Insert witty disclaimer here. Many thanks to my sister, Amy, who is my psychology Beta.


Chapter 21: Old Wounds and New Scars

The next day, Loki awoke to find that clothes had been delivered in his size, black slacks and a grey button-down shirt. He was informed by none other than Captain America that he would be going to see Dr. Bryardie. A full contingent of six guards in riot gear were assembled to escort him to Stark Tower. He raised an eyebrow at the sight of them.

"Well, I appreciate the flattery, but I assure you this will not be necessary," he laughed.

Steve shrugged. "Makes them feel more comfortable," he argued.

Loki sighed and shook his head. He had brought this on himself, he supposed. The ride was awkward and quiet.

"I think this is the first time you have served as my guard," Loki realized aloud.

The captain nodded. "It's been decided that for outings only me, Bruce, or Tony-in the suit-would be appropriate. Tony is a little too flamboyant and Dr. Banner tends to make a mess of things, so that leaves me if we mean to be quiet."

Only those who could best me in combat, Loki realized. SHIELD was taking this very seriously. He approved. He had thought them incredibly foolish for the freedoms they had allowed his changed self. He leaned back in the seat of the town car.

Once they arrived, the guard was reduced to Steve and two of the riot police. He was taken to Dr. Bryardie's office by a circuitous route, away from any busy areas. This time when they knocked on her door she answered it herself, almost immediately.

She stared at Loki a moment, as if she were surprised that he had actually come. He gave her his best intimidating smile. To his surprise, a small smile came to her face as well.

"Come in," she opened the door wider and stood aside. When Steve made to follow, she placed a hand on his arm, stopping him gently. "This must be private," she said kindly.

Steve frowned. "I have very specific orders, Ma'am. I'm to stick to him like glue."

She smiled sadly. "Would you like someone to sit in on your sessions? Would you be able to speak of the important things with someone else listening in?"

Steve blushed a little, and mumbled an apology before leaving, closing the door.

Rowena sighed and came to sit on the couch.

"Rogers is also a client of yours?" Loki asked.

"All the Avengers are," she pointed out.

He tilted his head away from her a little. "Including Natasha?"

Rowena's mouth made a little mou of disappointment, almost a pout, for the tiniest of moments. "I'm not at liberty to discuss my other clients," she said instead. "We're here to discuss you."

Loki folded his arms and sat back, saying nothing.

"Tea?" Rowena gestured to the tea set.

"No thank you," Loki said, the polite words at odds with his bored voice.

She studied him a moment longer, allowing the silence to drag out until it became tense. It would have been a staring contest if Loki had met her eyes, which he did not.

"This is a matter of respect, isn't it?" she said suddenly.

"What?" Loki frowned.

"It's not just that you don't want to talk about yourself. You don't see why you should. You think me beneath you." Her voice was clinical, matter-of-fact.

"Well... yes," he admitted, smiling a little.

Rowena nodded, and got up, going to one of her bookshelves. She came back with a large board, which she placed on the coffee table. It was about 18 inches square, and had an intricate design painted on its face which described a many-pointed star, with a circle in the middle. The points of the star each contained a symbol within it.

"Do you know what this is?" she asked.

Loki sat forward, studying it. The symbols were not familiar to him, he would have used runes, but the basic formula was obvious. "It appears to be a summoning circle," he said lazily, feigning disinterest.

"Correct. I can summon here a spirit who is in the realm of the deceased. I cannot call those who are damned, or who have achieved their reward in the hereafter. In your terms, I cannot call those of Niflheim or Valhalla, only Hel."

Loki raised an eyebrow. "Anyone within Hel?"

Rowena nodded. "I can also call the demons of Muspelheim and the elves of Svartalfheim, sometimes Alfheim, but they tend to be very unhappy about it, so let's stick to Hel. Choose a person, you need not tell me the name."

Loki smiled. "Alright, I know who I wish you to call."

Her eyes narrowed a moment. She had thought he would take some time to choose. "Call to mind everything you can remember about this person, not just their name, but everything that made them who they were."

