Author's Note: *Guiltily wrings hands together*. Heh. Sorry guys, I uh, did mean to update sooner but I got halfway through this chapter and hated it, then I refused to look at it for several days before revising my entire plan for the beginning. Thanks for your patience, though! YOU ARE AWESOME!
Disclaimer:...This is Fanfiction. Ergo, I own nothing.
Sorry for any spelling/grammar errors!
Chapter 4: Trust Is Fragile
Hiccup,
No matter how exhausted my body is, it's impossible to fall asleep. I'm finally sitting still and can sleep without too much trouble but nope, my brain is insistent that sleeping is the single most worst idea that it's ever come up with. Toothless is sleeping softly beside me, looking more relaxed and content than I've seen him in a while.
My hair is sticking in wild angles but I can't manage to work up enough energy to do something about it. My back is pulsing painfully but I refuse to move away from Toothless. Without the constant cold wall behind me to numb the injuries, they've returned with a full fury reminding me just how displeased they are with my nerves.
Soft footsteps jerk me from my inward cursing and I lift my head up in surprise as Toothless's ears give a single flick. A figure swings through the skylight and I tense leaning closer to Toothless's side and pulling my knees into my chest, trying to become as small as humanly possible.
The figure's feet land on the ground of my room softly and it takes my eyes a moment to recognize them. A axe is strapped to the back of the Viking who has broken into my room.
Astrid.
I'm not sure what I should be feeling. Joy? Irritation? Fear?
Before I get a chance to decide Astrid's sharp hissing whisper cuts through the air, "Hiccup?"
I bite my lip and look at Toothless half wishing he would wake up so I don't have to face this by myself. Gritting my teeth I look up at Astrid, grow up, Hiccup. You don't have to have someone with you all the time.
Astrid moves forward, having spotted the Night Fury happily curled around me. Her blue eyes are alight with electricity as she moves towards me, "I want answers." Always cutting to the point, something I usually like about her but right now it's frustrating. Answers. To what? Settle her own curiosity? I don't want to talk about it, especially not to her. She'd go full Berserk and take Stormfly and wipe the Jink and his psycho tribe from the face of the earth without breaking sweat.
Not that I'm opposed to seeing Jink get the good piece of humble pie awaiting him but I don't want Astrid to get caught and-oh Thor, no, please no. She can't go through what I did.
I can't tell her. I can't tell anyone!
"Hiccup." Astrid says her voice slightly covered in a controlled frustration before she slowly leans down infront of me. "Please talk to me. Where were you?"
I release a long breath and close my eyes tightly clenching my fists. "Mum," I murmur quietly not bothering to open my eyes. Jink would use Astrid against me, like Viggo did with the Dragon Eye. I won't let her get hurt.
Astrid releases a heavy breath before I hear her footsteps move away from me as she begins to pace, probably debating how best to get me to crack. Ha. Nope. I am not talking about this to anyone.
Paper shuffles Astrid's footsteps stop, "What's this?" Astrid asks softly and I open my eyes looking at the drawing in her hand. Oh, Thor! Clutched tightly in her fingers is the drawing of the Tijike symbol I drew last night. I new that was a stupid idea! I shouldn't have done anything on it.
"It's uh...um…" my voice suddenly stutters and I scramble for an excuse, "a...dragon eye." I offer slightly and Astrid raises an eyebrow.
"No, it's not. It looks like a tribe symbol. I've never seen it before." She mutters the last part to herself and I snort. I'd be surprised if anyone on Berk has.
"It's not, it's an eye." I insist.
"No, it's not." Astrid bristles, "This has something to do with where you were, doesn't it?"
I open my mouth to answer before snapping it shut and letting out a frustrated breath. What was I thinking when I drew that a few hours ago. Of course she would notice. She's Astrid. Anyone who knew me well enough would've noticed. "It's not anything you should be concerned about." I keep the sentence as short and clipped to the point as humanly possible. Astrid's eyes narrow and I can tell she's coming to the end of her patience line. She want's answers, and she wants them right now.
"I am concerned about it, Hiccup. You have to tell me." She states firmly and I shake my head.
"No, I don't."
Astrid's hand clenches around the yellowing paper before she flips it to look at it again. "Yes, you do." She argues looking back up at me her eyes verging on pleading. Frustration pulses through me and with some rush of determination from who knows where I get to my feet and a wave of pain sings across my entire body. Ignoring it to the best of my ability, I limp towards Astrid and rip the paper from her hands ripping it once, twice, thrice before tossing it to the ground between our feet.
