"When it is obvious that the goals cannot be reached, don't adjust the goals, adjust the action steps." - Confucius
August
Kurt blinks slowly as a ray of sunlight hits his eyes. He can feel the soft warm blanket underneath him and a light gentle breeze. His hand feels warm, and he slowly realizes that Blaine is still clutching it close to his chest. When he opens his eyes, he sees two golden honey-colored orbs staring at him.
"Uhh… What time is it?"
"It's 4pm. You've been asleep for an hour or so. Sweet dreams?"
The question startles Kurt. Has he dreamt about kissing Blaine? And if so, was it that obvious?
"I guess so. Why do you ask?"
"It's just that you had such a sweet smile on your face."
"Well, it's hard to imagine a more perfect summer afternoon than having a picnic lunch and being so relaxed with somebody that I fall asleep in Central Park. Have you been awake long?"
"Nope, maybe five or ten minutes."
Kurt sits up and rubs the sleep from his eyes. "Give me five minutes. I need to find a toilet."
Kurt quickly finds a public restroom and does the necessaries. He dreads going back - knowing that they'll have the discussion about Sam. Part of him wishes to skip the whole thing and let things continue as they are. Though, deep down inside, he knows that can't happen. He needs to figure out how he fits into Blaine's life and how Blaine fits into his. He needs to make big decisions about his career, his living arrangements, and his personal life. As Kurt dries his hands, he takes a deep breath, before returning to the elm tree. Kurt smiles when he notices that Blaine has moved the blanket so that it's now fully in the shade again.
"Hey, Kurt. I've been meaning to ask you. Are you planning to come to the diva-off at Fashion Night Out?"
"You know I am. I wouldn't miss it for the world. I can't believe you felt the need to ask."
"Umm… I was wondering if maybe you'd go with me? You'd be alone during the actual diva-off, but would you go to the after-parties with me?"
"Sure, I'd love to do that. But what about Sam? Won't you want to be with Sam after the diva-off?"
"Sam won't be at the diva-off or any part of Fashion Night Out. He has some… umm… personal business to attend to."
"I just don't get it, Blaine. He's so supportive of you training for the catwalk, yet he ditches you on the night of! What personal business can possibly be more important than you?"
"Trust me, Kurt. Sam can't be in New York that weekend. We've discussed it and I'm perfectly okay with Sam not being there."
Kurt huffs and looks away, trying to control his anger and compose his thoughts. This is as good a time as any to discuss Sam.
"I don't get any part of your relationship with Sam. What's the deal?"
"I met Sam during my first year at college and we just clicked. We both liked the same sort of music and were Star Wars nerds. When I was finding my own feet with the 'Bowties and Suspenders' blog, Sam was encouraging me every step of the way. He even moved to New York to help me with Vogue's Calvin Klein underwear article and ad campaign. So Sam is very special to me and he'll always be an important part of my life."
"Okay, I get that you two have a history together. But what about now? It seems that Sam really only features in your life when you are going to public events."
"That's not entirely fair. Sam and I've decided not to be seen in public outside high-profile events. Fame isn't what it's cracked up to be. There's a lot of pressure being in the lime-light. There are too many people wanting a piece of me and it can get darn right creepy. You must know what I mean."
"I do understand that, but I'd like to think that I would be proud of my partner and our relationship would be exactly what we want it to be. What I don't understand is why Sam is gone so much. Where does he go on the weekends?"
Blaine looks nervous and he shifts his weight to another position. "Sam has other people in his life besides me. Sam moved around a lot growing up and so he has friends everywhere."
Kurt can't believe what he's hearing. He's just received confirmation that Sam has other men in his life. However, he wants to be sure that he didn't get any wires crossed.
"So Sam has relationships with people other than you? Are you happy about that?"
"Yeah, he does. It would be pretty strange if we only had each other as friends. Look, Kurt, I'm not very comfortable talking about what Sam gets up to. There's stuff that I can't tell you… at least not yet. However, I can say that everything will become clear after the diva-off."
Kurt can't help but push the matter a little bit further. "So what about me? How do I fit into your life?"
