Chapter 9
Dean couldn't believe the words that had come from his mouth. He couldn't kill Sammy he just couldn't. He'd gone to Hell for that boy and would do anything, anything to keep him safe. Dean would rip someone to shreds for giving Sam a hangnail. How could he even consider killing his brother?
Yet... this Sam was not his brother, not really. Sam on demon blood was just as bad if not worse than Sam without a soul. Still, it's Sammy the little boy Dean carried from a fire. The boy he watched every day when their dad went on a hunt. The kid who discovered monsters existed on Christmas as Dean tried his hardest to keep the boy in a fantasy world for just a little while long. Sam, who gave him the god-finding necklace that somehow had appeared back on Dean's neck. Sam who Dean would do anything for. What's the lives of a few measly demons compared to Sam Winchester, the only one Dean had left?
"I can't. I just can't. I'll save him. I can still save him," Dean told Jackie breaking down. No! He couldn't let Sam die and he couldn't kill him. Dean would save him by not killing him. What did it matter if he drank demon blood? Dean needed Sam. He could turn a blind eye. He could pretend he didn't know what was going on and they could move to a new town, start again. Who needed to pass some test. Scr*w Jackie. Scr*w saving the world. Sam had done the right thing when Dean was in Purgatory he decided that maybe the worlds problems didn't have to be his problems. Dean could keep going, keep hunting. Sam could drain his demons and help people, he could exorcise demons without killing the meat suit. Why should it be up to Dean to save everyone when doing that meant losing Sammy? Killing Sammy? It wasn't Dean's job!
"It's hard, I know it's hard. I'm you Dean and I feel it. Sam is your cornerstone and ripping him away will cause you to break into ruins. Yet, Sam on demon blood THAT ISN'T SAM! He cares more about revenge and killing and power than you. Sam, the real Sam, wanted so desperately for you to stop him before he got to this point, before he wasn't Sam anymore. Sam's hurting innocent people. Possessed people, yes, but innocent none-the-less. You have to stop Sam, you have to end his terror. And, at this point, ending him is the only way to do that."
"I can't. I can't lose Sammy. I can't end him," a lone tear trickled from his eye as Dean remembered his world without Sammy. He couldn't do it, he just couldn't.
Jackie couldn't help herself, she got mad. "Dean, if this was you wouldn't you want Sam to end it?"
"Oh course!" Dean yelled back, "But I'm selfish! I know Sam wants this, and I know it's the right thing to do, but I CAN NOT DO IT! I just can't. I can't go on without him. I have no one besides him."
Jackie sat besides Dean hand resting on his shoulder, "You wouldn't be alone. You have Cas now remember. He'll be back in a few days. Cas can never replace Sam, but he's as much your brother as Sam. Castiel... he'd do it you know. If you asked him. I think we both know he's in love with you, even if you only see him as a brother. Cas would end Sam so you wouldn't have to, but someone has to and you know it. It's for the best."
"No," Dean told Jackie pulling away from her comforting embrace, "If it's gonna be done it's gonna be done by me. I could never look at Cas again if I let him do it. Sam made me promise to do it because he needs it to be me. I," Dean took a deep, rattling, breath, "I'll do it."
Relief flooded through Jackie. If Dean did it then he'd finish the test and wake up to his next one where Sam's alive again. Why couldn't Chamuel just end it with Dean deciding to do it? Why did Dean have to remember forever Sam's blood flowing over his hands as Dean held his little Sammy for the last time knowing it was all his fault Sam died. Even if he'd awake to Sam being alive it didn't matter; Dean would never forgive himself for this trial.
"He's not just gonna sit down and take it you know. And Sam's stronger than you, especially with this much demon blood in him. You can't just fight and expect to win... you could shoot him I guess, catch him off guard."
"No," Dean told her firmly. Reaching into his pocket he pulled out Ruby's knife and wondered if this would ever have happened if not for that demon b*tch. If Ruby had never shown Sam what he could do on demon blood... . Dean wished Ruby was still alive because her death was all to swift and clean. She deserved to be torn to shreds day after day after day never free from the suffering, just as Dean would never be free of his suffering without Sam. "If I'm going to kill my brother, stab him in the back, I'm going to do it right. He kills me all the better. Then I don't have to deal without him."
Dean sat on his bed for hours, twirling the knife in his hand and waiting for Sam to return. The entire time only one thought went through his brain-I hope we go down together.
Finally, close to midnight, the jangling of Sam's keys against the door awoke Dean from his gruesome thoughts of fratricidal and back to reality. Dean searched the room for a sign of Jackie but found that for the first time since these trials she was no where in sight. Probably too ashamed of what's going to happen to stick around and watch. What kind of messed of conscience tells you to kill your own brother? And what kind of messed up person actually has to listen?
The door swung open and Dean could see imaginary blood dripping from his mouth. Sam's a monster. Dean told himself repeatedly, The real Sammy begged me to do this.
"You're still up," Sam commented casually, "You seemed exhausted earlier, like you hadn't slept in months. I figured you'd turn in early."
"Just been waiting for you Sammy," Dean replied through gritted teeth. What was he doing?
"Find anything?" Sam asked as he stepped into the bathroom to wash his blood soaked teeth.
"It's definitely a psychic kid gone off the reservation. Doubt there is any chance of saving them if they're to the point where they're drinking a demon worth of blood a day. Shame, I'm sure he was a nice kid."
Sam nodded in agreement, "Yeah but we know what the blood did to me. It makes you no longer you."
"You're right," Dean told him pulling the knife from his pocket and lunging towards the monster that had overridden Sammy.
Sam saw the glint of the silver coming towards him and like a flash he sent it flying psychically. Flinging Dean across the room like a proper demon Sam growled, "How did you know?"
"Come on Sammy," Dean told him crawling over to where the knife lie just as Sam sent him flying against the wall again. "It was pretty obvious. Who else would even know they had demon blood in them and the timing. You might be the Stanford drop out but I ain't stupid."
Having feign weakness before Dean lunged towards Sam knocking the giant man to the floor with a crash. Punches flew as the two Winchesters wrestled to the death. A glint of silver lying next to a smashed mirror caught Dean's eye as Sam looked the other way. Kicking him off of him like a kangaroo Dean lunched for Ruby's knife the hilt burning ice against his hand.
Sam, who hadn't seen Dean's move for the knife, flew at him shard of glass in hand. With the same block-attack move Dean taught Sam on his 9th birthday the knife gorged its way into Sam breaking two hearts equally.
The fight left Sam as Dean bore the knife deeper and deeper into his chest, crying and sobbing his apologizes as he did. Sam fell to the ground black demon blood spewing from his mouth and chest. He tried to say something maybe an apology, maybe a curse, but the gurgling of blood prevented the words from being distinguishable. Dean held his little brother in a tight hug pleading with God to let him die too.
Like ever time before God didn't listen.
