Ch. 6 One Foot out and One Foot in
The rest of the walk home was in silence, not uncomfortable but contemplative. Clarke walks arm and arm up to their apartment trying to get a feel for Raven's atmosphere, she knows she has one foot in quicksand as the other inches outward toward her escape. Raven isn't a talker and never opts to talk; it was always Clarke who would encourage it. And she knew it wasn't a simple, 'yes, I'm going to work tomorrow' and she knew back then that it wasn't a simple 'I'm over it'. With Raven, she had to read far between the lines because she wouldn't offer much. But that is why they mesh so well; Raven doesn't have to say much for Clarke to intuitively understand what she is saying or how she is feeling. And Raven is thankful that she can breathe around her knowing that'd it be okay if she didn't say anything at all. She feels like the air isn't thick full of an urgency to confide and thankful that she can give her one look and be left alone. But most of all she is thankful that she does push her in moments where she needs to be shoved. She knows she isn't an easy person to be close to and that's why they work because Clarke isn't either.
Clarke flops her full belly self onto the couch with a huff bending her knees to make room for Raven on the end. Instead of rounding the couch to join her, Raven keeps walking.
"Ray?" Clarke calls out peering over the couch.
Raven's heart is beating faster by the second. She told her best friend she was going into work tomorrow and now that she verbalized it, she is panicking- just a little. She turns around to see blue eyes peering over the couch with inquiry- she wants to talk. But Raven isn't sure about anything, not enough to talk about it anyway. If she isn't sure about a feeling she usually keeps it to herself until she is. Because if she does, throw some half-baked doubt or feeling into the open, it gets nurtured into something else entirely separate than what it started off as. It becomes something that influences her to consider her feelings in allegory to others. And any influence that isn't truly her own delineates her from herself and she hates that.
Seconds lap by as she stands there; she can't help but notice a piece of her thawing. Octavia. A name- a person she thought would be framed by a distant sunset in her memories forever. A part of her heart lay frozen in time, understood by the mass that it was forbidden to beat along with it. That part of her heart burns now, thawing at the sudden intrusion of her past. One foot steps closer to her bedroom as she flashes a weary look over to Clarke, hesitating between shutting her out and expressing her distress. She sighs settling on neither and proceeds to her room, the paradox burger suddenly isn't sitting well in her stomach so goes to lie down.
"Remind me to not eat at your coffee Café ever again, this machine needs grease to function properly!" she throws out there in light of her mood.
Clarke notices the conflict in her eyes as she walks away and despite her deflective comment she gets up to follow her.
She pauses in her doorway.
Sia- Breathe me
Her hands prop up on either side of the doorframe leaning in. Raven is lying on her back looking up to the ceiling only glancing at the blonde once before returning her zoned gaze to the patterns above. Clarke releases her grip on the doorframe deciding that something needs to be done. Something she hasn't done in a long time, something bold. She smirks to herself and starts running in place, winding up like Sonic the Hedge Hog.
Raven notices the sudden erratic movement from the corner of her eye and flinches, "Noh, Clarke! Don't!" She puts her hands out and lifts her back off the bed but it's too late! Clarke thunder rolls toward the brunette, jumps on top of her, holds her protesting hands at bay and cuddle attacks her aggressively. She doesn't tickle her because she learned her lesson years ago and sported a black eye for a week. But she discovered this was just as effective when Raven was in an off mood.
Cuddle attacks— a weapon in her arsenal that had unlimited ammo.
Clarke laughs as Raven resists her embrace catching the contagious giggles and lets out a laugh herself. She wrestles against the inevitable; Clarke never gives up once she goes Sonic.
The blonde clings to the brunette like a koala. "I don't know why you ever try fighting it!" Clarke says breathily.
Raven huffs, "I fight everything."
"You didn't use to" she whispers back still holding tight.
Raven stops fighting and turns her head away from Clarke thinking back to the days when she didn't use to resist so much, when she could share herself with out reservation.
