Disclaimer: I do not now or before and most likely not in the future, own Final Fantasy, Square Enix or any of the characters.
Date of chapter idea conception (written out rough draft ideas on paper): December 21, 2013
Date of chapter creation (written out on my computer): July 4, 2014
Date I sent chapter to my beta: July 11, 2014
Date I got it back from my beta and began fixing the edits: July 15, 2014
Date finished with edits and guest review replies: July 18, 2014
Reviews, critiques and flames are welcome. I absolutely love all reviews about the story as it gives me motivation, I use good constructive criticism to help my writing improve and I feed the flames to the fires of my imagination.
A/N: Given the circumstances of what is going on with Zack, it is making it difficult to write from his perspective. This is something that I was dreading while this story was in the long-term planning process after the first few chapters were posted. I am still contemplating how I'm going to do it so please be patient.
I wanted to make a note about Zack's behavior. I am patterning his current behavior in the last couple of chapters after his behavior in my other story, "Intra Tentatio Insania," just in case there's any questions. What can I say, I love writing insane or crazy Zack.
Also I would like to apologize for it taking so long with the updates. This summer I was hoping to get some serious writing done before school started again, but that has not happened. I have had a few distractions, the first being me playing Final Fantasy XIII Lightening Returns. I had it preordered from Christmas time and I patiently waited until summer to play it so that it didn't interfere with school. The second reason is that my 17-year-old niece, who is mentally ill, (schizoaffective disorder) has been at my place for me to watch her and keep her from flipping out. I'm not kidding when I say that she literally interrupts me every 10 to 20 minutes for various reasons. GRRR!
Guest reviews: (Thanks for taking time to read and review!)
1.) I agree that Zack putting Harding out of his misery was probably best, but it is something that he has to live with unfortunately.
2.) Although there hasn't been any sex in the last several chapters, it was difficult to work in a sex scene when Zack is being held by Hojo and all the dynamics of that was going on. However, due to request, I was able to work a little magic and put a tiny little lemon in this chapter. Enjoy!
Please enjoy the chapter!
Thanks to my better buttery beta SubZeroChimera!
"If I actually 'spoke my mind,' I'd be in deep shit." -Unknown (It was actually on a coffee mug that I saw)
To You I Give My Heart
Chapter 35
~Finding What Was Once Lost~
Zack stood there looking at Hojo as he lay on the ground, still, unmoving. For so long, he'd thought of what he wanted to do to the man, but in the moment, all he'd been able to do was knock him unconscious. Now Hojo was at the mercy of him, a new brand of merciless thoughts raced through his mind, but a voice shook him from his imagination, "Get out of there. Now."
Furrowing his eyebrows, Zack looked around, but he was alone except for the bodies that littered the ground. Reaching up, he scratched the back of his neck, confusion setting in, then the voice spoke again, "Zack, get the fuck out of there."
Tilting his head, a picture of only one face popped to his mind, "Angeal?"
"Um, yeah… Okay. Is that what it'll take to get your ass moving?"
Zack looked down the hall and one of the automatic doors opened with a soft swoosh, "Are you helping me?"
"Duh! Get out now. This is your only chance."
"Can I take my friend?"
"You can't take him with you, he's dead. You don't have time."
With a slow shake of his head, the brunet's teeth glinted in an uncharacteristically sinister smile, he sneered, "Oh, he's not dead, he's only sleeping, playing a game to make me feel bad for winning again."
"Just go without him!"
Ignoring the voice's commands, Zack backed up into the cell and pulled Harding's limp body over his shoulder as he spoke to his friend, "Come on, you can come too."
"Gaia-dammit, just go already!"
In a straight and matter-of-fact tone, Zack shrugged his shoulders, "If I have time to listen to a voice in my head, I have time to take my friend so I can help him," Stepping back out to the hallway, he left through the door that magically opened to him and eventually got to another, much larger, but darker hallway except for small lights that lined the center of the road. The tall concrete covered road was big enough for military transport trucks to pass through driving down the incline to the underground motor pool area.
A flashing red light was rotating in the glass globe above the door that he'd emerged from, but the urge to see the fluffy white clouds again led him to go up the incline. With the exception of the smell of exhaust from the vehicles that passed earlier, the air pump continuously worked, circulating the air through the underground facilities. It caught some of the scents of the city and the closer he got to the light, the stronger the smells got. Some were horrible, like garbage on a hot day, and some were enticing like food on a charcoal grill. He remembered cooked food, his mother's baked cookies that she made from scratch, and the BBQ ribs that one of Soldier battalions made at the company picnic. His stomach growled loudly and he almost lost his train of thought. He was trying to leave the labs, leaving the place that meant both terrible things and other things that were comforting at an animalistic level.
Reaching the mouth of the tunnel, he scurried to the side, out of the sights of the small guard booth that operated the little arm that rose with admittance. Making his way to the fencing, there was a large, Zack sized slice through the rusted metal. Squeezing through the fence, he looked around, it was day time, but under the shade of the plate above, the chill in the air made him shiver, "Good thing I'm wearing a Harding coat, its cold." Patting his friend's leg, he smiled, "Ain't that right?"