He resisted the urge to roll his eyes. He supposed that recalling an essence was difficult for most humans, unaccustomed to magic, but for him it was as simple as recalling her name. Instead, he nodded.

She placed her hand in the middle of the summoning circle. "When you are ready, place your hand on mine."

Loki hesitated a moment. Was this girl really that foolish? She had no idea who he meant to call, and he honestly doubted she would be able to. But even if she did, she must have no idea of the consequences. However, he was very curious to see what she could do, so he did as she asked.

Rowena concentrated a moment, her eyes glazing over. Then she began to lift her hand off the board, pulling Loki's up with it. The lines of the summoning circle began to glow, and the circle at the middle became a void. The light in the room seemed to dim, and a tiny speck of light appeared in the void. It grew, becoming a small figure, which then expanded to the full height, Loki and Rowena pulling back.

"Who dares summon the Queen of Hel?" The irate figure demanded, voice booming.

Rowena's face drained of color, and Loki saw a faint flash of violet around her. She had shielded herself well. "Please forgive me, Queen," she bowed low in her seat. "I knew not who I was summoning, I meant no offense." She kept her head low, and glared at Loki.

Loki smiled. "Now, is that any way to greet your own father?" he chided Hela playfully. He hid the fact that he was genuinely surprised that the girl had succeeded.

Hela turned her icy gaze upon Loki. "What foolish prank is this?" Her voice held more respect.

He shrugged. "My mortal friend here wished to demonstrate her ability with magic. She does not lie, she knew not who I would call. She is accustomed to working with your charges."

Hela gave Rowena a sidelong glance. She remained prostrate, and this seemed to please her.

"Tell me, could you break this circle?" Loki gestured to the board that Hela now stood upon.

She poked at it with her booted toe. The lines flared brighter, and wavered a little. "Yes. But it would take considerable energy which I do not want to waste."

Loki nodded, impressed. "Thank you. You may go, if you like," he waved a hand at her. "Unless there is something holding you?" He looked to Rowena.

"No," Hela said, "And to be truthful I need not have come, it was an open-ended summoning. I merely wished to see who was impudent enough to request my presence. I suppose I should not be surprised to find it was you, father," she said with an air of distaste. Then she vanished, the room suddenly returning to its normal cheery air.

Loki and Rowena regarded each other for a moment, Rowena looking angry and Loki amused.

"That was a dirty trick," Rowena said at last.

Loki shrugged. "What did you expect? I am impressed though," he said more seriously. "I had not thought you would even be able to call her. But I knew if she came she would listen to me. She is a good daughter."

She made a disgusted sound, and stood, returning the board to it's place on the shelf. Loki frowned as he watched her. Summoning Hela should have nearly drained her, yet her movements seemed energetic.

"Do you summon often?" he asked, curious.

"I used to," Rowena said, sitting again. "I would call up the spirits of people's relatives, so they could communicate with each other. It's easy for me, and I enjoyed helping people."

Loki regarded her with a new-found respect. Rowena seemed to think her abilities unremarkable, but her ease with summoning was a true gift. Not even he could do it so easily, if he had his magic. Her demonstration was quite successful.

"Alright, you've made your point. What is it you wish to know about me?" he said grudgingly.

She smiled. "A lot of things. But first, I want to understand this latest change of yours."

He turned his hands up. "It is merely the undoing of the first," he offered.

"Except now you do not have your magic?" She asked.

He nodded.

"Then why do you still wear the ruby?" she gestured to the necklace.

He frowned. "I suppose it is what restricts my magic," he guessed.

She thought a moment. "And what triggered the change?"

"I lied," he said automatically. "She thought She was incapable of lying, but in truth She was not supposed to lie."

"She?" Rowena had noticed the strange emphasis he had put on the word.

Loki made a distasteful face. "The ridiculous girl who had control of me until yesterday."

Rowena tilted her head. "It wasn't you in control?"

He shook his head. "I was trapped, watching everything happen before me, with no control of what She said or did."

Rowena smiled a little ironically.