8 years ago
Raven was nineteen when she met Octavia, having met Clarke the year before she didn't have many friends, like none at all. So meeting Octavia was a coincidence, a setting in which fate kick flipped its head and turned into a new hope. She didn't attend high school where most kids her age meet friends and despite her self-emancipation from her parents they still claimed her on taxes so she was never reported missing. However, she left and never looked back. Finding work didn't take long; she found a shop in a low-income neighborhood. She offered the owner free labor for a cot in the back. The cot at Sinclair's was her only refuge for a while; he started paying her after business picked up due to the quality of grease on her elbows and expertise of her mind. She respected him more than anyone and he gave it right back in kind.
One night she fell asleep at a skate park a few blocks from Sinclair's, she skateboarded there on occasion and falling asleep after shredding wasn't out of the ordinary. On this particular night a lone skater woke her up, almost hitting her doing an axle stall near her head. She was lying with one arm dangling over the edge of the half-pipe when the scrape of metal on metal woke her. Raven dropped in on her board without a word to investigate. A silent co-shred ensued. It was poetic if you were the kind to look upon a moment lit by the moon and notice coalescence at its finest. It was requited in a way that none of them expected nor wanted.
"I haven't seen you around here, who are you?"
"That's because I usually skate where I'm not supposed to, the names O. What about you? Do you usually use half pipes as a pillow?"
"I'm Raven. And I've slept on worse."
Months later O.R.C. was formed, Octavia, Raven, and Clarke became close friends. Sometimes they would hang out at the skate park, others they would hang out at Sinclair's as Raven worked on cars, but most days they hung out at Clarke's house after she got back from school. Clarke was seventeen and still had high school everyday until 4pm. Her house was empty most of the time anyway. Her mother, Abby, was promoted to chief of surgery while her father, Jake, spent most of his time away at work. Clarke was never sure what he did but she didn't care at the time because it made her place a great location to house delinquents. Clarke gave Raven the guest room on the first floor, one that no one ever bothered to enter. However, Raven only accepted after a years worth of insistence. But it wasn't long before her father found out. There wasn't much that Jake didn't already know but he let her stay anyway. He was a secretive man but he fit so much love in the moments when he was present. Clarke loved him for it but still found a part of her resenting him for his lack of attendance, her mother included. Despite the luxury of her home and material possessions, she felt just as forlorn as her friends.
It wasn't long before O.R.C. secretly became O.R.
At first, O would sneak in through Raven's window in the middle of the night to escape her oppressive household. They would talk shop, decorate their boards, and watch movies. It was an adolescent experience Raven never had, girls sneaking through windows and having slumber parties.
And then she started coming over during the day when Clarke was at school, pretend to leave then come back when she got home like she hadn't just spent all day with Raven. They would hang out together until Clarke fell asleep and then sneak away by themselves.
That's when that new hope snuck under her heart-plated armor. Those nights manifested into something more she ever thought possible.
Arms over waists.
Whispers in ears.
Lingering hands.
Tangled Legs.
Lips on skin.
Lips on Lips.
Hitched breathes.
Muffled noises in the night.
Secrets and skin as currency.
"I love you" a greeting and a farewell.
Raven wouldn't say that they fell in love because it was more like climbing. The air she gasped for in the moments in between was thin. Because without O to share it with, it just wasn't worth breathing. The incline of it all felt like the ground would never be flat again. Every night spent with her was like scaling a mountain, like she was constantly climbing the spikes of her own heartbeat.
It wasn't as easy as falling. She couldn't believe she found something so pure. Something void of the evils she has come to know. Raven still felt the pain against her spine, a fragment left behind from that night. But O made that pain disappear, most nights she barely felt it at all because she was feeling so much everywhere else.
Her heart burned through every doubt and every wall she ever mortared. Miley was right, She came in like a fucking wrecking ball.
