CHAPTER TWO: Why Sara Came Back

How could Sara stay?

"Don't you deserve to be happy, Sara?" Julie Finlay asked gently.

Sara started to answer but stammered to a halt. "I…" She tried again. "That's not something…not something I've come to expect, to be honest. Not to sound pitiful, but I haven't had a very happy life. My childhood was screwed up. And I've been through some significant trauma in my adulthood. I've been happy for short periods of time, but…in my experience it doesn't last."

Finn reached around Sara's shoulder and gave her a sympathetic squeeze. Sara curled her fingers around Julie's hand and squeezed back in gratitude.

"Tell me about when you were happy."

"When Gil and I…when he finally admitted he had feelings for me, and we started dating. That was a golden time and a dream come true. It only took 6 years!"

"Six years, from…?

"From when I moved here from San Francisco."

Finn sat back and gave her a look of surprise and a low whistle. "Then it really must have been hard to leave in the first place," Julie said. "Because you and Grissom were together."

"It was and it wasn't. I had a…mental breakdown. I'm sure you know about that serial killer, and my 'ordeal,' right?" Sara asked.

"That nutcase who made miniatures of her crime scenes? Yes, I've read about that. Even in Seattle it was a top story," the blonde CSI answered.

"Huh. I suppose. It's not what I would have chosen to be known for, but it happened. It was a near thing. Another few hours and I would have died of exposure out there in the desert." Sara paused, remembering. Finn was respectfully silent. "I broke my arm in 2 places, and I was in rough shape from dehydration and heat stroke. But once my body healed…my mind didn't. I kept seeing Natalie in every shadow. Kept dreaming about her, and waking up screaming. So I stopped sleeping completely. And that makes a mind unravel pretty quickly. PTSD and deep depression and…well, let's just say there is a history of mental illness in my family."

"Mental illness runs in a lot of families. I don't know anyone whose life has not been touched by it in some way," Julie said sympathetically.

"I'm glad you understand," Sara responded, with a thin smile. "It's my mother. She is in a care facility now in Nevada. I moved her here from California. That's another reason to stay and make a steady income. Those places are really expensive. Or they are horrible snake pits run by the state…"Sara trailed off, remembering the hellhole she had rescued Laura from. "Hey, here's something about me not many people know."

"What's that?" Finn asked, thinking herself lucky to learn so much from such a private person.

"My last name, Sidle. It's my mother's maiden name. My father was abusive. When he died, my mother and I both changed our names back."

"Huh. So you chose not to take Grissom's name either?"

"I considered it, but really, there is only one Grissom in the lab. No one can compare to him or replace him. It didn't feel right answering my phone as 'Grissom.' Really I wanted to be known as CSI Sidle, not just as his wife."

"Got it." Julie nodded.

"Gil and I had been romantically involved for 2 years, and no one knew, but when I was kidnapped it came out. One of us had to change shifts. So we were apart, even though we were together, when I needed him most! Sometimes our shifts would overlap, but mostly we were like ships in the night." Sara blew out a breath, shaking her head. "I swore I'd never come back. I never would have believed I could do this work again. I needed help, and when I found some professional help it saved me. Then Grissom told me Natalie hanged herself in prison. That gave me a sliver of sanity. It is a challenge, don't get me wrong. It's a challenge to myself to conquer that fear. Overcome being the victim…and not give up or run away again. When we get a really tough case I tell myself I didn't give up, that day, out there in the desert. Nothing can be worse than that day. Sometimes it seems we don't make a difference…"

"But we have to believe we do make a difference," Julie broke in. "It's important work we do, Sara."

"I agree. Grissom and I…we had synchronicity on the job. I loved working with him, and I miss him. But sometimes…he was judgmental, or oblivious to everything around him but the case. Sometimes he criticized me for getting involved emotionally in my cases. In fact that was one of the last things he said to me, before I walked off the job."

"What did he say?"

"Sometimes…a case can get under your skin." Sara said, making air quotes. "But you can't let it make you feel bad."

"Hm. It sounds like he was trying to be supportive," Finn supplied. "But at the same time it is kind of…condescending…is that the word?"

"Yes! Thank you." Sara said emphatically. "This was after we worked shoulder to shoulder for seven years. I'm a woman. I can't help getting emotional!"

"Damn hormones," Finn joked, and they shared a sisterly laugh.

"It's tough to work for your boyfriend, you know? Well you sort of know, dating Detective Moreno…"

"Yeah, that was a train wreck, wasn't it?" Finn smirked and rolled her eyes. "But I wasn't living with him. And he was a cop, not my supervisor."

"Exactly," Sara agreed. "He and I are stubborn, and I have a temper, and sometimes we got into it about the job and sometimes that spilled over into our home life. You can't just flip a switch when you go home. So…in a way…it's easier for me to do this job without Supervisor Grissom looking over my shoulder. Catherine let me work with my personality, not in spite of it."

"Interesting."

"I always always worked for Grissom's approval. I did everything but set fire to his chair to get him to notice me! If he gave me a compliment or a smile I'd be doing cartwheels all the way home!" The CSIs chuckled. "With Catherine supervising, and now D.B., I feel more like...an equal. More stable emotionally. And as an old-timer I can boss the newbies like you around."

Finn smiled at the jibe. "Nah. You're not bossy. Supportive, yes."

"Thank you. No offense, but you got a little bossy during that multiple at Frank's Diner."

"I did?" the blonde CSI asked.

"Yeah. You told us all to clear out so you could work the blood spatter," Sara told her calmly.

"Oh. I did, you're right. Sorry."

"It's okay. Just thought I'd mention it, while we're on the subject." Sara shrugged. "Now I can…could…tell Grissom anything, without his criticism. All about my day, my cases, how I'm feeling and the funny little things that happen. He can tell me about his life too, in our marathon phone calls and Skype conversations and texts and emails. We've fallen out of that habit, but if he and I both worked at it again? I think it would make a big difference. "

"So your marriage isn't over?" Julie Finlay asked.

"No," Sara shook her head decisively. "It's not. No way. We're not divorced or even formally separated. I see it as a major setback, sure, but I have to believe in fixing it. I believe in us. It's only gone downhill these past few months. He started dodging my calls and I admit I did the same. He was being very abrupt and cold when we finally connected. Something happened that he won't talk about. And it started at the same time that bastard Basderic was stalking me and trying to destroy me. You can't tell me that's just a coincidence!"

Finn nodded in agreement. "You're right. Nick and Greg and I did figure out that he was hacking into your emails."

"Yes, he told me the same, to my face. And he claimed to have Grissom's number on speed dial. Who knows what lies he was feeding my husband?"

"I can only imagine."

"It's going to take some work to repair, no doubt about it. Gil's in a very remote location now. He doesn't even know about my being framed for Taylor's murder, not the whole story anyway. Communication is spotty. It would take days to reach his work station. When he gets back to civilization I'm going to go see him and we will talk this out."

"Sounds like that's what you need to do."

"Yeah. I've worked too hard to keep us together before. And I'm not giving up without a fight this time either. I have to hang on to that hope. And I can only hope that if we were happy once, we can be happy again."

2 of 3

A/N Thank you for your reviews! It's been such a long time since I heard from some of you. Each one is much appreciated.