"There, now it's neither of our concern."
"Why won't you talk to me!? Hiccup, you were missing for two months! I'm just worried about you. I want to help." She explains in a frustrated tone raising her hands as she talks. I shake my head slightly. Two months, huh, I didn't think it'd been that long, maybe longer actually. Never ending. Help.
Ha.
So did Jink.
Did he? No, it was all a lie. Maybe she's doing it too. Some part of me highly disagrees with the statement but the more frustrated, thick skin I've been wearing for weeks on end beats me to through this.
"Maybe if you'd actually been searching, you would've found Toothless and me sooner." I retort and fold my arms across my chest. Astrid gawks her jaw falling faster than Toothless at full speed. Her jaw opens and closes reenacting a fish before she clenches her fists.
"Are you kidding!? We tore the Archipelago apart looking for both of you! What do you think we were doing well you two were missing, throwing a party!?" She demands in frustration and I laugh dryly. A couple years ago and they would've. Cheared, even. Not much has changed. They should've. I'm a nuisance, a fragile runt that they feel inclined to protect.
"Yeah, actually."
Astrid's axe swings past my chest suddenly and I leap backwards (even though it wouldn't have even touched me) as she storms forward swinging the weapon back and forth angrily, "Why would we-" she starts in a frustration rant, "Hiccup, we wouldn't h-I wouldn't have-"
"Tell me something, Astrid," I interrupt and lift a hand up towards her as she stops and poke her shoulder a few times in frustration. Something she often does to anyone when she's angry. "If it had been a couple of years ago, before the Red Death, would you have even been the slightest bit concerned?"
Her eyebrows meet in confusion at the question, "...Yes." Her hesitation however, says differently. I shake my head slightly and back up. It's just like Jink told me, fear settles in my stomach along with a whirling emotion of disgust.
"Yeah, I thought so."
"What does that have to do with anything!? Hiccup, you know that we've changed, I have! This isn't you, Hiccup. I know you. You have to tell me what happened." She commands and I throw my hands up into the air in frustration. I can't tell her because I'm trying to protect her, doesn't she get that!? "Just the island, a name-"
"Mum, mum, MUM!"
"This isn't a joke, Hiccup!" Astrid exclaims her eyes narrowing with frustration. I squeeze my eyes shut at her tone resisting the urge to flinch. Angry. His second in command was always angry. She always used the same tone Astrid has now. My mental guards fly up.
"Mum,"
"Why are you incapable of seeing that I'm trying to help you?"
Her words cause me to falter. Help. This is Astrid, of course she's trying to help. I take in a deep breath and meet her piercing, beautiful eyes, "I-I'll tell you later, I...just can't tell you right now." I wrap my arms around myself in a hug as Toothless gets to his feet staring at both of us in confusion, with big tired eyes. Can't or won't?
I glance at Toothless before returning my gaze to the angry Hofferson in front of me. Her grip around her axe is so tight her knuckles are white. "Later?" She scoffs, "I know what you're trying to do. You don't plan on telling me, ever. Maybe in the next TWENTY SIX MILLION YEARS! OR A MILLANA OR-"
A beefy hand clamps down on her shoulder and I jump slightly, Toothless hissing and Astrid's eyes pop but to her credit, she doesn't jump. I follow the hand to my dad, standing behind Astrid with his eyebrows curved in disapproval. Yes, his eyebrows, I've had full on conversations with them sometimes. They are very expressive.
"Lass," He starts his tone disapproving. "Give him some breathing room. You didn't see what they did to him." Stoick murmurs the last part with a quiet morose tone and Astrid lets out a growl of frustration before she storms past my dad and me and leaps down the stairs, taking them two or three at a time before her footsteps pound across the lower floor and the front door closes with a heavy 'bang'.
Now she's angry. Great, that slims my trust circle down to about one other person, my dad and Gobber. I imagine that the other riders are going to react like her. If she was in your trust circle, Hiccup, why didn't you tell her?
I tighten my grip around my arms and am distantly aware of Toothless distantly brushing against my side. My dad turns back to me, his lips curved into a half smile, "She's quite a spitfire, isn't she?"
I shake my head a sarcastic retort on my lips but I don't voice it. Jink never liked it when I did, and I don't think anyone on Berk does, either. I sigh instead and look back at Toothless who is watching the two of us with wild eyes. She is. But she's so, so much more.