Blaine covers his right hand and gently rubs across the top. It's surprisingly comforting, given the topic of discussion.
"Kurt, you are so special to me. I've never met anybody quite like you. You're like a breath of fresh air, and you've shown me that there can be a life outside of work and fame. In such a short time, you've become one of my closest friends. I will take you any way you'll have me."
Kurt thinks about what Blaine has just said. He's happy that Blaine values their friendship, but he's not sure Blaine appreciates that Kurt wants to have him as a boyfriend… an exclusive one. However, it doesn't seem like the right time to discuss it - he needs time to digest what Blaine has said and figure out what he is going to do.
"You're special to me too, Blaine. Thanks for telling me about Sam. I might not like everything you told me, but I do appreciate your honesty."
As they pack up their belongings, Kurt notices that Blaine has paled and looks terribly sad. Kurt can't figure out whether it was because of something he had said or whether Blaine is lost in thoughts about Sam.
Later that night, Kurt props his pillows up against the headboard of his bed and sets his tablet on his lap. He doesn't feel comfortable with what he's about to do, but thinks it's necessary in order to figure out Blaine. He opens a browser window and types 'open gay relationships' into the Google search bar. Kurt is shocked that there are 72 million results. An item entitled 'Nearly half of gay men have had an open relationship' catches his eye. The article summarizes research that found that gay men tend to have a more liberal view of sex and that 30% don't believe they can be monogamous.
Kurt didn't realize that so many gay men thought like this. He could envision Sam enjoying the company of other men. His easy-going ways and joking around seem to suggest that he would be open to others. However, he can't picture Blaine with more than one important man in his life. It doesn't seem to suit Blaine's nature. During his visit to New York last month, his father commented that Blaine seemed very loyal to the people he cared about. And that trait doesn't match up with an open relationship. So maybe it's Sam who's fooling around and Blaine has resigned himself to it.
Besides, not once has Blaine been inappropriate with Kurt. Blaine has never come on to him or suggested anything besides friendship. Sure, Blaine has done loads of things that have made him feel special, like the texts, the flowers, and the dates. At times Kurt thinks that Blaine might like him more than a friend, but then again, maybe he's making things up in his head. It's not like it's the first time that he's interpreted friendly gestures in the wrong way. He cringes when he thinks of his crush on Finn back in high school.
Kurt frowns when he looks at the three men enjoying a bubble bath together on the Internet site. Open relationships are one thing, but threesomes are a big no-no for him. He can't imagine in any lifetime that he would want to share physical intimacy with more than one man at the same time. If he did get Blaine, he would want him all to himself. Threesomes don't fit into Kurt's strong belief that he matters in a relationship. He reads a half-dozen more articles about open relationships and then throws his tablet aside in disgust.
If it wasn't for Blaine, he wouldn't even be looking at these sites. The whole exercise has only confirmed that he's a one-man type of guy. As much as he loves Blaine, he just can't see himself having an open relationship. However, Kurt isn't sure exactly what Blaine wants from him. What did Blaine exactly mean when he said that he wanted Kurt in his life in any way he could have him? Did he mean that he wanted more? Did 'any way' mean that he would break things off with Sam in order to be with Kurt?
And what did Blaine exactly mean by everything becoming clear after the diva-off? What's going to happen that Kurt isn't aware of? In spite of Blaine's honesty, Kurt feels that Blaine is holding something back. Information that Kurt needs to be able to figure things out.
Kurt then considers how work fits into this big mess. It's pretty hard not to be tempted by Elle's contract proposal. However, it does mean that he could lose Blaine's friendship and have to spend time with that creepy Sebastian Smythe. However, if he renews the contract with Vogue, it's potentially one more year where he's in this holding pattern with his love life. Would he be able to cope with another full year of unrequited love?
Kurt had thought that everything would be sorted once he had the conversation with Blaine about Sam. Kurt grimaces when he thinks what a joke that was. The conversation has left Kurt even more confused than before.
