Growth is a spiral process, doubling back on itself, reassessing and regrouping. - Julia Margaret Cameron
December
Once Kurt is back home in Lima and has caught up with his dad's news, he goes upstairs to his bedroom. He might as well get the call to Sebastian over with. Kurt is surprised when Sebastian answers after the first ring.
"Last night, I went too far. I know it was stupid of me to ask you to join us, but I was caught up in the moment. Is this why you're evoking your right in the contract to quit Elle?"
"Partially, but not really. I've given a lot of thought to what you said about my role in the Elle magazine photo spreads. I appreciate that 'sex sells', but that isn't the role I was born to play. I haven't felt comfortable at Elle since I joined, and now, I need to move on."
"Are you sure it's not about me?"
"Sebastian, in some ways, I admire you. You're young to be Elle's editor-in-chief and you know what you want out of life and chase it. It just doesn't fit in with what I want. I have other dreams."
Kurt can hear Sebastian chuckle over the phone. "You know, you and Blanderson are like two peas in a pod. I can see why you get along so famously. Are you going back to Vogue with your tail between your legs?"
"No, I don't think I'll ever go back to Vogue. There's too much history there, and the media would start the Klaine frenzy all over again. I'm now in Ohio and I'll stay with my dad until the New Year. Over the holidays, I'm going to figure out the right thing to do… for me."
"As long as you don't go back to Vogue, I'm okay with your decision. I wouldn't want Anderson to get the better of me. Let me know what your plans are, and remember that returning to Elle is always an option in the new year."
The next afternoon, Kurt brings down all the Christmas decorations from the attic, while his father goes out and buys a Christmas tree. After dinner, Burt puts on his favorite Phil Spector Christmas album, and they start to decorate the tree.
"I wish I'd remembered to bring home mom's Christmas tree ornaments. I packed so fast that I didn't even think of it."
"Never mind, kiddo. The tree will still look great and our memories of your mother are in our hearts, where they belong. You've been quiet since you've come home. Wanna talk about it?"
Kurt nods and takes a deep breath. "Everything happened so fast this year. One day, I show up at Vogue to interview for an internship at its website department, and the next thing I know, I'm a model. After the Fashion's Night Out, my life was spinning out of control with all the media attention the video with Blaine got. Moving to Elle seemed like the only option. To be honest, quitting Elle yesterday was the right thing to do. You were right, I didn't fit in there and I didn't like what my life was becoming."
"I had an uneasy feeling when you were working at Elle. I'm glad you came to your senses and decided that the sort of lifestyle you've been leading the past few months isn't right for you. I'm proud of you, Son. It takes real courage to take yourself out of a situation you're not happy in. Remember that you're in the driver's seat in your life. You can do anything you set your mind to."
"That's the problem, Dad. I don't know what I want to do. There's always Broadway and studying at college. However, I want to figure out a way I can make modeling work while I'm still young. I think the money I can make will give me a lot of freedom when I'm ready to move on to other things. I need to find a way to choose modeling gigs that don't include Vogue."
"Have you talked to Wes yet? Isn't it his job to find you options?"
"I e-mailed Wes yesterday, asking him to send a formal contract termination notice to Elle. I think I should figure out in my own mind what I want first."
"Maybe if you explained to Wes what you did and didn't like about working at Vogue and Elle, he'll come up with some useful suggestions. I'm sure he's seen it all before."
"That's a good idea, Dad. I'll call him on Monday. Tomorrow, I already have a shopping trip with Rachel planned."
"Do you think my dads will like these sweaters?" Rachel asks, holding up one sweater with a teddy bear wearing a Christmas stocking on its head and another sporting a bedazzled Christmas tree.
"No and no. Come on, Rach. They're Jewish! Let's go take a look at the sweaters over there. Those are a lot more sophisticated and classy, just like your dads."
