"The most confused you will ever get is when you try to convince your heart and spirit of something your mind knows is a lie." – Shannon L. Alder

March

When the alarm clock goes off the next morning, Kurt reaches to the bedside table, slams the 'off' button, rolls back, and buries his head beneath the pillows. He's had a restless night's sleep, filled with tossing and turning, and fitful dreams. He quickly goes to the bathroom to relieve his bladder and returns to the warmth of his bed. He lays his head on one pillow, while he takes the other pillow and hugs it close to his body. At last, he feels comfortable and snugly warm.

His thoughts drift to last night – seeing Hamilton and visiting the jazz club. Being with Blaine. He recalls what Blaine was wearing - how gorgeous he had looked. The outfit was a perfect combination of smart and casual. Blaine's curls had a glossy shine, but looked so soft that Kurt's fingers had twitched, suppressing his desire to run them through Blaine's hair. Kurt was surprised that Blaine was clean-shaven and had worn contact lenses. However, he wasn't complaining because that way, he got a better view of his warm hazel eyes.

When Kurt thinks back to the evening, he appreciates how Blaine was so attentive to him, as if he were someone special. Opening doors, guiding him as they walked, buying him drinks, and keeping up a steady flow of interesting conversation. Blaine has an effortless sophistication about him that Kurt loves. But beneath all the charm, Kurt knows Blaine can be silly and spontaneous as well. He laughs when he thinks of the photo shoot and Blaine singing and dancing along to the Spice Girls.

And the dance at the jazz club… It was everything to Kurt. To feel Blaine's compact body against his. To feel Blaine's hands on his back, gently rubbing circles. To feel Blaine's warm breath on his neck, softly singing in his ear. Kurt had never felt so connected with a man before in his life. If ever someone were to ask him to pick the moment when his heart started to belong to Blaine, that moment would be on the dance floor, swaying to the music and listening to that song. Kurt squeezes his pillow tighter around his arms, imagining it's Blaine.

Finding out that Blaine had composed the song had been quite a surprise. Of course Blaine would be talented in anything he chooses to do. But the song was about finding someone special and falling in love. The song conveyed a certain vulnerability… about opening yourself up to reveal the real you. Could Blaine, who is popular and comes across as so confident, ever feel like this?

Kurt could tell that Blaine was initially uncomfortable talking about his music, but he had slowly opened up and had related his past with music. Kurt is surprised that Blaine's father, who clearly also enjoys music, hadn't been supportive of him studying it in any sort of capacity. He wonders what Blaine would have been like if he'd had a father like his own, or even Rachel's.

Kurt closes his eyes and remembers the end of the evening, when Blaine had walked him to the door of his apartment building. When Blaine had said that he could consider the evening a date if he wanted to, Kurt had felt desperate for his first kiss – or the first kiss that counted – to be with Blaine. It would have been a perfect ending to a perfect evening. Blaine had leaned in so close that Kurt could almost feel Blaine's lips on his… until stupid Bentley reminded Blaine of stupid Sam.

Kurt had noticed the surprised look on Blaine's face. And all of a sudden, Kurt couldn't bear the thought of another man having Blaine - his kisses, his heart, well, his everything. Kurt grimaces when he thinks of the awkward good-bye, and throws the pillow he's hugging off the bed.

Kurt quietly goes to the kitchen – Rachel's still sleeping - to make a cup of coffee. With a steaming mug in his hand, he slips back into bed and reaches for his tablet. After checking his e-mail, Kurt decides to indulge in his own personal version of hell – he googles 'Blaine Anderson and Sam Evans'.

There are about 37,600 results to the search, so he starts with the images. Blaine and Sam on the red carpet at the National Awards Ceremony, at the New York Fashion Week, at the opening of a trendy boutique. There are also a bunch of images of them with friends – at a bar, at a party, or at a friend's house. What strikes Kurt is that there are no casual sightings of just the two of them. No walks through Central Park, no restaurant dates… Nothing to indicate that they spend loads of time together. However, Kurt knows better. They're living together, after all.

