"Now the hungry lion roars,
And the wolf behowls the moon."
~ Shakespeare, A Midsummer-Night's Dream, v.1.379


[self-a·ban·don·ment]

absence or lack of personal restraint


'I'm so sorry, Zo, so sorry…' Sam wanted to say, but couldn't. Empathy had no space on a night before full moon.

"Why did I do that, Sam?" Zoe asked, voice empty as her eyes were filled with tears.

"I can't tell you, not yet."

Zoe gave a bitter lemon laugh. "I threw my life away back there, disappointed all the people I love, and you aren't willing to give me an explanation that might soothe my mind at least a little?"

"Trust me, it wouldn't soothe you. You're going to have to take that for an answer for now."

Everything in Zoe rebelled against accepting that she'd given up everything for a man like Sam, who was so unlike all the kind men she'd met so far. Oh, certainly, he had his gentle streaks; sadly, they outweighed the ones where she never knew what to expect of him, when he gave her the feeling of her life hanging on a thread.

Afraid of losing the only person not disappointed in and mad at her, Zoe didn't press any further. Her heart couldn't have taken any more arguments tonight, maybe not ever. At the moment, Zoe even considered the possibility of Sam having to visit her in a padded room. Question was: Would he even come?

"Why did you come see me, Sam?"

"Would you mind postponing the conversation until morning?"

Zoe flinched, unable of not thinking how Marc would have never snapped at her like that. She didn't know Sam said it for her own good: Every answer he'd give her tonight would be mainly the werewolf speaking, and God knew what he might say. He could maybe bring up enough control to keep his actions in check, but not his words, too.

Zoe was about to regret her decision of choosing Sam over Marc when Sam proved to be surprisingly gentle; he parked Zoe's car in front of her apartment, got out and rounded it, opened Zoe's door and helped her out – sweeping her up in his arms carefully, as if scared of breaking her. Not enough with that, no; he carried her up the stairs and over the threshold. Zoe should protest, seeing as this was a gruesome parody of her wedding, but couldn't. Instead, she closed her eyes, revelled in the play of his muscles pressing against her and clung to Sam with the last strength she had left. The soft landing she received told her Sam had set her down on the bed, but seeing as there was no weight pressing her down, he'd refrained from joining her for some bed quality time.

Zoe opened her eyes unwillingly and looked up at him. "Thank you."

"Get some sleep," Sam replied, a rough edge to his voice, but kindly.

"Huh, right. I don't think I'll be able to sleep for weeks."

The phone rang, cutting through the air of peace Zoe had been about to build up between herself and Sam. "That'll be my mother… or brother. Anyone, really. Not like they'll have different opinions, so what does it matter," Zoe ran a hand over her eyes, smudging what was left of her make-up.

Sam calmly walked over to the phone, picked up and leisurely pressed the 'end call' button. Bent down and unplugged the phone. "Sleep."

'Your wish is my command,' Zoe just thought, not quite sure if ironically or perfectly seriously. Then mercifully, exhaustion overwhelmed her and dragged her into a gratifying, if restless, sleep.


He should wake her.

Give in to those raging instincts and just ravish her. After all, he was a werewolf – no point denying it – and it would be full moon tomorrow night.

Tomorrow night, Sam reminded himself as he clawed his hands into the couch, knuckles white from restraint. One more night to go; it couldn't be that he was turning animal tonight already. However, despite his remaining human sense telling him it couldn't be, his werewolf hunger was on red alert. Temptation was just five metres away, in the adjoining bedroom.

And she was wearing a wedding dress. For a wedding that would never happen because he'd corrupted this girl's innocence and tore her down with him.

In the end, that was the reason why Sam could muster up just enough self-control to last him until sunrise. Even as a monster, he would refuse completely abandoning all decency.

Unless it was full moon.


As a 'good morning' present, Zoe was given a raw throat and aching eyes from crying, a hammering head from stress, a jittery feeling in her lower abdomen from passionate sex with Sam and paining stomach muscles from sobbing cramps.

Way to start off your honeymoon.

Oh, wait, that's right: No honeymoon, since no husband.

"How'd you sleep?"

On the one, small upside: No husband meant a very hot lover. Alright, so said lover had the tiny downside of being unpredictable and a little frightening at times... but when Sam sat on the edge of her bed that morning, trustworthy puppy eyes looking at her, Zoe had extreme difficulty remembering those times. "Pending somewhere between horrible and extremely unpeachy."

Sam smiled softly and handed her a cup of tea. "Thought this might make you feel better."