While Kurt waits for Rachel to buy the sweaters that has his personal stamp of approval, he can't help but notice the display of Christmas bowties. He zooms in on a red tartan bowtie with crisscrossed bands of green, white and black. It's much more sophisticated than the bowties with Christmas prints, and it would go with so many holiday outfits. It would be perfect for Blaine. Even though they aren't even speaking, Kurt can't help but buy it. Maybe Kurt will wear it on Christmas day.
When Rachel walks toward him with a shop bag, Kurt announces, "Let's hit Sears. I need another present for my dad, and you know they have the best selection of flannel shirts."
"My feet are killing me, Kurt. Can't we stop at the Lima Bean for a break? We haven't been back there yet this holiday, and we need some catching-up time. Besides, I have something important to tell you."
Kurt agrees to the respite and they drive the short distance to the Lima Bean. When they enter the coffee shop, Kurt notices that nothing has changed. There's still a crack in the bakery display cabinet and the worn tables haven't been replaced. Kurt is comforted by the idea that some places are always the same. They order their drinks and sit down at their favorite table near the window. Kurt takes a sip of his grande non-fat mocha, enjoying a moment of nostalgia.
"So with Mr. Shue spending more time in D.C., McKinley is looking for a new glee club director. I'm taking the position."
Kurt looks up and sees Rachel's smile and her concern about his reaction. "Rachel Barbra Berry, you are just full of surprises." He gives her a pointed look and adds, "I'm sure you'll be an excellent director, as long as you don't let a diva hog all the solos. Are you doing this because you want to… or are you running away from LA?"
"I don't run away from anything. You should know that, Kurt. I've decided to come home and regroup. When this job came up, I thought that if I brought a glee club to Nationals, it might open new doors for me. So, for the next six months, it feels right for me. Who knows what will come after that."
Rachel takes a sip of her soy milk green chai latte, and continues. "So have you thought about what you're going to do when you return to New York?"
"I'm not sure, Rach. I have some money saved up, and I need to have to find a new place to live. After that, I'll figure it out."
"Have you heard from Blaine recently?"
Kurt knows that Rachel is fishing at mentioning Blaine's name so that he'll think about what 'options' Blaine could provide. He wants to stay clear from that sort of conversation.
"I bumped into Blaine at a museum party last month. He looked great, but the conversation was very short. He did mention that he had just returned from a vacation in India. God, I wish I could do something like that. It sounds so much better than spending time in Lima."
"Why can't you, Kurt? You just told me that you've got money saved and no plans in New York. Why not have a vacation yourself and go to Europe – hit the top fashion cities like London, Milan and Paris."
"You know, you might be on to something, Rach. I've always wanted to travel and Paris has been on my bucket list as long as I can remember. I'll think about it. Now we've really got to get to Sears. Flannel shirts are calling my dad's name."
When Kurt returns home, he looks around to see if his dad has come home early, which he hasn't. Kurt's lips turn into a smile when he sees the Vogue issues carefully arranged on the coffee table. His dad has even framed his first cover page and hung it in the guest toilet. Who knew what his friends thought when they were doing their business on the toilet with Kurt smiling at them on the photo? Kurt has already discovered the huge stacks of extra copies in the guest bedroom closet. No wonder Blaine had to order extra copies of Vogue for Ohio.
Kurt climbs up the stairs, hides his shopping bags and stretches out on his bed. He's glad that his father isn't home from work yet, because it gives him some time to think. Rachel might have a lot of crazy ideas, but this afternoon, she had given him a good one. Why couldn't he travel? His last vacation was when he went to New York City for Nationals eighteen months ago. Before that, it was camping trips with his dad. Kurt has some money saved, and it's not like he's got anything planned. Last February, Wes had arranged for him to get his first passport, so the world could be his oyster to explore.
He quickly gets up when he hears the front door open and shut, and then heavy footsteps going up the stairs. Kurt pops his head out of his bedroom door and greets his dad. "I didn't get a chance to cook dinner. I was out with Rachel all day Christmas shopping. How does Chinese take-out sound?"