He sighed, thinking about what he had just said. "I suppose that is a fitting punishment for possessing others," he agreed sullenly.

She seemed to think of something. "Let's talk about what happened before. She couldn't tell me much, she didn't remember most of it. Do you?"

He gave her a wicked grin. "Oh, yes. I remember all the fun things which she does not."

Rowena was not intimidated in the least. "Oh, good. Are the only things She cannot remember those which you enjoyed?"

Loki frowned, surprised. "No," he admitted at length.

"What else?"

He stared out the window. "How much of this story do you know?"

"As much as Thor could tell me, but I would like to know your side."

"Where should I start?" Loki sighed.

"The coronation. Why bring the Jotunn?" She asked.

He ran his hands over his face. "It was a prank. A foolish prank. I was jealous, and wanted to spoil his day. I never imagined that Odin would banish him. I knew the time of the Odinsleep was coming soon, but had not realized it would be so soon. When I was handed Gungnir..." He paused, and she could see on his face the echo of his shock. "It was not my intention to become king," he looked to her, his eyes begging her to believe him.

She smiled kindly. "You didn't want to rule?"

He laughed. "More that the idea had never occurred to me. All our lives, Odin had told us that we both had a chance at the throne, but I had long known it was Thor who would succeed him. He was his favorite." His voice turned bitter as he spoke.

"What about your mother? Didn't she teach you magic?"

Loki's face softened. "I suppose I was probably Frigga's favorite. Or maybe she just felt sorry for me."

Rowena chose not to comment on that. "So, you became king."

"Yes. Once I had realized what I could accomplish with this power, I set a new plan in motion. I would destroy the Jotunn, and when Odin awoke he would see me as the better successor, that I was truly his son." He spoke with much conviction.

There was a long pause as Rowena allowed his words to sink in. "Why destroy the Jotunn?"

Loki scoffed. "They were a thorn in the side of Asgard, always threatening war, and we would have peace with them gone."

Rowena remained serious. "Why else?"

Loki stared at her, confused for a moment. Then he realized what she was really asking: 'why destroy your own people?' He ran a hand through his hair, letting out a shaky breath. "You will tell no one of this?" he asked softly.

"I am sworn to secrecy. The law protects what I know, and I take this vow very seriously," she assured him.

"But you report to SHIELD," he argued.

She nodded. "I give them an overall analysis, advise them as to the mental state of my clients. I do not divulge details. There are a few times when I have to report: abuse, if you're at risk for harming yourself, and if I am bound by subpoena to do so."

He tilted his head to the side. "That seems fair." He sighed. "I thought to erase my history. If Jotunn were no longer a threat, than perhaps I would not be a threat either." He ran a hand over his face.

She nodded. "But it didn't work that way did it?"

Loki shook his head. "I just made myself more of a threat. Still, I thought Odin would understand…"

"He didn't?"

Loki stared off into space for a few moments. There was a bleakness in his eyes, a deep pain. "No," he whispered.

Rowena folded her hands in her lap. "How did that make you feel?" Somehow, she managed to make the question sounded genuine, a world of curiosity behind her words.

He seemed at a loss for words. He remembered the look that Odin had given him, the soft "no, Loki." It had felt as if the last string tethering him to everything he cared for had snapped. He felt something within him break, and he let go. He looked up at Dr. Bryardie. How could he possibly tell her these things?

Rowena seemed to sense his hesitation. "Let's start at a later point and work our way back to that."

He let out breath he hadn't known he'd been holding. "All right, where shall we start?"

She shifted in her seat, crossing her legs. "How about when you arrived through the tesseract? I have a pretty good idea of what happened after that. Before…" she shrugged, turning her palms up.

Loki raised his eyebrows. "It's not a pretty story."

"Good. The nasty things are always more important." She was serious.

He sat back, running his hands over his legs. "Well, just previous to that I was halfway across the galaxy, preparing myself for I knew not what. The Other had warned me that traveling through the tesseract would be… strenuous. It was a bit of an understatement."

She smiled a little. "Tell me about the Other."

