A/N: Hello and apologies for it being so long. I truly appreciate the favorites, follows, and reviews I had received. Please forgive any typos in this chapter, especially towards the end as my R key tends to stick a bit and I have an infant screaming in my ear about the tummy time I have forced upon him.
The palace was not exactly a welcome sight for Kel as she dismounted in front of the Own's stables. Since Lerant's comments about Kas leaving her for a woman that could give him a family, she had been building up the courage to tell him she wanted to break things off. She knew very well that Kas wasn't using her and he certainly wasn't about to leave her. His letters indicated he had no plans of leaving her at all in the near future. But it wasn't fair to Kas that she was gone for months at a time. It wasn't fair to him that she wouldn't be the woman that stayed home and produced children while he worked. It wasn't fair to him that there was a chance she wouldn't return home one day. He deserved better than that.
Despite Dom's pressing her to write Kas and tell him her doubts, she had only written him about their progress. Perhaps it made her weak, not being able to at least write her doubts to her sweetheart, but her heart had ached at the thought of what she wanted to ask him to do. And maybe it wasn't fair that she hadn't given him warning so he could prepare arguments, but she didn't want him to have arguments ready. A few words from him and she'd likely break and he'd make himself miserable well before he realized she wasn't the one he needed.
She had spent the rest of the ride home trying to figure out what exactly she wanted to say. She had been working through the points of her argument so he would understand how the future might look for the two of them if they did continue on. She had needed that time and she knew she needed the few hours before the feast they were required to attend that evening to finish building that argument into something solid.
"Kel!" She heard Kas' voice as they stopped in front of the Own's stables at the palace, and she felt her traitorous heart start to beat hard, not in anxiety for what she wanted to do, but because even now she was happy to see him. She turned from Hoshi to see him half running and half trying to restrain himself as he approached her. "Kel," he repeated her name as he closed the distance between them completely and slipped his arms around her.
The scent of him hit her hard and the warmth of him against her even through all of her winter gear had her relaxing into his hold. She had forgotten how nicely she fit in his arms, how right it felt to be against him. Her arms gained a mind of their own as they wrapped around him.
"What are you doing here?" She asked as he clutched her closer. Had he been waiting for her at the palace? She felt terrible if he had been. She could have been home sooner. She could have ridden ahead of the group, but she had chosen to stay back.
"I'm here to escort my beautiful lady knight tonight," he told her happily. "And I had the wonderful task of delivering a glaive to his Highness before Longnight gifts were delivered."
"Kas!" Dom called to him and Kel felt her eyes narrow as Dom trotted over. What would he need Kas for? "I know you likely want to sweep Kel away to somewhere private, but can I borrow you for a moment? She needs to take care of Hoshi and Peachblossom anyway."
"I'll be right back," Kas assured her as he bent to press his lips to her temple.
She watched him go briefly and then set to work stabling her mounts and grooming them. When she stepped out of Peachblossom's stall at long last, Kas was waiting with her gear and a strained smile.
"I have my clothes for tonight in your rooms so we can spend some time together privately while we get ready," he explained. "I tried to talk his Highness out of making us go tonight so we could have a less public reunion and you had time to settle in and rest but he was insistent." He scooped up her saddlebags and the basket that held her spare clothes before offering her his other arm.
She only nodded in response, trying to maintain her resolve while she walked on his arm into the palace and towards her room. Kas made no more attempts to speak to her and she guessed he was possibly nervous about what the evening would bring at the palace or perhaps he was worried by her lack of response to him. At her rooms she opened the door and watched him walk past her into her bedroom to deposit her belongings. Then he was walking back to her.
"I'll go find someone to bring you up a bath so you can thaw out and soak a little before we need to get ready," he told her, stopping to kiss her brow before leaving the room altogether.
Kel watched him go, staring after him. He was making things difficult and he didn't even know it. Perhaps it was unfair to ambush him with it. Perhaps they did need to speak about, but she wasn't sure when would be a good time. It was Midwinter. They would be attending parties and feasts together per Roald's orders. To agree to stop seeing each other at any point in there almost seemed worse. But drawing it out to get through the holiday celebrations was likely far more horrible. It was best she did it right away. Roald would understand why neither of them attended then. He couldn't possibly hold them to the order if he knew they had stopped courting.