Kurt then presses 'video' on the search results and watches the first half dozen YouTube videos. These paint a slightly different picture. He can see Blaine looking at Sam's lips, Sam's arm casually thrown over Blaine's shoulder. He can see quick glances they share that are a whole conversation in themselves. He groans as he tosses his tablet to the foot of the bed. Kurt's never felt so confused in his life.

Kurt hears Rachel stirring in the kitchen. He throws on his fluffy terrycloth robe and leaves his curtained-off bedroom. It's still early on a Sunday morning, and he's not quite ready to start the day. "Good morning, Rach," he says upon entering the kitchen.

Rachel is peering into the fridge as if looking for something good to eat. "Hey, Kurt. I wasn't expecting you up so early. You got home pretty late last night," she adds with a wink.

"I didn't sleep so well. How about I make us some cinnamon-apple pancakes? You slice the apples and I'll start on the pancake batter."

Rachel readily agrees and they work together silently in the kitchen. Rachel brews another pot of coffee and sets the table for their breakfast. After a few bites of pancake, Rachel takes a good long look at Kurt. "So how was your date last night?"

"Umm… It wasn't a date… It was just a night out to research Vogue's June issue," Kurt replies. Rachel raises an eyebrow in total disbelief.

Kurt capitulates with a sigh. "Okay, I think it was a date, and it was the best night of my life. Seeing a Broadway show was a dream come true. Hamilton was an incredible performance and something I will always remember. I even met Lin-Manuel Miranda in person before the show!"

Kurt can see a frown on Rachel's face, conveying her jealousy at Kurt attending the hottest show in town and meeting Lin-Manuel. Kurt gently rubs her arm and adds, "Of course, the experience will fade when I see Rachel Barbra Berry perform her dream role at Funny Girl's opening night. I will be basking in the glory of it for decades to come."

Rachel grins broadly and bounces gently in her seat. "So, what did you do after the show? You must have done something, because you didn't get home until the wee hours of the morning."

"Blaine took me to a jazz club. It was perfect. We talked for hours and even slow-danced together. The night was perfect, except at the end."

"Why's that?" Rachel asks, as she digs into another apple pancake on her plate.

"I'm not exactly sure. When Blaine walked me to the front door, I really thought we were going to have a goodnight kiss. But then his driver shouted something about picking up Sam, and the mood suddenly changed. It was just a reminder that Blaine isn't mine to kiss… A reminder that he belongs to someone else."

Kurt takes a sip of his coffee before continuing. "The trouble is that Blaine Anderson is pretty perfect… At least perfect for me. I'm just going to have to shut down these thoughts."

"Kurt, last night he took you to see Hamilton and to a classy jazz club. He must have some level of interest in you. I think you should use it to your advantage."

"What do you mean, Rachel?"

"Blaine Anderson is the freaking editor-in-chief of Vogue! He can open doors for you, introduce you to the right people. You've already met Lin-Manuel Miranda, for crying out loud. Did you mention that you are a music theater performer? A singer? A dancer?"

"N… no, I didn't. It was all over so quickly."

"Kurt, you're probably Blaine Anderson's flavor of the month. He'll tire of you when you are no longer Vogue's fresh face. So accept every invitation, let him wine and dine you, and introduce you to New York's movers and shakers. And make sure people know about your talents away from the modeling set."

"I don't know, Rach. It doesn't feel right."

"Grow up, Kurt! We're not in Lima, Ohio anymore. We're in New York City, and it's a jungle out there."

*****

Kurt steps out of the bathroom, still toweling his hair. He'd thought that a long shower would wash away his problems, but Rachel's words still sting. There might be different rules of the game in New York City, but he is still Kurt Hummel, and has a firm set of values – family and love and commitment and acceptance of others. He's a man who wants to experience the Big Apple, but on his own terms. He's a man who wants to fall in love.

Kurt is relieved when he hears Rachel leave the loft for rehearsals, because her advice doesn't sit quite right with him. He doesn't want to hear any more about it from Rachel. He throws on some yoga pants and a sweatshirt and moves to the living area, with his tablet in hand. He knows who he needs to talk to and he opens up Skype.