"Sounds good, kiddo. Let me shower and change, and I'll meet you downstairs."
Once the food is delivered, Kurt quickly transfers the wonton soup, steamed dumplings, braised tofu, and stir-fried vegetables into serving bowls. There's no way Kurt will eat directly out of the Chinese take-out cartons – he's got standards, after all. His dad soon joins him and they are silent as they eat dinner. Kurt laughs to himself when his dad picks up a piece of tofu, inspects it, scrunching his face, and then puts it back down.
"So how's Rachel? Did she talk your ears off?" Burt asks.
"She's good. She's staying in Lima for a while. Can you believe that she's going to take over the glee club at McKinley, now that Mr. Shue spends most of his time in D.C.?"
"Yeah, I know. I bumped into Hiram Berry at the Chief Supermarket the other day."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"What? And ruin Rachel's surprise? I thought it was better you found it out from her."
"So, Dad…. I've been thinking… You know, about what I'm going to do in January…"
"Spit it out, kiddo. You can tell me anything."
"Well, Rachel gave me an idea today."
Burt rolls his eyes. "I'm not sure I wanna hear it, but go on."
"There's nothing to say that I have to go back to New York City in January. It's not like I got a job or a place to live there. I'm thinking of taking a vacation to somewhere I've never been. See more of the world than Lima and New York City."
Burt looks up from his plate and nods. "You've been working hard this year and a vacation might be just what you need. It could be like a reset button. This vacation idea is something you should do for yourself. Only, I'm concerned that you might be running away from things... or people."
"It's not like that, Dad. I think I need time away from New York City to get a better perspective on life and where I want to go. I don't have to have everything decided at the age of nineteen. This is the time for me to experience new things."
"So, any idea of where you wanna go? The Caribbean is supposed to be warm right about now."
Kurt shakes his head, giggling. "Can you imagine me taking a beach holiday? Just think what the sun would do to my skin. I'm thinking more about going to Europe."
"Europe!" Burt says in surprise.
"Who knows when I'll be able to take a break like this again. Wes got me a passport when I started modeling, but I've never had a chance to use it. Nobody is expecting me to be in New York City in January. Even though it's the middle of the winter, I'll still have fun at the sites and museums. And the shopping! Think how amazing my scarf collection will be. Even more so than it is now."
"I'll call Hermes and warn them, then," Burt replies, resigned to the fact that Kurt will be going to Europe.
"Happy holidays, Kurt. You're still in Lima?"
"Happy holidays to you too, Wes. Yes, I'm still in Lima. I plan to be here until the new year. Thanks for sorting everything out with Elle."
"It was surprisingly easy. I thought Sebastian would give us a hard time, but he didn't. Any ideas what you want to do next?"
"I really don't know, Wes. I still want to continue modeling, but I'm not sure what my options are. I'm pretty good at burning bridges, and I'm not sure what my reputation is."
"Don't worry, Kurt. Your reputation is fine. You left Vogue when your contract was finished and you were within your rights to terminate the Elle contract. You're still in high demand."
"One thing I know for sure is that the next time I model, I want more control of what I do."
"Most models freelance and aren't under contract with one magazine or fashion house. I think this should be the way forward. You get to pick and choose the modeling jobs that you want, and the rates are very good. The only downside is that you won't have a steady income, but that won't be a problem since you are in high demand."
"That makes sense. I can be my own master and in charge of things. What I'm really thinking about now is taking a vacation in the new year. I haven't had one in a very long time. I want to get away from New York City for a while. There are too many painful memories there at the moment."
"Sounds like a good idea, Kurt. You could also use that time to really think about what type of modeling gigs you want to do. Any idea where you might go?"
"I'm not sure yet. I'm thinking about traveling to Europe. A friend suggested to hit the top fashion cities, like London, Paris and Milan. I'm really considering it. Paris has always been on my bucket list."
"Can I make a suggestion?" Wes asks.