Kas returned before long and she had removed her winter gear to wait in her shirt and breeches for the bath and to be somewhat comfortable while she spoke to Kas. But Kas didn't give her much of a chance to talk. He filled the time it took the bath to arrive with his description of the glaive he had made for Roald to give to Shinko and how things were going at the forge. He spoke of the people seeking out his work and the possibility of needing to take on apprentices.
Once the servants had left the bath, Kas stopped talking about his work and made sure the door was locked tight before he turned back to Kel. "I need your help understanding something," he sighed as he looked her over.
"Another problem with the glaives?" Kel asked as she felt warnings ringing in her mind. It felt like an ambush she would have expected had she written him about her doubts and yet there was no way he would know what she wanted to ask of him.
"No. Nothing about glaives," he stepped closer to her. "I want to know why in Mithros' name would Dom ask me what I planned to say to you about you wanting to stop courting when all of the letters I received from you gave no such indications. In fact, the last letter I received led me to believe quite the opposite and I only received that a week ago. So, perhaps, you might be able to tell me why Dom might be inclined to believe you want to stop courting." He had closed the distance between them so she could look nowhere but him and Kel knew it would be churlish to look away.
"If Dom was so inclined to get involved then perhaps he told you my reasoning as well?" Kel felt the words leave with a bite she didn't expect and it was clear Kas didn't either as he frowned.
"He didn't tell me anything about it. What did I do wrong, Love?" His voice softened.
Kel stared up into his dark eyes almost searching to see if Kas was lying about not knowing, but there was no indication he had any idea. She simply saw panic and distress reflecting from the depths and it hurt more than she thought it would.
"It's not what you did wrong," Kel sighed. "It's that I'm not what you need."
"Kel, no. You are exactly what I need," his hands closed on her waist and immediately his thumbs started to rub along her hips in a soothing way.
"I don't think I am. One day you may want a wife and children. Have you stopped to consider what that might look like with me?" She thought for a moment she'd see something like realization dawn on him and he'd see reason. But instead she saw his eyes glaze with a joy that almost thrilled her in a way though she knew it should terrify her. She didn't want him thinking of some idealist future with her giving him children and staying home.
"Kel, you would be a wonderful mother," he breathed out after a moment.
"I'd be a mother that is never around and often in danger. I'd be a mother and a wife with a chance of never returning home," she stopped explaining herself only because Kas was kissing her.
"Don't think for one moment that I have been unaware you may not return when you leave. You unintentionally made that clear when you last came home. And there have been days over the last few months that I have worried about you until I can only hope I get a letter soon." He buried his face against her neck. "But also don't think for one moment that I am going to let you leave based on that alone."
"But what about the future, when you want marriage and children?" She tried to keep her resolve but her own body was betraying her as she leaned into him.
"Last I checked, a Lady Knight could still marry. Your occupation won't keep you from that if we decide to take this further in the future. And as far as children, I don't believe I'm even ready to discuss them yet. I just became a Master and am still establishing myself." He brushed his lips against her neck. "Are we settled then?" He asked as he reached for the hem of her shirt.
"Delaying addressing my concerns until we have to be faced with them will only make this harder," Kel informed him as he helped her out of her shirt.
"Then answer one thing for me, Love," Kas stopped tugging at her clothes and tilted her chin to make her look into his eyes once more. "Do you love me?"
"Yes," Kel couldn't lie, not about that.
"Then I see no reason for us to part ways right now. Stopping courting just because of what may or may not possibly hurt us is no way to live." He bent to kiss her once more and Kel felt all of the fight go out of her. He was right even if she did want to try and spare him any future pain. "Now, into the bath and then we'll get ready for whatever this evening holds together."
Three hours later Kel found herself glaring as the last person to join their table sat. Roald likely had helped Master Oakbridge with the seating charts as Kel and Kas had been sat with Neal, Yuki, Buri, and Raoul. But their table numbered seven and Dom joining them in his parade gear told her why they had an odd numbered table. If Dom noticed her glare, he masked it well by turning to speak with Neal while Kas covered her hand with his own and gave it a squeeze.