"How ya doing, kiddo? What's got you sitting at home in sweats on a Sunday?"

"Hi, Dad. I had a really late night yesterday. It's raining outside and I don't feel like going out."

"So tell me about your night. Did ya do something fun?"

Kurt recounts to his dad about seeing Hamilton and going to a jazz club. He gushes about Blaine and the song that he's written. Unfortunately, there is nothing that escapes his father's notice.

"This Blaine Anderson sounds like somebody special to you."

"Well, he is. I like him… I mean I 'like' like him. But there's a catch. He's already in a relationship, and living with the guy. Sam's great and he really clicks with Blaine. But Blaine keeps giving me vibes that he's really interested in me. You know, in that sort of way. I know nothing can come of it, but I can't help wishing for it."

Kurt can see his dad remove his baseball cap and rub his head. It's always a signal that he's thinking.

"I don't know what to tell you, Kurt. It seems like you already know the answer. Nothing can come of it except heartbreak and unhappiness. Maybe you should just distance yourself for a while until you get your feelings under control."

Kurt nods his head in agreement. "I spoke to Rachel this morning and she advised me to go out with Blaine as often as possible - that I should use his position of power to my advantage to further my career."

"That sounds like something Rachel would do. But you're not Rachel. Do you want to use Blaine like that, Kurt?"

"No. No, I don't. Blaine's such a wonderful guy. He's smart and creative, but can be caring as well. When I'm with him, he makes me feel like I'm the most important person in his life… Like I matter."

"You do matter, Kurt. And Blaine matters too. Using him doesn't feel right in my books. I know Lima isn't New York City, but people are the same the world over. Blaine has feelings and vulnerabilities just like you do."

"I know what you mean. I think behind Blaine's outer sophistication, there's a guy who is lonely and wanting a friend. His building's concierge told me that I was the first guy Blaine had invited to his apartment since he moved in two years ago."

"So maybe you should be that friend for Blaine."

"Maybe I should."

After shutting down Skype, Kurt sends a text message to Blaine. Thanks for last night – it was really special. I can now check off Broadway and a jazz club from my bucket list.

Blaine enters his apartment, hot and sweaty from his run. He's had a restless night's sleep, filled with tossing and turning, and fitful dreams. He takes a leisurely shower before joining Amy in the kitchen. She turns off the blender and pours Blaine's fruit smoothie into a glass, before handing it over.

"You're up early for a Sunday, Blaine."

"Yeah, I didn't sleep so well last night. I thought a run might help, but it didn't. I just can't shake him from my mind."

"Guy problems?"

"Major guy problems. I went out with Kurt last night and we had a wonderful evening. We saw Hamilton on Broadway and then I took him to the Treble Clef Jazz Club. It was the perfect date, except at the end."

"What happened?" Amy prods.

"Bentley mentioned Sam, and the mood suddenly changed. Before I knew it, Kurt had dashed into his apartment building."

"And why do you think he rushed away? Have you told Kurt that you and Sam are just friends?"

"No, of course I haven't. There are only a handful of people who know our secret and I need to keep it that way. Mercedes is on tour. But it doesn't really matter, because I think that Kurt has a crush on Sam."

"Why's that?"

"Well, Sam was friendly with Kurt when they were at the photo shoot last month. You know what Sam's like. He can be flirty without even knowing it. And we're talking about Sam here. He's a gay man's fantasy come true… I should know. He's tall and good-looking and his body's just perfect. You could get lost in those abs. And yet he has a boyish charm about him. There's no way I can compete with that."

Amy pours two cups of coffee before joining him at the breakfast bar. "Don't sell yourself short, Blaine. You're quite the catch yourself. And Kurt's not spending time with Sam. He's spending time with you."

"I know, but Kurt is so young, and he's told me he hasn't had a boyfriend before. And he's so beautiful, both inside and out, and once he's on the cover of Vogue, he's going to have men falling at his feet. I'll be like leftovers from last night's dinner – a little old, stale and unappealing."