"… I think Vogue is offering you a one-of-a-kind modeling contract for the next year. And as you can see from my presentation, we've given a lot of thought as to how we will showcase you in upcoming issues. We, here at Vogue, want to keep you in our family."
Blaine takes a look at the people around the conference table at Vogue's executive level. There's Isabelle, Alicia from HR, and Jenni from Legal on the Vogue team. On the other side of the table is Kurt, with Wes and Hayley, his PR agent. Isabelle gives Blaine a friendly smile, indicating that his presentation at the contract negotiations went well. Kurt is slowly nodding his head, but for some reason, he can't read Wes' facial expression.
"Does anybody have any questions or concerns?" Blaine asks. The silence is stifling, and he wants the formal meeting to be over.
Kurt remarks politely, "I think I understand everything Vogue is offering, Blaine. Thanks for taking the time to go over the ideas for future photo shoots."
"Kurt needs some time to think over what you're proposing. There are also other options out there for him to consider," Wes adds.
Blaine slowly pours more water into his glass and takes a few sips in order to have some time to collect himself. He feels a bit blind-sided by the 'other options' available to Kurt. Frankly, he's a little upset that neither Kurt nor Wes mentioned them earlier. He had thought that Wes' attempts at sweetening the offer was just a means of getting the best deal for his client. He had no idea that Vogue was competing with 'other options'. Blaine looks at Kurt, who is giving him an apologetic look.
"I've spoken with Wes over the past few weeks, and this contract proposal is the best that Vogue can offer you. I would only expect that you have other options. I'm not sure what those are, but I can tell you that no-one will take care of you and your career quite like Vogue. You have my word on that."
Before Kurt can say anything, Wes takes the lead. "Your word does mean something, Blaine, and the Vogue contract is very attractive. However, there are a few possibilities in the pipelines and I've already advised Kurt to think about them carefully. I'll let you know Kurt's decision in the second half of September."
"Blaine, what's wrong? You don't look very good," Tina asks when he enters the reception area.
"I've totally messed up. I've messed up any chance I have with Kurt and I've messed up any chance of Kurt staying with Vogue. I'm one big fuck-up."
Tina pulls Blaine into his office and closes the door. She gives him a long hug, and Blaine sniffles into her shoulder.
"It can't be that bad, Blainey Days. Why don't you tell me about it?"
"Last Sunday, Kurt and I spent the afternoon in Central Park. He wanted to know what exactly my relationship with Sam is. Only, I promised Sam I wouldn't say anything until after the diva-off. So I told him a little bit, but kept the important information out. Now he's disgusted with me and wants nothing more to do with me."
"You don't know that for sure."
"Yeah, I kinda do. The contract renewal meeting that I thought would end in a celebration? Well, you can cancel the luncheon reservation. It went horribly wrong. Kurt didn't sign."
"You can't mean that Kurt is not going to stay at Vogue, surely?"
"That's exactly what I mean. He's considering – and I quote - 'other modeling options at the moment and will get back to us in late September. I feel like it's because he doesn't want me in his life anymore."
Tina pulls Blaine away from her and gives his shoulder a hard slap.
"Yes, you are a total fuck-up for not telling Kurt how you feel about him. But this is fixable, Blaine! You're going to sit down right now and do as I say!"
Blaine gulps when he sees the fierce look on Tina's face - the look that she gets when she's fired up about something. Blaine slowly walks over to the couch and sits, lowering his head.
"Oh no, you don't get to look like a little boy being told off by his mother. Look at me, Blaine!"
Blaine looks up and notices that Tina's expression is still fierce, but has softened a little.
"I've watched you pine after Kurt for months. It's been cute to see your heart-eyes when you're smiling at a text, or to see you walking like you're floating on air after a Sunday spent with Kurt. And your whole face lights up when Kurt visits you in the office. And trust me, Kurt buzzes whenever you're around as well."
"You think Kurt likes me back? I personally think that Kurt is into Sam."