He shuddered, remembering, but hid it from her. "The Other is the mouthpiece for the entity who gave me the spear, who showed me the way."

"And who was that?" she asked.

Loki shook his head. "I never saw him. Anything he wished to communicate to me was relayed through the Other."

She raised an eyebrow. "And you were okay with that?"

He scowled. "Of course not. I had little choice in the matter."

Rowena tried to hide her surprise. "Why?"

Inwardly, he cursed himself for having revealed that. "I had already placed myself securely within their debt. When I had arrived in that place, there was little left to put back together. I know you humans believe that the denizens of Asgard are immortal, but that is not exactly true. We cannot fall prey to sickness, and age brings us strength and temperance. But we can be killed. What glory in battle is there, if nothing is risked?"

She nodded, following along.

"My fall through the rift left me battered, my body broken. My spirit was in little better shape. I was found by the Chitauri, and they took me to the Other. I was healed, much to my dismay, as my mind wandered far afield. When I woke, I learned that very little of my mind was private to me now. It seemed that the Other knew everything I knew, what had befallen me in Asgard, what I had seen here in Midgard: the tesseract. This information had caught the attention of the Other's master."

"So it was not your idea to come here, to try your hand at world domination?" she asked.

He laughed. "Hardly. Why would I want to rule a world rife with disease and poverty? What glory is there in leading a mass of pathetic mortals?" his voice became bitter, and he paused at her look. "Sorry," he muttered.

She waved it off. "What changed your mind?"

Loki gave her a weary look. "He kept blathering on about it, reminding me time and again of how Thor held this puny world dear, how it would irk him if I were to take away his new, shiny plaything. He said that Odin would never condone the destruction of a world, but to conquer one was a noble cause. That I could free these fools from their self-destructive ways. The more he whispered in my ear, the more it seemed to make sense. At first I agreed just to still his endless chattering, but with time I began to see things the way he spoke of them."

Rowena frowned. She studied him a moment, and then pulled a tablet from a drawer in the coffee table.

"What?" he leaned forward, trying to see the screen.

"I have a theory," she said as she flipped through several files. She found the one she was looking for and looked between the screen and Loki. "Have your eyes always been green?"

"Yes…" he gave her a bemused look. "Why?"

She looked back at the screen. "What would happen if someone were to try to possess you, as you possessed Barton and Selvig?"

He scoffed. "Impossible. Had I my magic, I could counter such a thing with very little effort."

She lifted her gaze, locking eyes with him. "What if you didn't know it was happening?"

When he frowned she handed him the tablet. He took it, and studied the image on the screen. It was a still from the security feed on the helicarrier cage, the moment when he had looked up at the camera and grinned. She had enlarged the section with his face, and his eyes were clearly visible. They were blue.

Slowly he set the tablet back on the coffee table. His hands clenched and unclenched on his knees. Then suddenly he stood, cursing under his breath. Rowena jumped, and then ducked her head. Loki began to pace behind the couch, running a hand through his hair and cursing fluently, his voice raising. He paused when he caught sight of Dr. Bryardie. She sat on the couch, perfectly still, her head down as she glanced at him through her eyelashes cautiously.

He tilted his head, curious. "That is the second time you have responded to a threat by showing deference."

She sat up slowly, shrugging. "I find that obsequious respect is always a good response to something with the ability to end you."

Loki shook his head. "No. It's not a very professional response, not in this situation. Which tells me it's automatic."

She smiled spreading her hands, "Old habits die hard."

He moved to stand before her, taking her chin in his hand. "Never lie to a liar, Rowena. No, it's something more than that, isn't it?" his smile turned sly, suggestive.

She swallowed, collecting her wits. "I'm flattered, really, but I'm afraid my profession has very specific rules about this sort of thing," she said sarcastically. When he did not relent, she sighed. "This is a boundary, Loki. You have to learn to respect those."

He left, releasing her. "Again, I am impressed."

Rowena smiled shakily. "That which yields is not always weak," she quoted.

