Chapter 17
Germany spent his days at Russia's home in solitude. Toris never spoke, and after a month or so of him living there, the Lithuanian died. Russia appeared unmoved. He simply ordered Germany to go out and bury the former nation before he attracted larger animals.
Over time, Germany learned to hunt for himself rather than share with Russia. He caught one scrawny animal for the greater nation, then he found something else or gathered some leaves off trees he knew were safe to eat from. Russia never let him share, so that was the only way to keep surviving.
After all, Germany was truly Ludwig now.
Russia quickly made it clear for Ludwig that if he were to become mortal, he would be kicked out. "This is not place for traitorous, destructive men. If you are no longer a nation, then you will have to leave my country immediately, or I will kill you," Russia told him.
He never forgot that. Soon after that day, LUdwig felt the final pieces of his nation crumble. For two days, he hid outside the cave so the Russian would not see him fall. He knew that if he was given the time to recover from the initial pain, he would be able to hide his fall from Russia, but if not, then he would probably die, whether it was from the pain or by Russia's hands, he did not yet know.
For two days and two nights, Ludwig curled in a ball under the leaves almost a mile from the cave. Knives raked at his insides, and black spots crawled across his vision. Images of his people dying flashed through his head like videos clips over and over again. He knew these people, each and every one of them. Sickness was taking their lives, along with fires and heat strokes. Sun burned their flesh. It was only a matter of time before the great north was like that too. The people living near the coast where Denmark once stood were drowned as water levels rose again in a storm. The people of Berlin were wasting away, giving up hope on Germany.
Ludwig cried.
He wasn't sure that he had ever done such a thing before, but he welcomed it. It released the pain into the air around him and let his sorrows out. All the cries of his people filled the night air in those desolate Russian lands. He didn't care anymore if Russia found out about him; all he knew was pain. He was one with his people but being severed from them at the same time. His pain doubled theirs, and he let out another scream.
What Ludwig did not know was that Russia knew. Russia watched the whole time as Germany fell, and he didn't do a single thing. He only watched as Ludwig writhed in the leaves and tore at his face with his dirty nails. His toes dug into the dirt and kicked up debris.
"Make it stop!" He howled. He had never felt such pain, even when his country threatened collapse. Those days he felt extreme paranoia to the point his leader would keep him locked away so that he would not go out and harm someone. Ludwig wished he felt that now. The overwhelming fear was better than this torture. He felt the world crumble underneath him as he fell through miles and miles of dark nothingness. Even the stars were gone now. He felt hot, no, cold! and he shivered. Winds howled around him, carrying the screams to the four corners of the earth. Everyone would hear the men and women dying, everyone would feel it. Yet, Ludwig felt oddly alone, as if those screams were hitting the corners and bouncing back straight to him so that his ears were the only ones catching the howls of pain and death. No one else would know it like he did. Ludwig was alone now, and all the pain in the world was his to bear. His lungs filled with water and he gasped for a breath that was not there. But air did fill his lungs, even if he didn't feel it. He was a fish on land now: not a man, not a nation. He was a strange creature that did not belong anywhere. He wondered briefly if he was a demon of pain, but then all thought left him and he was consumed by another wave of agony, this one filled with every painful moment of his life flashing before his swollen, white eyes.
When the two days passed and it was all over, he lay twitching on the ground. Ludwig felt nothing but a slight tingling in his toes. Russia was gone now, not wanting the German ex-nation to see him. Ludwig sat up. Real breaths of air filled him as he gasped and rubbed his bleeding face.
Then he looked around.
"I'm still alive," he murmured. "This must be what Prussia felt." Then he remembered his brother and closed his eyes, trying to feel the warm connection to his brother across the ocean.
But it was not there.
Germany stared at the ground. Is he gone? Is Prussia really gone? His blank eyes grew wild, filling with bright blue once again. Gilbert can't be gone! He was safe! He stayed with America in a home that was never bombed! That was the last message America sent before connection was lost between two continents, but Ludwig always reached out to his brother, feeling him there. The connection was weak because Gilbert was human and could not use the magic, but- Ludwig's heart stopped. I'm human. I can't search for him anymore. I can't tell if he is out there.
The thought scared his but also conforted Ludwig. Even if he could not know for sure, there would always be a chance his little brother would be alive.
As the sun rose again, Ludwig mustered up the strength to stand and walk back to the cave. Along the way, he collected some leaves he and Russia could eat. When he got back, he would explain he went on a hunting expedition and knew he could not come back until he caught something, but he did not want to leave Russia alone, so he eventually collected some plants he knew were safe and headed back.
