Eric's college experience was not exactly going to plan. First his plans to rush a fraternity had failed, then his mother started taking his creative writing class, Rachel down the hall had gotten back together with her boyfriend, and then his roommate started dating a witch. Fortunately, he still had Shawn to run up the Rocky steps with him. After they'd been up enough times to get dirty looks from security guards, then ran down towards the boathouses and rested on the riverbank.
"Man, this isn't going the way I'd planned," Eric announced.
"I thought you wanted to do the Rocky steps?"
"Not this, college."
Shawn looked concerned. "How come?"
"Well for starters, I was expecting to be in a fraternity. Now my mom's in my class and she's writing…" Eric gesticulated for emphasis "…smut."
"Yeah, actually, Jack thinks he can swing her a contract with the romance division at his step-dad's company."
Eric, not paying attention, continued his monologue. "I can't talk to Dad because Cory's jealous that you got a big fancy job and he got fired."
"You think I should talk to Tom for him?"
"Every time I go over there it's 'I was supposed to be the successful one, not Shawn, he's supposed to be the screw-up'" By the way, if Topanga asks, he's still working there."
"I'll talk to Tom. I have to smooth over the Brock account anyway. Hey, what do you think about a computer where the monitor's colored plastic, like sort of decorative?"
"It'll never catch on."
"We should head back, they're coming to install my fax machine at 10:00."
"How much do you want to bet the witch will be there?"
"Eric, she just has a different belief system."
"Yeah, in Satan."
"I mean, it's a belief system. Besides, they do good things. Their Pittsburgh chapter works with inner city kids."
They got up and started running back towards the apartment.
"What do you believe, Shawn?" Eric asked.
"After your death, you will be what you were before your birth."
"That's deep."
"It's a quote from Schopenhauer."
"Should I know who that is?"
"You have a paper due on him next week."
"Aw, man, can you help me with it?"
"Next week's not good for me. I've got a trig midterm Tuesday and a big meeting for the Altrucel account Thursday."
"What's Altrucel do?"
"No idea. The campaign's going to be an arrow hitting a target and a voiceover going 'Talent hits a target no one else can hit; Genius hits a target no one else can see.'"
"What's that from?"
"Schopenhauer."
"Man, I am so screwed."
When they got back to the apartment, Millie and her entire coven appeared to be moving in. After getting into another argument with Jack, Eric decided to go to the library to cool off. He managed to find an English translation of Schopenhauer, The Bridges of Madison County, and a copy of Witchcraft for Dumb-Dumbs.
Needing advice and a place to stay for the night, Eric drove back home and found Mr. Feeny handing out his Halloween thesauri.
"Mr. Feeny, can I crash at your place tonight?"
Mr. Feeny looked alarmed "No. Why?"
"I had a fight with Jack about his girlfriend. The same old story. Sure you heard it a thousand times. She's a witch, she talks to the devil, and apparently I'm standing between her and the doorway to hell."
Mr. Feeny looked alarmed. "You're definitely not sleeping here."
"I know, but of all the nights to fight. I mean, Halloween! This is the one holiday that's supposed to bring loved ones together."
"Yes, well, I'm sure your friendship is strong enough that you'll endure a little argument."
"Friends aren't supposed to let girls come between them. But Jack has made it perfectly clear that I'm just his roommate. I don't know why I'm letting this bug me."
"Well, if he was just your roommate, you wouldn't be out here talking to me. Now, Eric, just think of some way to get him to hear you."
"You didn't even break a sweat on this one."
"I hate to see people fight on the only holiday that brings loved ones together."
"Merry Halloween, Mr. Feeny."
Determined to fix things with Jack, Eric went back to the apartment. The witches had Shawn and Jack tied up on the balcony, and Millie was holding up a crystal, which shone a beam of light in Jack's face.
Eric gasped "Of course, the alignment of Valaris!" He ran out onto the balcony and stepped into the light beam."
"Hey, can you untie us real quick!" Jack asked urgently.
"He wouldn't know how to save you!" Millie taunted.
"Oh, yeah? Went to the bookstore last night, picked this up." Eric held up The Bridges of Madison County.
"The Bridges of Madison County?"
"And this," Eric held up the correct book, "Witchcraft For Dumb-Dumbs. Yep, think they mention a counter-spell in here somewhere."
He stepped into the light beam while looking for the counterspell.
"That's impossible!" Millie yelled. "The light beam hit you, and you're alive."
"Yep, SPF 45, plus a little zinc oxide on my bum. Now, everybody out. Satan's children, be gone with you all! Come on!"
Millie went over to Jack, "You're cute."
"You're sweet."
"You'd have been the perfect sacrifice.
"I appreciate that." Millie turned to leave "Hey, Millie, keys."
Millie tossed him the keys "You know, it's a shame you didn't fall for me. It could've been good."
Eric got to work untying Shawn and Jack. "Where would you guys be without me?"
"Don't get too excited," Shawn remonstrated, "they were holding that crystal up for 10 minutes before you got here."
"Well, it's still Halloween," Eric remarked "I'm gonna go find another party. Come on, Jack."
"Eric, wait. Even after all the rotten things I've said to you, you're still gonna invite me to come along?"
"Of course, man. You're my friend."
"Well, I know that now. I'm a pretty lucky guy, man. I'm buying."
"You better! Gotta love Halloween. Really brings people together."
