"
"Nowhere. Just come and sit where I was so I can talk to you properly," he pats the seat and she clambers over the handbrake to sit there, facing Merlin.
"I don't think there's anything wrong with you," he says calmly.
"That's not what you and Hunith were saying a minute ago," she says, sounding hurt. "She says I'm like a robot and I have no feelings."
"You were listening?" He wants to stroke her hair through, but it's tied back.
"To some of it. I'm sorry," Morgana apologises. "It was too tempting."
"I think what my Mum was trying to say is that she's scared you're trying to act fine on the outside when on the inside you're not. That's all," Merlin explains quietly. "She doesn't actually think you're a robot, if that's reassuring."
"It is, a bit. But don't you agree with everything else I've said?" She asks him, desperate for someone to just relate with what she thinks.
"I don't agree at all. You aren't useless. You can stand up for yourself. You make me very happy and as for the baby, I just don't think it was the right-"
"But Alvarr tried to... I didn't even fight back, Merlin!" Morgana breaks in, hysterical. "Surely there's something wrong about that!"
"Maybe, but I still can't see the need for you to change who you are."
"Because the new Morgana is the better one," she mumbles.
"Is she?" Merlin inquires politely. "What makes her better than the old one, then?"
"She doesn't care what people think of her. She's a stronger person. She stands up for herself and her friends. She helps people. She's a better girlfriend."
"But she's not the Morgana I fell in love with," Merlin points out and he sees her try to scowl and smile at the same time.
"Shut up, Merlin."
"I think I like the old Morgana better. The one who moved in with me the day after we met. The one who blew up my microwave. The one I burgled a house with. The one who got snow all down my top." At this point she laughs and he smiles at their progress. "But then again, I haven't had sex with this new Morgana yet, so I don't know which one's better."
"Merlin!" She shoves him back and he lands in the grass at the side of the road, laughing loudly. "Typical man!" She tells him and moves back to the passenger seat so he can get in again.
"I think... I think this is going to take a long to get over all of this and fully put it behind us, but I'm going to be here for you, so you don't need to worry. And then, once we've gotten rid of all of the bad things, we can get on and do all the good things."
"Like what?"
"Like us. We could go out to places – like on a date and we can go on holiday and we can get married and we could have kids," Merlin stops himself, sensing he was getting a bit carried away. "If that's what you want."
"I do want that," Morgana says dreamily, feeling both completely relaxed and excited at the same time.
"Just not yet," he reminds them both sadly. They might have a long while to go yet, no matter how much they wanted the good things to happen.
"Thank you, Merlin."
"You don't have to thank me. But, you do have to get rid of this new Morgana. I don't like her at all," Merlin advises, straightening himself up as he starts the engine. "It's not good to split yourself into two people."
"Fine," Morgana says, a bit reluctant to this idea. She had been beginning to become accustomed to her new presence.
"Promise?"
"I promise."
"Great. Now, let's go and see Gwen. It's not like last time I saw her she threatened to cut certain parts of me off."
I have returned! I hope I wasn't away for too long that you'd all forgotten me!
I'm coming to the end of the Alvarr storyline now and will be moving onto a more general one, involving more of the characters.
Anyway, thank you to everyone who has followed and favourited – I hit 60 followers the other week, woo! And also to ScarletBanner for her constant support and telling me she's outside my house eating ice-cream :D
Thanks for reading and please review to tell me your thoughts!