"UGH! What are you? A teenager in middle school? I love you, Blaine, but you're so freaking oblivious! Kurt gets plenty of offers from other gay men, but who does he spend time with? YOU! And who does Kurt want his father to meet when he comes to New York for a visit? YOU! Every time I see Kurt, who does he pump me for information about? YOU! When you're out of town, Kurt calls me to confirm when you're returning. Kurt thinks that you're into Sam because you've never told him about your relationship."
Blaine thinks about what Tina has said. Maybe she's right, but he doesn't want to get his hopes up. Tina gives him a pointed look and continues.
"It's been downright painful to watch you dance around Kurt and do nothing about it. You don't seem to be able to tell Kurt about your feelings and take the relationship to the next level. So do you still want him?"
"I want him so desperately. I really feel that he's it for me – that one love in my lifetime. But I've made this a big mess and I don't know how to fix it."
"So this is what you're going to do. First, I'm going to call Sam after we're finished talking and get him here pronto. You're going to tell Sam that as much as you value your friendship with him, you need to tell Kurt the truth now. Not after the diva-off, but NOW. Got it?"
"Got it loud and clear. You're right. This whole secrecy about my relationship with Sam has gotten way out of hand. I can't sleep at night wondering what Kurt must think and how I'm going to keep my promise to Sam."
"You're not asking Sam for his permission. You're telling him what you need to do. Understand? And for god's sake, get Sam to move out. It's not helping matters that he lives in your penthouse."
"Sam will be moving out next month. I just want to hide until the diva-off is over."
"Oh no, there won't be any hiding, mister. The next thing is to meet up with Kurt and tell him exactly how you and Sam have been covering for each other, that Sam is straight and that he's moving out. You're then going to tell Kurt how you feel about him. Tell him that you are in love with him and you want him as your boyfriend. I'm sure you can figure out that speech for yourself."
Blaine nods his head, thinking about his daydreams of telling Kurt his true feelings. Blaine furrows his brow and asks, "But won't Kurt find the timing suspicious? Won't Kurt think I'm saying these things because I want him to stay at Vogue?"
"It depends on how you say it. Tell him that you're laying out all your feelings now so that he knows that it makes no difference to you whether he stays at Vogue or not. Tell him it's not an all-or-nothing proposition."
"So where should I take Kurt? Any suggestions? A romantic and expensive restaurant maybe?"
Tina slowly shakes her head. "As wonderful as that sounds, leave special restaurants for anniversaries. I think Kurt would appreciate doing something that's special to the two of you. What do you like doing together?"
"We like going out and having fun. Hanging out with each other and enjoying each other's company. We've got this thing about crossing items off our bucket lists."
"So there's your answer, Blaine. Go through your bucket list and find something that you know Kurt will enjoy doing. Have some fun together and then you can talk about things."
"But what if Kurt doesn't want to see me? He probably wants some distance between us before he makes his decision."
"Trust me, Blaine. Kurt will want to see you. I think he wants this situation fixed just as much as you do. And if he refuses to see you, we'll just have to switch to Plan B."
"Plan B?" Blaine asks.
"Yeah, the plan where I physically force Kurt into the same room as you and don't leave until you start making out."
Blaine giggles at the idea, knowing deep down inside that Tina would actually go through with Plan B. Tina's given him hope that he might not be too late after all.
"What's up, dude? Are you going to fire me or something?" Sam asks as he walks into Blaine's office.
"No, of course not. Why would you think that?"
"Because Tina came to my gym and physically dragged me into your office. Told me that you urgently had to talk to me at the office and that it couldn't wait until later tonight at home."
"Sorry about that. You know what Tina is like when she gets something in her head. I do want to talk to you, but it could have waited until after the gym."
"Well, warn me next time you're gonna sic Tina on me. She's scary! So what the hell is going on?"
Blaine goes and closes the door to his office before joining Sam on the couch.
"I can't go on without telling Kurt the truth. The truth about us and how I feel about him. Kurt and I had a discussion about you on Sunday, and I feel miserable that I haven't told him everything about us. I can't sleep at night thinking about the promise I made to you to keep things quiet and the things I should tell Kurt."
"I get it, man. I thought we agreed that you'd tell him everything at the diva-off and that you were happy with that decision."