Ludwig was famished, but oddly not hungry. His appetite was missing, and he felt faintly nauseous when he looked at the food he was bringing back.
Must be from the pain, he mused and continued on his way.
Russia was sitting in the front area of the cave when he returned. "Ah! Old friend, you are back!" Russia smiled when Ludwig stepped inside.
Ludwig managed a nod of his head. "Hallo. I was hunting and decided not to return without food. I could not find meat, but I know these plants are safe, and I knew you would not want to be alone with Toris gone, so I decided to return."
Russia shook his head, his eyes dark. "You should not have been gone so long. With Toris gone, I will not tolerate being alone at any time. We will hunt together now." Russia stood.
Germany dipped his head. "Very well."
A few more weeks passed like that, with Ludwig and Russia hunting together. The German slowly lost more weight as Russia took most of the food. He could not sneak anything anymore, and Russia was not more giving. He kept most of the food to himself and gave Ludwig a leg or another small scrap of meat from the animals they hunted. Some days they found nothing and returned to the cave with growling bellies. With each passing day, Russia spent more and more time in his area at the back of the cave. Ludwig wondered what the Russian did back there, but he never dared to venture to the back of the cave and look.
But it didn't keep him from wanting to know.
Not long after the winter finally set in and the temperatures drop a few degrees to something not quite cool, Russia woke Ludwig up and told him he was going hunting alone.
"Don't leave or I will find you," Russia threatened as he left.
An hour later, Germany finally got up and paced about the cave. He one again remembered the long times RUssia spent in solitude in the back of the cave. He glanced out of the cave, and, when he was sure RUssia wasn't going to suddenly pop out of one of the bushes and watch him go to the back of the cave, Ludwig picked up a stick and lit it on fire. He carried the burning branch to the back of the cave. A minute or so later he found them. The writings. Russia has scrawled in a brownish ink all across the walls, telling stories and repeating them many times over. At first, each tale was vivid and clear. Ludwig read about every battle from Russia's perspective and why he wanted to start the war, but as he progressed the stories were retold in murkier ways. The writing was sloppy, and the words mixed up. They were told in slightly different ways, making Russia look worse in every one.
He's going insane, Ludwig noted. He spun around and fled to the front of the cave. He doused the flaming stick and threw it under some leaves so that Russia would not see it.
Russia never suspected a thing.
But he also didn't come home with any food. This was three days now with nothing.
Several days passed, and Russia continued to hunt alone. Ludwig amused himself with some of the writings occasionally, and other times he carved pictures into sticks. Russia continued to come home with nothing, but while Ludwig grew thinner, Russia did not. He hardly seemed fazed when he came home with nothing and would simply smile at the German before retreating to the back of the cave for the rest of the night. Each day was like that, and Ludwig knew he had a very short time left before he died. The water supply was running low, and he didn't risk leaving the cave to find something. Russia was crazy, and he didn't doubt the brute would kill him if given the chance.
He thought that was going to happen that evening when Russia returned. He threw his hunting stick down and growled as he swept across the cave floor. He let out a howl of frustration and glared at Ludwig.
"Get out of my way," he growled. "And don't ever say a word."
Ludwig said nothing as he stepped aside. To his good fortune, Russia went straight to the back of the cave. Things crashed, and Ludwig listened as Russia spat out nonsensical syllables. The only words that made sense to him were: "General Winter is dead!" and "Belarus will come back!"
He heard those words many times throughout the night. Ludwig hardly dared to sleep, so he lied awake listening to Russia scream and slam his fist into things. Eventually, the Russian grew silent.
Ludwig waited in the morning to stand aside as Russia passed on his way out to the hunt, but morning came and went and Russia never came out. Ludwig didn't hear so much as a sound from the back of the cave as he waited through noon and into the after.
It was only a few hours before sundown when there was finally some movement, but this time it was not from the back of the cave, nor was it from Russia.
Ludwig whirled around when he hear the crunching of leaves and heaving of breaths. There, in the entrance of the cave, stood Romano. Ludwig's eyes widened.
"Germany." Romano glared at the German. Although Ludwig was used to the coldness of the Italian, he was almost surprised to be welcomed with it. For a split moment, he saw the Italian and thought of Veneziano. He nearly smiled, but let it fall when he saw the glare and remembered it was Romano.
Ludwig replied with a cold stare, "Romano."
"Bastard! Where is Feliciano?" Romano's eyes darted around the cave, filling with tears when he didn't see his younger brother.
Ludwig heard something stir in the back of the cave. "Shut up," he quickly hissed at the Italian.
Romano flinched. "Why?"
"Get out. Now."
Romano opened his mouth to counter Ludwig, but at that moment Russia stepped out into the entrance of the cave. He smiled at Romano, but Ludwig saw that it was strained. "What brings someone like you up here?"