"Thank you," Zoe closed her fingers around the cup, brushing Sam's and not even flinching at the touch anymore. "How long have you been up?"

"All night," Sam replied slowly. Had he fallen asleep, he might well have sleep-walked with Zoe, and he wasn't willing to take that risk. If he wasn't careful, not only her emotional heart might get broken.

No, he could never hurt her that way. Not his mate.

"You want a coffee?" Zoe asked with such enticing innocence and kindness. "Or rather the bed to catch up on some sleep?"

Sam chuckled quietly and brushed through her hair. "I'm fine, thanks."

Not like he would do any sleeping in that bed, not with Zoe so close.

What was it with him having those strong werewolf streaks, even during the day? It was way off.

"Anything you need?"

Zoe looked at Sam with surprised eyes. Did she have to ruin her reputation and wedding first before he'd show concern and gentleness? Strange, what that y-chromosome did to a person, especially in the feeling department. "Well, I think I might feel a lot better if I got out of this damned dress, so if you could, um, help me with that?"

"Oh, sure," Sam said uncomfortably, trying hard not to pick up the underlying invitation.

Zoe emptied her tea, set the cup down on her book-covered nightstand – 'The Importance Of Being Earnest' by Oscar Wilde would carry a nice round cup stain – and got up with rustling skirts.

Sam brushed her tangled silky hair over her shoulder as to have better access to the zipper of her dress. Or not zipper.

'Great,' He groaned inwardly at the intricate ties, 'Just when I really shouldn't be closer to her than necessary, she wears a dress that's gonna need ten minutes to dispose of and requires me touching her. Just my luck.'

Zoe subconsciously leaned into Sam's touch, loving the feel of his hands on her skin and how it sent tingling shivers down her spine. Closing her eyes to better taste the delectation, Zoe marvelled at the newly discovered sexiness of having someone undress you.

Well, there went a thought she'd never expected to think.

Sam trailed down her spine to the first bow and untied it, knowing he should do this quicker as to get out of temptation's way faster, but he couldn't. The bigger part of him wanted to prolong this moment to the last sweet second.

Just bend her over already.

Sam's jaw tightened, and had Zoe seen it, she'd have admired the masculinity of it. Sam bit back the desire welling up in him, but couldn't refrain from bending down and softly kissing Zoe's neck. To his surprise, she didn't flinch away, but rather let her head fall back against his chest, exposing her neck to him in all its vulnerability.

'Dangerous move, Zoe,' Sam thought somewhat helplessly and quickly moved away from her, focused once again on the task of loosening the strings on her dress.

Heat of embarrassment rushed to Zoe's cheeks at what she thought was Sam's rejection of tenderness. And because she'd loved his kisses in a way she shouldn't.

"There," Sam said, his fingers reluctantly letting go of Zoe's dress, already missing the warmth of her body.

"Thanks," Zoe clutched the front of her dress as that it wouldn't slip. As intimate as she'd been with Sam, as self-conscious she was in daylight despite that.

"You want anything for breakfast?"

"Oh, um, toast would be great," Zoe replied uncomfortably.

"Okay, I'll get that ready while you, well…"

"Right, thanks."

Sam nodded and left the room, a confused Zoe in his wake. He was so gentle, so sweet… not at all like the man she'd 'loved' so heatedly. With a sigh, Zoe let the dress slip off her body down to the floor. The heap of cloth around her ankles resembled all too well the mountain of shattered glass her life was and that she'd sooner or later would have to face.


"Zo…" Sam started, wondering if he would ever get this out right without shouting out loud he was a werewolf.

"Sam, it's okay." Only after she'd said it, Zoe realized she meant it. She trailed her nail over the rim of her tea cup. "It wasn't your fault I did what I did."

"In a way, it was."

"How could it be? It wasn't like you forced me to sleep with you, unless ultimate attraction counts as force." Zoe even managed a small but honest smile.

'Damn it, Zo, if only you knew how right you are…' Sam wished he could lay it all out to her, tell her that what she was feeling wasn't attraction to him, but instinct calling her to him. However, he couldn't corrupt her sweet mind any more than he already had by busting out the 'monsters are real, and you just got laid by one' speech.

"It was me only who betrayed my family's and Marc's trust, and I guess I'll just have to live it down, if they ever let me."

"I'm sure they will, Zo. You're still their family."

Her smile could well be called bitter. "Not sure they'll see it that way… Faith before family."

"This might not comfort you any, Zo, but I'll be here."

She raised her mesmerizing ocean eyes to his. "You're wrong."

"Pardon?"

"You're wrong. It does comfort me."