He couldn't remember if being below the plate was better, or where he even needed to go. Confusion made him furrow his eyebrows and he asked, "Where do I go now?" With a sigh, he waited for the voice in his head to answer and when it didn't, he asked, "Angeal? I asked you a question." Still not receiving an answer, he fought the tears of frustration, "Don't abandon me again Angeal, I need you."
His gut twisted and his chest ached with the feelings of sadness, overwhelming and harmful to him. Memories rose, his mentor's face just before his death, the words the man spoke as he passed the sword of his family on to him, entrusting him with his precious heirloom. Pushing it away, he couldn't deal with his loss of Angeal's voice now, even if it was only in his head.
With so many places to choose from, he decided to go farther away from Hojo, he was sure that if he got caught, the punishment wouldn't be good for him or for Harding. Not knowing which sector he was in, he just walked in a direction until he saw a small dog, a puppy.
The symbol that the young animal sparked in him left him feeling confused, at first. A name came to mind and the voice that led him out of the labs, Angeal. "Puppy" was the nickname that he was once called by his mentor, his friend, again he felt those feelings of sadness, but this time, he remembered how the man ruffled his hair playfully. This time it wasn't the man's face in death, it was a face of happiness, a smile of accomplishment and honor set free.
Shuffling forward, fatigue started settling in, he followed the dog as he followed it to a large pipe that both he and Harding could fit. Hunching down, he walked several yards in when he stopped at the sound of panting. With his eyes adjusted to the darkness in the large tube, the small brown dog was sitting with a wagging tail like it was waiting for him to do something. Setting Harding down, Zack spoke to the dog, "Is this your home little guy?"
Feeling better about the man's voice abandoning him, he remembered how the older First always had a kind word and called him puppy. Zack wondered out loud to the dark brown dog, "Did Angeal send you to show me where to go?"
With a loud and enthusiastic bark, the dog jumped to all fours and it wagged its tail vigorously. Zack tapped Harding's shoulder and asked, "Isn't he cute? I think we'll keep him." Jacob's limp head started to slide down the side of the pipe, leading to the rest of his body following down to the floor, "Oops! Didn't mean to make you fall over." Sitting him back up, the brunette gently took the man's hands and covered his still nude lap, "Maybe I should get you something to wear, people might start talking about your fashion choices."
Standing up as straight as he could, Zack looked around his new home. It had a few comforts that he'd not had in a while, so he flopped down on the dirty trash-covered mattress. Running his hands through his thick hair, he said, "It's big enough for both of us if you want to rest."
From his back, Zack looked over at his friend who stared straight down to his side, silently.
Sitting up, Zack asked with exasperation, "You're not still mad at me are you?" Scooting closer he apologized, "I'm sorry, okay!" Harding just sat there, refusing to talk to him or move to lay down on the mattress. Putting a hand on the bare leg, Zack pleaded, "Please talk to me." Shaking him, Zack became desperate, "You're all I have! You have to talk to me, we're friends aren't we? I mean I know I got a little rough this last time, but I got us out of there so that we can look at the clouds… together!"
Bereft of life, Harding sat silently, defiantly ignoring everything that Zack said as he apologized. Dropping his eyes, he realized he let the secret about his clouds out, but he didn't think that Jacob would say anything.
"Fine! Be that way. We can talk about this after we both get some rest," Lifting Harding up and sliding him over to the mattress, he laid him down and lay next to him. Taking one of the limp hands, Zack held it tightly, "Sorry for yelling at you, I know you'll forgive me, you have to, I mean we only have each other, right?"
Zack lay on his side, facing his friend, as the younger man stared with hooded lids up at the top of pipe. Feeling movement at the backs of his knees, the puppy curled up to him with a content whine and Zack said to Harding, "Why don't we call our puppy Angeal? I like that name, it reminds me of someone I used to know." Closing his eyes as he squeezed the other hand, Zack nuzzled his forehead into the shoulder of the other man, "Goodnight buddy."
Falling asleep, Zack dreamt of white fluffy clouds, he always dreamt of clouds and how their smile always made him feel giddy, a warming in his stomach that spread to his heart. Their dark blue eyes that made him want to tear down the sky to get to them, to lay in their arms and rollick in the comfort that they represented…
White and wispy, he valued the softness as he wrapped his arms around it, not wanting to let it go. A soft moan escaped the object in his arms as his lower body thrust upward, quickly finding warmth that almost undid him completely.
Feeling the silky legs envelope his waist, the water around them ebbed and flowed at first gently, with the rocking of their bodies, then with more ferocity, as they reached a crescendo in unison. Long blond hair covered his hands as he gripped at her back and hips, when she arched and cried out in passion. He held on tightly, not wanting to let her go, wanting to go with her where ever she dared to venture; he cried out right after her as he felt his heart beat wildly.