He sat on the couch and picked up the tablet again. He looked to her, seeming much more vulnerable than he had a moment ago. "You will tell no one of this?"

She shook her head.

"Not even Her?"

She raised her eyebrows. "If you like. But there is something I must ask you, something I may have to report."

He set down the tablet and laced his fingers around his knee. "Ask away."

"There were a few things you said which concerned me. Your dismay at finding yourself healed, that you were broken in spirit as well as body. When Thor told me of how you fell from Asgard, he said that your hand slipped from the staff. I may not have your talent for lying, but I know enough to tell when someone is lying to themselves." She looked to him.

He looked down, and then back up. "You are asking if I chose to fall?" he stared off towards the window. After a long pause, he whispered "yes."

Dr. Bryardie let out a breath. "I thought so. Had you ever thought of killing yourself before that?"

Loki laughed. "Hel, no."

"And since then?"

He began to shake his head and then paused, frowning.

"I don't want to pry, but I need to know," she urged gently.

"When I failed… When I was brought to trial in Asgard, I believed that my punishment would be death. I… embraced this," he said solemnly.

She smiled sadly. "Accepting death is not quite the same as seeking it out. Do you wish to die now?"

"No."

She thought a moment. "Knowing now what the interface of Morpheus would do to you, all the trouble it would cause you, would you still choose this path instead of death?"

He smiled wryly. "Without hesitation."

She nodded. "I'm satisfied then. I don't think you're at risk of harming yourself." She took the tablet, turned it off, and put it back in its drawer. "So what will you do now?"

He shrugged. "Try to repair the damage She caused. I will not attempt an escape, I swear it."

"I believe you. Director Fury told me that you had mentioned how you thought your former allies would pursue you if you left our protection. That must be doubly true now that you no longer have the benefit of a disguise."

He looked put out. "I admit, that was the one benefit of my punishment. Not to mention that I still had my magic."

Rowena frowned. "Tell me what you think the nature of your… punishment is."

"Was," he corrected. "The interface of Morpheus caused me to undergo a transformation which would cause me much embarrassment. Perhaps Morpheus thought that I would learn something from the experience. Once I lied," he threw up his hands, "my chance at redemption was over."

She regarded him doubtfully. "You lived as another person for almost a month, and you learned nothing from the experience?"

He smiled. "I learned how to cook, much about the arts and music of Midgard, how to play the piano…"

"You know what I mean," she scowled. "So you think that she's gone?"

He spread his arms wide. "I am as I have been, and as I shall always be."

She did not appear to believe him. "If I were you, I would be very careful about lying. There's no telling what might happen."

Loki glanced at the clock above the door and she sighed. Clearly he was done sharing with her. She stood, holding her hand out for him to shake it. He squeezed it much too hard, grinding the small bones together, watching for her response. She did not even wince. He sighed and let go.

"Please feel free to call me if there's anything you need," she said politely.

"Anything?" he drawled.

She gave him an exasperated look. "Any counseling."

He smiled mischievously as he left. Once the door was closed, Rowena leaned her forehead against it. She glanced up at the clock and sighed. Even if she left now, her husband didn't get off work until five. She went to her desk and sat down heavily. She pulled out her cell phone and smiled as she started a text message: Do you have any idea where we put those leather cuffs?


A/N: The quote "That which yields is not always weak" is from Jacqueline Carey's Kushiel legacy. It's the motto of Valerian House, which specializes in submissive courtesans. It's a gorgeous book series, and some of the best BDSM lit I've ever read.

Please don't kill me for participating in the Loki-was-possessed conspiracy theory. At the time that I was developing this story, I had noticed that Loki's eyes were blue in the Avengers movie and green in the comics. I had forgotten that they were also blue in Thor. It didn't help that I saw a movie poster for Thor where they had digitally changed Loki's eyes to green. I don't really know why Marvel chose to change Loki's eye color, but whatever. It's important to the story, and I'm not doing it in such a way that he's totally forgiven for everything he did while possessed. This will be discussed further in Chapter 28, but for the most part it won't have much effect on his personality.