000o000
The next few days pass without anymore excitement, I refuse to leave the house and my dad respects that letting me hide out in the wooden structure. Toothless doesn't leave my side for more than a couple of seconds but I do manage to shove fish down his face more than once. Gothi stops by, and true to her nature makes me feel worse before the medicine starts to work and I'm able to stand up straight again (sort of).
None of the other riders stop by and true to my dad's nature, he forces me to bed rest.
I hate being bedridden.
Always.
My fingers are fidgety and playing with the sword hilt in my hands as I lean against the headboard. Truthfully, I'm getting sick of hiding out, there's a distinct part of me that is enjoying pretending all other human beings don't exist and it's been winning over the last four days but I am done with the bed.
I never even want to look at one again.
The first couple of days of just sitting on a bed, with blankets was amazing. The blanket and I haven't parted much since I found one. Speaking of which, I let my wandering mind refocus on the present and move my left hand up readjusting my position on the blanket. Because I like the blanket, and need the blanket and want the blanket to be my friend.
Toothless is curled at the foot of the bed, sleeping or resting I'm not sure. He looks exhausted and guilt squirms around my insides as I watch him. It's my fault that he's so tired, my fault that we got caught, my fault that we were missing for two months, my fault that he had to go through Jink's methods of "persuasion". My fault that Astrid has for the moment, ditched us.
I bite my lip tightly and drop the hilt of Inferno 2.0 that I was working on trying not to hiss through my teeth as the movement strains the stretched skin on my shoulders. Thor, I hate fire.
"We can fix that."
Jink's haunting words always wrap themselves around me in a tight cord any hope I have of getting free of them is lost. Inferno 2.0 sputters suddenly and I yelp in surprise as the springs I'd been trying to work with me for the last couple of hours shoot into gear and the blade, (not of fire, thankfully) spits out.
Toothless leaps to his feet his eyes narrowed to slits and a plasma blast building up in the back of his throat. I lower my hands covering my face and lift them towards Toothless from my cross legged position. "Toothless, bud, it's fine!" I assure and he scans around us for several moments. "It just malfunctioned." I say and grab the hilt of Inferno 2.0 and lift the blade up for him to look at.
Toothless moves forward, his pupils slowly widening but his tense stance doesn't waver. I stare at him, then look down at my own frozen muscles before raising my hands up, "This is stupid." I groan in frustration and toss the blade to the side, swinging my legs over the side of the bed. I distantly note that the sword retracted back into place but my main focus is inward willing myself to leave the room.
Nothing is going to happen.
I repeat the phrase several times before getting to my feet and move forward taking in several calming breaths. Toothless follows after me, looking slightly curious but at the same time still wary. I shake my head and shove open the door to my room stepping down the steps and wincing slightly as my feet hit the floor. I swallow my grimace and trek my way down the wooden steps before pausing and looking at my feet.
I still haven't tracked down a replacement for my stolen boot. Of course, I haven't been looking for one but I doubt there's one around here. Dragon's Edge currently holds all the important possessions, like shoes and most of the spare clothes. Meh, I'll find something later.
I work my way across the room and shove open the door to outside before I chicken out. Toothless, ever present, pokes his head out and stares at the island. It's nearing winter and the first snow will be in a couple of weeks, next week and a few days earliest. I glance at my dragon before turning my gaze to the Great Hall.
That's where everyone should be...including Astrid. I want to apologize for...what? Not trusting her? I clench my fists digging my nails deeply into my palms, a habit I developed a few years ago, my palms are littered with little half moon scars from when I drew blood.
I release a breath before squaring my shoulders and moving towards the Great Hall barely paying any attention to my uneven steps and the feeling of stone under my bare foot. Toothless moves next to my side looking every bit like he wants to force me onto his back and keep me permanently tied there.
"C'mon, bud." I whisper and rest a hand on his neck looking towards the Hall. My insides squirm but I've been hiding for long enough. I need to grow up and face them some day. I...just hope they don't demand answers like Astrid did. I'm not ready...I don't I'm ever going to be.
It's okay. Breathe. Be brave.
After a few minutes of inner battle we make it to the doors. Gritting my teeth and glancing at my other half again I shove the wooden doors open and take a step inside. A blast of heat smacks me in the face as soon as I take the first step. Followed closely by a strong smell of chicken. Dinner. I think.