It's not a selfless offer, Zoe. Tonight's full moon.

"Okay, so, I guess I'll get going…" Zoe said after a comfortable silence.

"To…?"

"College. And maybe hell."

Despite the morbid irony behind it, Sam had to smile. Who knew Zoe had a sense for humour? "You sure you want to face it all today?"

"It will only get worse with every day that passes," Zoe sighed as she shrugged into her coat. "I can either take it all now in one big scoop and then get healing and mending, or have healed wounds ripped open later."

If it wasn't for the fact she was a werewolf's bitch, Sam would have described Zoe as a brave lioness.

Then again, that would have made the expression 'heading into the lion's den' less suitable for what expected Zoe.


Zoe had always despised mobile phones. Who had said she wanted to be available at all times? So, hers was switched off roughly 360 days a year, and on two other days, the battery was dead – from what, wasn't quite certain seeing as it was rarely used.

Either way, Zoe switched her on her Nokia now. Greeted by seven unread messages and a dozen missed calls, she found herself affirmed in her dislike of mobiles.

Pushing the key into the ignition but not turning it yet, Zoe opened the first SMS.

Jane, at 20:12: Zoe, I mean it, answer you f-ing phone!

Katie, at 20:23: How could you do this to Marc? I thought I knew you, but that lecherous viciousness had me shocked.

Lola, at 20:24: Damn, girl, nice catch. ;) Don't see why you couldn't tell me earlier, but still, I'm impressed. xoxo

Zoe refrained from reading the other messages. She'd be faced with people's opinion of her unglamorous cancelling of the wedding soon enough, and she would take it. She had messed up, she'd bear the consequences – but why was she so desperately wishing Sam was at her side? It almost felt like she wasn't whole without him.

"Great, Zo, you don't only throw your reputation away for him, but you also turn into a clingy, needy, pathetic-" Zoe stopped herself as she realized she'd meant to add 'housewife'.

Ironically, housewife was exactly what she wanted to be after she'd married Marc – now the mere thought scared her.

Zoe shook her head. 'What is it with me today?'

She obliterated her uncomfortable thoughts on the drive to college with loud music blasting from the speakers. Sadly, the second she stepped out of the car, that distraction disappeared and she was left facing – a very pissed off Katie.

"That you dare show your face here!"

"Excuse me?" Zoe had expected reprimands, reproaches and rendering of morality, but not rage.

"Congratulations, Zoe, you're the best actress I've ever had the displeasure of meeting. How long were you fucking strangers in the backroom while flaunting the 'prude virgin' act to everyone?"

"Katie…"

"Save it! You broke Marc's heart, for good. Hell, you betrayed all of us, Zoe!"

"Why don't you go comfort Marc, then?" Zoe stated flatly. It was more of an act of despair, to get Katie to listen than what Zoe had meant to say – she was shocked at herself. Then she tasted the liberating relief of speaking her mind, of snapping at someone. "Maybe he wants to listen to you more than I do." With that, she pushed past Katie, who looked after her in outrage.

The walk to her classroom resembled the path that people generally called the one paved with good intentions, for it was hell. Whispers, more or less indistinct, accompanied Zoe all the way and made her wonder just how fast a wildfire could spread that people compared it to gossip's speed.

"Hey, Zo, where's your lover?"

"Not so virgin anymore, are we, slut?"

Zoe bit her lip and told herself she could handle it, that the talk would quiet down… but something snapped in her and refused to accept the victim role. "You know what? Screw all of you. Yes, I've fucked someone else than my fiancée on my wedding day, and you wanna know something else? It was fucking worth it."

That outburst wasn't only a clearance for her mind but also granted her peace for just long enough to take her seat and hide from the stares behind her mane of toffee hair.

"Well, sweetie, I gotta say, I think I might have rubbed off on you after all."

"Lola, if you want to throw reproaches at me, just get in line. Or write a letter of complaint."

The other girl chuckled. "Zo, of all people here, I might be the only one not reproaching you. Hell, I'm this close to asking for advice on how to score such a fine piece of ass."

Tentatively, Zoe flicked back her hair and looked at Lola. Her smile seemed legit, and Zoe figured she might be the only one sticking to her. "Do you know how… my Mom…"

Lola sighed. "I think you ought to see her for yourself. I'm sure she'll be mad, but she'll get over it, Zo. You're her daughter, and you're young – she'll understand."

Turned out, Zoe's mother didn't understand. Didn't even try to.


"Hey, Dean."

"Sammy, everything okay?"

"Why do you always assume just because I call something's wrong?" Sam smiled at their routine. He always called Dean when he was away, because he knew his older brother would fret if he didn't, and those conversations always ended up starting like this.