Discovering her was like a journey in which she wasn't prepared for. Adapting quickly as it happened and she became better for it. She learned about herself like one would if left in the wild, except O
was the wild. Raven learned to love by clambering out of the concrete grave she left herself in; all the better parts of her soul drug out one by one. It was a new hope to life. Every thing about herself was better than it was before. Love was a concept in which she believed was created by the metaphorical Them to trick the sick and twisted into working everyday. Like cogs in the machine fed dreams into believing it was all for something. And now she knows that it exists and that it is real. It's so real she can touch it every night, feel it touch her in return, smell it and hear it.
She couldn't quite let herself believe this person, this hope, is something that could last. Nothing lasts in her world and she knew by experience that was fact.
All it took was one night, just like the one when they met, to change it all and prove that fact to not be fiction.
"I'm seeing someone else."
"w-who?"
"His name is Linc"
"Do… you love him?"
"I don't know."
That night Raven's face never dried. She recited her reassurances in her head like a prayer but none of it ever resonated, it never found the root of her doubts. Leaving them to sprout their ugly flowers in the wild.
Now
this felt like falling.
O came to her window less and less after that. And every time she did they would exchange skin. They would lay tangled together with one set of arms holding tighter than the other. And every time she started to leave Raven would ask the same question and get the same answer.
"Do you love him?"
"I don't know."
Raven couldn't turn her away. She knew she was seeing him too. Clarke would stay with her some nights to ease her into a salty slumber with out knowing what really is going on but most of the time she wanted to stare at her window- waiting.
She kept her window unlocked everyday hoping that she would crawl through one night and say, " I love you and only you" pulling the weeds of doubt right out from their roots.
Soon, she was more used to nights without her than with. Her tears and pain the only things keeping her company.
And one night after she came, she asked the same question but got a different answer.
"Do you love him?"
"Not like I love you"
Slowly it was turning into something she knew was forsaken. Raven couldn't stand being some Amsterdam window girl. She started to feel used and dirty. Where love was left lonely and strong, hate grew to keep it company.
"Where do you go huh?"
"You're going to see him aren't you? After you've fucked me, you're going to see him like I'm nothing."
Raven gripped at the sheets covering the dirt that that she felt riddled her body. O stopped getting dressed and looked at her with broken eyes not quite knowing what to say. She couldn't say she didn't love him and she couldn't say she didn't love her.
The mechanic swallowed thick and wrapped her body so far into herself trying desperately to make herself small, so that maybe she wasn't this fractured girl who wasn't enough. That she wasn't enough for her to want to stay.
Disgusted.
This time O breathed heavy watching the girl she loves recoil into herself. The last thing she wanted was for her to feel rotten and used. And she knew that is how she has been leaving her. But she couldn't bring herself to break up with her, she couldn't imagine not having her.
"Do you even love me?"
"Of course I love you Raven…"
"If you're so sure you love me and don't even know if you love him then why are you leaving me right now to be with him?"
"You love him."
Raven's heart is in her throat. She tried swallowing all her pain around it without choking. But her heart caught all that pain and held it, pumping it through every vessel, choking her. It rendered her limbs useless and numb as her body shook with anger and fear. She could feel the vacuous space where her heart used to be, now in her throat spewing questions out to bleed on the floor un-answered. Releasing all the hope she gathered over the last two years.
O doesn't know what to say. She loves the girl too much to be the one to cut the cord. She also knows that she is a coward for letting her choices and circumstance splay it for her.
"I don't know" is all she can say as she continues getting dressed.
"I do love you Raven," she whispered as she tied her shoes with the splayed strings that used to be attached to Raven's heart.
The broken girl bit her cheek and just as O opened the window to sneak out again she asks the retreating girl,
"Does he even know about me?"
O froze kneeling in silence with one foot out the window and one foot in.
"I'm sorry…" Then the foot that lay within disappeared taking all hope with it. And Raven sat there, eyes wide, fists clenched as she heard the scrape of the window being closed shut. As that sound etched itself into Raven's mind, she also felt the scrape of her heart shedding. Hours passed by until only a morsel of muscle remained.
"Me too" she whispered before getting up and for the first time in years, she locked her window.