Blaine takes a sip of his coffee before continuing. "And what happens if we do get together before then? I'm scared that one day he's gonna wake up and realize that he doesn't really love me."

Amy rises from her kitchen stool to give Blaine a hug. "I think you're getting ahead of yourself, Blaine. You're talking about love and relationships. I know they're important to you, but baby steps first. Spend some more time with Kurt and get to know him better. But most importantly, let him get to know you better. Sometimes the prize outweighs the risks when opening yourself up to someone."

Blaine's not sure what to say in response. What Amy says makes total sense. But it doesn't stop the butterflies that flutter in his stomach. He is scared. His phone vibrates on the kitchen counter and Blaine quickly glances at the message. It's from Kurt, thanking him for last night.

"Kurt?" Amy asks when she notices Blaine's huge grin.

"Yeah."

"Well, if a simple text can make you smile like that, I'd say he's worth taking a chance on." Amy squeezes his arm and leaves for the laundry area.

Blaine looks down at his phone again and composes his reply. You're welcome. Anything else we could cross off your bucket list?

*****

April

It's a Saturday afternoon, and Kurt is flopped out on the couch after a particularly grueling workout session with Chrystal. It's the first chance he's had to relax over the past few weeks. Kurt's been busy writing an article for the Vogue website about Hamilton, behind the scenes. Blaine has arranged for him to have access to the show's set, wardrobe, and make-up departments. Kurt has loved interviewing the staff and getting first-hand knowledge of what happens behind the scenes to make Hamilton a successful show. He handed in the article to Isabelle Wright yesterday, and now he finally has a weekend to himself.

But Kurt's bored. There are lots of things he could do, but he wants to do them with somebody. Kurt feels like he has been so focused on his new modeling career that he hasn't really given any thought to his private life. He hardly sees Rachel anymore now that she's in rehearsal for Funny Girl. His thoughts quickly wander to Blaine.

Blaine has been quiet as well over the past few weeks. They've exchanged a few work-related e-mails about the Vogue website article, but there have been no invitations to meet up soon. Isabelle did mention in passing that Blaine has just returned from India. He's attended the Fashion Week in Mumbai to get a feel of where the top Indian designers were heading. Kurt thinks that an Indian-focused issue would be pretty interesting.

The truth is that he misses Blaine. Kurt enjoys spending time with him, and he still wants Blaine in his life. And if that means just being friends, then that's what they'll be. Kurt has reconciled himself to the fact that Blaine will never be interested in him – he has Sam after all. He wants Blaine to know that he is comfortable with that. When Kurt thinks back to the time he has spent with Blaine, he realizes that they never talk about Sam, or when he does come up, it's all kinds of awkward.

Kurt vows to himself that he will prove to Blaine that he understands and supports his relationship with Sam. He'll show interest in what Sam's doing and make sure to invite Sam along on some of their outings. Kurt will show Blaine that he's happy to be his friend and just enjoy his company.

Kurt looks at his phone and pulls up Blaine's contact details. He takes a look at the photo of Blaine at the New York Fashion Week, one that he pulled off Twitter. Blaine looks like a rock star with his tumble of curls, face stubble and sunglasses. He wants a new photo of Blaine - one of Blaine shyly smiling, or blushing, or him laughing from the bottom of his belly. A photo that reflects the person Kurt's getting to know. He decides to send Blaine a text. What's up? Bored home... Do you have plans for tomorrow?

Two minutes later, Kurt receives a text from Blaine. "Getting ready to go out to a restaurant opening tonight. No plans for tomorrow that I can't change. What do you have in mind?"

Kurt thinks about his reply. He knows he wants to hang out with Blaine, but in a more casual setting than they usually do. He looks at the weather forecast which is 62F and sunny skies. He then has a brilliant idea. He types Let's go out and experience some of the Big Apple. I've got a great idea… but it's a surprise. Another thing to tick off my bucket list ;)

Twenty minutes go by, and Kurt is getting worried that he hasn't heard from Blaine yet. Maybe he has a crossed a line by being the one to initiate getting together? Or the winky face? After all, he's dealing with the Blaine Anderson. Kurt is busying himself in the kitchen, preparing dinner, when his phone goes off.