"Shut up, bitch."

"Listen, jerk, I'm going to be a few days… maybe more."

"She pretty?"

"Very."

"Go get it, tiger." Dean laughed and hung up, thankfully oblivious to the true nature of Sam's call and that indeed a girl was the reason for his prolonged absence. 'Oh, Sammy.'


Some people reach for the liquor if they need a courage boost, Zoe had her personal kind of drug: Sam. The common factor of booze and drugs were the life-threatening if not –ending character. And that you mostly realize that once it's too late.

Zoe was mercifully oblivious of that, however.

"Sam?"

"Zo, everything okay?"

"Depends. Do you want the truth or a white lie?"

"I'm sorry."

"I know, even though you don't have to be," Zoe sighed. "I'm at my mother's now, and… to be honest, I don't really know why I called."

That in itself was a lie: she knew exactly why she'd called. Zoe needed to hear Sam's voice. "Don't let anything or anyone get to you, Zoe. You've done nothing wrong."

"Except for cheating in the meanest way on my fiancée, that is."

"Maybe you did, but he's the only one who can reproach you for that, alright? It's nobody else's business and most certainly not their right to judge."

Zoe sighed. "Thanks, Sam."

"It's just the truth."

"Still... Either way, um, I'll, you know, get that talk over and then be back sometime this afternoon."

"I'll be here."

"Thank you for that. Really." After all, there was nothing that forced Sam to stay with her. She wasn't pregnant by him, he didn't love her, she didn't technically love him – all in all, there really was nothing keeping him here.

The thought of him leaving…

Zoe shook her head fiercely. She didn't stand through all the crap she'd been given at college to cave in now to feeble speculations. Drawing strength from an unknown source, Zoe marched up the porch to her mother's door. Surprisingly, it was Andrew who opened. "You've got no business here, Zoe."

"I came to see Mom."

"I know. But she doesn't want to see you."

Zoe flinched from the coldness that met her in her brother's voice. "Let her tell me that herself."

"You're in no position to give anyone orders. Do you have any idea what you did to Mom, to us all? You brought shame onto our family."

Some weeks ago, Zoe might have bowed her head in guilty shame and left. Now, however, it was as if she had her fill of being the whipping boy for everyone else. "We've left the Middle Ages behind us, Andrew. We live in a free country where everyone can love anyone they want."

"Sure they can. And you publicly announced you loved Marc, and that you would marry him. Your sense of loyalty and decency should have kept you from fornicating at least if your faith didn't already."

"Is this about me cheating on Marc or having premarital sex?"

"Excuse me?"

"You pitch this whole 'betrayed trust' speech, but the only one betrayed here is Marc. I'm sorry I hurt him, and he'll be rightfully hating me for the rest of his life and I don't blame him for that. You, on the other hand, have absolutely no right judging over me for that."

"My little sister is the town's lecherous hussy, and you tell me I don't have the right to be involved?"

"Involved, yes, but not judging. As a priest, you can tell me off for what I did, but not as my brother."

Andrew looked at his younger sister in displeased surprise. When did she start talking back? When did she start to reproach and raise her voice? "You can't go in to see Mom," Andrew replied lamely, "Seeing you would kill her. As far as she's concerned, you're not family any longer."

"I figured. Because family sticks together, even in the bad times. Not you two, though. The second I tread just one step off the path, I'm dead to you. Tell me, Andrew: What would God say to that? Wouldn't he tell you to run after the rebellious lamb and bring it back to the herd instead of proclaiming it dead and letting it run into the wolf's arms?" Zoe turned on her heel and floated down the stairs and darted towards her car.

She did a decent job at holding back the tears, at least until the door of her apartment shut behind her and she met Sam's kind hazel eyes.

"Shh," Sam stroked her hair, holding Zoe close to him, and kissed the top of her head. Gently, he led her to the couch, murmuring comforting words as he did.

He wasn't quite sure when exactly Zoe's sobs turned silent and her tears into kisses. All he knew was that the transition was fluid.

Zoe's tear pipes shut off all of a sudden, and she was tired of crying, anyways. Next thing she knew, she was kissing Sam's neck and worked her way up to his lips. The satisfaction she felt when he responded to her kiss was not unlike a hunger satisfied. Zoe crawled onto his lap, and moaned in anticipation as her hands brushed over the impressive bulge in his jeans. Slowly but surely she started to think this man was ready to go at any time for however long.


Thank you all so much for your continued support, you guys rock! =) I am so happy you like this story!

xoxo