If O thought that breaking up with Raven was too hard, it was even more excruciatingly painful for Raven to ignore the knocks at her window that came after that night. Despite the screaming that pulled at every single one of her pores to open the window, to ease the pain even if for just a second, she instead grit her teeth and held onto the bedframe keeping her still.
Clarke never knew the extent in which they were involved but she noticed the changes in Raven. It painted a spectrum in which she saw the love of light bring her color and that the absence of it left her monochromatic. She never asked any questions, she just lay beside her and made sure she didn't fall completely apart.
She tried reaching out to O to find out what happened but it was like the girl never existed at all.
Raven rolls over onto her side closing herself off from Clarke's expectations. But Clarke just sidles up next to her with no intention of letting her disappear. While Raven focuses on the passing cars outside her window, Clarke focuses on the tattoos covering the mechanics arm and remembering what they stand for. It's a full sleeve but she hones in on one in particular. It's an anatomically correct heart inside of a birdcage with the door open. Clarke went with her to get it and she never told her what it meant but Clarke knew. She sat next to her holding her hand because silent tears fell from her eyes after awhile.
Her fingers trace the bold cage lines thinking about love, pain and loss when a soft wavering voice interrupted her reverie.
"I always thought she'd come back," Raven confides.
Clarke slows the trace of her fingers for a beat waiting for her to continue. Sometimes it takes an invitation of silence to conjure the hushed whispers from the deep. Raven carries her demons in shackles along with her like shadows. They follow her especially in the light. But Clarke knows her better than she knows herself. In fact they can both say they know each other more than they know themselves. Looking from the outside in grants perspective neither can procure from a mirror. And sometimes a mirror is what one has to be, to hold the other close enough to see the fog showing that they're still breathing.
"I promised myself I wouldn't give my heart away again but I left a part of it open just in case. Not like I'm waiting for her but…" She breathes a wavering breath. "But I can't keep this corpse of her memory anymore…I… can't."
Clarke realizes she is telling her about the tattoo and palms her hand over it soothing encouragement.
"Because she is back… as real as the day I met her. But I know she isn't the same person. She wasn't…even then towards the end—"
She abruptly turns over to face the only person that has her tethered to this world. Clarke is the only person who has given her home, her loyalty, and most of all her love to Raven. So much so that when she needs a reminder that she still matters, she can look into the depths of blue and find her answer. Her soiled eyes find her depth; dirt dissolves in ocean.
She is still breathing.
Raven tucks her hands under her chin; "Sh-she took pieces of me every time she walked away. Almost until there was nothing left… and I let her… I watched her leave and I let her come back over and over again…"
She shudders at the memory, her heart feels like its renting space inside a marrow cage; since the wild left her it never truly felt like hers. It feels transplanted—solely there for survival.
"What if I hadn't of locked my window?" Raven asks not sure if she wanted an answer or if she was asking herself.
After a bit of silence Clarke answers, "Then she would have kept taking pieces."
She squeezes Raven tight, "And you wouldn't be where you are, doing what you love. You're strong Ray, and I admire you for how far you have come. But if you hadn't locked that window… If you let her in when it kept hurt you…I don't think you'd be you."
Clarke rests her forehead against hers, "And I love you."
Raven sighs putting an arm over Clarke's waist.
"Just don't kiss me again…"
They both laugh and Raven nods through drying tears.
-Two days ahead-
Lexa wipes tears off her face.
"Oh my god Anya, stop!" She can't stop laughing at Anya rolling around in the dirt shooting the airsoft gun they have her practicing with, yelling obscene things that are no where in the script.
"I convinced you to come with me! So I have to make it worth it now, don't I?" Anya exhales.
"Sure, just don't hurt yourself!" Lexa calls out toward the course where they set up paper targets and rolling mats.
Lexa settles down on a bench close by while Anya continues her prerogative. It was a nice day. Clouds block the sun every so often while the temperature stays at an even 80 degrees. Just as a breeze hits her face she inhales deeply. The rays shining around the clouds remind her of blonde tendrils cascading a certain face. Taking another deep breath she pulls out her phone. She checks her twitter first because she hasn't since yesterday and wonders what Clarke is doing.