"Hey, Kurt. It's Blaine. Sorry I didn't get back to you sooner. I had to leave my apartment and tell Bentley where to take me. I've got this restaurant thingy I'm expected at tonight."

"Rather you than me, Blaine. Your life sounds exhausting. So can we meet up tomorrow? I've got to warn you - my idea is going to take most of the day."

"I'm not sure how to say this, but I can't go out with a guy all day in New York City without attracting the paparazzi. And I'm trying to keep you under wraps until the May issue is released. It's only a few more weeks."

"There won't be any paps where I plan to take you. As a matter of fact, I doubt anybody there will know who you are. The only attention you'll get will be some casual stares. You're a good-looking man, after all."

Kurt face-palms himself for the last remark. He realizes that staying in the friend zone will be harder than he thought.

"Umm… Thanks. Flattery will get you everywhere. Can you give me a hint about tomorrow so that I can be prepared?"

"It has something to do with accessorizing your penthouse, and I'm not telling you any more than that. If you want, I can tell Bentley where we're going in case you want to get away fast. Will that work for you?"

"Yeah, that sounds like a plan. Now I'm curious about what we're going to do. Can't you tell me just a little bit more?"

Kurt squeals into the phone, so happy that Blaine has agreed. "Nah-uh. Where would be the fun in that? You just need to be casually dressed and leave all the bells and whistles at home. And that includes your pink sunglasses, mister! Oh, and be prepared to walk a lot. I'll pick you up at 10am. Does that work for you?"

"Yeah, that's fine. I can't wait to see you again, Kurt. It's been a while."

"It's been too long, Blaine. I can't wait to see you either. Have a good evening, and I'll see you in the morning."

*****

Blaine presses the 'end call' button on his phone and squeals like one of his fangirls. He's been hoping that Kurt would initiate their next meeting. But to surprise him with a whole day planned out with Blaine in mind? This is beyond his wildest dreams. He feels like a teenager about to go on his first date. Kurt hasn't mentioned the word 'date' in the conversation, but it certainly feels like it might be.

Bentley drops Blaine off in front of the Beso restaurant. It's owned by Eva Longoria, of Desperate Housewives fame. Based on the Latin American restaurant's success in Hollywood, she is expanding her empire to include a restaurant in New York. The Latino dynamo has invited anyone who matters to attend the grand opening. She personally called Blaine yesterday to confirm that he still planned to attend.

Blaine enters the Beso restaurant and takes a good look around. The floors are dark oak and polished to a high shine. The restaurant is long and narrow and its ceiling is arched, as if it used to be a warehouse in decades past. Curtains cover the long windows and give the restaurant a cozy and intimate feel. There's a musician in the corner, strumming a guitar, and the space is filled with Latino music.

Blaine takes a drink from the bar when he hears a familiar voice behind him.

"Well, if it isn't my teenage dream."

Blaine shudders in disgust as he turns around to face Sebastian Smythe. Blaine quickly looks him over and notices that Sebastian has retained his classic good looks. However, there's now a hardness to his eyes that wasn't there before, and some bags underneath them from too many nights out partying.

"So, did you bring your 'fresh face' with you? That is one man I definitely want to meet."

"Sebastian, it's been a while," Blaine responds, as he offers his hand in greeting. "What makes you think that Vogue's fresh face is a man?"

"'Because when you mentioned that Vogue had a fresh face at the National Awards Ceremony, I saw your heart-eyes. Don't forget, I know you well, Blaine."

Blaine's cheeks flush and he hopes that Sebastian doesn't notice. "I think that's a figment of your imagination. Hot male models are your fantasy, not mine."

Sebastian smirks at Blaine. "I don't believe you, but I'll find out soon enough. The May issue will hit the newsstands in a few weeks. And I think you'll find that I have a few tricks up my sleeve."

Blaine glares at Sebastian before heading towards the crowd surrounding Eva Longoria. He doesn't trust Sebastian one little bit. And he'll be damned if he will let Sebastian anywhere near Kurt.