Lying beside each other, the chirping of tranquil birds serenaded them, singing them to sleep, with their entwined limbs, gentle kisses and peaceful eyes of glowing devotion. He tried to see his cloud's face with all the features together, but was unable to. His cloud was as faceless, as much as she'd always been, except for a flash of beautiful eyes or a gentle smile.
Clouds don't have faces though…
Something was licking his face, a canine whine alerted him and he sat up in haste. It was dark out, darker than it was before when he'd first got to the pipe. Touching his friend who lay next to him, Zack noticed how cold he was, "You're freezing." Looking closer, he saw that Harding's glassy eyes were still half open, "Did you sleep at all? How long have you been awake? You should have woke me up if you were cold." Sliding down to the end of the mattress, Zack stood, "I'll see if I can find something to cover you up. I can't let you freeze to death."
Zack's bare feet hit the dirt at the end of the pipe and he curled his toes into it, comforted by the cool dirt as it gritted between his toes and under his toenails. Glancing around, he noticed the dim sunlight shining at the edge of the plate and the new moisture on the spider webs that draped across the rubble that surrounded him. His enhanced hearing picked up sounds in the distance, people moving around and going about their morning business. Sniffing the air, he picked up scents that made his stomach rumble and the hair on his arms stand up, excited about an anticipatory meal.
Looking down at the dog, Zack said, "Angeal, stay here and watch over Harding, make sure he doesn't go anywhere before I get back." Sitting on its rear end, the dog stopped panting and tilted its head, staring at the brunet as he spoke again, "I'll be back."
Silently making his way to the sounds of the human population, Zack shied away from the people, afraid of what they might do to a monster like him. Finally he found what he was looking for, a dirty blanket, draped over some wood. Grabbing a burlap sack off a nearby cart, he made his way back to his new home. It would only be home until he could get him and Harding out of the city.
With a playful tone, Zack smiled, "You still just lying around?" Noticing a purplish color on Jacob's back and the paleness of the rest of his skin, Zack stopped the blanket from falling over him, "What happened? Did I bruise you that bad when we were fighting?!" Bending down, he touched him and asked softly, "Harding?"
As Zack's fingers reached out and touched his friend, he shuddered. Harding's skin had hardened and he wasn't just cold, he was frigid, the muscle underneath unyielding. Laying a soft hand, tentatively above the man's chest, Zack fought more tears, "Please don't die. You'll leave me all alone… I don't want to be alone."
Not feeling any movement, Zack sighed out and bit his lip, "I'm sorry…" Wiping at his nose, the brunet let his tears fall, "I'm so sorry." Inhaling harshly, Zack glanced at his friend's blank eyes, "It's all my fault, every-everything is…"
"Hello. Is this your puppy?"
The soft voice woke him from his fitful sleep, another voice in his head, but it seemed so real. Allowing himself to open his eyes, the first thing he saw was his friend, laying so still under the blanket, his eyes were now a milky color, but he asked his friend, "Are you talking to me now?"
A tiny giggle brought his attention to the mouth of the pipe, "No, I'm talking to you."
A little girl stood there, beautiful in contrast to the terrible rubble that surrounded the area. Her dark pigtails lay across her shoulders, her pink lacy top a perfect illustration to her pure white skin, the puppy, Angeal, frolicked around her feet. Zack asked, "Where am I?"
Her bright eyes shined as she smiled a tiny smile, trying to comfort him, "You don't know where you are?"
Shaking his head, he thought that this hallucination was better than some of the others that he'd had, but he liked this little girl, she was the innocence he wanted back, "No."
"You're in the Sector 5 Slums." She then added with enthusiasm as she bounced in place, "I'll be four years old tomorrow! How old are you?"
Wringing his hands together, he realized he didn't know anymore, he just shook his head. He suddenly had an overwhelming urge to feel her skin under his fingertips and it made him reach out to the little girl, he needed to touch her, make physical contact with her, to see if she was real. It was a want to know if she was a cloud too. Was she what he was looking for? As if reading his mind, she also reached out, barely touching the tips of her little fingers to his.
She smiled, her smile brightened the dark tunnel Zack was in, it was right there within his grasp, his purpose, but her smile fell as she jerked back, "That's my mommy calling me, I gotta go." Stepping back, she smiled again and asked, "Can I come play with you and your puppy after my birthday party tomorrow?"
Bringing his fingers to his lips, he let them linger, wanting to taste them, hoping to be closer to his truth, hoping that the little girl was the key to what his life once was. Shaken from his thoughts, a woman's voice, far-off, called, "Charlotte!"
"I got to go! See you tomorrow." Waving goodbye, she left as quickly as she'd appeared.
Tentatively, Zack smiled as he longingly said to the empty pipe, "Charlotte? That's a pretty name. My grandmother's name was Charlotte."
A/N 2: Thanks to everyone who reads, favorites, subscribes and/or reviews, I appreciate your time and I dedicate all of this to you. To quote another author, "Getting reviews makes me feel all warm and squishy."
Please send me your reviews if you want. It is really easy. Just click your arrow in the little box, write what you thought or felt about the chapter and then click right down there, just below the box. A little lower… a little to the right… yeah, right there! Click it! *grinning*