Notifications 5,667
Anya Crewse AnCrew First day of Gun Training with this piece! [Anya& ]
TIME TIME Watch the new trailer for 'The Little Prince'
Science NewsScienceNews Sun's wild, explosive youth supplied life-supporting molecules to early Earth: /nl3k300zfrj
Finn Collins FCdirect The set is looking alive! [ ] NiylahDash
She realizes that she doesn't follow Clarke so she quickly maneuvers to remedy the situation. She searches for her, clicks on her name, and shamelessly snoops her profile.
Clarke Griffin
Griffindork
Artist- LA- Heda Co.
307 following 316 followers
^ retweet Raven Reyes Ravengeful
Griffindork Thankful for this sappy siren [ .VID] #acoustic
Clarke GriffinGriffindork
RoyalViridian MCsquared working the wardrobe- To Wanda! #friedgreentomatoes
Clarke Griffin Griffindork
#Reading is the third best thing to do in bed.
Clarke Griffin Griffindork
If I ever get a duck, I'd name him What.
#whattheduck
-
Lexa laughs out loud to some of her tweets and she can't stop smiling—she clicks follow.
"Yo heart eyes, what did blondie do now!?" Anya yells as she jogs from mid-course being led to start again.
"Shut up!" Lexa yells back with out looking away from her phone, a grin still plastered upon her face. Her thumb excitingly taps onto the link that Raven Reyes posted. And as soon as the video player buffers she sees Clarke sitting on a bed with a guitar in her lap. Her grin immediately pulls from her face due to the slack in her jaw.
Lexa's eyes widen, Clarke is sitting on a bed with a guitar in her lap and is playing.
Holy fuck. Her legs squeeze together.
Clarke is sitting on a bed with a guitar in her lap and is playing while singing. Umph. She unconsciously lifts the phone closer to her face as her eyebrows turn upward, her ears completely open, her core clenches, and her heart flips. Clarke's voice holds a gravely tune, a rasp that reaches Lexa's chest and quite literally clasps it shut from anyone else from ever getting inside. Not only does her voice carry raw emotion, the lyrics being sung are poignant.
"I know what will cheer you up, hang tight." Clarke gets up from Raven's bed and shimmies to her room. She grabs her guitar from the stand near her favorite reading chair, darts back into her best friend's room and jumps on the bed landing on her knees.
"Are you going to serenade me Griffin?" Raven sasses, excitingly propping herself up into a sitting position against her headboard. She inconspicuously grabs her phone.
"I wrote this about facing fear and running toward it, so I think you need to hear it. But mostly it's about love." Clarke clears her throat, strums the guitar a few times to find herself and then begins a soft melody.
Each day I give pieces of me away,
but for you I hold the largest piece on call.
Despite supply of me and the demand they need,
I want you to have it all.
If what's left sums up to be just this
and only this.
Then that's okay,
for the moments with you are one's I dare not miss.
As battles begin there are cold nights,
where each man knows no home.
I prepare my strong front ready to fight,
against hours of lonesome roams.
Lexa replays the video again truly listening to the lyrics this time because the first time she watched it her attention was solely on the way Clarke moved her lips. Her mouth was mesmerizing, like how can the movement of someone's mouth be so goddamn sexy. Suddenly she remembers Filippo and how he told her something very similar, that her mouth is what made him fall in love with her. She swallows hard.
As we rise above our blissful meet and all we wish to be,
we forget the fall that comes right after eager to greet our feet.
While the sounds of war cry out within,
Instincts tell me run.
I grab my heart laced in sin and charge the loaded gun.
As I close my eyes from the day,
a pillow takes your place.
I allow the embrace of my dismay,
while the darkness declares its space.
The lyrics didn't repeat and there wasn't really a chorus but it didn't need it. How she managed the guitar so elegantly behind her harmonic voice carried the words to fruition. The poetry was so full of pain, struggle, and courage. Lexa wonders who wrote the song and if she can find it online. While she listened she didn't realize her jaw transitioned from slack to clench and her legs spread open as her body sunk in between. Right when the last verse rung out; she felt a lump form in her throat.