"Go on. I'm all ears."
"Our records show that you studied French in high school."
Kurt is a little bewildered as to where the conversation is going, but he replies, "Y-y-yes. Yes, I did. I even got an 'A' in the AP class during my senior year.
Wes continues his train of thought. "Have you ever considered modeling in Paris?"
"Paris?! Is that really an option?"
"It sure is. Models are needed all over the world. With your reputation, it won't be a problem to get offers from both magazines and designers. My agency has an office in Paris. Should I contact them and see what there is on offer?"
"Why not? Go ahead, Wes. I've got nothing to lose."
During the next few days, Kurt is glued to his phone. Wes has sent him numerous e-mails about plenty of good opportunities for modeling work in Paris. Maybe this dream of combining a vacation and modeling work in Europe is really going to happen.
After reading the latest offer, Kurt bounces down the stairs to join his father in the living room. The Buck Eyes game is on in the background, but his dad's not really paying attention. His eyes are on the wood burning in the fireplace and he looks like he is deep in thought. His dad was initially supportive of him taking a vacation in Europe, but has been quiet since he relayed Wes' news about possible modeling jobs in Paris.
"Hey, buddy. I didn't hear you come down. You look pretty happy. What's up?
"Wes sent me an e-mail ten minutes ago. His agency in Paris said that Dior is looking for a fresh face for their new perfume campaign and they're very interested in me."
"That's great, son. Those perfume ads in Vogue don't seem very risqué."
"You read Vogue?" Kurt asks, in a disbelieving voice.
"You know, the issues that you were in. I looked at every page to make sure that I didn't miss you in a photo. I might have seen an ad or two. Didn't read any of the articles, mind you. I'm really happy for you."
"You say you're happy for me, but you don't look happy. What's going on, Dad?"
"I can understand why you want a fresh start, but is there any other reason you want outta New York City?"
Kurt isn't surprised that his dad has asked him the question. His dad has always had this special way of reading him so easily.
"Okay, Dad. Yes, Blaine is part of the reason. In spite of everything that has happened, I still love him. I can't help it. It's so hard to be in New York City without him. Every time I do something fun, I think about how much Blaine would it enjoy it too. Every time I do things I would rather not, I wonder what Blaine is doing instead. I can't stop thinking about him. I want him, but I don't know how to fix things between us. Distance might help me sort out my feelings, one way or the other."
"Relax, son. You're still young. If you are meant to be together, you'll find a way back to each other. Everything will work out the way it should be in the end. Who knows? You might find a French guy that knocks your socks off."
Kurt laughs at the thought of meeting Jacques and Pierres, speaking English with cute accents.
"Just promise me one thing, buddy. Don't stay in Paris forever. I don't know what I would do if…"
Kurt jumps up and gives his dad a big hug. "Never. We have always had each other and that's the way it's going to be. There are vacations and birthdays and Christmas…"
"Dior's willing to wait until early February to start the photo shoot. They'll also give you 10% in advance to help you settle in Paris. Louis Dubois will be your local agent in Paris and he can fill you in on the details closer to that time."
"Wow. That's great, Wes. I've already booked the flight. When I arrive, the first thing I need to do is sort out somewhere to live."
"I've got news on that front as well. Louis knows how young you are and doesn't feel comfortable putting you in one of the apartments they have to house their models. There are people coming and going all the time, and it can get pretty wild at night."
"Louis doesn't think I can handle it?" Kurt asks.
"It's not that, but you said yourself that sort of lifestyle isn't what you're after. Louis has a great aunt who has a spare bedroom in her home. It's on the top floor, so you'll have plenty of privacy. It's in a very central location in the smart part of Paris. He's asked his Auntie Line to take you under her wings, so to speak."
"I kind of like the idea of living in someone's home for a while. It will give me a chance to see how the French live. I can also brush up on my French."
"It doesn't have to be forever. It's just a place to tide you over until you figure out where you want to live."