"I… I was l- looking for F- Italy. I was looking for Italia."
"And why would you look for him here in my lands, exactly?"
"I thought he would be with Germany, and, and Germany's lands are north of ours, so I headed north." Romano was so scared that he forgot to insult him, Ludwig realized. That was a huge step for the Italian.
Russia, however, seemed unfazed by it. "I don't think you'll be finding any Italies here, Romano… Or should I say Lovino?" Russia giggled, and Romano- Lovino- cowered.
"You bastard," he managed to say.
"Why would you say something like that, Lovino? It isn't very nice."
God, that creepy smile. Ludwig and Lovino shared a momentary glance.
"That isn't helping," Lovino said.
"You're country wasn't good anymore, and it is my job to take care of that. General Winter told me to, da?" Ludwig shivered when Russia spoke.
"You followed the advice of some wind? God, you're stupid! It was probably telling you to fix global warming!" Lovino scowled.
"You are very smart, Lovino! That's exactly what he was telling me!"
"So you killed more than half the world's population? You killed your own men!"
"Humans were the problem."
Lovino continued to spit words at Russia until Ludwig finally cut in. "Lovino, stop."
Russia's face darkened. "What did I tell you about talking?"
Ludwig flinched and did not speak. Russia barely said anything about that, but if he is still the way he was last night, I should not say anything else. He hoped Lovino would catch on and do the same. The Italian took a step back to the entrance of the cave.
"Don't run, little Italian. Something might eat you up," Russia smiled and pinched Lovino's cheeks. "You can stay here tonight. Then you can run off in the morning and never come on my land again…"
Lovino nodded.
"Good, now sleep up here by the fire and I will go back to my area. Do not leave or you'll be where the rest of your men are. Доброй ночи!" RUssia slunk out of view, leaving Lovino and Germany alone. After several minutes passed, Ludwig whispered, "You can talk now. He's far enough away he can't hear." At least I think so.
"I don't want to talk to you."
"I haven't seen anyone in months," Ludwig continued. He hadn't had anyone to talk to in months. "Toris died last winter, and the other Baltics didn't make it through the war. Belarus was supposed to come join us, but she never showed up. Russia is still convinced she will come. He's completely off his rocker."
"He was never on it to begin with," Lovino snapped.
Ludwig nodded. "But he wants her to come. He isn't scared of her anymore."
"I doubt that."
Ludwig hesitated. "Lovino…" He really wanted to know, but at the same time he was afraid to ask.
"What is it?" Lovino glared at the German, who was facing away with his back to the Italian..
"Is Feliciano really dead?"
"You haven't seen him?" Lovino hissed. "He was coming to you! You were supposed to take care of him, bastard! Why didn't you take care of my little brother? What the hell is wrong with you?"
"Be quiet!" Ludwig whirled around. Russia would be listening. "I have not been able to leave this cave. I have never seen him."
Lovino screwed his eyes shut. "You were supposed to find him. He's been gone for weeks."
"Feliciano can run. He might be okay," Germany murmured.
Lovino laughed. "The sun poisoning would have killed him. I don't know what it's like up here, but down in Italy and most of Europe, it is too hot and the sun too strong to go outside without burning or being poisoned and slowly killed. Hungary saw Antonio die from it, and Sadik told stories about Greece. Feliciano is dead."
"No, he isn't."
"Yes, he is! I can feel it."
"You're not a nation anymore. You can't feel that magic. You lost it."
"Then why can I feel his absence and the pain from when he left? I know he is dead! One of us must still have Italy left in him, because I felt it. If Feliciano was alive, I would know."
"It feels like Prussia is dead."
"He's been dead since the beginning of the war, that's why."
Ludwig shook his head. Lovino, like the rest of Europe, did not know.
"You're nuts. I'm leaving in the morning. Have fun staying here with Russia."
"I'll go with you. First light."
"I don't want you with me."
"We can find Italy."
"I told you he is dead."
"And I can finally leave this godforsaken place. Russia has kept me here too long. He is alone and insane, and if I stay any longer, I'll end up like him."
"We don't need that again," Lovino humphed.
Ludwig closed his eyes. "Don't sleep. If you do, you won't wake up in time. Russia is an early riser, and we must move fast. If he catches me leaving he'll kill both of us." LUdwig began to formulate a plan. He knew these forests well and could get them out of there and heading north to Finland in no time, but he still wasn't sure how fast he could travel. Ludwig had not trained since the war.
Lovino didn't reply for a long time. "You're different, Germany."
"It's Ludwig, and I know. The war has changed us all."