I'd fight the resistance that deems so futile,
until my last dark draw of denial.
Because with your light that shines in me,
I see a path worthwhile.
She sat there speechless for so long that her phone screen went black.
Lexa sits up, leans her back flat against the bench and takes a deep breath looking up toward the sky.
"What the fuck Clarke" Raven wipes tears from her eyes with the palms of her hands as she resists the urge to sob. Her phone falls between her legs managing to secretly record her song.
Clarke wipes a single tear from her own cheek before shifting the guitar off her lap to the side. She scoots over to Raven and squeezes her shoulder.
"I'm sorry, I thought it would be okay to play for you now. I thought… I really thought it would help you because it helped me to write it. Maybe—"
"No Clarke. It was perfect and I am so blown away. You really fucked me up is all," Raven laughs a little through her hands.
The blonde takes a deep breath of relief thinking she really messed up playing that for her at this moment.
"I've never played that for anyone before, its not really catchy or uplifting and even though the harmony repeats at times, it's more like a story." She explains while her eyes defocus tapping on a memory but not daring to dive deeper in.
Lexa looks into the sky thinking about the way Clarke sung those lyrics and how it sounded so much like it came from within her. She felt every word her lips wrapped around and every tone her fingers struck through. She sighs into herself relating to the message. She remembers her parents up until she was eight, they were supportive in every which way. They challenged her even, gave her riddles, puzzles, and even built mazes for her to stumble through at a very young age. At first they were tactile puzzles and elementary riddles, but as she grew so did they- in complexity. She misses the way they made her think so much so that she often finds patterns between the words of her script forging secret messages that aren't even there. Her mind reads past primary gestures and intentions going beyond what is voluntarily given. The obvious is a past thought, already understood. Lexa's normal standard is paces ahead connecting possibilities and extrapolating theories. It's just how her brain was built and she had her parents to thank for that. Since the day they disappeared she felt like each day was a battle in bloom. Much like the song Clarke sung, she felt like she had to face the loaded gun everyday. Maybe the next day they would show up, maybe they wouldn't. It felt like a Russian roulette to her for the longest time.
Click, they could come back.
Click, they're never coming back.
Click, they never found the plane.
Click, they never will.
Click, they aren't dead.
Click, they're dead.
She fought the resistance and it seemed so futile. She felt so alone in those days being paraded around, told what to do, how to act and who to be. It helped her drone on. The song described a part of her so clearly she felt the song was made for her. Every night she went to sleep she would hold on to her pillow until darkness took her. She thought of them and their last moments. Did they think of her? Did they suffer? What were their last words?
That kind of darkness took her. It wasn't the absence of light it was the presence of dark.
"Hey…" Anya approaches a despondent looking Lexa with concern in her voice. She doesn't answer right way so she takes a seat next to her new friend and waits. Anya takes this time to observe that her hands are wrapped tightly around her phone in her lap. Lexa slowly refocuses her vision like she is coming back to consciousness from a distant place.
"Hmm?" Lexa hums not completely removed from the depth. She clears her throat and sits up straight.
Anya notices that she is becoming uncomfortable being caught in such a state. She would call it vulnerability but she looked so guarded at the same time. So she tries to save face for her and changes the subject.
"So Zoe said I totally nailed the course and we can go shoot real guns now. Want to shoot assholes the shape of bullet holes into metaphorical paper villians?!" Anya bounces on the bench trying to subtly encourage a positive vibe.
Lexa smiles at Anya's demeanor, she wonders what kind of childhood Anya had and how she can be so carefree. Just by watching her bounce up and down delightfully makes her feel better. "Think you can beat the amazing Alycia Taylor, surf instructor by day and treasure hunter extraordinaire by night?" She jests.
Anya beams at her playful shift and replies in kind, "Oh I think Carey Adon bimbo body guard by day and…well body guard by night can kick some Taylor ass. Bring it!"
