Dear Readers,
I have thought about it a long time. I am moving down to regulars math class for school. This is how the math system works in our school. The accelerated class learns half a year faster than all the other classes. ( I am 8th grade so accelerated is learning high school math.). Honors math is like regulars math but moves faster than regulars. If you are average to good...you are there. However, Regulars is filled with average to average. A lot of the kids who do drugs and are basically high school dropouts are there. This gives the class a bad reputation. Honors has been like this so far…
I walk into class
We write down notes. I'm just writing down numbers while my teacher talks in a foreign language . I have no idea what I'm writing...I just keep my hand moving.
We get a test back and I normally don't get an A
I excuse myself to go to the bathroom and I cry a little.
I go back to the classroom only to cry again and for my teacher to get mad at me for causing a scene
I get in the car and my dad asks me how math was that day. He lectures me that I should work harder and maybe I would get a good grade.
I go home and do my homework which I don't understand and start skipping problems.
I study for another quiz and I just stare at my notebook unable to do anything.
My mom checks online and sees my math score
She walks into her room and shuts the door. Every time I try to talk to her she is exasperated.
My dad says " I told you so" and tells me I'm lazy and I'm not trying my best. He says some more hurtful things.
I go to the bathroom and sit on the toilet crying and trying not to make a sound. Then, I pull out a scissor and use the sharp part to cut the side of my finger so nobody can see it.
That's basically what happens every Friday or Wednesday and I can't take it. I'm so scared that someone will see my cuts but I just can't stop. I feel so much better after I cut. It's like someone giving me a hug and rubbing my back soothingly. Nobody ever does that and the only things I hear are such hurtful words or friends telling me " you'll do better next time" and running off to join other friends. I am moving to regulars and I made the mistake of telling my parents. They will let me move down but they are upset. I am so mad at myself. I don't want to be bad at math! I just get anxiety every time I look at it. I cry a lot and I mostly cry about math. I don't know. It's affecting my other subjects so much because i loose motivation to even get out of bed every time I get a test back. I am just very sad right now. However, I will be firm and not let my parents berate me into staying in a hell hole where I will do unhealthy things to myself. I am not just a trophy to brag to friends. I am a human and humans have limits. I think I have reached mine.
- Author