Already Kas had had his anxieties over the evening and future feasts and parties of Midwinter quelled as several high ranking guildsmen had come to chat with him and offer quiet greetings to Kel. With no one even glancing at him beyond that, he had settled in easily and had turned his attention to Kel in enough time to notice the object of her anger.
"Don't be too angry with him, Love. He was simply looking out for us," Kas murmured in her ear.
"Looking out for us or not, he went around me and what I wanted to speak to you about. You should have heard things from me, not him," she murmured back.
"Is there a reason we are whispering?" Raoul asked, his whisper loud enough to go across the table. It drew Dom, Neal, and Yuki's attention to the couple while a thump under the table told Kel Buri had tried to kick Raoul's leg.
"Sir, Kas and I were simply debating telling you about Dom's longing to learn how to tilt from you when the lanes are open again," Kel spared one glance at her friend before looking back to find Raoul grinning at Dom.
"Ah, yes, I've heard about this longing before I believe from several of your former squad mates. I thought they might be pulling my leg but with Kel confirming it, it must be true," he chuckled as Dom's smile faltered slightly. "We'll make plans this spring about your tilting education. Perhaps you could bag a giant or two yourself with proper tilting practice."
"If you don't mind me asking, My Lord," Yuki spoke up in his accented Common. "I've always wanted to hear about how you first came by the title of Giantkiller."
Raoul had no problems telling the entire table the true story of how he had taken down his first giant and then his second one which brought Kel into the story of how she had commanded Dom's squad in taking down her first killing device in the same battle. No one pressed for more from Kel about the other killing devices knowing exactly where that story went. Instead, Neal turned to Kas and pressed him for information regarding the glaive he had made for Shinko which had both Yuki and Buri interested. Their insights on the possible market for the designed glaives kept them all entertained until the feast was over and they made their way to the party that followed.
At the party Kas was pulled away by his fellow guildsmen to be introduced about to the leaders and higher ups of other guilds, leaving Kel to face down Dom.
"I take it you are unhappy with me since you sentenced me to death tonight," he told her as he raised an eyebrow at her.
"Jousting with Raoul won't necessarily kill you. I survived his training and he's never killed a man on the lanes. One had a cracked skull but that was all," she shrugged.
"Be that as it may," Dom narrowed his eyes on her. "I thought you had written to Kas and had told him your concerns. If I had known you hadn't, I wouldn't have talked to him about it at all."
Kel didn't necessarily believe he would have stayed out of it. Likely he would have sent Kas a letter warning him if he knew she hadn't offered the man warning. That, or he would have warned Kas to keep their conversation quiet and lie about what had been said between them. Dom did seem to have a way of meddling in her relationship. Most of the time it seemed to be some way of helping her but now it was starting to push her limits.
"Dance with me?" Dom asked holding out a hand to her. "You deserve to dance and Kas will be talking for a while, I bet." He nodded in Kas' direction where the man in question was talking away with several older men.
"This doesn't mean I forgive you," Kel told him as she took his hand.
"Of course it doesn't," Dom teased as he swept her out onto the dance floor. They found a space settled into the steps of one of the more popular court dances. "I take it he soothed some of your worries if you are both on such wonderful terms," Dom started once they were settled into the dance.
"I wouldn't call my worries soothed, just put off until later," Kel sighed. "I don't think he really understands. If Raoul asks me to take his place then I won't be in much of a position to stay and raise a family. Even if he doesn't ask me to take his place one day, I only just took my place as a field knight. I don't want to become a desk knight in Corus so quickly."
"You already know Raoul wants you to take his place," Dom told her firmly. "But it's your decision. And if you end up wanting children, I know you'd be the only person that could somehow make it all work. No, it wouldn't be easy, but happiness is never easy."
"And what if it doesn't work out, Dom? What if he realizes it's too difficult to be married or have a family with me?" She admitted her insecurities to him. She saw something spark in his blue eyes before he gave her a smile she had never seen before. It was small but tender and loving.
"Then you have me, Kel. If ever he turns you down, you have me." He stopped dancing then, bent over her hand, and placed a soft kiss against her skin before he left her standing among the other dancers. Kel stared after him for all of a moment before she turned to see no one else had noticed the exchange. She wasn't sure if she was happy that no one had noticed or frustrated that she had no one to go figure out whatever that had been with. Still confused, she pulled herself away from the other dancers and went to stand with Kas who simply tugged her in against him while he continued his conversation.