"I'll Bring it, don't worry. Go Toros!" Lexa cheers getting up from the bench with a bullhorn hand symbol.
Anya laughs and plays a long, "Oh I never do. Go Clovers!"
They both skip forward with stiff legs and clapping hands pretending to cheer on fans as they make their way toward the shooting range across the course. Lexa is really thankful for Anya in this moment. Usually when she gets so far into her head she can't pull herself back out but as their laughter dies down she feels lighter than she should at this point. She can focus on what is in front of her rather than what isn't.
"Raven! You posted that on YouTube and Twitter?!" Clarke screams from the living room storming for the betrayer.
The brunette's head shoots up from the project she was now working on in her room and her eyes go wide. "Oh shit," she mumbles to herself. She quickly grabs for the best defensive weapon she can find, settling on her still hot soldering iron.
Clarke has her phone out playing the video as she storms in face completely red, "What the hell Ray!"
"Now hey! Don't come any closer! This is super hot…so I'd stay back unless you want to look like Voldemort!" She jabs the iron in the air a few times to make her point.
The blonde slouches her shoulders a bit but doesn't dare step any closer, she likes her skin just the way it is.
"Look Clarke, you are gorgeously talented and it's so rare that I see you play anymore that I just…" She puts down her iron in its holder and steps closer to her. "You are amazing and I wasn't planning on posting it after you played it but fuck, with how you made me feel after you sung that song and how much it truly helped me. I figured the world deserves you as you deserve it. Music is healing Clarke and your song and your voice…" Raven feels really guilty now that she is looking at Clarke. Her face is red; her eyes unfocused and she is almost shaking. The brunette realizes that it was a risk and that she shared something really personal to her with the world. But she honestly believes it belongs out there.
"Aw shit Clarke, I'm sorry…" her chin hits her chest, "It meant a lot that you shared that with me and your song really— I mean it truly struck a chord in me. I admit I shouldn't have shared it with out asking but god Clarke, you're song… it'll heal people."
Clarke takes a deep breath watching herself on her phone. She doesn't sound half bad and she looks pretty enough but it's the principle of the thing. "Raven… I haven't played much in front of anyone for a reason and now it's out there for everyone to see. It's become my catharsis, my own thing. I don't want to share it with the world. It's just like my paintings—those are mine. They are meant for me, not for the pleasure of others, for me." She shakes her head, " I can't help but feel a little betrayed and super exposed right now."
She moves to sit on the edge of Raven's bed; her head slumped over her phone watching the video again.
Raven moves to sit right next to her and slings an arm over her shoulders. "I'll take it down right away but first hear me out." She squeezes the blonde's shoulders to get confirmation.
Clarke nods.
"Think, that someone is going through what you had to right now. What if they had no one and nothing to relate to, nothing to help them and possibly no way to express how they're feeling, wouldn't you want there to be something that could help them heal? Maybe quite possibly even move past it if they knew someone else felt the exact same way they do. And not only that but has shown that they overcame it and wrote a beautiful song to represent that courage." Raven loosens her grip, leans back into the bed on her elbows and continues,
"I know you're mad at me and I will take that because I deserve it. I knew it was shitty but I truly believe you won't regret leaving it out there." Raven nudges her with her leg.
The blonde rubs the back of her neck squinting down at her phone, "You really think all that?"
"Of fucking course Clarke, If I was a record label I would sign the fuck out of you right now. If I was Shania Fucking Twain I would tell you 'the best part of being a woman is the prerogative to have a little fun' because you should share your stuff more often, you're more talented than you give yourself credit for."
"Did you just quote Shania Twain to me?!" Clarke hits Raven's leg in complete surprise and a little bit of disgust. But a smile finds its way on her face which doesn't go unnoticed by Raven.
"haha, you bet your ass I did but you're dicks load better than Shania." Raven laughs.
"Eww gross Ray, I—just ew…" Clarke scrunches her face and falls back next to her best friend.
