Hi readers! This is the author! My chapters are not consistent in the post time. Here is an explanation...get ready for a long rant. I have been very depressed recently. This school year has not started very well. I am currently not he bridge of failing all my school subject. This year I scored the first F I have ever gotten on a math test. School has been very stressful and I feel like I cannot continue. It's to the point where I have been skipping school because...I just can't go on. Going to school is like hell for me and it's worse than being stabbed by knives. All my friends are gone. My closest friend is now homeschooled and I don't see her very often. Two of my friends moved away. And my last friend...he died after six years of battling ALS. I have no one left. I have not cut since last year. I have started again. Last year I fell into deep depression because I felt as if I was a burden to my parents. This year...I am so disappointed in myself. I just want to be smart again. All the people who get A's and throw them aside like they are no big deal... I have nothing to say to them. They don't know how much I cry at night just to get that letter in red ink! It's just a letter as my friends say but...it means the world to me. It shows me that I have a purpose to live. I prided myself in holding third chair in band for flute. However due to getting my braces tightened on the seating test day...I failed because I couldn't play because my mouth hurt too much. I cried so much after that. The boy who took my place does not know how to play a scale and taunts me every day. I cannot take it. Before I loved to practice. However, now I have no motivation to practice. Sometimes I stand outside the band room and wait for the period to end. I have never skipped school before so it's...I don't know how to describe it. I just want to be smart like other people. I want to be pretty like other people. I want people to like me. Two of my friends left me and I am not mad. I am sad. They were the perfect friends. But I do not blame them for hating me. I hate myself too. I understand their feeling. Meanwhile friends tell me that children are starving in Africa. I am selfish but...my hate is different. Only people like me will understand. I am grateful for the roof, food, clothes, schooling, etc...but I have no will to live right now. I just want to go painlessly but there is no such thing. I am too scared to see what's beyond. I do not want help. Help never does anything. They just cause more trouble. I miss those who have left. I am...just a bit sad. However I will still smile for those friends...who I know are fake. Smile and everything will be okay!
-Potato princess
