Chapter 16- Fall from Grace

Matako waited anxiously in front of Shinsuke's chamber. The sealed doors contained the conversation held between Bansai and Takasugi. Her eyes shut but she didn't succumb to sleep. She couldn't rest until she knew Shinsuke's answer to her return and to her failure.

The creaking of the doors forced her eyes to reopen. She postured herself into a submissive kneel. She could see Shinsuke and Bansai's legs treading out of the room. Her heart began to race as Takasugi drew closer to her. Her fingernails dug into the carpet. She was ready to accept whatever punishment awaited her.

Matako gently said, "Shinsuke-sa-"

She saw the red and blacks of Shinsuke's kimono pass her by. His eyes didn't turn to spare her a merciful glance. He merely walked by as if he no longer recognized her voice or recalled her face.

The feeling of falling in his eyes and being completely ignored proved more painful than any punishment. Matako's world had shattered. She could only crawl on all fours trying to pick up the pieces. Perhaps she could still repair the damage. Kijima felt in her heart the only way to redeem herself was to become stronger—strong enough that she would never fail Shinsuke again. Such a goal wasn't enough to counter the depression weighing down on her spirit though.


Matako lay in her bed with her blankets messily wrapped around her form. Her arms held tightly to the pistols lying on the pillow. She had spent the last few hours lounging passively. Even then, she hadn't been able to sleep. Her mind was afflicted by her last memory with Takasugi. Matako sometimes reconstructed the scene of her failure. She considered ways she could have better fought the Yato and Okada. But soon, this thought disappeared as well. All she could see now was the image of Takasugi leaving her behind.

Her eyes shut as her hands clutched her sheets. The stinging of her grief began to turn into pure anger.

KNOCK KNOCK!

"Matako-san. Matako-san" She knew the deep voice to be none other than Takechi's.

"What is it?"

She heard his head thump as he leaned on the front of her bedroom door. The bastard was in her room!

Takechi said, "It's about Shinsuke-dono."

"Shinsuke-dono won't remain disappointed in you forever. His favor will return with time so... so bear with it a little longer. He doesn't plan to punish you or expel you from the Kiheitai." he said.

"I know that."

"I know it's hard. I can't say it bothers me like it does you but, I also failed him so…"

"Go away. I don't need you to patronize me."

"I suppose it's not what you want to hear. It's not fair for me to tell you how to see things. And it isn't fair the way Shinsuke-dono's treated you. He ought to be more appreciative after all you—"

"Don't you dare speak that way about him! Whatever his reasons may be, they're for the best."

"Humph. I wonder when he'll realize the fact that you're his most loyal follower."

"…"

Matako then said, "I thought I told you to go away already. You're voice is annoying me so leave."

"What are you so mad at me for?" he asked, "Don't tell me it's because of when I had to stand guard over you at the hospital? …Is it because I saw your breasts?"

"WOULD YOU JUST SHUT UP AND GO AWAY SENPAI!"

"As you wish Matako-san. But before I go, I need to say something else. Whether you choose to accept it or not is solely up to you. I just want you to know that I'm thankful for how far you went to help me."

Matako said, "I didn't do it for you. I was simply doing what I considered to be in the best interest of Shinsuke-sama."

"Whatever your reasons may be, I owe you my life."

"I'll go now." said Takechi. He removed himself from her door and gave a face to Bansai which read, "It's all up to you now." Bansai had been waiting against the wall this entire time for his turn to speak to her.

Matako could hear Henpeita step away from her door. Matako closed her eyes and tried to sleep. It was no use. She pulled off the covers and sat herself up against the wall. She moved around until finding a more bearable position to rest in. Her eyes drifted to the ceiling. Matako wished right then that she had a window to gaze through. She wanted to see the starry sky. She wanted the stars to shine for her. Her desire upturned a sentimental memory.

Bansai swiftly yanked off his earphones. He could hear her voice floating through the door. Matako was singing a song he knew.