"I'm still mad at you but I get what you're saying. I would want to help someone if they ever felt even a sliver of what I did…what I still do." She sighs, "It will never go away but it gets better." Clarke pauses the video and looks at herself, "I look kind of sad while I'm playing."
Raven leans over to look at the paused video, "kind of… but you look more solemn than sad. It's everything about you that makes the song Clarke. You really impressed me."
Clarke feigns shock by lifting her hand up to her chest, "I…impressed the Raven Reyes?"
Raven nods deliberately in response, "yes Clarke, for once yes and don't take it lightly because I am rarely impressed." She says with a faint undertone of sarcasm but mostly truth.
The musician takes a deep breath and accepts it. She goes into her twitter account and decides to embrace it by re-tweeting Raven's post. "Well since you already created a YouTube account in my name, I'll let it be. But don't think you're off the hook, you've got a lot of making up to do missy." Clarke feels her tummy rumble, "Starting with lunch!"
Raven smiles a huge toothy grin, "As you wish princess buttercup."
Clarke snaps her head at the nickname, "And another thing, I fucking hate being called princess. That stops right now."
The mechanic raises her hands in surrender, "Wehell! Commander Griffin it is!"
She pops up off the bed to make lunch and Clarke throws a pillow at her back successfully knocking her forward into a quicker pace. "Just feed me!"
"Do you understand the rules of the range?" Zoe asks after explaining safety to Anya and Lexa.
They both nod.
"Okay then step up to your guns and aim true ladies!" Zoe steps back and puts her protective gear on.
The actresses follow suit putting their headgear and safety glasses on. They look at each other with pure elation and pick up their guns.
Lexa clicks the safety off feeling the weight of the Sig Saur P226 Nitron 9mm. The U.S. Navy Seals, Federal agents, and numerous law enforcement agencies choose this model. Which is the gun Anya and many others in the show will be using. She grips lightly on the gun but holds it steady. She takes her aim inhaling a deep breath and then exhales slowly. Lexa has handled guns before and is a decent shot. She squeezes the trigger three consecutive times before pausing to re-aim. She repeats this until all fifteen rounds of her magazine are spent, puts the safety on and watches Anya empty her clip near the bottom of her target. Lexa is positive she is pretending to shoot literal assholes into the paper man.
"You're ruthless!" Lexa says loudly.
Anya doesn't quite hear her so she clicks her safety on, steps back and lowers her headgear.
"What?"
Lexa laughs taking her headgear off, "I said you're ruthless! Who ever you were pretending he was he will surely hear his ass whistle every time he steps outside."
"Fuck yeah I did, come after me and I'll tear it up!" Anya jokes stepping over to the loading table. She grabs the extra clip and begins loading 9mm bullets into the mag.
Lexa hits the button Zoe said would bring their targets in. " Lets see who reins supreme!"
The targets dash up the line swooping forward as they catch the end of the track. Lexa steps up to her silhouetted man and sees most of her targets are on point, six in the head, and five in the chest with a few strays. Not bad! She looks over to Anya's target sheet and frowns.
"Anya what the hell…" Lexa walks over and grabs her sheet in shock.
"You shot in the shape of a heart! How did you, where did you learn to shoot?!" She asks her eyes looking at Anya from the ground up like she is some secret ninja.
Anya chuckles and shrugs, "I've been around guns my whole life. You can say it's a hobby of mine."
"Is that why you wanted Carey Adon's role?" Lexa asks still surprised at her accuracy.
"Yes and the fact that I'm gay has something to do with it" Anya finishes loaded the clip and switches out the empty one inside the Sig. She promptly replaces her sheet with a new one, and sends it down the line. "So far, I have no regrets," She puts her headgear on and yells, "Fire in the hole!"
Lexa smiles at the new information. She never assumes the actors that play a role have any similarities to their characters. In this business it's best not to assume anything at all but the fact that Anya is family practically has her beaming at the gills. It's nice being surrounded by a community she has missed out on her whole career. Choosing to act in Royal Viridian is quickly becoming one of the best decisions she has made in her life and not just for her career but also for herself.