I've sort of nibbled on the food my dad shoves at my face but I haven't really eaten a meal in...a while. Shrugging slightly I move into the room Toothless following after me and keeping close to my side incase my feet decide they want to rebel and test gravity's true hold upon them. All conversation in the large space complete and utterly stops.
Every pair of eyes turns from their tables to look at me and Toothless and gawk. The attention makes my insides squirm uncomfortably. Why are they staring? Do they have to stare? Is something wrong? Do they not want me here? Should I leave? Why am I here? Why did I have to leave the safety of my room? What if they have decided they like Berk better without me?
The panic builds up in my chest like a fluttering bird and my nails dig deeper into my skin. "Hiccup!" The voice rips me from my staring and I look up in surprise as Snotlout, Snotlout happily strides towards me his arms open. How did I miss him? He and the riders are sitting on a table towards the left of the doors. The chatting starts up again, broken by Snotlout's walking- and a few nasty glares from the other riders- but it's still uneasy.
I'm torn away from my thoughts as Snotlout's arms wrap around me in a bone cracking hug. I wince pain rippling through my injuries. We may be cousins, but Snotlout and I have never really gotten along like family. More so of distant enemies that have to work together. Snotlout pulls back his eyes scan over me as if taking a closer look at he squints, "You look terrible." He decides finally. I shrug from his grip and run a hand through my messy hair trying to calm my bangs before giving up and looking at him.
Without giving me a chance to respond, Snotlout swings a hand around my shoulders and I wince before he leads, half drags me towards the table he was sitting on a few minutes ago.
Happily humming he sits on the bench and I sit down stiffly at the end next to him. The twins are sitting across from me, then Astrid with Snotlout, Fishlegs and myself on the same bench. Silence falls over the table and I glance at Astrid. Her expression portrays nothing on what she's thinking but she is looking at me. Is that a good or bad sign?
Snotlout's behaviour was weird but everyone else seems to be fine. Tuffnut and Ruffnut are trying their best not to stare but their attempts are failing and Fishlegs keeps shuffling through his dragon cards but not really looking at them. It's like I'm some rare artifact that they haven't seen. Ever. Astrid looks away, finally returning to slowly eating the food in front of her.
"Hey H." Tuffnut says and I nod in greeting. Tuffnut leaps to his feet elbowing Ruffnut's shoulder. She yelps and looks up at him, "Let's go grab some food, you want anything?" He looks at me his usually careless expression studying me with a calculating gaze.
Thor, do they have to stare at me!?
I give a stiff shake of my head but glance back at Toothless, "can you grab fish for Toothless?"
"Yes, sir! Fish for T. Alright, c'mon sis."
000o000
A couple of hours pass without much action, everyone talks around me before eventually heading to bed. After about four hours, Stoick and Gobber are only other Vikings beyond me and Astrid in the Great Hall. As soon as the last rider (Fishlegs) leaves the table, Astrid slides over so she's in front of me. Her expression is conflicted before she lets out a breath, "You okay?"
No. Not at all. I want to scream, to break something but I do anything about it. I nod. Yup. Chipper. Never been better. I AM GREAT!
Astrid sighs and her teeth play with her lip for a moment. "About a few nights ago…" She trails off. Not like she needs to finish. We both know what she's talking about. But I...I'm still not going to tell her. I have to keep her safe, even if this is the only way.
"It's fine." I assure. It's not the first time someone has yelled at me. Won't be the last either.
"No, it's not." Astrid shakes her head, "But Hiccup, why won't you talk to me?"
Questions. So. Many. Questions. Why? Why won't I tell anyone?
"Yes, I'm sure they're coming. When they get here, you explain everything patiently to them." Jink's second in command voice echoes in my head and I grit my teeth. So many mind games.
I don't know who to trust anymore.
"I...don't know." I say quietly and look up at her, silently begging with her be patient with me. Her eyebrows lower.
"I...don't understand. Don't you trust me, Hiccup?" Her voice is small and I look up at her in horror. Please not that question, anything but that question. I don't know! I DON'T KNOW! I squeeze my eyes shut and look down at my hands folded across my chest. I don't want to see her expression, I want to curl up in a ball and hide until this passes.
Astrid takes in a sharp breath and my eyes flicker up towards her. She looks like she's been backhanded across the face. She shakes her head softly before she stands and without a word leaves the table. I watch her walk across the Great Hall and shut the door behind her. She didn't yell. She didn't scream, she didn't deny it or beg me to trust her again but her face was enough to make me wish I had lied and said yes.