She sang, "Just this night, can you hold me again? Can we gaze up at the stars together? Will you stay with me until the sun comes up? These feelings, I don't want to forget them. I'll keep them with me always, even if your hand slips away from mine."

Her voice began to choke with the lyrics. Not a tear was streaming down her cheeks, but her hand was clutching at her heart. It was all she could do now to distract her mind from the pain.

"Just this night, I want to believe you'll be with me always. Can we see the crescent moon hovering in the air? Will you stay with me until I fall asleep? Even if I awake on this hill alone… will you stay with me until then?"

The music of an instrument was now playing in the background.

Matako's eyes widened as she realized someone had been listening to her outside. She hadn't meant to be so loud…

Bansai didn't turn his head or stop playing when Kijima's door opened. She stepped out and looked down at him. "Bansai-senpai?" she asked. The surprise shown by her eyebrows returned to her usual scowl. Kawakami placed his pick into the pocket of his black coat. He reclined his Shaminsen adjacent to the wall before standing up.

Bansai said, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you Matako-san."

Matako asked, "Why are you in this hallway?"

"You have a beautiful voice. Untrained, but more refined then I would have expected."

"What is that supposed to mean?!"

He ignored her. "You should come with me. Why don't we head to my studio tonight and play together? I daresay if we continue this fiasco here the other members will get rowdy."

"No thanks," she said, "I don't feel like it."

"Wouldn't you rather take your mind off of things?" he asked, "Something I've come to learn is that a ballad is best played when in harmony with another instrument. It's the same with people's hearts. Wouldn't it be easier on yours if you didn't bear this alone?"

Matako turned her head away from him. "Why? Why are you all going so far? I just don't understand…"

"This one thinks you already know the genre Matako-san, you just don't recognize the title."

"Eh?"

He shrugged his elbows and said, "I'm sure you'll recognize it soon enough— what the Kiheitai is to you."

"Until then," he went on, "do yourself a favor and don't torture yourself over Shinsuke-sama. Understand, I have nothing but respect for Shinsuke-sama. I fight for this faction solely because of him I daresay. But… Shinsuke isn't the type for showing affection. You should give up hoping he'll ever see you as anything but Kiheitai. That man's rhythm is different from your own; his melancholic solo to your classic rock. A rhythm like his is incompatible with all others."

Bansai continued, "I know he won't be happy with me saying this. But Shinsuke will only use your feelings to manipulate you. He knows you'll become stronger to correct things. Shinsuke's only concern is to further his goals. He doesn't care what you experience to achieve thi-."

"STOP IT!" said Matako. At the same time, she kicked over his instrument. Kijima, in her rage, proceeded to stomp on it.

"Ow" she said. She clutched her throbbing foot. It had encountered unexpected resistance. The shamisen was quite broken, but not the object inside it. It was a katana that Bansai kept hidden beneath the stem.

Bansai's mouth opened in horror. He fell down on his knees and began to gather the pieces of the shamisen. Even with it being Matako's fault, Bansai didn't speak a word of accusation. Kijima briskly marched into her room and slammed the door shut.


A dozen bullets had met the bull's eye of their target. Matako waited for the next picket to rise into the firing range. Her pistols quickly fired off again. Her earmuffs blocked out the ring of her magnum shells as they danced across the ground. She was unable to hear the click of her weapons' empty barrels. Matako returned them to their leather pockets. She looked at the five bullet holes she had centered into the target at the last second.

Have I become any stronger I wonder?

Matako's body collapsed abruptly. She dragged herself to the rim of a bench. Matako got off her knees and seated herself. She clasped her hands over her hips and looked up. Her eyes began to quiver. Bansai's words had begun to reach her at last. The question she had feared all along began to present itself.

Is this really all I can do to please him?

Still, the tears did not come.


Author's Note: Oh dear, I know at this point you're probably thinking, "How does a romance come of this?" And I know it's taking a while and I'm really thankful for your patience. Shinsuke is a cold man so I believe it takes something big for him to fall for someone. Starting from the last chapter, the story has taken its own direction and become more about developing the characters. I hope you'll enjoy where it leads.