"Tell Louis I'll take him up on the offer. Can he e-mail me her contact details? I'll need to tell her when I'm arriving. Just one more thing…. Will Louis now be my agent?"
"Louis will be your local agent for work in Paris. I'll still be in charge of your account. I'll be involved in finding opportunities for you, no matter where you are."
"Good. I like having you on my side."
"There's one last thing I want to talk to you about, Kurt. It's Blaine. When Blaine finds out that you have left Elle, which won't be announced until January 1st, he's going to call me to find out what happened at Elle and what you're doing now. Blaine is going to find out sooner rather than later that you're in Paris – the fashion world is actually pretty small. I'd like to tell him where you are. I feel I owe him that much, although I won't tell him about the circumstances around you quitting Elle."
"Yes, of course. Tell Blaine, but make sure that it's not until after January 1st. That's the same day that I fly to Paris, so it won't matter much."
Kurt does his best to get all his essential outfit pieces squeezed into four suitcases. Kurt has sent a list of items that he needed to Wes, who arranged for them to be delivered to Lima. The rest of his items in New York City were placed in storage. Once the suitcases are closed up and weighed, Kurt feels ready for his flight to Paris the next day.
Kurt can't help but think about Blaine and wonders if the distance between them is a good thing or not. He's heard through the grapevine that Sam hasn't renewed his Vogue contract and has moved to LA. So, Blaine was honest with him when he said that he and Sam were no longer an item. TSo much has happened since the Klainegate video went viral, and Kurt is not sure how they can make it back to each other.
Kurt pulls out his tablet and goes onto Twitter to see what's happening at the end of the year. He looks at tweets under #BlaineAnderson. There's a photo of the Anderson family on Christmas day – Blaine and his father are wearing traditional Indian shirts and a pashmina is wrapped around his mother's shoulders. Kurt takes a closer look at Blaine and his father, for they look so alike in many ways. What surprises Kurt most is that they all look genuinely happy. Maybe Blaine had overblown the strained relationship with his father. Kurt reads the description underneath, Merry Christmas from Westerville.
Kurt realizes that Blaine was in Ohio for Christmas, just a few hours away from Lima. Is Blaine still there or did he return to New York for the New Year's Eve celebrations? Kurt's fingers are itching to pick up his phone and call Blaine. This would be the last chance to talk to him before leaving for Paris.
But what would he say? Would it change things between them? In the back of his mind, he thinks about what Cooper had told him last month at the Whitney Art Party. Don't call him unless he really means something to you and without a substantial commitment.
Kurt is certainly not quite there yet - not able to make a substantial commitment to Blaine. He wonders whether he will ever be that confident in his feelings about Blaine again. He puts down the phone and goes to the living room to spend time with his dad… And to resist the temptation of calling Blaine.
"Six hours ahead. We can Skype before 5pm in Lima, but if it's really important, call me anytime."
"Relax, Kurt. I've got it. You've left the sticky note on the computer to remind me. Now call me when you land. I wanna know that you're safe."
Kurt laughs at his father's words. Playing it safe hasn't always worked out for him, either in Lima or in New York.
"I sure will. I'm going to miss you, Dad," Kurt whispers as he holds his father tight, trying to memorize the feeling of his safe harbor, the person who would always help him in both the good times and the bad."
Kurt feels he has to leave now, before he breaks down into tears. He extends the handle of his carry-on suitcase and quickly rushes to the airport security line. Once the TSA official has checked his passport and ticket, he takes one final look at his dad before moving on to his great new adventure.
Author's notes
Thank you to Lilyvandersteen, the most fabulous beta ever, although all mistakes are mine. Come visit me a Tumblr (HKVoyage) for the story artwork and my thoughts when writing this chapter.
I hope that everyone has a wonderful New Year. I promise that Kurt won't be in Paris forever.
Next up: Blaine is in Ohio for Christmas and has a meaningful talk with his father.