Kel didn't have a chance to speak with Dom about what had happened through the rest of Midwinter. While he sat at their table each night at the feasts, no opportunity arose to speak about what he had meant and he never seemed to be available to speak at the parties after.
Kel knew she could try and discuss it with others but it seemed bad form to tell it to Kas who was her constant companion throughout the entire holiday and Neal would likely not give her a straight answer if he did know what it had been about. She didn't feel she could turn to Yuki because the Yamani would likely tell Neal and Neal would then get involved somehow and still never give her a straight answer and then likely would go to Dom about it. No one else seemed close enough to the situation to be able to give her the insight she wanted, so she said nothing to anyone. In the end, only Dom could answer the question truthfully and he was avoiding her.
She wasn't sure she wanted to know what those words meant or what that look had truly been. The very small part of her heart that had been stuck on Dom since she had met him throbbed almost painfully at what it viewed the implication of the look with those words to be. But common sense told her it had to be wrong. Dom had been the one shoving her and Kas together. He couldn't possibly have more than friendly thoughts about her. But still it made her wonder.
Long Night gifts were exchanged on the morning of the third day of the holiday as was tradition and Kel presented Kas with a beautifully made leather apron for his work in the forge, a new sketch book and writing kit for his work, and a book she had found in Pearlmouth about different blacksmithing techniques from different countries. Kas had given her a beautifully made long sword with her crest stamped both under the cross guards and into the sheath. She had no doubts he had made the blade himself and thanked him profusely.
"Like I said, I got a good idea of your style with the sword that morning watching you and Dom spar," he had murmured in her ear before he had pulled her back to bed that morning.
Other gifts had come both to her and to Kas from others in the palace. Roald, Shinko, Raoul, Neal, and Yuki had all sent gifts to the two of them and Kel was quite pleased she had added Kas' name to the gifts she had sent her friends before they had gone out. He hadn't seemed to think of getting gifts for anyone else connected to her until he had received gifts himself. It had sent Kas into a small panic until Kel had revealed what she had done.
Only Dom's gift sat still wrapped until the end of the holiday. Kel wasn't sure why she was avoiding the small box and Kas didn't question why it sat still wrapped on her desk. It was likely he believed she was still angry at Dom for going around her.
As Midwinter ended, Kas begged her to come stay at his place for a while as he had to return to work. The glaive Roald had commissioned for Shinko had been unveiled to the morning glaive training group the fourth morning of Midwinter and by the end of the holiday Kas already had orders for three more set in place.
Kel saw him off to the forge the first morning after the holiday with plans to join him that evening, and then went back to her rooms. She avoided it for most of the morning before she finally turned her attention to the package no larger than her hand that contained Dom's gift to her. She carefully unfolded the paper and opened the box to reveal two identical charms the size of her palm with a piece of paper.
For you and Kas to use while you are separated on calls.
-The most wonderful and modest Captain of the Own and best friend ever
Kel examined the charms and then turned her attention to the paper. Her heart started to pound as she realized the charms were simply very good speech and listening spells laid together. Once activated they would be able to speak to each other almost anywhere in Tortall. The range on the charms meant Dom had spent quite a bit of money on them.
It was with a sigh of relief that Kel realized what Dom must have meant that night. He had simply been telling her that if Kas and she went their own ways, he'd be there to comfort her as any good friend would. Her worries had been wrongly misplaced. But even if that had been all Dom had meant, she still couldn't get that look he had given her out of her head.
She resolved to clear it up with him when she saw him next and gathered up the charms to take down to Kas' apartment that night with the other belongings she was planning to bring. They would have to test the charms themselves to see how exactly they worked but if the charms worked right, they would at least ease Kas' worries about her when she was away. He wouldn't have to wait for a letter whenever she was away on a call and he was worried about her. She would make sure Dom knew she was grateful for that much as well.
With that in mind, Kel gathered up her new sword and made for the indoor practice courts hoping Dom might be out practicing as well.
A/N: I don't know where I'm going with this yet and I don't know how long it will be until I can get another chapter written. I'm sorry but I hope you will all keep reading.