"Well, since then, things have happened. Kurt is now considering his 'other options' instead of renewing his Vogue contract. It's like he doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. I feel like he's slipping away through my fingers, and I can't lose him. I'm in love with him, Sam."
Blaine looks down as he tries to keep his tears from rolling down his cheeks. Sam scooches in closer and pulls Blaine against his chest.
"You shoulda told me sooner that this was cutting you up so much. I don't want you to be unhappy. I want you and Kurt together and doing those things that Krian does – without the whips, of course. Go tell Kurt about our arrangement and the wedding and stuff. But can I ask one small favor?"
"What?"
"Don't mention Mercedes' name. I mean, if it comes down to that and he really needs to know my girlfriend's name, then let me know, and I'll have a word with Kurt."
"I can agree to that. So you don't mind me telling Kurt that we're not really a couple and that you're getting married?"
"I don't mind at all. I'm on your team. Well, not really on your team, because I'm into girls…. But you know what I mean."
"Yeah. Thanks, Sam. That's such a weight off my shoulders, you have no idea. Now, since you're here, how about a session at the gym? I'm still having problems with that turn thingy that I'm supposed to do at the end of the catwalk."
Before returning from the gym to his office, Blaine rushes outside and buys a bouquet of flowers at the corner bodega. Blaine feels a whole lot better after talking with Sam. He now has a plan, and he might not have worked out every detail, and it might not work, but at least he's taking steps in the right direction.
When Blaine returns to his office, he offers the flowers to Tina.
"Thanks, Tay Tay. I needed someone to give me that wake-up call. Sam is happy with me talking to Kurt. Can you hold all my calls for a while because I'm going to figure out that date and ask Kurt out?"
"Go get him, tiger!" Tina replies.
Blaine sits at his desk and scrolls through his bucket list on his phone. He needs to find something that is fun enough for Kurt to want to join him, but someplace where they will get a chance to talk. Blaine smiles when he sees 'bike riding at Governors Island' on his list. A quick look at its website reveals that the Governors Island's annual art fair will happen over Labor Day weekend. That's just ten days away, and the weekend before Fashion Night Out. He mentally prepares himself, whispering the word 'courage', and sends Kurt a text.
Are you around Labor Day weekend? I have something perfect on my bucket list to do with you. B x
Blaine knows he should get back to work, but he can't focus on anything except Kurt's response, so he calls Tina in to wait with him. Blaine squeezes her hand as his phone vibrates with an incoming text.
Do you think that's wise, B? I mean, shouldn't we wait until after the Vogue contract is resolved? - K
Blaine puts down his phone, bitterly disappointed. "I just knew it. He doesn't want to hang out with me anymore. He didn't even give me the usual kiss at the end."
Tina gently rubs her hand over Blaine's shoulder. "Stop it, Blaine. Kurt didn't say 'no'. He's trying to figure out whether you want to meet up about work stuff. Tell him that this is nothing related to work. That you want to spend time with him as a friend. That you have something important to discuss with him."
Blaine drafts a reply and only presses 'send' when Tina nods her head in approval.
I think we can meet up as friends, don't you? I like hanging out with you and I found a cool place to go with an Art Fair that Sunday. I promise not to talk about work. Besides, there's something important I need to tell you and it has nothing to do with fashion. B xx
It doesn't take long before Blaine's phone vibrates again.
Can I think about it, B? I'm curious what you need to tell me. Any hints? K x
"He sent me a kiss this time!"
"I told you he was interested in you, Blaine. Now give him a hint but don't give your game away. You really want to tell him face to face."
After drafting a text and changing the wording here and there, Tina and Blaine send a reply they're happy with.
Take all the time you need, K. It's time I tell you honestly about my feelings about things... About you. B xx
Author's notes
I don't know about you, but I love Tina in this chapter :)
Thank you to Lilyvandersteen, the most fabulous beta ever, although all mistakes are mine. Come visit me a Tumblr (HKVoyage) for the story artwork and my thoughts when writing this chapter.
Next up: Kurt decides whether or not to meet up with Blaine.
