"And then I felt sad because I realized that once people are broken in certain ways, they can't ever be fixed, and this is something nobody ever tells you when you are young and it never fails to surprise you as you grow older as you see the people in your life break one by one. You wonder when your turn is going to be, or if it's already happened."
Douglas Coupland.
Date unknown.
Time unknown.
Present.
My name is Alissa.
I am thirty-four years old. I have black hair and a scar across my cheek. I also have a husband, Jim, whom is lovable, kind and my closest friend. We got married three years ago. His family gave us their blessings. My family did not for I have not spoken to them in twenty years.
Jim and I live in a small house in a small street in a small village. I cannot tell you where we live. Jim owns the local supermarket. I work as an accountant out of our home. I don't like the outside world and I don't like being outside.
We don't have a lot of money, but we live well. We've got a car, a radio, a television and DVD player. I own a small boatshed off the coast near Jekyll Island State Park. Jim doesn't know that, though. Zoe does know, about the boatshed.
Zoe is my friend. She's nice and protective. But she's just like me.
My name is Allisa, Alissa Mary Zucker.
I was fifteen when I survived your seven days of torture. When you let me go, I had become someone else. For years, you've been haunting us. Even when you were not there, not watching us, we died. Slowly. Forcefully… Painfully.
For years, you've been torturing us just by your presence. And we couldn't escape it. I couldn't escape it. I struggled. I fought. And I died. At little, each day. I had hoped that our city lights would protect me from the shadow that was chasing me. But you always found a darker corner. You always won. I tried to move on, I tried to reassure myself.
I tried to live.
But who was I fooling? I tried to live so I would be surrounded by people who would be able to see. But they didn't. And so I continued. But I realise now, that I cannot win this battle. I lost it a long, long time ago. I started to understand there was no way I could fight you, because you were a part of me. It's over now. You win, I lose.
And tonight, we die.
My name is Allisa Mary Zucker.
I am named Allisa because I liked that name. When I was only seven, I had a teacher named Allisa. She was a kind woman. My middle name is Mary, because Mary was the mother of Jesus and Father likes God, Jesus and the bible.
I don't know why I am named Zucker. Perhaps because it's the last letter in the alphabet and that makes it harder to find me.
My name is Allisa, Mary, Zucker.
But it is not my real name.
I know you're here. I've been waiting. We've all been waiting. But you're early. February is early, it's only January. In February, we always end things.
So we wait, and we wait some more.
Zoe called. She said February is coming sooner than expected. That she can't stop it.
I said that I was sorry. She didn't understand. Then I said we would wait.
We would wait until February, because in February, things always end.
"Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow."
Dan Rather
